[mollsav]

Well, she really does have a lot of wonderful qualities. She is funny, intelligent, and a hard worker. When we discuss the goals we want to accomplish, she knows how to get it done. But what you described, as far as not being an equal partner in the marriage, is dead on. I've never had anyone explain it to me the way you have, and it makes sense. But because of personal values and morals (spiritual and family), I really do not want to consider leaving her or getting a divorce. I just think that I would always regret it. My character just won't allow me to do it. Not that I'm a super man or anything. I just don't want to go down that road.

I appreciate your advice. I will approach the conversation with her from a non-sex point of view, as far as an unequal partnership. I think the age difference might have something to do with it, and she has been married before, in the past. We have such different personalities, but that's actually something I love. I just wish we could be the same or similar in this department. Sometimes it just feels like a kid/adult relationship, and I hate it.

The funny thing is, often she tells me that she just wishes I could take the lead in the relationship and be confident. I just don't see what tools I have to be able to accomplish that. She is a wonderful woman, and makes friends extremely easily. And together, people view us as this perfect couple. Some have told us that they wish their marriage could be like ours. We travel quite a bit and have interesting lives. And that is fun, definitely.

It's just I wish that I was close to this great woman that everyone seems to fall in love with.

[jns]

You know what to do about this relationship, but won't do it. In fact, you defend her. I wonder if she will get bored with you after a while.

[Mes T]

You think maybe she's treating you like this because she knows she can? Because she knows you won't do anything about it, because of your values?

[mr.mansview]

could it be that when you were dating and you had sex in the park and other "forbidden" places that it was a taboo for her and now that you are married and everything is "legal" that it is just not as exciting for her anymore..?that can often be the case but not usually to this extreme..just a random thot

[rcoreyus]

This sounds like an unfair relationship. She may be funny, intelligent, hard working - but there are lots of people like that (really!). I'm sorry, but I think you are being manipulated and used. What does she do for you?

I understand that your sense of honor won't let you leave the relationship because you have made a promise. Unfortunately I think she knows that and is using it against you. It might be calculated, it might not - but this is really unfair to you. You might always regret leaving - but I think that down the road you will regret NOT leaving.

[justcuriouz]

If sex is painful for her, she should probably try seeing a doctor. As for why she did the anal thing before marriage but not after, maybe she was doing it because you liked it. Before marriage, men and women tend to do things for purely unselfish reasons that they do less after marriage (or so I've read). But it sounds like there are either some real physical and/or emotional issues going on. The first thing to do is to really get her to open up about this problem. Because if it's a problem for one of you, even if she doesn't feel like it's a problem, it is because a good relationship has two people giving more or less 100 percent. Good luck. Hope she gets her issue fixed.

[mollsav]

Dr. Mansview and Justcuriouz, I appreciate your responses because they kind of hit the nail on the head.
We talked quite a bit about this whole thing last night, about me not being an equal partner, etc. and she was surprisingly open about the whole thing. I didn't think she would be.

The basic problem is that she doesn't think about sex at all during the day. She says that she finds her job very stressful and when she gets home she is just really tired. During the day she is so busy she can't think about dinner, let alone sexual thoughts. I do believe her, as she works in a fast-paced environment in a hospital.

Also, she mentioned the "forbidden" sex in the park, etc., that you mentioned, Dr. Mansview. She said that when we were dating, we did a lot of "illegal" stuff that turned her on and made her think about it and go over it in her mind a lot, and that got her really hot and ready for sex almost all the time. Since getting married, we haven't had any really fun sex, and it's just few and far in between.

I asked her why it changed so drastically after getting married, and she really didn't have an answer for that, yet. She says she doesn't know why it changed. But she did say that after getting married, I began kind of just looking for my own satsifaction during sex, and just had her masturbate herself while I entered her, and she didn't feel like she was getting the time she needed. Not that I last only a short while, but she needs more time. I have to admit that she is right in this. More often than not I just go inside of her after lubing stuff up, and I think that she can get off rubbing herself in the meantime. She can, but it's not satisfactory.

There are a bunch of more issues that we need to work through in order to get our sex life anywhere near where I think it should be. We are far apart at this time, but at least she is willing to talk about it and try to work things out. She responded in a way that I did not expect at all, and I was very pleasantly surprised.

I think some of you are really quick to jump to the "Just Leave Her" option, and I'm glad I'm not listening to that. When you love someone, you need to be patient with them, especially if they are trying to work on it and actually care.

Thanks you guys, for all of your great advice. It really helped me to organize my thoughts before talking to her, and I think it worked out well, as a start.

[Hopeless Dork]

You'll find that women tend to relish communication, even if its hearing something they don't want to hear... so I'm glad that you chose that option. Most would rather hear what your feeling, hear what you are thinking... even if its not entirely positive, most would rather have you express your concerns, hopes, worries, fears and expectations verbally than to storm around the house being upset and we don't know why.

There are lots of dominant women, that prefer to take on the sterotypical male role in a marriage... a role that I don't think even men should have (controlling the money, etc) Her problem seems to stem from prior experiences, perhaps watching her parents problems, fear developing over if a man has too much control she could end up hurt. So instead of just asserting that she be an equal partner she has swung completely over to the other side being the one with all the power.

I hope that she does eventually consider the counseling option, most insurances cover it. If you guys can't get marriage counseling together... I think that independent counseling for each of you would benefit you both greatly. She has to learn to let her gaurd down and trust you, and you have to learn to express your needs in a way that will keep you from being resentful later on that you have let her make all the decisions for the both of you.

Sex will follow, will improve... when your overall relationship improves. Right now its a very one-sided situation that she is pulling the strings on everything, including sex. Once she can agree to relinquish that power and share it with you, not give it to you as she likely see's it.. but, rather, SHARE it with you... then I think all facets of the relationship will improve.. including sex.

Obviously you can't hop fences and do it in the neighbors pool or sneak into a theatre etc... every night. Its impossible to have that level of excitement EVERY time you do it. But you can... try to do something wild and crazy once a month... to keep it new and give you guys something to look forward to. (I"m not saying only shoot for sex once a month, I mean to try to shoot for something more outgoing like you guys did when you were dating , once a month)

Roleplay might work wonders for you guys.. pretending to be strangers, or bosses, or teachers, so that she can feel that vibe of naughty without the unrealistic , impractical risk taking adventure sex.

I think you should work on opening up more, telling her... this is how this makes me feel... instead of " i dont like it when you, I hate it when you". Just... It makes me feel like this... when this happens. Will make her not feel like you are accusing her, but simply stating your feelings about actions.

I think its important to let her know that you sometimes feel like she is parenting you. Oh gosh, no woman wants to hear that... Not at all... especially one that is older than her partner. I'm sure if she realized thats how she was coming across its something she'd work harder to nip in the bud.

I think the people that are telling you to leave meant no harm... but simply want to you to access your situation before you wake up 20 years from now, in yoru 50's... have spent 2 decades with someone that won't give you affection, makes you feel isolated and controlled.... which may very well happen if you guys don't start getting things worked out.

She has given you some specifics to think about... the manner in which you have sex with her being something that lead to her edging off sex. So at least you have somethign to work with there. If you spent all day making dinner that she wouldn't let you eat, oh you can sit with her while she eats (and you are very much expected to!) but you can't eat... and it was the same time and time again every time you made dinner... eventually you'd feel like why bother making it, I never get to eat it, I'm sick and tired of only her getting to enjoy it. A lot of women can feel that way about sex when a partner isn't attempting to or giong out of their way to please them.

Not saying your not, but just another thing to work on when you guys do have sex, lots of foreplay, lots of focus on getting her 'there' should help her to look forward to your encounters a lot more.

[mollsav]

Thanks Hopeless, your advice is really good. . .you've really helped me a lot in this, to get my thoughts in order and to look at things from a different point of view.

I have to ask, though, what if she really is tired a lot? I know that her job can be very demanding, so, what can be a solution to that? I keep thinking, "if sex is involved, you're NEVER too tired!", but that's my point of view.

[Hopeless Dork]

People can be too tired for sex, but for a lot of girls... the more sex they have... the more they want... the longer they go without it... the less they care about it. So its important for you to try to get her interested on a frequent basis in order to re-build that more steady desire.

When a person has stressed or is tired... it can majorly effect their drive. But sex can positively impact stress, relieve it... help with it and being tired is something easily fixed. Like I said in my first post... if there is anything you can do to help her around the house that would free up her time, try to squeeze it in when you can. Maybe start running together in the evenings after work (or walking) bring the dogs! Exercise is a natural mood enhancemer, it will relieve stress, help regain energy and allow for some time for you guys to talk about your day and bond.