[jns]

Dr. Mansview and Justcuriouz, I appreciate your responses because they kind of hit the nail on the head.
We talked quite a bit about this whole thing last night, about me not being an equal partner, etc. and she was surprisingly open about the whole thing. I didn't think she would be.

The basic problem is that she doesn't think about sex at all during the day. She says that she finds her job very stressful and when she gets home she is just really tired. During the day she is so busy she can't think about dinner, let alone sexual thoughts. I do believe her, as she works in a fast-paced environment in a hospital.

Also, she mentioned the "forbidden" sex in the park, etc., that you mentioned, Dr. Mansview. She said that when we were dating, we did a lot of "illegal" stuff that turned her on and made her think about it and go over it in her mind a lot, and that got her really hot and ready for sex almost all the time. Since getting married, we haven't had any really fun sex, and it's just few and far in between.

I asked her why it changed so drastically after getting married, and she really didn't have an answer for that, yet. She says she doesn't know why it changed. But she did say that after getting married, I began kind of just looking for my own satsifaction during sex, and just had her masturbate herself while I entered her, and she didn't feel like she was getting the time she needed. Not that I last only a short while, but she needs more time. I have to admit that she is right in this. More often than not I just go inside of her after lubing stuff up, and I think that she can get off rubbing herself in the meantime. She can, but it's not satisfactory.

There are a bunch of more issues that we need to work through in order to get our sex life anywhere near where I think it should be. We are far apart at this time, but at least she is willing to talk about it and try to work things out. She responded in a way that I did not expect at all, and I was very pleasantly surprised.

I think some of you are really quick to jump to the "Just Leave Her" option, and I'm glad I'm not listening to that. When you love someone, you need to be patient with them, especially if they are trying to work on it and actually care.

Thanks you guys, for all of your great advice. It really helped me to organize my thoughts before talking to her, and I think it worked out well, as a start.

So, everything before this was just part of the story, not the complete novel. And it wasn't completely the way described. I'm glad you and her talked. I believe that everyone posting made an honest assessment from what they read and their particular backgrounds. I reviewed all of the posts and believe I am evaluating things correctly for my background.

Possibly being more assertive will help. She did ask you to be that way.

A question, you watch her masturbate herself and like it, do you bring her to orgasm by just your efforts, be it orally, manually or by penetration? If not, why not? And if so, only once or many times in a row? Why not spend time focused just on her pleasure? Are you really selfish like she said? You do it for her feet and by a massage, but not sexually? What is wrong about a massage leading to sex? I think it is one of the best forms of foreplay.

[stressed]

If she is truly too tired to have sex then she can find other, less physically demanding gestures, that would at least show she makes an effort. Handjobs are not physically demanding, she can masturbate next to you, you can take a shower together when she's back from work, she can do a lot of other things other than sex.

However, I still don't like the degree of financial control she has in the relationship and the arguments she bases this on. You work too, just not at a hospital.

[mollsav]

Thanks for the reply, Stressed. I think that although she has made a lot of mistakes, my biggest mistake has been in my communication style. Before really thinking about how to do it (thanks to a lot of you women here), I would begin the conversation with an accusatory tone of voice, I can see that now. She would obviously get defensive, and it would go nowhere.

After talking about the financial issues, we decided that I will give her a portion of my paycheck each pay period for bills, and she would put in a portion of her paycheck for bills, and whatever is left over is for our own use, no questions asked, no tabs kept. She agreed to this and I think it will go a long way towards beginning to resolve our issues.

I just hope that what Hopeless mentioned earlier on this thread, about how women want sex more if they have it often, is true! Because if it is, I think all we need is a good kick-start to the sexual closeness, and I definitely need to keep in mind that she comes first (pun intended).

I'm hopeful! I just need to learn to communicate more clearly, more kindly, and more often. It seems like she is willing to listen and take into consideration my feelings. Thanks again, everyone. I really think I would have been flailing around hopelessly if it wasn't for the good advice I received from most of you. :-)