[Benfrost]

Hi all,

Firstly I want to apologise for posting something on here, I know this is a womens health site, and I'm male! I'm just in dire need of some advice, I have nowone to talk to this about.

My girlfriend and me have been together for just over 4 months. She's 20, I'm 19, and we're both virgins. Neither of us have ever been in a relationship before either.

We both love each other alot (we've both told each other this), and we're very affectionate with each other non-sexually. Mainly everything is perfect in the relationship, apart from one thing - our attitudes towards sex.

When we were first together, my girlfriend didn't even want to touch me sexually, or be touched in that way. Not a great deal has changed 4 months down the line. Once or twice a week she'll half enjoy being fingered, and every now and then will give me a hand job. Once we've done a little foreplay like this though, it'll take her days - sometimes over a week - to want to be touched or anything else sexual again.

It would be fine, if I knew that at some point, these mild encounters would be leading to actual sex. But whenever we talk about it, she just tells me how shes too afraid of getting pregnant, too afraid of 'being in pain', and how she wouldn't be happy with just using a condom if we did have sex.

The main problem is though, she openly tells me she has next to no sex drive. She says that she doesn't have a desire for sex, and that talking about contraception is pointless at the moment because she has no incentive to sort anything out.
And even if she did have a sex drive (which would be the incentive), she'd still want multiple contraceptions.

She just keeps saying that her sex drive might increase at some point (its worth noting, again, that we're both virgins, and shes never had sex). I'm worried because, I can't see how her sex drive will increase. I thought, if anything, sex drive diminishes as you get older?

My worry is that, if she doesnt want to have sex now, and has no desire for it, will she ever have a desire for it in the future?

I love her.. but I have a huge sex drive, and I'm not sure that I'll still be sane, after a year of masturbation, with only the occasional fingering (for her) or handjob (for me).

I find myself constantly getting really frustrated. When we do the mild sexual stuff, like fingering, she'll seem to really enjoy it... but then she'll suddenly just signal for me to stop. Its like... we do the foreplay, but it never leads to anything.

She gets herself worked up thinking about it when we talk about it. She reads all the sex horror stories online.
I'm doing my best to respect her - i love her - but her lack of desire for sex is driving me insane.

Ive asked all the questions that might be the answer. Ive asked:

Do you find me physically attractive? Her answer was yes

Have you ever had a bad experience in the past... someone forcing themselves sexually on you? Her answer was no
...
So if she finds me physically attractive, and she hasnt been abused in the past, whats the problem?

Why might she not want to have sex? She says she may never want it! She says she doesnt know!
It confuses me because.. surely thats the sort of thing you say if youve had bad sexual experiences? that you 'might never want to have sex'.

I SO want to express myself sexually to her, but as of yet - that hasnt happened, apart from fingering once in a blue moon, which doesnt really do it.

I love her with all my heart, but I don't know what to do.
I can't even fantasise about her or imagine her sexually without feeling guilty, because I just keep thinking.. ''she wouldn't do this in reality''.

Can anyone offer me some advice?

Thanks,
Ben

[jns]

Ask her if she wants to get married sometime in the future, but not necessarily to anyone she knows now. Then ask her, if she says yes, will she want to have sex with her new husband.

It sounds like she is scared to have sex due to problems and pregnancy and she keeps reinforcing her fear by reading horror stories. Whether she will like sex in the future is unknown, even to her. If she says she will want sex in the future, are you willing to take a chance on her?

[Benfrost]

Thanks for your reply jns!
We've spoken about marriage, and children too.
She likes the idea of marriage, and says that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.. but she isn't ready for marriage yet. Which i mean, is fine, as I'm not either...
But she also says that she doesn't want to have children. I'm indifferent to this at the moment, as I'm still undecided myself, but the only reason I think she's saying that is because she is so very afraid of the pain of giving birth.
Everything comes back to pain... and fear of pregnancy... topped off with her not having any sex drive. Well.. next to none atleast. It's very confusing. Surely her sex drive should be pretty intense as neither of us have had sex before?
She says shes satisfied with just a cuddle and a kiss.

She definitely does reinforce her fear with reading bad things on the internet.
If she told me that she'll defintely want sex in the future, then I'd be fine waiting. It's just the fact that she says 'i dont know'.. it kind of leaves me with nothing to work on, or look forward to. Thats where my frustration comes in, because i know that I do definitely want to have sex.
She's said that, she's only just realising these things now, as sex has never been a part of her life before... its only now that shes in a relationship shes realising her fears.
It concerns me that she says she doesnt really think about me sexually when we're not together. Yet at the same time she finds me physically attractive. It's kinda hard not to take it as a blow when she says she doesnt think about me much sexually, even when she reinforces her love for me after. It's just... not important to her... sex...

Naturally I'm starting to feel very sexually frustrated.. theres even been times at her house where I've had to go to her bathroom to pleasure myself, because the urges have just become too much to handle... and yet shes not wanting it

[Benfrost]

She says that her fear of sex, and the fear of any possible consequences of having sex, outweigh any desire she has to do it.
What can I do?

[WildChild]

Taking a guess, you are in the US? Sounds like she is a victim of American sex education and religion. The two together are nearly lethal to sexual interest, and later if you throw in some libido killing BC pills, you'll live a sexless life - unless she want to conceive.

This may be a Cat in the Hat mess; it's so big and so deep and so tall, there is no way to clean it up, no way at all. I don't how you alone will be able to overcome this, it's going to have to come from and her and she is going to have to want to change. She will have to re-educate herself.

The mind is the single biggest determinator of sexual desire. Studies of the brain have found that there are woman who's brain response will indicate orgasm has occured, yet the woman will insist she felt no response. Many women are completely disconnected from their sexuality. The same thing has happened with studies of other arousal. Brain activity shows that women respond to visual stimulation just as much as men, yet few women (at least American) actually experience that response. It's as if many women' brains have been miswired by fear and early childhood training, the connection is unplugged.

My take on this would be that the process should start with education. Billions of women have had babies, often many babies, we wouldn't do so and keep doing so if it was unbearably painful and left our bodies misshapen and damaged. Millions of us have have sex thousands of time without getting prenant unless we chose to and most of those have done so using just one form of conception control. Millions of us are fully orgasmic and enjoy sex as fully as we can. However getting her to recognize this could be challenging. She needs quit reading the horror stories and start reading positive erotica. CHeck out the books on sex thread, you may find something there that sounds like a good start.

[jns]

I'm indifferent to this at the moment, as I'm still undecided myself, but the only reason I think she's saying that is because she is so very afraid of the pain of giving birth.

I think women who have had difficult births have been very effective in getting out their message and it has made many women fearful of having children. They want them, but they are scared of the pain. I am not minimizing the pain, but almost all women I know have felt the results were well worth it.

[ItsASecret]

I am not minimizing the pain, but almost all women I know have felt the results were well worth it.

Not only that but if a woman is too scared of the pain that will come, or simply tries but cannot handle it there are medications that address it during birth since the pain phobia is not at all new to doctors. I am terrified of the pain if I choose to have a baby but I will not avoid it all together if I know there are options that can minimize or completely remove it.

[Mes T]

Yes absolutely there are options these days that have been around for a while now, of almost completely removing pain during childbirth. Some women choose NOT to take this medication as they feel a more "natural" birth would be a more meaningful experience, but there's no harm in choosing an easier ride. I know that's what I'd go for!

[rcoreyus]

In addition to the fear it also sounds like a lack of interest. The fear may go away with time, but the lack of interest may not

[BasketCase]

You wouldn't crave chocolate if you had never tasted it before. But would you ever taste it if you thought it would make you sick. No way.. Say someone tells you to lick a toilet bowl will give you fabulous luck for the rest of your life. Even knowing that I think you would still be very hesitant to lick that bowl right.. Because in the back of your mind it would be really hard to get past all the horrible things that could happen to you if you did it..

Does this make any sense at all?? I mean to say it seems to me that she has a negative view on sex.. She looks at the possible negative affects such as pregnancy etc.. She is so afraid by these things that the possible bad seems to out weigh the benifits. I really agree with wild child. You must sit down and talk to her about her fears. And help her get past them. But until then you must be patient. Don't attempt to rush her into something she uisn't ready for, she may resent you for it later.