[BasketCase]

Oh and waiting for sex can be really fun. Make a game out of it. If she decides she wants to have sex in the future tell her to pick a day and have a lot of fun waiting in anticipation for that day. I know your sexually frustrated but waiting really can be a good thing. When both parties are willing and ready and have been really looking forward to it. That makes the acual act that much more fun.

[Eddie0726]

OK Ben, I am a male to

Dear Ben,

I was having the same problem as you but a little worse. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. She was a virgin and I was not because I had sexual relations with one other girl. But me and my girlfriend decided in August, we would have sex. So we did and I always lived with the thought maybe one day her desire or drive will be there and she will orgasm. But recently she told me that she hasn't really enjoyed sex much and the desire to do it is not there. Now we are trying to take a break from sexual activity and I have a decent sex drive so I want her. It is very hard to resist to try and make a move. But yeah, in the begin about once a week or so, she would give me a handjob and I would finger her. I always thought maybe she is like it more when sex came but it seems not the case.
I actually looked up alot of things such as a possible hormone imbalance that can cause women to have low sex drives or even psychologic factors and disorders. We have been talking serious to for her to go to her doctor and talk to him about possible tests and such. But all I am saying if you truly love her then it sounds like the same path as me. I am kind of glad and sad to find someone who is going through the same situation. If you find anything else can you please email me at (edit). Thanks and good luck, man.

[Some Other Guy]

I'll be blunt. There seem to be a lot of women that have very little interest in sex. Unless you are a man with little interest in sex, I'd advise strongly against marrying one. You'll be frustrated for as long as the marriage lasts. I'd even go so far as to recommend that a man with a normal sex drive shouldn't stay in a serious relationship with a woman that he determines has a low sex drive. I'm not talking about women that keep a hold on their drive for religious or other reasons. I'm talking about women that really have no interest in sex. I suppose the advise is bi-directional, but it seems much less common to find a guy that isn't interested.

[caterpillar79]

I'll be blunt. There seem to be a lot of women that have very little interest in sex. Unless you are a man with little interest in sex, I'd advise strongly against marrying one. You'll be frustrated for as long as the marriage lasts. I'd even go so far as to recommend that a man with a normal sex drive shouldn't stay in a serious relationship with a woman that he determines has a low sex drive. I'm not talking about women that keep a hold on their drive for religious or other reasons. I'm talking about women that really have no interest in sex. I suppose the advise is bi-directional, but it seems much less common to find a guy that isn't interested.

I disagree. If you read more posts/threads on this forum, you will find out a different story - more women with higher sex drive compared to their partners, and men (members here) who decide to stay in a low sex or sexless marriage because they love their SO/wife. I don't think a generalization is application.

[WildChild]

Mismatched sex drives are a nightmare. We said it here over and over, the one with the lower drive controls the relationship.

Even if you start out seeming to be well matched it doesn't mean you will stay that way. Meds, including BC, can really mess up sex interest and response, so can emotional and environmental factors.

I am a woman with a high interest in sex. I've run into very few men who can handle it. It seems to bring out all their insecurities - and no, I'm not attacking them, demanding or cutting them down for it. If anything I realize I've probably been a little too patient with it. I don't have time to go into all the factors in our society that contribute to the problems with women's sex drives, responsiveness and inability to orgasm , lets just say there is a lot of pressure to be sexualized but not to actually be sexual.

This is both an individual and societal problem and isn't limited to one gender.

[rcoreyus]

I don't know if this happens more often to men or to women, but it certainly happens to both - lots of unhappiness to go around. I recommend not staying in a long term relationship with someone who is not sexually compatible - it is a very important part of a romantic relationship, and it is a probably the very often doesn't improve.

Personally I think it is best to get out of such an relationship early, as time goes on it becomes more difficult to leave someone you love "just" because of a bad sex life.

I disagree. If you read more posts/threads on this forum, you will find out a different story - more women with higher sex drive compared to their partners, and men (members here) who decide to stay in a low sex or sexless marriage because they love their SO/wife. I don't think a generalization is application.

[shweedart]

4 months isn't long at all so don't even bring up sex with her yet if she's not comfortable with hand jobs!

There are so many concerns for a first timer that guys probably have noo idea about! Do I look ok, smell ok, should I shave, if I do should it be all off? wax, or au naturel.

Before I met my bf I was super frigid. My previous bf didn't even get a look in at anything, only kissing!

The early days of a relationship, especially if this is both your first relationship. Should not be all about sex even more so seeing as she isn't comfortable.

It might be worth introducing her to this website. It filled me with buckets of confidence so I could finally take the plunge with my bf. If you do show her Womens Health...don't say 'because you dont want sex' or anything along those lines. Something like, you've been looking into the different types of birth control and you found this website. When she's ready im certain she'll have a look, even just out of curiosity.

I'm sure your gf would like to be able to do all the things you want but if she's not into it, dont push her.

[Hopeless Dork]

lets just say there is a lot of pressure to be sexualized but not to actually be sexual.

Epic Point, WC.

[jordanh]

not ALL birth controls diminish sex drive - so what you could do, is make the suggestion she get on birth control to help regulate periods, make them more controllable, that she should go to a gynecologist anyway for an exam since it's an important part of female health and make sure she knows the OTHER benefits of birth control - not just the pregnancy thing.

i feel the same way she does - i REFUSE to have sex unless i'm on birth control and we use a condom. i'm horrified of getting pregnant and i don't want to have children. not to mention, i've had bad experiences with sex in the past and it still hurts every time i have sex. so i have an extremely low sex drive and it took until i was 20 to lose my virginity, and even longer to not be seriously against having sex. it just takes time. especially coupled with religion, it could be very difficult for her to want to have sex.

other suggestions would be to make sure she's turned on. you can't just make out and expect a girl to want to have sex. there are all sorts of little touches to non-sexual organs that can drive a girl crazy.

for example, if someone breathes on the back of my neck, i can get turned on pretty quick. but if we're kissing and he automatically touches my breasts, i almost want to just leave.

so, thats that. just be gentle, make suggestions, communicate, and make sure she feels good.

[creative differences]

Hi Ben,

I know this was posted a while ago, but when you were talking about your girlfriend it sounded EXACTLY how I was with my first boyfriend, so perhaps I can give you some insight into what she's thinking because I've pretty much met no one else who has the same outlook on sex as me (perhaps besides your girlfriend). I apologize in advance for the long post, but I hope it's helpful. From my experience, there's no easy answer as to why your girlfriend and I feel the way we do.

While our sex drive is not typically classified as "normal", I personally do not think there's anything abnormal about not having a sex drive. Whereas some people said earlier that there's a lot of stuff in the media trying to scare people out of having sex, there's SO MUCH MORE stuff in the media telling everyone how great sex is. So I doubt the media is a main player in your girlfriend's aversion to sex. As for religion, I'd like to say that neither me nor my boyfriend were religious. He is atheist, and if I had to label it, I would call myself agnostic. I'm guessing your girlfriend isn't religious either, seeing as that never came up in your post as to why she had no desire for sex. So there goes that reason for our sex aversion as well.

Now on to more complicated answers. Let's start off with the more disheartening side:
"She says that her fear of sex, and the fear of any possible consequences of having sex, outweigh any desire she has to do it."
I feel the exact same way about sex. I started dating my boyfriend when I was 19, and he was 18, and we dated 20 months (we broke up last June). Like you, neither of us had dated anyone before and both of us were virgins. And the latter still remains true. Even though we never had sex, that ultimately didn't cause our break up, though my boyfriend had an incredibly high sex drive, and we regularly had discussions about sex and if I would ever be ready. I can tell you had very similar conversations. And basically, your girlfriend's quote up above basically sums it up. The main question you seem to be asking is "how can she find me attractive and not want to do sexual things?" Well, my boyfriend never understood that either. For me, and maybe the same is true for your girlfriend, physical attraction isn't the main appeal for being with someone. Conversations and feeling emotionally close to someone is much much MUCH more important. So while I can think you're really attractive, that doesn't mean I want to do sexual things with you, I'd rather just talk to you, or spoon or kiss you.

Have you ever asked her what "love" means to her? I know it sounds like an obvious question, but my boyfriend and I had the realization one day that love meant very different things to us. For him, the sexual aspect was an important part to love, whereas I thought sexual activity was almost insignificant in terms of loving someone. My boyfriend, let's call him Jim for easiness sake, then asked me, "What is the difference between being a friend with someone and loving someone?" An insightful question really, and after I thought about it, I realized love to me was just a more intense friendship, with greater trust, and an occasional sexual act. That was not a satisfying answer for Jim, but we always tried to work through our differences.

When you define love this way, my theory is that it instantly becomes easier to have a lower sex drive since sex isn't important. So where does the fear come from you might ask? To me, I think the fear is almost completely valid. There's a much bigger risk for women when having sex than men. Luckily STDs aren't as issue for us or you all since we were virgins, but pregnancy is a very real dilemma, and birth control isn't the easiest or cheapest resource to acquire. It might sound silly, but even if she can find a program for free birth control the loops you have to jump through and the time you have to devote to it in the beginning is significant, especially if you're not that interested in sex to begin with. Without birth control, the idea of sex is completely ridiculous to me because you feel out of control of your future. The loss of control, especially over my body, is very scary to me. I never ended up getting birth control, though I did start the process. Perhaps if you were willing to be very supportive and go to appointments with her and help pay (if necessary) that would make it easier for her. Have you ever made that offer? It's no guarantee that she'll want to have sex if she's on birth control, but it is a necessary first step.

But here's the better news:
In your post, you said that you all have only done occasionally fingering/hand jobs, and that she has mixed reactions to the experience. Man can I relate to this. It's not going to be easy to change her sex drive, but there are other sexual things you two could do that doesn't involve vaginal sex. Namely, I'm talking about oral sex. Perhaps you think I'm crazy to think she'll be up for that if she hardly likes fingering, but oral is MUCH more sexually pleasing for women than fingering (a lot of the time) AND there's no chance of pregnancy which makes it MUCH more appealing to those of us who are afraid of pregnancy. Have you ever inquired about her views on oral sex? While she may not be comfortable giving oral sex, you should still try to convince her to let her receive it at least once. Tell her she can tell you when to stop whenever. It is also important to remember that while you may view fingering or oral sex as foreplay, those of us with lower sex drives need foreplay before foreplay, which can include kissing, hugging/cuddling/spooning, touching, and progressively taking off each other's clothes. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! Don't be in a hurry, and don't expect her to able to do everything you can. Be understanding, and focus on how she's feeling.


This isn't a solution, but it's a start. If she's not open to these options, and is very insistent on not doing anything sexual, there is the possibility that she's asexual. Some people just don't like performing sexual actions, and feel awful when they do perform them. And that's just another kind of sexuality like straight, bi, or gay in my opinion. Just something to keep in the back of your mind. I do not think this is necessarily the case though. I don't think I'm asexual, but I definitely still have a very low sex drive, but did enjoy oral sex from time to time. Another option is that she may want to see a psychiatrist, and see if there is something psychological or subconscious behind her aversion to sex. For me personally, I think it boils down to the idea of control and privacy. Though I utterly loved Jim with ever pore of my body, and loved him more than I thought I could love anyone (and still do to some extent), I couldn't bear the idea of someone entering in my body and having such intimate ties to me. I don't necessarily think it's healthy, but in some ways I think sex gives a man power over me, and I can't stand the idea of that. I've only realized this issue recently, and if your girlfriend has similar views, than it will be really hard to overcome without professional help.

I wish you the best of luck, and please feel free to ask me any questions!