[pretzel]

ffj,

Just to let you know about the support here on this board. You've not only told my life story (first wife) but also the continuing saga now with my second wife. I can honestly tell you that I came here also out of frustration, trying to understand and support that I wasn't being the selfish jerk she was portraying me to be.

I've been here close to a year now and trust me, it's been worth every minute.

[Texasred]

..My daughters are 14 and 17. The oldest is a junior in high school and the youngest is in 8th grade. I have thought of toughing it out until the girls our both our of school but I just can't deal with this for another 5 years.

Your story sounds so much like mine! I even have a child in 8th-grade. And I sometimes wonder if you're doing the child(ren) any favors, bringing them up in a home where they're bound to see there's no affection at all between mother and father.

I have talked about it a few times with her in the past. Like I said there were times in our 30s when we only had sex a couple times a year. I had a good talk with her about it and we started having sex about once sometimes twice a month. That was an improvement but not much of one because every bit of body language and facial expression made it perfectly clear that she did not want to be there and this was dutiful mercy sex on her part. It was to the point that it was down right insulting.
...Yes she usually orgasms 2-3 separate times through foreplay and oral sex but I usually don't. I usually get so fed up with her that I just quit before I'm done and go to sleep frustrated and mad.

My story again, word for word: the "pity .......a couple times a year... I know EXACTLY how that feels - and it ain't great.

I have ask this question on several medical, dating and woman's health forums like this one and not a single woman has agreed with her that a total lack of sex drive at her age is normal. All have told me that there is either some kind of emotional, medical or psychological reason for it but it is not normal.

There can be no question about that: it's not normal: not at 30, not in your 40s, never, as far as I can tell!

Well here is pretty much where I'm at and what I have decided to do. Friday night I am going to set down with her to talk after the girls are in bed. I am just going to tell her flat out how it is. ... I am going to demand she get help!

Good for you!
("Good on you, mate?" - CW?)

- TR

[tesoro]

ffj and TR, my story is also similar to yours. My kids are 15 and 18 and I contemplated waiting for them to get a bit older before "destroying" the family. It wasn't until my daughter pointed out that she had been living in a negative environment for over a year, that I realized I wasn't doing them any favours.

In my case, my husband always wanted sex, every day. But he wanted it HIS way. I wanted to cuddle, to be affectionate, to snuggle but I never got that. Every touch from him was sexual and I would get turned off because of his approach and because of him dismissing my feelings. Don't get me wrong, I actually have a high sex-drive. It's amazing how that can be squashed by your partner if they never take the time to think about your feelings.

Now that he has moved out, the kids are a bit sad, but they are doing fine. The important thing ffj, is to keep lines of communication open with your kids and let them know you are there for them no matter what. They probably already feel the tension and unhappiness around them so you will be relieving some of that negativity from their lives also. I think if you find happiness, they will also be happy.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

ffj,

I hope you read this before you speak to her

Friday night I am going to set down with her to talk after the girls are in bed. I am just going to tell her flat out how it is. ... I am going to demand she get help!

Demanding is not going to make this happen...

Sit across from her and ask for her hands, hold them...

Tell her that you've built a life together, you have two beautiful children, but there are four people in that house, four that need love.

Tell her that, you miss the intimacy (not sex anymore), but that twinkle in her eye.

Tell her that you heard the words " I love you with my heart", but you can see the heart is actually really closed...

Tell her that you've grown, and in that you can see more clearly than she realises and words are just words...

Tell her that you miss the laughter, her smile, but you still love the smell of her perfume, the way she walks, and all the things she does for you, you notice..

But, it's all the hugs, kisses, laughter, holding hands, a date, togetherness, that you miss the most.

Ask her what she loves about you?

Ask her, if you were no longer in her life, she could never see you again how she would feel?

Bring out some photos of when you were younger, and ask her, remember that day?

Stand up and walk over to her and hold her, see if she responds, lift her chin up and kiss her on the forehead and say, "what are we going to do about this?"....

Let her talk.

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Good for you!
("Good on you, mate?" - CW?)

- TR

Well it's "Good on ya mate" But, I don't say it, lol's... Think in my previous life I was European actually, I've never really been a Kanga

[kat252]

some women dont want sex
ok- there is no medical condition apart from low libido-
sex is one of those things- you really have to need it and want it to enjoy it- if you dont have natural strong urges - it can be a wierd act
thats not good- i think its horrid having sex when yo dont ejoy it what so ever
having said that- twice a year through your whole thirties and yuve stuck with her for all this time???
many men would have gone in the first year of no sex
this is not your idea of a god relationship is it- nor is it what you want
i think you are vey much entitled to go out and find a partner who enjoys sex- if this is important to you
my advice is this- go out and get a sex life- enjoy it and start to live for the first time in years

[Mattias]

I'm in the same boat I think. I am far from a perfect husband, however, if my wife came to me and said flat out, I need or want this from you and I just ignored it, I would think she would have serious misgivings about my dedication to our relationship. That being said, i have come flat out and made my needs/desires known and I have been shut down even worse than before. I have listened to her in our counseling sessions and made a conscious decision and effort to address all of her concerns (I am not saying I have been 100% succesful), but I have also kept a log of "activities" and it is incredible disheartening to know that not once has she addressed my single concern. I have just stopped asking for sex altogether and I don't really have a plan b to being under 40 and my wife not being interested in my sexually. I don't intend to cheat, but I have entertained the possibility that I might just have to suffer through till the kids are of age and then start my life over again.