[Allie602]

Your wife is abusing you. Abuse is any action or lack of action that intensioally hurts another. Men can be abused too.

I think there are a number of things you can do first stop walking on egg shells and giving so much, take care of you, force yourself to pick up a new habit - go to the gym and work out lift weights. Buy some new clothes even if funds are limited, a new shirt on sale will do wonders.
I'm not advising you to neglect you don't sound like that kind of man anyway. But for now stop putting so much of your energy into giving what is not seen or appreciated. It's is not good for your self esteem or emotional health.

You have nothing to lose in pulling back and much to gain. If you change up, you get her attention it may be negative. If she asks, tell her that you have decided to put more time into taking care of your self.

It is essential that you confront on abusive behavior.. When she does it, tell right away what she did and not to ever do it again. It will get worse before get better so stay the course. You have nothing to lose what you are doing now is just getting door mat status. You sound like too good of a man to take that.

BTW, I am not blaming you, what you, your intensions seem noble but slowly over the yrs the relationship got to this point. If you can get some books do some reading on abusive relationships and how to handle an abuser. Many books are geared to both men and women. Iwish you the very best.

[Jester]

JD,
Please think about what you want in your relationship. Make some decisions. Then tell your wife. I may be off the mark, but when I read your story it sounds like you are somewhat submissive. I am all for sharing everything with my wife, so we make joint decisions. To me it sounds like you let her make all of the decisions. When a relationship gets to this point the submissive person many times isn’t respected. When a woman doesn't respect her lover she won't find him desirable.

All is not lost. Do some reading, some soul searching. Decide what you want and take it. She may start to respect you. Worst case you will respect yourself more. We can all be better, stronger people. Getting divorced won't help if you allow the same things to happen in the next relationship.

I apologize in advance if I am out in left field.

[JonDoe]

I used to leave notes before I left for work, call her during the day, take her to dinner and a movie, buy her jewelry and gifts, but I stopped all of that years ago, when she refused to listen to my needs and continued to be self-centered. In fact, it was several years after kicking me out of the bedroom that I started to give up.

There is a double standard in our house, she can wreck the car and it's no biggie, or she will try to find a way to blame it on me, but if I leave a glass in the sink the negativity starts and she gets in rare form quick, so I found it is best if I say as little as possible or nothing at all.

Communication is our biggest problem, and for some reason, she thinks I am always wrong. For example, recently we had friends over for pizza, and we generally order from the same place, and I go and pick it up. However, this particular night I suggested that we have it delivered. Well, she vehemently argued in front of our friends that they don't deliver and have never delivered. Now I have seen the delivery guy enter and leave the store on many occasions, but facts don't matter and this was not an argument worth "winning". So I sat quietly until her mini tirade was over and simply said "Please ask the guy if they deliver and if not I will be happy to pick it up." Thirty minutes later the pizza arrived and all my wife could say in a sarcastic tone was "You got lucky, they must have just starting delivering this week."

Another example was when she decided to enroll our son in Sylvan Learning Center before he went into 1st grade and signed a $4000 contract without discussing it with me. That made the blood pressure rise to dangerously high levels.

[JonDoe]

I have never cheated on my wife, I don't gamble, I don't go to bars and only occasionally have one or two beers, I don't do drugs or take prescription meds. I have always been employed making a good salary, thus we don't have money problems nor do we fight over money.

We tried counseling, and she eventually manipulated that too. It started out as an awesome experience, with the (married female) counselor validating my needs, desires, and concerns for our relationship, and explaining to my wife that the lack of intimacy in our relationship was a sure sign of divorce in the future, which I had tried unsuccessfully to communicate to my wife. Things began to change when my wife started calling and emailing the counselor prior to our sessions, and then things went downhill fast. After this, the first 55 minutes of the hour long weekly sessions were spent with my wife and the counselor talking and I was asked to limit my responses to yes/no answers.

After several weeks of this, I had enough and took charge of the conversation explaining how this made me feel, and how these sessions had started feeling like my marriage where my input was being ignored and not welcomed. I'm not one to cry, but that night I was feeling that the situation was rather hopeless, excused myself from the room, and walked several miles home. The next week I learned that the counselor convinced my wife that I would become violent when I arrived at home, and that my wife must start taking her cell phone and purse to bed, lock the door, and make a pact with a neighbor to also take her cell phone to bed in case she needed help. I later learned this had my wife so worked up that she was getting texts from her girlfriends in the middle of the night asking her if she was OK. Now, I have never physically abused my wife or any other women, I have never raised a hand to any woman, nor have I ever threatened to do such things. However, on several occasions I have stuck up for women who were complete strangers to protect them from physical abuse.

Needless to say that was the last of our sessions with that counselor, but we should probably find another one. Some how the years just keep slipping by, that was nearly 4 years ago.

[CharlesV]

Time to end that very relationship and find someone who loves you and can make you happy. Life is short and you deserve to be happy.

Don't think someone is going to give you a medal for putting up with that .

[rcoreyus]

JonDoe - Leave - there is nothing in this relationship for you. I know its difficult, but you need to get out while you still can - this isn't going to get any better.

Believe me, I understand the reasons you don't want to leave (I have them myself) - but I know they are wrong.

[WildChild]

Despite many religions attempts to convince people otherwise, there are no benefits or rewards for putting up with being mistreated and miserable. Been there, made all the justifications, and can tell you moving on is better than staying put. You've tried long enough, gave it your best shot but it takes both of you working to create a loving, caring relationship and you are the only one in this.

[Rediscovered]

I agree with WildChild and those who say leaving would be the best thing~~you cannot even imagine how your life will change when you become your own person again and find someone who loves all of you.

We are all wanting to love and be loved and that is really what is most important in life, in my opinion.

You will have profound guilt, but I promise it will get better and easier once you start to breathe and live again.

[Trying Hard]

Constructive? Ok. Here it goes (and with all due respect)

Still pending to hear HER side of the story...
Dump the b#%&"...(broad)

[Allie602]

True that believers are admonished to stay in marriage and work on problems. Leaving before an attempt is made is against the teaching I beleive. However,, I also beleive God allows his folllowers to walk away, isn't there a parable that says something like "don't cast your peal among the swine".

Abuse is a sin against man and God, I think you will agree. By staying, you allow your wife to sin over and over. It seems to me that if biblical teaching makes you hesitate then you can take comfort in the fact that walking away helps jer to stop sinning and stops you from wasting the gift of kindness and tolerance that God gave you. I am not a fundamentalist so I am not sure about this. What I am sure of is that you are taking a beating emotionally and it is not good.