[WildChild]

I don't see that he has indicated in any way that biblical teaching is factor in his situation. However many people so harbor unacknowledged inhibitions which can be tied to such thinking. In this case it sounds like his wife just treats him with complete disregard and is manipulative of him and others.

Jon, I encourage you to quietly make copies of all your financial and other records and to make note of any inappropriate behavior that you can and to keep this some place outside your home. You should consider another relationship counselor for yourself. Mine was very valuable when I was leaving my last relationship. He was able to provide me with contacts and possible resources. I think it likely that your wife will at some point attempt to accuse you of abuse. If you tell her you are leaving she could very possibly find a pretext to have you arrested. It just seems like this would fit her efforts to have other perceive you as threatening.

of course we have only only side of this but if you are reasonably accurate, I think you need to protect yourself. You should also interview some good attornies. Many will do a free initial consultation for the purpose of both you and them determining if you could work well together. Have a list of questions you need answered - you can get a lot of basic information about the process and what you should do to prepare and protect yourself this way.

[purplehaze]

I agree with most everything (1) most importantly your wife seems to no regard for you. (2) no one is going to give you a medal for hanging in there. My story is very familiar just reversed. I was married for 15 years. There were many signs slowly over the years and it progressively got worse. I started walking after work just to get out of the house and blow off steam. About 3 - 5 miles a day. OMG what a world of difference - I felt so much better about myself and as a bonus lost some weight. I even invited him to walk with me and he had the nerve to complain that I walked to fast......his loss

[JonDoe]

Thanks for all of the advice, I genuinely appreciate it. I have a lot of thinking to do. Looking back it is rather hard to believe 20 years have passed, and it only gets worse. At this point besides the children, which is the primary reason we are still together, we are roommates, and I cover all of the bills, beyond that there isn't much. If I leave she gets half of everything, primary custody of the children, and half my wages for the next 6 years. What an ugly truth!

[WildChild]

In most states it is no longer a certainty that the woman will get primary custody. Is she employed or employable? If so she may not get any maintenance. You should talk to an attorney, don't go on 'common' knowledge.
Even if all this were true, is that worse than continuing in this situation for the rest of your life?

[Allie602]

Another thing to consider is that, unless the children are infants, most judges require the dependent spouse to work or get training to work. They also set a limit on the time that spousal support is provided.

[lonestar]

This makes me sad to read. You seem like a very good and attentive husband and that is not very easy to come by. This woman has no idea how good she has it. Has she always been like this? Or has something happened to her?
I'm curious to know what her childhood was like. Was she ever abused or mistreated? From the way her father pulled you aside, it sounds like her mother is much the same way. Were they a loving family? The fact that she will not even let you put your arms around her without a tirade is very sad to me. I feel like intimacy is an essential part to a healthy and loving relationship. Sometimes I want nothing more than to come home to my boyfriend and think about being with him all day.
How is she with your children? She's not abusive to them (and abuse can be physical or emotional) is she? Like others have said, keep note of her behavior; it could help in a judges ruling about custody.
I admire the fact that you are trying, again men like you are few and far between (no offense men). This woman needs a wake up call. She needs some time alone. Maybe not a divorce, but a separation? There's nothing against that. She needs to get herself under control. Marriage is supposed to be sacred and she has ruined that. She seems highly neurotic. Maybe she needs to see someone, but from what I understand of her she would probably deny this and never go anywhere.
You need to sound your barbaric YAWP and Seize the Day!!!! Please please please, get yourself out of this. You deserve someone who loves you the way you want to love someone back. It's not like she can complain you haven't tried. It seems that you have tried everything and she is still being defiant- I mean the whole pizza delivery thing... she embarassed you and her by being a prideful know-it-all who doesn't like to admit she's wrong... ever. I'm sorry to rant, but this woman irritates me and I don't even know her...she has no idea what she has.

[Madmushki]

WildChild is right, definitely make financial copies (and anything else, if you can) because she sounds like she might do something if you suggest leaving. Still, though, this has to end. I know you said that you wanted to stay for the children, but exposing them isn't much better.
I haven't been on your side of the fence, but I was one of those kids exposed to an unhealthy relationship. My parents were just like you two, and there were a lot of arguments, subtle put-downs, and tyrannical behavior on my mother's part. My father just took it, for the most part. She actually ended up doing the leaving just to hurt him one last time. She moved us from New York to Georgia. He ended up coming down too, but they don't live together anymore. I don't know if you guys argue in front of them, but you don't necessarily have to---they know. They know that something's wrong, so you shouldn't feel like you'd be exposing them to pain or chaos. I could be wrong, though. How old are they?
In any case, I hope that you guys can come to some sort of accord or that you can break free. I remember what my dad went through and it hurts to know that someone else is going through that.

[JonDoe]

1.5 years later...

Tonight we went to dinner with some friends. When we got home she immediately got on Facebook. I patiently waited until she was done, then walked over, put my arms around her, looked into her eyes, told her I had a nice time and gently kissed her. She pushed me away and told me to stop. She didn't yell, but it definitely wasn't a playful tone either.

When I asked her if something was wrong, she said: "No, I just want to go to bed.", but her tone was that of agitation. To which I replied, "I can understand if you are tired, but I just tried to share a tender moment with my wife, and she pushed me away and told me to stop, which hurts my feelings."

Then she said, "That's not a tender moment. A tender moment is having a child."

I honestly wanted to say "Really? WTF?", but instead I said, "Let's not have a debate about what is or is not considered a tender moment. My feelings are hurt, and I'd like to talk about it."

Well. We talked. Yet again. I can tell she was starting to see my side, but she resisted admitting it and tried to find a way to win the "argument". The only problem was only one of us was raising HER voice.

At this very moment, I feel like I am standing outside in the pouring rain with no idea of where I am, how I got here or where to go next.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I would like you to re-read the answers to you as they are the answers.

Why does she feel intimacy to make a child is what she remembers the most?

Something a long time ago was lost, but irrespective she is using you it is time to man up to that and forget what you loose...

Find someone who loves you.

[JonDoe]

I have stayed this long because we have two boys, and they need a father in their life. My job allows me to work from home, so I am the first person they see when they wake up, the last person they see before they leave for school, the first person they see when they get home fom school, and the last person they see before going to bed. When they have a doctor or dentist appointment, I take them. I am a good, responsible father, and role model, but I'm not suggesting that I am eligible for Father of the Year.

When my wife said "A tender moment is having a child", I know her well enough to know for certain that she was not referring to the physical intimacy between a man and woman to conceive a child. She is referring to the first moments of holding your newborn child.

Whenever we talk about our relationship, I speak about needing intimacy and communication in our relationship, which includes sex, but also includes many other forms of intimacy. She generally tries to avoid this level of serious conversation, but agrees, and also agrees to work on our relationship. However, as you know from reading this post, nothing changes -- same as it ever was.

If this marriage isn't working by the time both boys have gone off to college in 4 years, then I will leave, but until then I remain committed to being an important part of my boys daily life.