[renegate]

Hello all, I am 25 and my girlfriend of almost 5 years is 23. The problem that I do have a high sexual drive, I watch porn and get off frequently just like a normal age. Problem is, sex between my and my gf has been pretty scarce. I mean in the beginning she used to ask for it often but i never seemed to want it as much as she did. I mean i went on for weeks without it.
I like sex being a bit out of the usual, a little adventurous, but she on the other hand likes it simple. She says she doesnt enjoy sex with me because she says that wit me it is not spontaneous and it lacks romance. We get along really great in almost every aspect of a relationship except this and we love each so much. We ve had problems for the same reason more times than i could remember. I would say things will get better, we ll try having sex after that she would it lacked romance and connection and didnt quite get to her. Then she would reject me for a long time and the cycle continues.

Please not that we are still both virgins. I mean we did try, but she found it too painful when i tried to penetrated and i did try a lot but it din seem to work. We have just been having foreplay all these years. I came across this forum while trying to read about sexual frustration and i found the posts by women really useful because it would help me understand things from a woman's perspective.

My gf has admitted that she is going crazy because of the lack of sex in our life and she doesnt want to have sex with me anymore because she is doesnt believe that i am interested in sex. How do i change the way she looks at me? How do i make her believe that i want sex and how do i make sex spontaneous.

Women forum members esp pls let me understand her feelings from a woman's perspective because she would never open to me with wat is exactly on my mind.

[lonestar]

wait, I'm a little confused-

You've had sex, but you're still virgins?

[WildChild]

OK, lets see if I have this straight;
You've been together for five years
You are in your 20s - both of legal age
You watch porn and masterbate to it?
At one time she was more interested in sex play than you were
Now you are more interested in sex play than she is
You've tried pentrative sex and were unable to complete that
You are both vigins still
She thinks your relationship lack romance, connection, spontenaety and is no longer wanting to be intimate with you.
You want to learn to be more spontaneous and show her that you do want sex with her?

[renegate]

Yes. You got it right?
She says that she doesnt feel the connection when i approach her and she thinks i pretend to be interested in sex for her sake. This is complicating things further. How do i get her to trust me?

[Little_Miss_Me]

Please realize, what I say might seem harsh, but I'm only trying to let you know what I believe you've done wrong in order to help. =)

I mean in the beginning she used to ask for it often but i never seemed to want it as much as she did. I mean i went on for weeks without it.

First thing: You don't realize how this could hurt a girl's self image. There's nothing more rewarding than being *wanted*, and by not wanting her like she wanted you, you've unconsciously hurt her. She doesn't ask for it anymore because she's insecure. Insecurity means she'll be more afraid of rejection, which could further damage her self image.

So, the first way to help this, is want her. Tell her how much you want her. And show her, tell her, praise her -- anything to build her confidence back up. If you've had the power to tear it down, you'll have the power to build it. And without confidence, your sex life will never be where it needs to be. This should take about a 4-6 weeks to get her to really stop being skeptical and start believing you.

I like sex being a bit out of the usual, a little adventurous, but she on the other hand likes it simple. She says she doesnt enjoy sex with me because she says that wit me it is not spontaneous and it lacks romance.

This contradicts. If you like it out of the usual, you like it spontaneously. =P But, let me tell you something, if she's this open with you, you need to listen well.

She likes it simple and romantic. So do it. Later, once she gets more comfortable with herself, she'll open up to being more adventurous. But for right now, you need to focus on a couple things:
1.) Making her feel loved and beautiful. Don't be afraid of being a bit extravagant since she enjoys romance.
2.) Making her feel comfortable. If she's comfortable, she'll start opening up to more things you like.

we ll try having sex after that she would it lacked romance and connection and didnt quite get to her. Then she would reject me for a long time and the cycle continues.

That's scary. You can work on "romance", it'll be hard to work on "connection". I don't know exactly what all you guys are doing, but it looks like you need to step it up a notch and do it better. =/

Please not that we are still both virgins. I mean we did try, but she found it too painful when i tried to penetrated and i did try a lot but it din seem to work.

-.- Your first time is always painful. It took me about 5 times to actually not feel pain or bleed. Make sure you're using lube. Make sure you're being gentle. Heck, if you don't think you can control it, have her get on top.

If this still doesn't work, or you tried this, go to the toy shop and get smaller objects. Have her slowly stretch to your size, then give it a go.

Sex is utterly important, and if she's not being satisfied with just oral, then you really should move to sex.

My gf has admitted that she is going crazy because of the lack of sex in our life and she doesnt want to have sex with me anymore because she is doesnt believe that i am interested in sex. How do i change the way she looks at me? How do i make her believe that i want sex and how do i make sex spontaneous.

Want her.

Don't just want her at night.

Want her when she's cooking dinner. Or when she's doing laundry. Or when you're playing your video game and she thinks you're not paying her any attention. Want her when you first wake up in the morning. And let her know it's -her- that turns you on. And there's no one else on the planet that makes you feel the way you do.

Show up one day with flowers. Why? There's no reason why. There doesn't have to be a day. There doesn't need to be a reason. And when she asks. Tell her how beautiful she is and how the only thing on your mind all day was how much you need her.

It really just seems like you've shredded the poor dear's confidence. Build it back up and act like if you don't have her, both heart and body, you're going to die.

[renegate]

That did not sound harsh at all. It sounded very honest and i must thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me know something which i didnt really understand all this time (a very long time actually). Plus hearing this from a woman makes me realize exactly how my gf feels. I love her very much and i thank you once again for your advice. I really appreciate it.

[Texasred]

The problem that I do have a high sexual drive, I watch porn and get off frequently just like a normal age. Problem is, sex between my and my gf has been pretty scarce. I mean in the beginning she used to ask for it often but i never seemed to want it as much as she did. I mean i went on for weeks without it.

Think about what you wrote here:
you watch porn and get off frequently, and then you're not interested in having sex with your girlfriend.

Is it possible, do you think, that there might be a cause/effect relationship here?

[Hopeless Dork]

Totally agree with all the other posters. If your gf wanted to be intimate with you, but you didn't have a desire for her because you were quenching it with porn and masturbation it likely did hurt her self-esteem, and not only that... it could make her resent you sexually, in other words... make her 'turn off'. There are plenty of women on this forum that will talk about how they use to be very sexual and then the lack of a sexual partner left them cold.

For most of us, the longer we go with out sex with someone.. the less we view them sexually or want sex with them. The more sex we have with someone the more we view them sexually and want sex with them.

If you are making her feel undesired because you've been putting it to bed with porn, eventually she'd find something else to make her feel good too. Unfortunately for guys, women aren't as easily satiated... in other words, we need to feel wanted and special and needed a lot of time to feel sexual and a woman can't get that from porn or a dildo... so ignoring her for porn can make her be a lot more aware of the guys that pay her attention and think shes hot and special than she would if you were the one making her feel that way.

Romance can be spontanious, if you have a predictable pattern of how you approach being sexual , shake that up. If she likes it simple, keep it simple. I think all that porn has you de-sensitized to the awesomeness that is a basic sexual experience with the one you love. You don't need dancing elephants and flying trapezes or whatever else porn showcases for entertainment. Porn is porn, real life is real life.

If your chick likes romantic comedies thats like her expecting you to propose at a stadium or to fly her to paris for the weekend or to shut down a museum for the afternoon just to be with her alone... ehhh thats not real life for most people, neither is chickens and whips and threesomes and facials and wth else porn makes seem adventerous.

Real life sex doesn't have to be boring, but it doesn't have to be a scene from a video every single time either.

[renegate]

Thanks for all the valuable insight folks. I realize that i have been a real jerk in the past and i have abstained myself from porn for a while now. I am planning to stay away from it. I am engaging myself in other activities like working out at the gym etc so that i could keep myself occupied and focus my sexual energy towards real sex wit the person i love rather than jerking off to porn.

The problem is i am finding it really really hard to convince her that i desire her now and i would love to have sexual relationship with her. You are right folks, she is resenting me sexually now. She loves me and she talks all nice and cushy all day but when i ask her for sex she says that sex with me is yucky :-(

I try a lot but she doesnt seem to get convinced. I am still trying but i feel weird in a kindo way. I understand that this should have been natural but i need you advice a bit more explained from a womans perspective.

How do i convince her to make her believe me and feel less apprehensive about sex with me. I agree with "Little_Miss_Me's" advice word for word but it will be great if you be a bit more explicative. As women you tend to be emotional and convey feelings better but as a guy i seem to get only half of it.. :-( Any more help on this would be great.. Some ideas, tips etc.. Does she really want to have sex with me but making me realize my mistake or do you think she really resents me????

[Allie602]

What kind of sexual activity have you done. What specifically does she find objectionable? You mentioned being adventurous what do you mean by that. Can you review back over the last 5 yrs and think of what you did sexually? How frequently did she orgasm relative to your frequency. Was the sex mainly concentrating on you getting off? Not blaming you just saying that sometimes women will get into a sit where the guy gets bj frequently and does not take care of his partner. It's not on purpose, it just happens.

Anyway, need more info.