[Dolittle]

Hello, I'm sorry for just arriving and asking for everyone's help out of the blue, but I'm really in need of some help and advice.

I'm 16, from the UK, and a couple of days ago, I had kind of a bad experience. I'm not particularly sexually experienced (I had one boyfriend for a couple of months who I didn't go very far with and a couple of kisses here and there) and the other night I went a lot further with some one I didn't know than I really would intend to out of a relationship.
I was at a party, and I got really drunk, which I know was extremely irresponsible (to be honest the whole thing is kind of my fault) of me, and ended up being with some boy that I go to school with, but don't know very well. He's a couple of years older than me, and as far as I remember, he wasn't as intoxicated as I was.
We had oral sex (first time I'd performed and received it) and we tried to go 'the whole way' as it were, but ended up not going that far because boy was unable to regain his erection (he was wearing a condom).

The problem is, the whole experience has really, really rattled me. I've never really experienced much guilt after sexual activity before (probably a little after masturbation when I was younger) and though I'm not particularly experienced, and received little sexual education at school or from my parents (none really beyond, 'this is what happens during puberty', 'use a condom' and 'here's a list of nasty STDs'), I always made sure I was as well informed as I could get and had my facts straight. Compared to my friends and other girls my age, I've always been far more informed and had a much more liberal attitude toward sex. But this experienced has just left me feeling violated and upset. I've been welling up all day at the thought, and I just feel sick to my stomach at what happened.
I really don't remember a lot of it and it is really panicking me. It's all kind of a blur, and I remember the basics, but I can't remember how I got from point A to B.
Something that's really upsetting me, is that when I woke up my bra was off and my top was on inside out, and I don't remember taking either of them off the night before.

Like I said, I've always had a pretty liberal attitude toward sex, but what happened is just... I've never felt so anxious or sick with myself. I really regret it and I feel like the whole situation is totally my fault.
I'm a little worried there's something wrong with me, just because I feel like my reaction has gone far past the reaction of someone who just isn't ready (I actually gagged as I wrote this post) just because I've never felt this way about sex before.

I really don't know what to do with myself, and I don't know who I can talk to. My friends are far less experienced and far less open than I am (if they had a problem or a question about sex, it was me they came to) and I just don't have that kind of relationship with my mother and I don't have any sisters.
I just feel like I want to crawl into a hole and never come back out again.

note: if it matters (probably does) as far as I'm aware, there's no history of sexual abuse in my family. I've never been officially diagnosed with depression, but honestly, I'm not the most emotionally stable person. I do get bouts of feeling depressed and I have a history of self harm and other moronic self abusive behaviour. I've never spoken to a doctor about it.

Thanks for any help and advice you're willing to give this silly little girl :P

[WildChild]

First Darling girl, quit beating yourself up. We all make mistakes and most aren't much more of big deal than we make them.

I can understand that you are upset that you don't remember all that happened. But don't get worked up over the fact that you had sex, or tried to. Granted giving up your virginity should be a more conscious choice than this might have been. Are you certain that (A) he had a condom on the entire time and (B) nothing more happened that you might not remember - in terms of penetration or him ejaculating in, on or around your vagina?
IF there is any chance that B occured without a condom you should get to the chemists right away and get the morning after pill. I would think that if he did finally manage to penetrate you and didn't remember you would still know as you might have signs of some bleeding and would most likely be at least a little sore.

Don't get all worked up over this. Sexual desire is a natural and normal thing. Hopefully you will have many years of fun with it. Please limit the drinking (or other substances) for the future. Sex should be engaged in with a clear mind and knowing what you are doing. That is the only way to be really safe for STIs or contraception as well as to fully enjoy it.

Guilt has no place in your sexual life.

[jr]

Read, then re-read what WildChild has written for you. The advice given is to the point and very helpful.

[shweedart]

Hey do-little I was 16 when I joined. Well informed about sex (as you are) I was very naive, had only ever kissed someone before I met my bf at 16 (still together ) I have sisters but I never felt I could go to them and I'm not close with my mother at all.

Joining this forum is one of the best things you could ever do! It's a family away from home.

I agree completely with jonnie_rocks...Wildchild is spot on...however, I'm going to hazard a guess that you'll continue getting smashed at parties and things like that because lets face it the 'theres nothing else to do' attitude still flows strongly in me at 19!...started at 14, how classy of me! Just make the concious effort of stopping drinking at your limit, if you don't know your limit (luckily I did) ask a friend to keep an eye on you!

Also, go to your local family planning clinic and talk to someone there they're really helpful

[rcoreyus]

Everyone does something they regret at some time - the smart ones learn and make the same mistake again (though they may make others). I'm sorry you had a bad experience.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think the fact that you don't know how your shirt got back on you is SHOULD alarm you, should make you re-think all the decisions that lead to that point so that you never have to wonder how you got dressed in the future. You should take that and not feel bad, but to thank God and your lucky stars that nothing worse or more out of your control didn't happen. Getting drunk around guys as a teenage girl is common, but ... oh so dangerous. Even if your drink isn't spiked with some date rape drug, alcohol alone can lead to black outs , lowered inhibitions and just general bad decisions...

So please, re-consider drinking at parties with guys, use the buddy system (never leave a gf behind and let them never leave you... no matter if you think its right at the time, agree beforehand that you will not be left alone with any guy, for any reason... if you really want to see that guy 'alone' make plans for another day, when you are sober), do not drink any open containers or drinks mixed for you that you did not see being made, including ones bought at a bar and brought to you.

Most importantly, forgive yourself. You made a choice you regret, honey, you will make more of them in this life... both sex-related and otherwise. Its life, its living, its learning and growing. But in order to be around to live and learn and grown you have to protect yourself as much as possible. Things can happen to sober girls that are out of their control, being intoxicated just makes it all that much easier for someone to take advantage... so please be safe.

I think everything happens for a reason and maybe this was your wake up call. Maybe it is this incident that will make you re-think a bad choice in the future that will save you from waking up in a much worse state of not knowing what exactly happened to your body. So don't beat yourself up, instead, make plans for how you will handle yourself the next time. Keep your chin up, you are more than just your virginity, you are more than just who you fooled around with and where... you are a valuable human being that has more going for her than that, so don't let decisions you regret define you as a person. You are no less than you were before it happened, you are the same young woman.