[Wruinin]

Please don't take this as harsh but you are not a special snowflake when it comes to being a person that has desires outside of their committed relationship, whether they are for men or women... a lot of people have fantasies about being with someone else when they are committed. Being in a relationship is a beautiful thing, to always have someone by your side, to never have to be alone if you don't want to... to have someone in this big mess of a cold world that actually cares about you and thinks you are the center of it. But its also a sacrafice, its saying (unless you have an open relationship) that you will be faithful in the face of temptation. That the love you have and feel is worth more than an orgasm with a stranger.

It sounds like you almost feel entited to act on your fantasies because they are of men, and since you are with a woman... its only fair that you get to feel a man before you "die" and not lose your woman in the process. I have to tell you... its not much different than if a man had an overweight wife and thought it be fair he get to have sex with a thin woman before he 'dies', or a redhead, or a girl with double d's... or whatever thing he has fantasized about but never got to experience.

Its best to experience all the things like that if you want to PRIOR to commiting, or to back off a relationshp once you realize there are things you want to do with others. Yeah, thats the scary part for most people -- which is why they'd rather lie and cheat and get to come home to their cosy nest. It feels rediculous to them that having sex 1 time with someone else is worth losing what they love most... but the selfishness comes in know that and acting on it anyway and keeping it secret... the whole cake and eat it too scenerio.

If you feel incomplete as a person because you haven't acted on your fantasies, no one would say you are not entitled to attempt to live them, but I don't think are entitled to random one-off's behind your significant others back just because you are too afraid to lose her. It just isn't fair. There may be fantasies SHE is stifling because she respects and loves you so much. Why should she sit locked in a box , faithful to you... if you are out indulging your whims? Chances are she may only want you.. and hearing you want to experience others could cause her to want to leave. But I think being forthright PRIOR to cheating and giving your spouse a heads up that you may want to seperate, or take a break to 'find yourself' is the only fair thing to do.

Some people spend their lives trying to taste every flavor of ice cream the whole world has to offer, never turning down an opportunity... and that makes them happier than having ONE person that loves them, having a bunch of random people to sleep with and not having to make excuses for it is worth the lonliness that accompanies it. Then you have people that want to taste every flavor of ice cream , but also want to have that one favorite flavor in the icebox forever.. and feel thats the way it should be. It would be fine if we were really talking about ice cream. But we're not. We're talking about a human being, with feelings and hopes and dreams and a heart and a mind. And in an ideal situation it should be up to her if she wants to 'sit on ice' while you sample or to go and be someone elses desert.

You said it. It's exactly how I feel about it today. I think I needed to discuss it with someone and make a decision. In the past I was like a piece of wood freely floating in the ocean, going wherever the waves went. For a while calm and disciplined, then going crazy and fantasizing, then back and I didn't know which was more myself. I think it is necessary to set oneself some limits and keep the limits. Not just leave things upon random moods and emotions.

So thank you very much.

[Wruinin]

Maybe you should try it once and see how you feel afterwards. A lot of people fantasize about things a lot more off beat than what you're talking about and then when they actually try it out, discover it was best left to fantasy. Perhaps you can find a guy who will go for a mutual massage session. I'm not sure this is all that uncommon a fantasy in men so it may be fairly easy to find someone of a like mind.

I tried something in the past. And it's just a couple of minutes of excitement and pleasure that you get from your gf anyway. It's just different kind of feeling. It's really better to give up those few special moments that one would experience twice or three times a year when being taken over by his own passions. It would make sense if one had a regular partner and then it doesn't fit an honest relationship with a woman so just it was enough. Who knows, one day, sooner or later, I will be alone and will meet a man for a while, just for some fun. BUt now, with my gf, it's a no-no.

[Wruinin]

Let her go. Be single, act on your fantasies and SEE how it makes you feel. One of two things will happen: you'll love it and want more male encounters, you'll not love it and then you'll be rid of the fantasy and can move on with your life.

To me, those are your only options. Anything you do otherwise that involves staying with your girlfriend and not letting her know the REAL you, is unfair, deceitful, and just.......wrong to do. K?

So be selfless and selfish all at the same time. Let this gal go (being selfless) even though you care for her because you KNOW you're not being fair to her. Act on your desires (being selfish) to see if this is something you truly want in your life.

I feel like what Hopeless Dork said. The funny, paradoxical thing is, when I am thinking about it, that she might not be shocked if I told her that I'd like to play with someone's penis. She absolutely doesn't tolerate cheating with women. When I asked her why, I tried to get to the core of the thing, what is the thing that makes people hate the very idea of that your partner had sex with someone else. She said that she believes that it may be just fun and no love involved, but that it seems disgusting to her. Like as if I fell into .... pile of . Totally disgusting. (And she says she has absolutely no interest in lesbian sex / which may explain that she might find the idea of me having contact with someone else's vagina disgusting, which a lesbian woman might find ok, but not tolerable). She believes that I would not leave her based on having sex with another woman but the idea of touching another naked woman is disgusting to her. Another interesting thing, she said that if we had a threesome with another girl / which I suggested just to see what her reaction would be/ she said that the moment I would touch the other woman's breast, she would kill her. That's interesting. I know she has no problem with gay people but how she would feel if I told her I played with a friend's penis, I have nooooooo idea. But for some reasons, I don't want to try telling her. She might laugh but she might be shocked too.

[WildChild]

So what you are saying is that:
women arouse you
you enjoy sex with women
when you are with a woman you do not fantasize about men
under certain circumstances you fantasize about being a woman with a man
sometimes you fantasize about mutual exploration with a man

There is nothing wrong with any of these fantasies. You obviously know that they are fantasy and know the difference between fantasy and reality. It seem to me that the biggest issue lies elsewhere, in your perception of family history, concerns over morals and values both in relationships and in society at large.

We are in a time of change and lots of people are struggling with figuring out what works and how we should interact and relate with one another. Some are digging their heels in and fighting tooth and nail to preserve some imagined past values that seem safe to them, never mind that most of the population, especially women really suffered under that value system. Others have thrown off most restraints and gone a little overboard perhaps. The rest are some place in the middle.

Where you are is OK. It doesn't sound like you are a closet gay, although I don't know. Nothing wrong with being gay, there is only concern there if you deny it and gain love only to shatter lives later, doesn't sound like you are on that path. You don't disgregard or disrespect women. It does sound like you have some issues with men and maybe some deep fears as a man of becoming someone who uses or hurts others? That might be an area to explore and heal. Very simply, you aren't your parents or your aquanintences who have used or misuesed others, broken hearts or broken vows. You choose your behavior. We are fortunate to live in time of choices. You can commit to one woman and ignore all the materialistic promotion to do otherwise. You can play and have a series of partners who also want to just play. Your choice. It's not you rplace to judge other's choices so long as they are consenting adults interacting with other consenting adults.

As for fantasies? Go ahead and fantasize. It's not like you are thinking about and fighting an urge to dismember people. I have fantasized about some things I would never do. It can be a way to explore your feelings, limits and your dark side. Many people fantasize and role play gender switching, wanting to explore what their partner feels. LOL I read a silly story years ago from a guy who wanted to understand what it felt like to be a woman. Wanting to get a fuller experience so to speak, he tried using a tampon...it didn't work out very well for him. The point is you are not alone in this fantasy. It may add to your sexual experience to try role switching with your partner, some people do it in their head or verbally, others dress the part to add to it. It's up to you. Doesn't reflect on your manhood.

At one time same gender fantasy was considered a normal part of growing up. Young people were more gender segregated and having crushes on a same gender adult such as a teacher or a peer was expected. Talking with young people now, exploring this seems to be a accepted thing by many teens. The girls seem to be more open about it and many switch back and forth from bf to gf several times. I suspect there is a fair number of boys who also do so but less openly.

In the poly community men who enjoy women very much may also enjoy men. It may not be a full sex thing but they are comfortable with touching and exploring and each sets their own boundries which are respected. You may need to just accept that your fantasies are OK and then get and do some exploring.

[Wruinin]

So what you are saying is that:
women arouse you
you enjoy sex with women
when you are with a woman you do not fantasize about men
under certain circumstances you fantasize about being a woman with a man
sometimes you fantasize about mutual exploration with a man

There is nothing wrong with any of these fantasies. You obviously know that they are fantasy and know the difference between fantasy and reality. It seem to me that the biggest issue lies elsewhere, in your perception of family history, concerns over morals and values both in relationships and in society at large.

We are in a time of change and lots of people are struggling with figuring out what works and how we should interact and relate with one another. Some are digging their heels in and fighting tooth and nail to preserve some imagined past values that seem safe to them, never mind that most of the population, especially women really suffered under that value system. Others have thrown off most restraints and gone a little overboard perhaps. The rest are some place in the middle.

Where you are is OK. It doesn't sound like you are a closet gay, although I don't know. Nothing wrong with being gay, there is only concern there if you deny it and gain love only to shatter lives later, doesn't sound like you are on that path. You don't disgregard or disrespect women. It does sound like you have some issues with men and maybe some deep fears as a man of becoming someone who uses or hurts others? That might be an area to explore and heal. Very simply, you aren't your parents or your aquanintences who have used or misuesed others, broken hearts or broken vows. You choose your behavior. We are fortunate to live in time of choices. You can commit to one woman and ignore all the materialistic promotion to do otherwise. You can play and have a series of partners who also want to just play. Your choice. It's not you rplace to judge other's choices so long as they are consenting adults interacting with other consenting adults.

As for fantasies? Go ahead and fantasize. It's not like you are thinking about and fighting an urge to dismember people. I have fantasized about some things I would never do. It can be a way to explore your feelings, limits and your dark side. Many people fantasize and role play gender switching, wanting to explore what their partner feels. LOL I read a silly story years ago from a guy who wanted to understand what it felt like to be a woman. Wanting to get a fuller experience so to speak, he tried using a tampon...it didn't work out very well for him. The point is you are not alone in this fantasy. It may add to your sexual experience to try role switching with your partner, some people do it in their head or verbally, others dress the part to add to it. It's up to you. Doesn't reflect on your manhood.

At one time same gender fantasy was considered a normal part of growing up. Young people were more gender segregated and having crushes on a same gender adult such as a teacher or a peer was expected. Talking with young people now, exploring this seems to be a accepted thing by many teens. The girls seem to be more open about it and many switch back and forth from bf to gf several times. I suspect there is a fair number of boys who also do so but less openly.

In the poly community men who enjoy women very much may also enjoy men. It may not be a full sex thing but they are comfortable with touching and exploring and each sets their own boundries which are respected. You may need to just accept that your fantasies are OK and then get and do some exploring.

Thank you for this post, it was really interesting.