[WFO]

I am frustrated. My wife talks about sex, then there is always some reason we can't do it. I need a little eye candy but she seems totally against showing anything. The lights need to be out - pitch black. Then there is only one way - missionary - that it can be done. Nothing else - especially not me giving oral. She might go down to talk to my buddy but just a few licks, then that's it. Sometimes we flip through some of the regular broadcast channels on TV and there will be some model wearing a bikini - I get scolded for that. Basically NOTHING visual, and it's always her way or the highway, with her way being only the one way. I'm getting fed up with the limitations. What's the point? I'm about to give up on her altogether....HELP.....

[jns]

How long have you been together and was sex always like this?

[WildChild]

I know it doesn't help but you aren't alone in dealing with this and it isn't just women who put sexual activity into a little box of required behaviors. Men do it too. Some people just have a lot of hang ups and your options are pretty much;
communication (only works if they are willing, listening and care)
counseling (getting help with communication)
live with it
leave

You can't make the other person change. Only they can do that. All you can do is change what you do, how you respond to them, how you communicate, how you treat them.

[WFO]

How long have you been together and was sex always like this?

21 years. Never any visuals. Never much oral. Before kids were old enough to stay up late it happened more often. I used to buy her little nothing things to wear but then when kids came along she really blimped up and never got control of herself, although even before then she was hefty, but wouldn't acknowledge it. In the last year or so she has gotten herself into a doctors program and lost about 40 pounds, but really needs to go for another 30 or so. It almost seems as if she is afraid to get all of that weight off, like she won't be her old self and won't know how to act. Which is also something I struggle with. Sometimes when she gets a little unhappy with me about some little thing she may be in the kitchen holding a paring knife, and seems to come up with some kind of statement like "If you don't ...I'm going to get you", showing me the knife. It is how some of her really obese friends talk to theor hubbies. I don't take her seriously and once even said to her, "Don't threaten me." and she hasn't done that since. I am trying to understand what's going on in her mind...which may be a frightening proposition for a guy. It just seems like she is so hung up about it. We used to attend the symphony pops concerts. On the walk out of the building there were always couples of girlfriends whose hubbies wouldn't come so they went together - dressed to the nines. So as we're walking out it's impossible to avoid some of them walking along in front of us - at which point I am instantly in the doghouse. She is very defensive about her appearance.

[WFO]

How common is it for wifey to do a little modeling for hubby at those special times? Is it typical or unusual? Is it just somethign the gals do to get a guy's interest before they know each other or once it starts does it usually continue into the marriage bedroom? Just struggling to understand if this is a typical thing guys have to deal with or am I struggling with somethign unusual.

[whit4488]

sounds like she has insecurities down there...maybe "issues"...warts or bad odor shes increidbly embarrassed about

[Colorado]

Sounds like she is holding onto some of her discomfort with her weight. Have you complimented her on her current weight loss and instilled in her that she is "more attractive than ever"?

Also, if her friends are heavy and have that same low opinion of themselves, they are probably exasperating the situation by sticking it into her head that they are all ugly because of their weight and have to hide themselves under pitch black darkness whenever the moment arrives. This is definitely not doing anyone any good, and almost impossible to change, as I have found that women tend to listen to their close friends about this stuff more than they will you. As long as they keep sticking this into her head and she continues to believe it, you are going to play heck trying to change her mind, for she has already convinced herself. Again what you CAN do is keep up the compliments on how great she looks as she keeps losing weight - heck, even if she doesn't, ask her, "hey, have you lost more weight? - you're looking fantastic!"

[foxdana]

but then when kids came along she really blimped up and never got control of herself, although even before then she was hefty, but wouldn't acknowledge it.

Using terms like this probably doesn't help anyone feel good about themselves!

[Awoman2]

That just sounds creepy. If you can live with it you stay, if you can't then leave.

If you think you and your wife will get better, or can get better, then hang in there. Frankly I am of the opinion that life is too short for some of the you have to take from other people. And you've been with her 21 years? You must like it.

[Hopeless Dork]

I gotta ask you this... 21 years and you are just fed up with this now? I think acting like you were accepting of the missionary lights out sex for 21 years... you have helped contribute to the situation.

You have to examine your own attitudes here.. I say this because instead of saying, wow she lost 40 pounds, good for her... you are thinking uh huh thats nice... lose another 30 then get back to me. If you at all give off the vibe you just stated to her... that may very well be WHY she doesn't want lights on sex, and likely prefers missionary since it hides her body the most.

It sounds like she is insecure, and I'm not saying thats your fault... but you have to maybe examine... at least if you truly want to make things better.. if you are contributing to her low self-esteem. Do you make her feel beautiful? Sexy? Women tend to be more vixens when they feel like the man in their life desires them, wants them.

I love lights on sex with my guy because he constantly reinforces how hot he thinks my body is, how sexy I look when we make love... and when we do his eyes are always on my face or my body or the penetration and I feel sexy, wanted desired... and it just makes me want to give him 'visuals' because I feel like they are trully appreciated.


You are probably going to take this as i am saying its your fault, but I am not... I am offering some advice if you do want to work this out... if you are just simply here to vent how fed up you are so ppl could say leave leave leave and you get the validation you need for that thought.. then just ignore what I am saying.

But if you actually want things to improve... I'd suggest not in anyway acting like you dissaprove of her body , but instead letting her know how sexy you think it is. It might not fix everything, but it might help some.