[WildChild]

Well put BD, very much what I was thinking. Secret's man may even find a challenge and continuing interest in being able to see her gradually open up. But Stressed is just being additionally stressed by the whole thing and not seeing any real improvement or true effort at it.

[ItsASecret]

Most of us gals have gone through at least some point in our sexual lives in which we are shy and more inhibited. With that, there usually comes a point in life in which the orgasmic lightbulb goes off and everything changes for us sexually. We become more aware of our own bodies, more comfortable with the person we're with, and more willing and eager to try new things. Finding someone who will be patient with you in that situation, work with you, respect your boundaries is a great thing....as long as you're open to the possibility of becoming more uninhibited. This is where I see ItsASecret.

That is definitely where I am. I am shy, that is not going to change and therefore I will always have some aspect of being inhibited but I am at least willing to try things. No orgasmic bulb has gone off for me but the search will continue. I do not know what it is like to be constantly rejected or have demanding tones pressed on me, my bf is patient but still pokes around that he wishes I would be more inhibited. It is that poking, with still respecting of my shy personality boundary, that keeps me going. If he was demanding it would be a totally different story, to which I would not be a happy woman and that can pose serious issues with sex potentially even leaving him. Being unhappy with the way you are treated is simply not a thing to live with.

[rcoreyus]

I think the compatibility issue is very important: different things matter to different people. Some may care that their SO is happy to do the physical things they want in bed. Others may want their SO to take an active role in initiating sex. Some may want a SO who is "wild" - yelling and flailing about. Some may want a SO who is adventurous and into BDSM, gender play and all sorts of "kinky" things.

I don't have any problem with people who want any of the above, but I think they will only be happy if they are in a relationship with someone with compatible tastes.

I think it is fine to leave someone over sex as long as you never mis-represented yourself. If you dated a person and got them to marry you by being sexually wild - then as soon as you got the ring decided you didn't want sex - that would be a big problem. But as long as you attempted to be honest, even if your desires have changed, I think it is OK to leave over sex.

Stressed, in your case your interests have been consistent, I think you are clear to leave without any moral qualms. That doesn't necessarily mean you you should leave, but you can if you want.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think it could be potentially damaging if not handled delicately. If the guy is already having sexual issues... having a gf leave him over them will only add to them... and he will chalk it up to the wrong reasons. Its not so much something wrong with him sexually that has truly got you to this point, even with hs quirks. Its more so that he just isn't making the effort to make you happy in that department. There are things he can do for you that he doesn't. Thats selfishness. Thats the root of the problem. If he were giving in other ways... if he were making a true effort to make you feel good, even just body massages, sexual touches that don't involve him getting off, just you... you would not be at the point you are.

So I wouldn't say its over sex that you are leaving him if you end up doing it, but rather over the fact that its a one-sided sexual relationship as in you do everything to please him and he doesn't do the same for you, doesn't even try. Thats the big issue I think of the things you've said here.

[rcoreyus]

Actually when I read this and other threads from Stressed, her SO is just a bad lover: he doesn't care at all about her enjoyment. I think it would be nice of her to tell him politely, but to be honest I think it IS his fault.

[Maximus]

Honestly, if I had a great relationship with my partner otherwise, if we:

were great friends
had a wonderful time together
had what I thought was a healthy sex life
had an honest faithful relationship
had mutual respect for each other
brought the best out in each other

And he came to me and told me he was leaving me because he wasn't happy with our sex life, I'd be devastated and feel very confused.

But if we didn't have those things I mentioned above, and if both of us regularly exhibited signs of not being compatible and happy with each other, if we lowered each others self esteem, if we were unfaithful, if we had lack of trust, if we did not have an active healthy sex life..... then I'd not be the least surprised and I'd wonder why he hadn't ended it with me sooner for all the other reasons.

I think BD has listed the right questions.
Then one might ask how many times did you make love instead of having sex. Because if sex is the problem, the love making might not be.

The other point to look into is the "love" thing.
For a person to claim that he/she loves the other, this also includes not withholding information and other feelings that end up hurting the relationship.
This includes taking the time and energy to improve the other and the relationship.

We are all grateful when we come across people that take time and energy to "improve" us.
Why the SO couldn't do the same ?

If he/she would go ahead and still deliver the message, then moving on, letting go of the relationship might be a better and wiser decision. There might be still some anger, sure ! or pride involved but letting go is certainly better.

[LilahX]

As much as we might not like it, sex is a vitally important component of a r/ship. If (for whatever reason) it's not good for one party it will eventually have repurcussions on the rest of the r/ship. In one way you're lucky that your partner is honest rather than just going along, leaving you in blissfull ignorance and get what he/she really needs elsewhere.

But if they are not willing to work on it with you, to discuss it openly and honestly and seek a solution then I'd say there is obviousdly no emotional connection there for them. The sex may or may not be bad but the emotional component obviously isn't there and without that there is no r/ship.