[rcoreyus]

Sadly more common that you would think (for both genders). I think some people think the point of sex is to have an orgasm, and if you want to do that quickly and efficiently, masturbation is the easiest.

I'm sorry, your situation is miserable.

[jns]

Counseling will have to do. Hopefully she will be agreeable. You traveled a lot and she found a way to get to orgasm that did not include you. I don't know if you did the same. Now you are back and want to pick up the relationship. I am not saying you did anything wrong, but the circumstances made it so you weren't together much for many years. For her, the masturbation became easier and more assured. She is probably very comfortable with what she is doing and doesn't realize how it affects you.

[LanaBear]

I think counseling really is the best bet. You need an unbiased third party to keep the talks moving in a positive and forward direction.

I agree with jns, you were gone a lot up until 3 years ago. She's had to learn to do a lot without you, including pleasuring herself. This isn't something that is going to be fixed and resolved overnight AND the kicker, she has got to WANT to change. If she can't admit to having some issues to work on, if she doesn't want to put in the work to change and help you in making the intimacy more mutual, well, then nothing anybody says will be able to help.

[WildChild]

I have to ask, you say you tell her daily that you love her and that you will do what she wants sexually. How long have you been saying this? Is it fairly new?

There are so many things that could be coming into play but obviously she enjoys sex, knows how to orgasm and feels desire. Counseling sounds like a good idea, if she won't go, you should. You can't change what she does, you can't make her want to change but you can change what you do and how you respond and sometimes that produces change in a partner.

A few possibilities to think about, excess weight can be a barrier against the world. Many women eat their feelings and fat can be a sheild against feeling that you are wanted only for your looks or sexuality, or food can be a substitute for many other things such as love or loneliness. Having a lot of freinds is a good thing but it isn't the same thing as feeling connected to your partner or loved by them. Actions speak louder than words. Even though you were gone for work reasons, what did your actions say? we each have different ways of connecting and feeling loved, what you thought and think you are saying may not be what is heard.

Think back before your sex life tanked. How did you treat her? Did you do little loving things for her without trying to lead it to sex? If sex dropped off for some reason such as pregnancy, where you resentful? So many times men will approach women with care or affection only when they want sex. Even though he may love her, this is hurtful. To most women it carries a message that She isn't valued. Sex is valued, house keeping may be valued, her paycheck may be valued, childcare may be valued, She isn't. Not for herself, not for who she is but for what she does or can provide. Man who are absolute champions at doing this may not see it at all, their perception is different. What counts when dealing with others, isn't so much what we think we did, as it is what they think we did - neither may be entirely right. Counseling can help you communicate better.

[oxy-moron]

It sounds like she is self medicating against with food and selflove.

Try giving here foot massage for long periods -even up to an hour- doesn't matter if she falls to sleep.

Give her lots of little safe touches - kiss her neck when she is not expecting it.
You are not trying to build up to sex. You are building up her Oxytocingn levels- this will take 3months at least. You will know it is working when it starts working when you start making longer eye contact.

Loose your own 25 pounds. Take over some of the shopping and cooking and lean towards a healthier diet. Take the initiative- you will be surprised by the changes- you will find yourself striking up conversions with strangers. The dynamics in your whole family will change.

Give it a try-when you do have sex she will be more comfortable with you and put a lot more into it.

[rcoreyus]

It may not in any way be the posters fault, or anything he can fix. I've spent 25 years with a wife who doesn't like to sleep with me and nothing has helped.

[thetty]

is ur wife masturbating before with all this vibrators? or just recently?if the answer is YES then that solves the problem.she is enjoying more than playing with herself and a few women enjoys vibrator than the real thing because they can control it inside or how they want the pressure and all those stuff u know what i mean.and since she got on weight and u too.it is more comfortable for her to do it on her own.but u have 2 talk to her that u love her.i think u should bring back the romance as u did the first time that u were both at the suitorial stage.try to let her feel speciasl,u know what women wants,attention,romance,flowers,dining out with the moon and when u feel she is into hot she will offer herself and will realize that ur always there for her whatever happens.good luck and merry xmas.

[capella050505]

If she doesnt want sex, but wants to masturbate it means that she wants to get turned on, but maybe you dont turn her on. She has fantasies that maybe you can't deliver.. but you wont know that unless you know what she fantasizes about.... sometimes just sharing sexual fantasies with someone is enough to reignite a sexual spark.. Know what turns her on!!!!! I understand from a womans perspective ( im not in the mood)... but thats why you need to turn her on!! if that means giving her a massage and being sensual... but do not expect sex... she said she doesnt want to be used.. so make it your goal to figure out what turns her on! Also, some woman cant orgasm unless they're alone.. due to insecurity.... so its just easier to masturbate.

[txdot2010]

Capella050505, I think you're on the right track, unfortunately. I finally confronted her about her habits a few days ago and she minimized it saying "it's not about you, it's me" and said she had a low sex drive and that she rarely thinks about sex or masturbates and that she's only used her toys a handful of times each. About her recent "all nighter" she claims she doesn't know what the heck I'm talking about and if anything was going on, it was in her sleep. A really, vivid sex dream to which she has no recollection, though she did say she was restless and didn't sleep well that night. Hard to believe and we'll just have to see where it goes.

[WildChild]

Capella050505, I think you're on the right track, unfortunately. I finally confronted her about her habits a few days ago and she minimized it saying "it's not about you, it's me" and said she had a low sex drive and that she rarely thinks about sex or masturbates and that she's only used her toys a handful of times each. About her recent "all nighter" she claims she doesn't know what the heck I'm talking about and if anything was going on, it was in her sleep. A really, vivid sex dream to which she has no recollection, though she did say she was restless and didn't sleep well that night. Hard to believe and we'll just have to see where it goes.

Look up Sexsomnia.