[Olympia]

You say you wish your wife would choose to do the things, "YOU" view, and what "IF", she were to try these things and her reaction not be that, which you viewed..? IMO, porn can take away the connection, the love, the romance, the sharing of "two" intimate beings. It offers, much like a video game.. Instant access and gratification or reward to its viewer/player, but removes the human emotional and/or social element. It can draw you into an artificial world.
How can this be love-making? Intimate..? You are asking her to play a part you have seen on your screen? To react in the way you have viewed..etc....... So to me anyway... it is asking her to forego her desires for yours! It does not matter if she enjoys this particular act done to her, this is just a part for her to play for YOU.. That is not making love!

[Guest]

Lead by example my good man....Lead by example.

Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you.

Would you have any interest in any of the things you mentioned in your thread IF you hadn't seen them in the artificial world of porn first?

[WildChild]

15 mins is, Maybe is, at a time? Porn is about getting men off. Period. I've looked at a very wide range of porn, I haven't seen anything- not one - that is about what would really pleasure a real woman.

You want to rock her world? Get some books, they have companion material too; One Hour Orgasm, Extended Massive Orgasm, are two you could start with. How about learning some tantric techniques? If she is orgasmic and receptive sexually, this could open some new doors for both of you.

[funlovingmale]

Thank you all for your insightful posts and for taking the time to respond. I have love for you all, even if you would like to hit me! HD, thanks, words of wisdom spoken with compassion. I think a lot of you have me wrong. I love my wife dearly and am a very generous lover I think she would say. I love to please her and go down on her often. She has multiple orgasms often. We are intimate. I often think to myself before making love to her that I wish to make it the best time ever. I am inspired by love to try adventurous new things (yes, things that I may have seen in porn.) I don't wish to make her my porn star or expect her to make my fantasies real. I'm not that naïve to think that those porno girls are into what is being DONE to them. I seek advice from real women such as you kind women here and elsewhere on the net. I lot of women share the fantasies I have which is the exact reason why I am excited by them. I will ask my wife what hers are again - she didn't really spell out anything last time and is reticent in this regard.

This was not what I wanted to debate. I think that porn is re-shaping sexuality and relationships, often in a negative way(especially for women). My personal example relating to expectations and disillusionment is apt. I feel that porn is more of a curse than a blessing! This is the question I wished to get feedback on.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

CW:Thanks for your insight. Double drats for editing out my opening joke which I thought was an ideal catalyst for debate, albeit a bit crass! In the context of how I perceive you to perceive me (selfish porn inspired pervert) I agree with virtually all you have written! There is a fine line between wanting to please yourself by pleasing your lover and being selfish. I see you paint me on the 'wrong' side! The thrust of my enquiry is about impact of porn on relationships and not my fantasies which may never come into fruition! I am not seeking to be controversial or crass, only candid so that you can better understand where I'm coming from.

Sorry about that, the edit

Okay, I can clearly see where you are coming from...

Firstly, there are enough of us that believe there is nothing wrong with watching porn, provided that your SO is okay with that, it doesn't affect your relationship, she doesn't feel intimidated, or un-loved...etc...

So that's my first comment.

Secondly, twice a month for half an hour, sounds more like 1) curiousity of your fantasies and we all have fantasies...I remind women that, we do look at a hot guy without a shirt and sometimes wonder off into a thought, dream,fantasy...and 2) there's something missing in the bedroom, between you two, and you have to establish that.. this leads you to frustration and consequently fantasy and therefore, porn...

I am interested to know what sort of effect so much porn consumption has on steady relationships and marriages.

I don't wish to enter into a moral debate here but wish to comment on how porn affects my relationship and would like to know how it effects others.

The point of mentioning these 'fantasies' is that I see all these exciting things being done and would love an opportunity to attempt to drive my wife wild with them. My immagination runs wild and my expectation of her is to be open to trying out new avenues of pleasure. But she is not willing (thus far- anal or toys) to entertain me, which I think is conservative, unadventurous and a little mean of her (I would entertain her.) This makes me a little disillusioned and sexually frustrated - a place I would not have come to without porn. Does anyone relate?

I've highlighted what your main questions, comments are so that people can "focus" on that, and answer you, as aposed to "debate on whether porn is good or bad, or whether they have had a bad experience and attempt to shoot you down"

There is a fine line..Often we are chalk and cheese, one loves sex, the other doesn't. One is adverturous, the other not. One changes with maturity and wants excitement and the other isn't willing, not even compromise for their partner...Does this boil down to their morals? Beliefs? Or is it a case of they know you watch porn and feel in-adequate or that you want them as a porn star, communication is the key to everything...so is showing your love, deeply ...

I can't relate to "porn" in a relationship, as I either have been blinded Or, it hasn't occured....

I can relate to reaching my age, and wanting more spice, fun...but more so on experience, really letting go, no fear, as apposed to plastic fantastic, I can't comprehend "me personally" the necessity if your man is there and between you, you have it down packed on making it awesome.

Let's hope you gain better insight into your question..It's valid, you fantasize and know it probably won't ever occur, but then it may, if your wife is not prudish, rather, is feeling, it's not wanted with love, rather, fantasy...

I feel that porn is more of a curse than a blessing! This is the question I wished to get feedback on.

I do too, bit like Adam and Eve and forbidden fruit..It makes you thirsty and that, creates a river of problems...if you can't swim

CW

[Jim60]

Well, it's hard to see how porn could be beneficial to a relationship, unless, I suppose, it was something both partners enjoyed together. I've no idea how common that would be, I've never been in a relationship where it happened anyway.

It's easy to imagine it could have a corrosive effect by creating a demand for acts the non porn watching partner would find objectionable. I don't really buy that it would kill desire for ones partner, any more than watching a fishing video would stop you wanting to go down to the river.

I suppose it could become compulsive and a big waste of time, but then so can gaming, watching soaps etc.

Mostly I suspect it is pretty neutral for most people.

Do I watch porn? Yes. Why?

Work patterns mean that my wife and I spend quite a lot of time apart and we are together in bed mostly only at weekends. This isn't quite enough for me, so sometimes I masturbate mid week, and porn is part of that. I do enjoy it, and it means I am not disturbed by feeling horny, getting sleep disturbed etc. It might happen once or twice in a week or not at all. My wife know I masturbate and is cool with it, I presume she knows about the porn as we have discussed it in the past. She doesn't much care for porn herself so I keep it discrete now. Just as I don't make it a point to tell her I jerked off on wednesday night.

I would have no problen in her doing the same, though for the record she says that she does not and has never masturbated. Not sure about that as she seems to know what to do when we are together, but it may just be a very private thing to admit doing it alone so if it isn't quite true I don't mind at all - we don't have to know absolutely everything about one another.

I would much rather my wife was there with me, the porn is very much second best and a masturbatory tool, and as long as it is the case I don't see it as a problem.

Having finaly read the OP's question properly - I don't believe porn has any effect either way on our relationship.

But it does keep me comfortable and more relaxed midweek! And that's a good thing for me.

[WildChild]

This was not what I wanted to debate. I think that porn is re-shaping sexuality and relationships, often in a negative way(especially for women). My personal example relating to expectations and disillusionment is apt. I feel that porn is more of a curse than a blessing! This is the question I wished to get feedback on.

I Have given this a lot of thought over time and have been concerned at the affect it is having. I've posted about this before. Looked at historically for most of human history there really was no porn, just people. There are depictions od sexual acts on pottery (rarely seen in museums) and there are elaborate carvings and painting on temples because sex was, wisely, part of worship but there were no means to mass produce or distribute what we think of as porn. We know people have created sexual aids about as long as there have been people, again not something you will likely see in a museum.

Then came the printing press and the ability to mass produce printed material, I've no doubt some was sexual. At this time sex had been turned into something dirty by religion, and it was becoming purient. But there still was not a wide availability for the masses. Then came photography and still photos of women and sex acts started to really spread. Film came into exsistance a little over a century ago (?). Arcades, X rated theaters spread. But men went to them and spent time and money there. Access was limited.

And then the VCR was invented. Some of us remember a time when they were an oddity and we wonder why you would want one. The porn industry bloomed and spread and literally drove the sales of VCRs and in the US, VHS tapes. With the internet it Exploded. Immediately available from virtually any location, with a mass of material for free , it has and is altering relationships and I think, even sexuality.

Having recently ended a relationship with a man I loved passionately, more so than I have ever loved a man. I believe that porn and what I call a "porn mentality" was significant in having warped his thinking and attitude toward women. He is by no means alone. I am a fully orgasmic woman, very responsive. His slightest touch or even his presence, was enough to arouse me. In the early days he was a tender and caring lover, the sex was amazing - for both of us I think. Then like the light switch being turned off, he changed. I chose to give him time to explore where his head was and rode along with what he seemed to need. I won't go into details but he used me like living porn. I allowed this for a reason. I never failed to cum when we had sex but there was no joy in it, no real pleasure - it was just sex. To some, especially many men, that may sound OK but it isn't healthy. It damages your heart and spirit if you let it. I doubt if most women could have stayed responsive to a man treating them like this for as long as I did and I couldn't have with any man I loved less. Eventually he ceased wanting sex and preferred masterbation or assisted masterbation,(bjs and hjs) I think the few time we had intercourse it was just throwing me a bone(r).

Coming together sexually, even without being "in love" should still be a joyful joining, fun, pleasurable for both. We are still emerging from a long dark time in human history in which it was debated whether women even had souls or any true feelings. Women were seen as "vessles" for men's seed, objects to be used. Now we are admitting that women are really human but in porn we aren't really. And there is far too much "porn" sex in real life because boys and men are being conditioned by watching it. If you do some reading on how the brain processes information and learns you will be start to see clearly that is inevitable that in watching your brain is being reprogrammed. Watching and masterbating your responses are being trained. Women don't really respond to what men are training themselves into. In many cases men are simply not bothering to interact with a real woman at all.

Increasingly I understand that the sexual joining of two people is something that extends far beyond body parts and friction. The experience can reach to your soul, your spirit. If you've ever really loved, really connected sexually, you will understand what I'm saying with this. Porn twists this and manipulates it and plunges it back into the world of the ugly user sex we've had for generations, only now women are supposed like it instead of just endure it to satisfy his "needs". Any time one being uses another it diminishes both but especially the user.

Look at how many pre orgasmic women we have visit here. Is a man who uses what he sees in porn ever going to help guide one of them to being fully orgasmic? Not likely. If the are expecting sex to be what they see in porn are they ever going to become orgasmic - not likely.

I've watched quite a bit of porn for someone who really doesn't enjoy it. Many of the actresses (they Are acting, people) have teeth gritted grimaces of pain or looks of boredom, not pleasure. Any man who can't tell the difference shouldn't be allowed to touch a woman. Given that a significant percentage of men, admit that men are less in touch with their feelings to begin with, promoting anything that puts them even further from that can be relationship suicide. People are social creatures, it is required for our survival. Infants who are given excellent physical care but not touched or held, fail to thrive. In some cases it can make the difference between life an death. We are meant to connect, we are wired for it. Porn creates a barrier to that and warps it when it does happen.

Some women do enjoy porn. Some men can limit it and its affect. But if you have had really connected sexual experience that is beyond the physical, your perspective will change. Its like the difference between fast food and real, healthy food. Its fine on rare occations, but a steady diet of fast food will destroy your health. A lifetme of porn driven, directed and educated sex will keep you from knowing what really could be and could destroy any desire for connected sex with another.

So, yes, it is a problem. It is affecting relationships and sexual behavior and it needs to be addressed. Not because watching people having sex and being aroused is wrong but because the attitudes and behaviors are negative.

[Olympia]

Funlovingmale,

My personal example relating to expectations and disillusionment is apt. I feel that porn is more of a curse than a blessing! This is the question I wished to get feedback on.

As i stated before, porn is artificial. It is not an intimate sharing of passion/love.
Your discussion of its being a curse..? Well as you stated in your original post, there are a huge amount of men out there getting cursed at least 15 min. a day! Would this not state men prefer a quick wham bam thank you mam/sir, rather than passionate lovemaking with a human? It seems to me we are becoming an un-society.. Quick fix, text, IM, video game, porn... gadget world. It seems difficult to disconnect our "devises". IMO, it is changing us and the way we view/do things...

[Texinator]

Porn is like McDonald's: quick, easy, and low quality. But at least a hamburger from McDonald's is something real, whereas porn is fiction playing out in a 2D world, and I doubt that anybody who works at McDonald's believes their training makes them a culinary expert.

[Rediscovered]

There is a wonderful website that talks about what porn does to your brain neurochemically (it is fascinating, yet very disturbing). If you remember the commercials for "your brain on drugs"--that is very similar to the name of this website (it is a not-for-profit website, by the way). I consider the woman who owns the website to be a friend and she is a wonderful person who is truly trying to help people understand how it can so easily become an addiction and how damaging it can be to your relationships (the website only speaks to the science of it--it is not judging nor religious in nature).