[CHANDLERS WISH]

Chloe I am so sorry ......

I guess, there are two things now, one he has to believe all the initial words you spoke before the fight, as he's possibly feeling they were lies, as you tried to set things up that he would win...

Two anger plus over the other oponents response in public....his ego would be very low...I am not sure what to suggest there, other than you've done all you can...You may have to back off and just let what ever happens happens and maybe speak to his coach for your sake, to understand how someone gets past this...If not him, write to an experienced known boxer in compassion and ask their advice you never know, everyone has heart and maybe one will reply.

CW

[jns]

I am sorry it came to this.

If he wishes to continue fighting he will have to get back to training and learning new maneuvers. He will have to fight lesser opponents to get his confidence back. Hopefully he will take his time so he is ready to go back in the ring.

On thing is certain, this other fighter sounds like a good fighter, even if I find him to crude and tactless with you. He will get his sooner or later. There is always someone better or someone luckier.

If you want to help your bf out, start studying up about sports psychology and fight preparation. If you want to be in his corner, you have to know how to handle that situation, not just try something. If you had came to us before going to his opponent, we would have all said not to go there. Water under the bridge now, a painful lesson learned.

Now he may need some mothering if his spirit is somewhat broken. The constant support will help him mend his psyche. But not too much.

Watch some movies, maybe Raging Bull would be good, but maybe it would be a little too depressing.

[Guest]

your boyfriend is a lucky guy...he has someone who cares about him so much.

i'd just leave him alone for as long as it takes. keep taking care of him, but don't say ****. that is, take care of him just as you would if he had won, but DON'T talk to him about the fight, don't talk to him about sex, or anything. no "do you want to catch a movie?" or "hey, lets go shopping".

do ask him, "what do you want to eat?"..."is the heat on too high? i'm turning it down" and other mundane things.

this could totally not work, but at the same time it will force your BF into realizing the reality that he lives with you and therefore a) you still care about him cuz otherwise u'd be banging the other dude right now b) that life "goes on" and c) that the onus is HIM to fix this whole problem and that you will help him and work with him.

you both need to forget about fighting for a while (personally, forever, but thats just me). he continues to link his defeats with pleasing you and in reality the two SHOULD not have anything to do with each other.

i'm not gonna lie, if i was in your BF's shoes, i'd feel the exact same way. so whats happening is perfectly normal. but it still sucks.

by "ignoring" his fighting (i.e his losses, his PE, the sexual dysfunctions) you will definitely get into his head. he will, when he is ready, want to talk to you about those things. of course you might have to have sex with yourself until the issues get resolved, but thats a small price to pay if everything works out.

trust me, if there is no clinical problem (depression, etc), your BF will come to and i'd bet he'll come to you sooner rather than later, cuz guys can't go very long without sex.

you've done all you could do, and please keep us in the loop from time to time as someone out here will be bound to have some answers when things look crazy.

best of luck!

[stressed]

Chloe... his opponent let him up every time and didn't finish the fight because he wanted to destroy your boyfriend...first his face, then his body... He didn't want to just win, but to mess up your boyfriend physically, mentally, emotionally. He had no respect for him, neither as a fighter nor a man, he wanted to crush him. He wanted to ridicule and humiliate him. Some good fighters have this attitude (just watch both fights of Silva vs Franklin).

You broke down again...

BUT you had an idea that this would happen, you were prepared for it. Now your boyfriend needs support. It has to be all about him, what he wants, when, you shouldn't argue with him at all. If he tells you he wants to be alone, you leave him alone. No questioning. One day he'll understand all this and hopefully realize that he can't get into a fight without proper training. He can't schedule a rematch with a superior opponent so soon. I hope, for his sake, that his coach will tell him that.

But you shouldn't say anything to him, not express your feelings, not tell him your views, nothing. It's too soon for anything. Help him heal but don't discuss, don't initiate anything. He feels 100 times worse than you do right now, he doesn't know what to think, what to say, who to talk to, but he will figure it out.

I'm very sorry about this but I hope he will learn a lot after this fight, both as a man and a fighter. He should never had gotten in that ring for this rematch in the first place because he wasn't ready for it. He knows this, you know this, there's nothing more you can do.

Be patient and keep writing to us, it will help you a little bit.

[T-man]

Hi Chloe,

I'm really sorry things turned out this way and I hope in the future things will improve.

What to do now is decide if you are willing to fight for your relationship. If you are then you may have a hard road ahead of you. If your not then walk away now.

You're in a really ****ty situation and I can only see two ways to deal with it.

You're boyfriend has been destroyed inside and out, by what he sees as your betrayal and by the fight. What ever you do, do not go and speak to his coach or anyone else!! You tried that before and if you do it again he will see it as another betrayal.

You can step away and give him space and hope that when he comes round that things will be better. But I'm not sure that's the way to go, he may see that as his girlfriend abandoning him when he needs you the most and his head will play tricks and convince himself that you are with someone else.

I really believe that you need to be completely honest with him but it's your choice.

Go into his hospital room, tell him you are going to talk to him and explain your actions. Tell him that he is to not speak only listen and once you are finished that you will leave unless he has questions. Then tell him everything, tell him everything you have told us. Don't let him interrupt you, tell him why you acted the way you acted, tell him how you feel about fighting, how you felt watching him be destroyed, tell him about this advice column, most importantly tell him the reason you went to his opponent - which is, you didn't, you weant to the other coach and ran into his opponent and you did it because you cared so much for him, that you were so worried about him after seeing his last fight, not because you didn't believe in him but because you knew that he hadn't had enough training time, so you swallowed your pride for him, because you cared for him, because you couldn't bear for him to be so broken inside and out again and that you wanted to have the fight postponed so that he had a fair shot. (he's a fighter, deep down he knows it was a mistake fighting so soon - he knows this)
Tell him how it makes you feel watching him being so beaten and tell him how it feels knowing that you were the cause of some of the problems. Tell him that you're sorry.

Don't let him speak while you are explaining. Then,challenge him. Tell him that you're not going to give up on him, you're going to help him through this no matter what and you will be with him until he's better. If he wants to break up then, that's his decision but you're not going to abandon him when he needs you the most. You're going to fight for him because you love him and the only thing he has to decide is whether he is going to fight for it too or not, and if not then you are both going to lose big time. Then get up and walk out.

Leave him there until the next day to think about everything you said then the next day go see him and don't say anything about your conversation. Just do what any girlfriend would do if her man was hurt, help him recover, ask him how he feels etc.

Ultimately Chloe, you have to decide what you think is right. Nothing may work, but not telling him what you were really feal has backfired up until now, be brave, you might lose him anyway and tell the truth.This is what I would do.

I do believe that unless you expain why you went to his opponent (remember you went to the other coach first and just ran into his opponent) then he will never be able to get over anything else. Give him all the space he needs after you have your say because unless you get it through his head that you weren't trying to betray him then his thoughts will go round and round thinking about all the possibilities that his insecure male head can come up with, namely you with the other guy, and it will destroy any hope you have of saving this relationship.

I also, agree that you should give him space at the same time but don't abandon him because he'll blame you for that too. So don't sit by his bed all the time, but do visit him every day and check his dressings, clean the room, change the flowers etc. Show him you're not leaving him, you're not abandoning him. He'll see this and he'll see you care about him and hopefully he will then accept your explanation and you can rebuild your lives.

Of course he may never and you will then have to accept it, learn from it and move on.

I guess it will be a while, if ever, before we hear the outcome.

Good luck
T-man

[Guest]

[QUOTE=stressed;246254]Chloe... his opponent let him up every time and didn't finish the fight because he wanted to destroy your boyfriend...first his face, then his body... He didn't want to just win, but to mess up your boyfriend physically, mentally, emotionally. He had no respect for him, neither as a fighter nor a man, he wanted to crush him. He wanted to ridicule and humiliate him. Some good fighters have this attitude (just watch both fights of Silva vs Franklin).

Yea, I released this after the fight. Not only was it obvious from what his opponent said, but also just in the way my boyfriend acted. I mean he seemed extremely down about the first loss, but this was just completely different. I could honestly tell he had his life beaten out of him. The spark of hope he had before the match? It completely vanished. It was pretty much like my boyfriend was a shell of who he was before he got in the ring. I didn't realize exactly how bad this was going to be, but even disregarding my boyfriends anger the condition he's in mentally is much worse than his physical condition, which is pretty bad. At this point I'm almost happy to see anger out of him, even if it's towards me, it's better than nothing at all.

He was crushed in every sense on the word in the ring that day, and I'm not sure if he'll ever be the same. How does one even start to pull them-self back together from a loss like that? I mean a loss is one thing but this guy pretty much paraded my boyfriend around the ring for three rounds, making a fool out of him. He was being mocked, humiliated, and tortured quite badly, all in front of me. : (

[Guest]

Thanks again for all the responses guys! You're support is honestly helping me so much with this.

I basically decided to take your advice T-Man, waiting completely just seemed to passive to me, very unlike the supportive girlfriend of a fighter!

I told him to listen and I would explain my actions about why I involved his opponent in trying to reschedule the fight. I told him that in order to explain why I did this that I needed to tell him exactly how I feel about him fighting.

I basically told him that I love it when he wins, it sucks when he loses(but he's gonna lose a few so it's whatever), but that I just can't stand to see him dismantled like he has been. I told him that seeing him collapsed out on the ring floor is probably the scariest thing in the world for me at this point. I told him how shook up I get when I see my man, the person I'm devoting my life too, get beaten so badly to the point of being knocked out. I told him what it's like for me see his motionless body sprawled out on the mat, eyes closed, as if he had just been killed and I lost him forever, and to have to walk around on egg shells days/weeks/approaching months now after the fight because I don't know what to say to help him get out of his slump. I told him awful it makes me feels to seem him embarrassed and humiliated, in front of fans, friends, loved ones, and myself by someone who's merely playing with him like a childs toy, and I told him that we can prevent any of that from happening if he were to just fight smart and at his full capacity, which is what I was trying to get him to do.

I told him that I originally went to his opponents coach, and that I only tried talking to his opponent when I seen him there. I told him I was desperate to stop the fight, not because I didn't believe he had a chance (a little lie here), but because I was concerned that it was too soon and that he wouldn't be as prepared as I thought he should be. I told him that I was honestly doing it with his best interests in mind!

I also told him how much it hurt me to say something like "Why don't you just him already" when it's clear I have no interest in that, otherwise I would have done it already(And he knows that would have been brought up before the fight).

Unfortunately, he still doesn't believe me. He said he could feel the doubt in me after the first fight, which is why he tried to get back in the ring so quickly and beat his opponent. He said he was afraid if he waited too long the doubt would grow inside me until I no longer believed he had any shot at all, and he was afraid that might cause me to abandon him for his opponent. I told him that it's not true, but right now, in his mind, he said he knows that my doubt in him has grown tremendously after seeing him get "emasculated" in his late fight. (That's not my word and it really concerns me, I know men don't like to verbalize their feels of sadness/embarrassment much, so it's almost like he's so completely defeated in every way and he's shameless/hopeless).

He said that I won't really know how I feel about him until I've been with his opponent. He says that if I just stay in a relationship with him that I'll always keep doubting him and regret not ever experiencing what he calls a "real man". I told him that's absolutely absurd, but he said that deep down he knows that I, like every woman, wants a strong, alpha male to protect her. He said that not all woman get a type of man like this, but that I'm special and that I deserve one. I told him that he's all the man I need and much more, but his self esteem just seems so low right now that he's rejecting virtually everything I try to say. He said that women love it when they have big, strong men as protectors. Like someone to keep them safe from people who would otherwise want to take advantage of them. He said that right now he can't be that because I'll never see him that way in my mind again after seeing him get beaten so badly in the ring. He asked me who could he possible protect me from? He said it's only natural for the most attractive female to lust after the most dominant and powerful male, and that it's simply not him right now and I deserve someone better . It's like he's putting me on a pedestal that he can't ever hope to reach after his loss. : (

So, I really have no idea what to do right now. It's almost like he's pushing me into the arms of his opponent? Is that some type of sick test, or maybe his self confidence/self esteem is so low right now that he actually thinks I'll be happier/better off with his opponent? It's like he wants me to ensure that I've at least tried to have a relationship with who he seems to think is the bigger "man".

Maybe I should pretend like I'm interested and go on a couple mock dates that prick and then dump him for my boyfriend? Maybe that will bring his self confidence up? Knowing that I've been around his opponent and still love him?

I honestly have no idea what to do!!!??? This is driving me crazy. : (

[stressed]

Maybe I should pretend like I'm interested and go on a couple mock dates that prick and then dump him for my boyfriend? Maybe that will bring his self confidence up? Knowing that I've been around his opponent and still love him?

Chloe... if you do that he'll never want to be with you ever again. You shouldn't play games with him because here and now is not about him having to prove anything to you, it's about you having to prove everything to him.

Keep supporting him and don't even think about going out with his opponent. He's suffering a lot right now, he needs you next to him. The last thing he needs is to have to prove his love for you all over again, which he won't do.

It's still too soon for him to be rational, he's still overwhelmed by emotions. I wonder what his coach said about the fight.

[Guest]

Maybe I should pretend like I'm interested and go on a couple mock dates that prick and then dump him for my boyfriend? Maybe that will bring his self confidence up? Knowing that I've been around his opponent and still love him?

Absolutely not SAFE.

This guy is a jerk. Trust me.

Who's to say he won't escalate and force himself onto you? He has no regard for your BF, and will have even lesser regard for you.

Even if it was safe, your BF is thinking rationally enough to accept that.

Honestly, you have a decision to make. Stick it out and see if time heals things. How long it takes no one knows. How long you wait is purely your decision. Things seem pretty irreparable to be brutally honest.

I think that a valuable lesson is to be learned by all parties. You're in this predicament because somewhere down the line your BF learned to equate manliness solely with being a victorious fighter. He for some reason doesn't understand that there are other ways that manhood can be measured and proven. You are also at least partly responsible for reinforcing that misconception and for feeding what was ultimately a false belief.

A man once said, "Strong is not he who knocks the other down in a fit of rage, strong is he who controls his anger." This man was no "pacifist", and indeed is reviled by many as the most ruthless military leader of all time.

I might sound harsh, but I am saying what is real in the hopes that such mistakes aren't repeated, by you or anyone else. You yourself have admitted that this might end the relationship. In my opinion, nothing in any positive relationship is worth ending that relationship.

Enough with the lecturing.

What you need to do now is just chill out. Support your guy in whatever way you deem fit. Obviously if he comes around tomorrow, problem solved. But what if he takes a month? What if it takes a year? What if he never comes around? These are questions which need to be answered. Ultimately, you have to do what makes YOU happy. you cannot live for someone else, especially when that person does not want to live for you, or does not believe he deserves to live for you. As sad as it might be, you can't change his mind by force only by persuasion.

Best wishes, and remember, life does go on...

[T-man]

Hey Chloe,

You've explained your actions and been honest and apologised for whatever was necessary.

If you do any real or simulated dates with this guy it will only confirm for your boyfriend that he is right and you will break up.

Honestly now, all that's left to do is to get on with things. Support your boyfriend and try and bring some normality to your life again. He will come around, he just needs time to work through his thoughts and his perceived inadequacies. You've both been through a bit of a rollarcoaster recently and it's time to be normal again.

I will say that, in a week, ten days or however long you feel is necessary, if your boyfriend is still acting the same way, you might say to him that life takes place outside of the ring and real men are the ones that fight for things in the real world. He lost a fight, get over it, he's going to lose you if he doesn't grow up.

Be prepared to move on if this doesn't work out but do give it a good shot, until you're happy you tried your best as you will regret it otherwise.


Best of luck and
Take care
T-man