[BlissfulEnigma]

I love my boyfriend to pieces and I think he's the sexiest man I've ever met and nearly every time I'm around him I can't help but have the urge to get sexual. The problem is, he's not a very sexual person. When I got with him, I thought he was [he had always given off that vibe in high school] and decided to pursue him for that reason, because I thought we would be evenly matched and great sex partners. Over a year later, I'm wildly in love with him, but the sex is just not doing it for me. He'll do it, but he doesn't seem to enjoy it much, it's always in the same position unless I make it otherwise, and he doesn't last for very long. He's more sensual and I'm more sexual. I do enjoy the gentle, caring, love-making that he does. But every once in a while I just want to be bent over with my hair pulled, or lifted onto the counter in the middle of making dinner. He doesn't get that, he doesn't want it, and doesn't understand what I mean when I tell him I want it. I told him I wanted spontaneity and so he just started climbing on me during movies and doing what he always does.

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I've been faking orgasms with him. I just feel so bad and I know he's insecure and I wouldn't want him to know that I'm not getting that physical satisfaction. Now that I'm faking it regularly I can't just stop or he'll know something's up and start to feel horrible.

And I feel horrible. Because he's an amazing, caring, wonderful man. And he's sexy. So sexy that I literally have wet dreams about him. But it's just that those dreams never happen in real life. :/

Any tips for how to approach the situation?

[BlissfulEnigma]

And is it normal for me to be feeling this way?
Should I just ignore it, or talk to him about it?

I've tried taking the lead, and he enjoys that, but the problem is that I want HIM to take the lead. He's more than happy to lay there and let me do the work, but when it comes to what I want, it's different.

[WildChild]

Sounds like you are making him sexy - in your mind, but he really isn't outside of your mind. Ignoring it will not improve things. Communication is the key. Can you. calmly and in a non threatening way expain just what you want?

[BlissfulEnigma]

I have tried to. I've sat down with him and told him that I needed a little bit more spontaneity, passion, and dominance out of him. He started crying because he felt like an inadequate lover and I felt horrible. And I could tell that he was trying to do those things, but it just wasn't working. I had basically told him that if he wants something sexually, to just take what he wants and that I like it better that way. The first couple of times after that he pushed my head down so I could give him oral, but that was it.

Another thing that bothers me about this whole situation is because he just dismisses my high sex drive as being a result of sexual abuse in my past. Like, the only reason I would want him to occasionally be dominant over me is because of some deep-seated issue stemming from being abused as a child. Yeah, that may be the case, but it doesn't change the fact that it's what I want. But I think he's just such an anxious person, and knows about the repetitive abuse I've been through, that he's worried about "taking advantage of" me in any way.

I've tried everything I can think of. From bringing his hand up and making him pull my hair during sex, to asking to do naughty things to him in the hopes that he'll do them back, to just telling him what I want and I'm getting nowhere.

[WildChild]

First off, he sounds like a wonderfully sensitive and aware man. You are going to have to look closely at your compatabilty. Do you enjoy his more tender love making? It sounds like you are unable to orgasm with it? How can you be certain that a more aggressive approach will meet your needs?

There is a fine line here between wanting a man who is more assertive and moving into abusive behavior. I have my own theories on our culture of abuse and how it affects our sexuality - especially for those of us who have grown up with abuse. Can the two of you compromise at all? Can you educate your body (there are ways) to be more responsive to a more tender approach? Is he willing to do some role playing (it would be role playing for him) of a more aggressive nature sometimes?

I suggest you get a copy of, The Orgasm Loop, she explains some techniques that may help you.

[BlissfulEnigma]

I do enjoy his tender love-making, it's just that it's become repetitive. At the beginning of our relationship, I was able to orgasm easily, but I think ever since it's become routine and I've been faking he hasn't been putting as much effort into it because he thinks he's satisfying me with what he's doing. And then it progressively gets worse and worse. I was with a man a while ago that was a very aggressive lover [too aggressive, even for my tastes] and I had multiple orgasms every time we had sex. I did miss the sensual and gentle part of lovemaking when I was with him, which is why I don't want to get rid of it COMPLETELY, I just need a little bit of variety. I'm just tired of doing the same thing every time and knowing exactly what he's going to do and what he expects me to do.

I think my abuse has made me a more sexually driven person, just because sex was introduced to me at such a young age. But the nature of my abuse was not really aggressive, just manipulative and sinister. I think I just naturally enjoy a little rougher sex. And when I say rough, I don't mean that I want him to whip me or anything like that. I just want a little more dominance on his part.

Our compatibility is something that has been bothering me. I care about him a lot and I can see this leading to marriage and children in the future, but with my personality I don't know if I can live a life with a man who isn't sexually satisfying me.

How do I educate my body to do that?

And I will ask him about the roleplaying and try to get a copy of that book.

Thanks.

[Texinator]

Maybe he is "too sensitive," and he worries about somehow disrespecting you or degrading you if he were to switch a little from the nice sex to the naughty sex?

[Texasred]

It does really sound as if you two are not very sexually compatible. You can live like this for a while - for years even - but it will always cause you dissatisfaction, and this will turn into resentment and ultimately, dislike.
So you need to change something now. If your boyfriend cannot find his inner John Wayne, or at least temporarily suppress his inner Alan Alda, you might consider moving on.

[stressed]

It can either have something to do with your past, but it may not be related to it at all (I feel for you anyway). What is obvious is that he's unable to be the kind of lover you want. He's either being "too careful" sexually on purpose, or he's not a passionate lover, he's not interested in exploring new ways to please you, or he may just think that as long as you orgasm you're satisfied. You should not fell guilty for being the way you are, you shouldn't blame your abuse on it, there are many women who feel like you who haven't been abused. Whatever causes it, it's not a problem.

You've told him what you want and he cried. I get the feeling he does make an effort, but it's still not what you have in mind.

You have two choices:

- Either keep working on this, give him books to read, keep suggesting things you can do, you can take control yourself, you can role-play and so on.

- Accept he's not going to change and give up trying to change him into a passionate lover before you end up married with children and dissatisfied for the rest of your life. a.k.a. Leave.

The chances of him changing are 90% against and 10% for. Your choice.
I personally made the second one.

[BlissfulEnigma]

Tex: I think that's exactly it. He's also a very anxious person. Not long ago he was in the hospital with severe anxiety. One of the things that was bothering him was the fact that he may become a sex offender. I had been telling him about my abuse and about the cycle of abuse [victim becomes offender and so on] and since he may have been abused when he was little, he took it as "Oh, god. I'm going to be a pervert." I think this is one of the reasons why he's so hesitant to be sexually dominant with me, a perpetual victim.

Texasred, stressed: I love him too much to leave him. Right now. I can forsee this becoming an issue in the future, and I've already found myself being short with him for no reason because I'm not getting the release I need, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Aside from the whole sex thing he's absolutely wonderful for me. He's been supportive through me quitting marijuana, through losing a friend to suicide, through family and school issues. He and I can sit and talk for hours on end. He's like my best friend whom I also happen to love romantically. We're in the process of getting an apartment together and we've discussed marriage and children and the works.

I need to at least try some more. If the issue ultimately can't be resolved then I'll have to consider the alternative, though. I just don't know if I can live life that way. And I don't want to be tempted to be unfaithful in the future, either.