[JadedQueen]

I think the reason they tell you it's not worth it... is because their first experience was probably a disappointing one, either they weren't ready (emotionally), they regret it, maybe the person they lost their virginity to wasn't worthy and they didn't realize until it was to late. You could ask 20 women how their first time was and you would get so many different views, some would tell you it was good, some would say bad, some would say uncomfortable etc...
I know some girls lose their virginity due to peer pressure from the guy they are dating, or maybe they don't want to be the only virgin in their group of friends so they rush into having sex when they aren't ready.
I respect the fact that you want to wait until marriage, Even if you decide to have sex prior to getting married just make sure it's with someone that you love, and that loves you. It makes all the difference in the world and makes it "worth it"

[collegegirl2010]

I think the reason they tell you it's not worth it... is because their first experience was probably a disappointing one, either they weren't ready (emotionally), they regret it, maybe the person they lost their virginity to wasn't worthy and they didn't realize until it was to late. You could ask 20 women how their first time was and you would get so many different views, some would tell you it was good, some would say bad, some would say uncomfortable etc...
I know some girls lose their virginity due to peer pressure from the guy they are dating, or maybe they don't want to be the only virgin in their group of friends so they rush into having sex when they aren't ready.
I respect the fact that you want to wait until marriage, Even if you decide to have sex prior to getting married just make sure it's with someone that you love, and that loves you. It makes all the difference in the world and makes it "worth it"

Thanks Jaded Queen! I loved your reply. Though it is sort of annoying when people tell me that, I can understand why. What you have said about peer pressure is more than likely the reason. But, why do they tell me this, while they are still going out and having sex and bragging about it? Is it addictive? Not meaning to sound like an idiot or sound harsh or anything, just curious.

[Texinator]

You're right, you should wait until you're ready, whenever that might be. Having said that, I wanted to comment...

Sex is sex, to me there should be no good or bad, its just sex for crying out loud.

Ah, but it's not "just" sex. It's easy not to crave good sex if you've never had it before and you don't really know what you're missing, but once you're sexually active and have felt first hand the power of sex and especially good sex, it becomes much more difficult to dismiss.

Some people then still try to guilt themselves into thinking that sex is just sex and that they're "dirty," "inappropriate," "oversexed," or whatever, for wanting to have good sex, and while they might make a good effort trying to suppress their sexual appetite, they can't just think it away.

But, in my opinion, there are many more things that are important in a marriage for me to be worrying if we are compatible in bed. The way I feel is that sex will be very important to me, but some people focus TOO much on sex and not other things that build a happy marriage, that can also break a marriage apart.

There are plenty of factors that go into making a relationship work or not work. Sex is just one of them, but it is nevertheless an important part. It's about the emotional AND the physical connection, and just like you shouldn't say "The sex is great, so who cares if we're incompatible otherwise?" you shouldn't say "The emotional bond is great, so who cares if we're sexually incompatible?" The thing is, if not both of you, at least one of you WILL care.

You may be with someone who also thinks that sex is just sex, only to find out that once you've had sex for the first time, he likes it much better than you two thought he would and wants it all the time. Likewise, you may find out that your sexual appetite is much stronger than you thought it would be, while his isn't strong at all. Then there is a problem, because no matter how much you try to compromise or just think it shouldn't be like this, the incompatibility will remain an issue.

This isn't going to be the most romantic analogy, but think of it like this... You want to have a new car and you've found what you think is your dream car. All the reviews sound great. You don't even want to test drive it first, you're so sure that you'll love it, and whatever issues might arise, it's nothing that can get in the way of your love. Then you drive it off the lot and are... disappointed. You find out it's not comfortable enough, you don't like the handling, and so forth.

Now what? Are you going to go back to the dealer and say that you know you bought the car, but you want a different one anyway, because you can't stand this one? Are you going to try to talk yourself into liking it or simply force yourself to accept the fact that you don't like what you thought would be your dream car?

So wait for sex until you're ready, but be aware that if you wait all the way to your honeymoon, you might end up facing some compatibility issues that you won't both be able to ignore.

[collegegirl2010]

When I said sex is just sex, I didn't mean it in that way, I meant its not that hard to please someone you love. Because I like to compromise, thats also one of the traits I'm looking for in a man which will make it a little easier. Waiting til marriage is something that I truly want to wait for, its in my heart, I'd just face the consequences. Just like sex there are other things people don't worry about that may make their relationship die, like abuse. What if they are good in bed, but not so much of a nice person. It's so much easier for them to play nice and not seem abusive, than it is to pretend to be compatible in bed. That's a big issue to me.That's much bigger than worrying about something that you can actually work out/ compromise on like sex

[rcoreyus]

Certainly there are lots of things like abuse that can ruin a relationship. The thing is though that if you avoid the awful people out there, you will find there are a LOT of very nice men. They can be loving, caring, etc - but they still may not be right for you.

The problem is that you can learn a lot about someone by dating - see what they are interested in, sense of humour, temper, etc. You can eliminated the great majority of incompatible men. What you won't eliminate though are the ones who are sexually incompatible. What if it turns out that he is really into bondage and you find it disgusting? (or the other way around). What if he wants sex every day, and you like it once a week - or the other way around. Maybe he thinks that quick sex sunday evening before watching is favorite TV program is all he wants, and you want long massages with scented oils and candle light.

None of the above are wrong - but the are not compatible.

[JadedQueen]

What you have said about peer pressure is more than likely the reason. But, why do they tell me this, while they are still going out and having sex and bragging about it? Is it addictive? Not meaning to sound like an idiot or sound harsh or anything, just curious.

Well, if they had sex in the first place because they caved to peer pressure, or doing it so they fit in with all their friends that have done it and they don't want to be the only one that hasn't. Perhaps having sex makes them feel attractive, wanted, loved, desired etc... when basically they are very insecure. For these girls that are having sex and bragging about having sex are basically trying to tell themselves and the people they are bragging to... "I'm sexy, I'm hot cuz guys want to have sex with me", if they gave into peer pressure, they are desperately trying to fit in or please the person they are having sex with.
As far as addictive, not to contradict "sex addiction" or to say it doesn't exsist because there are people that are addicted to sex. I personally believe that addiction (to anything sex, drugs, alcohol, etc...) is a symptom of something lacking in the persons life and they use whatever it is they are addicted to, to comfort them (for example drugs and alcohol gives you a euphoria (puts a happy glow on the world and your problems don't exsist until you sober up) For a sex addict having a closeness with another person is often times the reason for the addiction. Often times they were neglected, abused (both sexually or nonsexually) growing up and having sex gives them something they are lacking. You asked is it addictive... I don't think a virgin would have sex for the first time and need/want to have it all the time (like somene addicted to a chemical substance) I'd have to say no the act of sex isn't addictive but the feelings that these girls get from having sex might be. Personally I think it's sad when you see these girls being permiscuous because if they are getting what they need it doesn't last very long and they are exposing them selves to possible STD's, unwanted pregnancies etc...

[collegegirl2010]

Certainly there are lots of things like abuse that can ruin a relationship. The thing is though that if you avoid the awful people out there, you will find there are a LOT of very nice men. They can be loving, caring, etc - but they still may not be right for you.

The problem is that you can learn a lot about someone by dating - see what they are interested in, sense of humour, temper, etc. You can eliminated the great majority of incompatible men. What you won't eliminate though are the ones who are sexually incompatible. What if it turns out that he is really into bondage and you find it disgusting? (or the other way around). What if he wants sex every day, and you like it once a week - or the other way around. Maybe he thinks that quick sex sunday evening before watching is favorite TV program is all he wants, and you want long massages with scented oils and candle light.

None of the above are wrong - but the are not compatible.

My thing is many people don't realize I have an abuse father, so its hard to avoid the awful people. I really don't know what to look for in a man, and how he should treat me and all that, because I've never really experienced that in my lifetime. My father is a very sexist man that always put women down, which really hurts me. That is why I feel so much stronger about looking for other qualities in men other than sexual compatiblity. I would much whether be with a man I can divorce if he isn't willing to make changes in our sexual life, than be with a man that abuses me in everyway and will possible threaten your life if you leave him. I just really want to wait til marriage. Ok, we may not be compatible in bed, but I'll try to work things out and if he isn't willing to put in the work then there is always divorce/separation as a choice. I don't want to loose my life to a man because I'm so hung up on us being sexual compatible, instead of looking at how he treats me.
And learning a lot about people doesn't always work. My dad is a prime example. My mom said he was completely different when they first met. I remember at about 5 years old he was really nice and seem as if he loved us(my mom, my sibling, and me), until I got a little older. He'd abuse us for crazy reasons, and he probably abused my brother the most. A lot of the times it takes a lot to truly learn a person's true colors.
And about him wanting stuff I don't like, I'm a compromiser. I will let him know I don't like it but that I'm willing to try it out. But I also want him to be able to try things out that I like too. If he doesn't want to do that, then we'll have a problem.

[collegegirl2010]

Well, if they had sex in the first place because they caved to peer pressure, or doing it so they fit in with all their friends that have done it and they don't want to be the only one that hasn't. Perhaps having sex makes them feel attractive, wanted, loved, desired etc... when basically they are very insecure. For these girls that are having sex and bragging about having sex are basically trying to tell themselves and the people they are bragging to... "I'm sexy, I'm hot cuz guys want to have sex with me", if they gave into peer pressure, they are desperately trying to fit in or please the person they are having sex with.
As far as addictive, not to contradict "sex addiction" or to say it doesn't exsist because there are people that are addicted to sex. I personally believe that addiction (to anything sex, drugs, alcohol, etc...) is a symptom of something lacking in the persons life and they use whatever it is they are addicted to, to comfort them (for example drugs and alcohol gives you a euphoria (puts a happy glow on the world and your problems don't exsist until you sober up) For a sex addict having a closeness with another person is often times the reason for the addiction. Often times they were neglected, abused (both sexually or nonsexually) growing up and having sex gives them something they are lacking. You asked is it addictive... I don't think a virgin would have sex for the first time and need/want to have it all the time (like somene addicted to a chemical substance) I'd have to say no the act of sex isn't addictive but the feelings that these girls get from having sex might be. Personally I think it's sad when you see these girls being permiscuous because if they are getting what they need it doesn't last very long and they are exposing them selves to possible STD's, unwanted pregnancies etc...

Thanks for your comment! I get it now...

[rcoreyus]

I'm sorry about how your father treated you. Most men are NOT like that, you don't need to compromise between someone who doesn't abuse you and someone who is compatible in bed.

You should not put up with any abuse - physical or verbal, in a relationship. Leave the very first time it happens. Always be sure you can leave a relationship if you want - make sure you can support yourself, and you have somewhere to go. You should be in a relationship because you want to, never because you feel you have no choice.

You should never compromise on the important things in a relationship: love, lack of abuse, trust, intimacy, financial stability. There are people who will provide all of those, if you provide them in return.

There are some things you can compromise on - different tastes in food, entertainment, hobbies, sports, travel ideas, pets, etc. There will always be some of this type of compromise in a relationship, and that is fine - no on is an absolutely perfect match.

One way to help avoid abusive people is to be and act self reliant. Make it clear to men that you are dating them because you WANT to date them, not because you NEED them in some way. Make it clear that you are completely capable of taking care of yourself - though it is fine if they want to do things for you just to be nice. Make sure that it is a equal relationship - you do as much for them as they do for you - don't put yourself in a position of "debt" to someone . If someone start to behave in an abusive way, leave.

Just as an example, I've been married 25 years. I've never hit my wife. I've yelled at her exactly once - and that was after she yelled at me for something (and that still was a mistake). I've never insulted her, belittled her, or told her she owed me anything.

All that said, it is absolutely fine for you to wait for marriage if you want - that is your choice. I just want to be sure you know the possible downsides of doing that.

My thing is many people don't realize I have an abuse father, so its hard to avoid the awful people. I really don't know what to look for in a man, and how he should treat me and all that, because I've never really experienced that in my lifetime. My father is a very sexist man that always put women down, which really hurts me. That is why I feel so much stronger about looking for other qualities in men other than sexual compatiblity. I would much whether be with a man I can divorce if he isn't willing to make changes in our sexual life, than be with a man that abuses me in everyway and will possible threaten your life if you leave him. I just really want to wait til marriage. Ok, we may not be compatible in bed, but I'll try to work things out and if he isn't willing to put in the work then there is always divorce/separation as a choice. I don't want to loose my life to a man because I'm so hung up on us being sexual compatible, instead of looking at how he treats me.
And learning a lot about people doesn't always work. My dad is a prime example. My mom said he was completely different when they first met. I remember at about 5 years old he was really nice and seem as if he loved us(my mom, my sibling, and me), until I got a little older. He'd abuse us for crazy reasons, and he probably abused my brother the most. A lot of the times it takes a lot to truly learn a person's true colors.
And about him wanting stuff I don't like, I'm a compromiser. I will let him know I don't like it but that I'm willing to try it out. But I also want him to be able to try things out that I like too. If he doesn't want to do that, then we'll have a problem.

[Texinator]

I don't want to loose my life to a man because I'm so hung up on us being sexual compatible, instead of looking at how he treats me.

It doesn't have to be that you focus either on the personality or on the sex. You can do both:

If he treats you well, then you can look at the sexual compatibility. If the sexual compatibility is there, then you can think about marriage.

If he treats you well, you look at the sexual compatibility but it is not there, forget about marriage and move on.

If he doesn't treat you well, forget about the sex move on.