[collegegirl2010]

It doesn't have to be that you focus either on the personality or on the sex. You can do both:

If he treats you well, then you can look at the sexual compatibility. If the sexual compatibility is there, then you can think about marriage.

If he treats you well, you look at the sexual compatibility but it is not there, forget about marriage and move on.

If he doesn't treat you well, forget about the sex move on.

I've also learned that many men don't respect women for that reason, sex before they even get married. Not saying all are like that, but many are.Yes he may treat me well, that is to get what he wants, but what if we have sex to see if we are "compatible" and he forgets all about me and move on while I'm heartbroken? And I don't want to have sex just to see if we are compatible, because I will only feel guilty and feel that its only right to actually wait til marriage. I don't feel that I'll actually be ready until I'm married. That's just my personal opinion. Not saying what others are doing is wrong, I just don't think that's the best decision for me. People may think I'm wierd or something is wrong with me for not wanting sex til marriage, but I'm not really looking to impress anyone, only to make myself happy and feel good. I feel that many people really don't truly understand me, and how things go on in my head. I feel misunderstood and wierd, lol.

[collegegirl2010]

I'm sorry about how your father treated you. Most men are NOT like that, you don't need to compromise between someone who doesn't abuse you and someone who is compatible in bed.

You should not put up with any abuse - physical or verbal, in a relationship. Leave the very first time it happens. Always be sure you can leave a relationship if you want - make sure you can support yourself, and you have somewhere to go. You should be in a relationship because you want to, never because you feel you have no choice.

You should never compromise on the important things in a relationship: love, lack of abuse, trust, intimacy, financial stability. There are people who will provide all of those, if you provide them in return.

There are some things you can compromise on - different tastes in food, entertainment, hobbies, sports, travel ideas, pets, etc. There will always be some of this type of compromise in a relationship, and that is fine - no on is an absolutely perfect match.

One way to help avoid abusive people is to be and act self reliant. Make it clear to men that you are dating them because you WANT to date them, not because you NEED them in some way. Make it clear that you are completely capable of taking care of yourself - though it is fine if they want to do things for you just to be nice. Make sure that it is a equal relationship - you do as much for them as they do for you - don't put yourself in a position of "debt" to someone . If someone start to behave in an abusive way, leave.

Just as an example, I've been married 25 years. I've never hit my wife. I've yelled at her exactly once - and that was after she yelled at me for something (and that still was a mistake). I've never insulted her, belittled her, or told her she owed me anything.

All that said, it is absolutely fine for you to wait for marriage if you want - that is your choice. I just want to be sure you know the possible downsides of doing that.

Thanks, I love your comment, it sounds very sincere. And yes I do know there are some downsides to it, I just for some reason feel its the best choice for me. Yes, I agree sexual compatiblity is important but I feel I'd be much happier if I marry then if things don't work out we divorce. But if I have sex before marriage, I would feel really bad about it, and will never be able to forgive myself and let it go. You see what I'm saying? That would be my reason for waiting on sex. There were so many times guys tried to use me, so that's another reason. I may seem wierd or like something is wrong with me to others, but I know what will make me happy and comfortable.

[Texinator]

I feel misunderstood and wierd, lol.

You aren't weird. There are other people who think just as you do. That's perfectly fine; like I said, you should have sex when you really feel like it, and not based on what anyone else tells you. It's just that we're trying to point out some of the potential pitfalls of waiting until marriage to have sex.

[allspice]

You're right, you should wait until you're ready, whenever that might be. Having said that, I wanted to comment...



Ah, but it's not "just" sex. It's easy not to crave good sex if you've never had it before and you don't really know what you're missing, but once you're sexually active and have felt first hand the power of sex and especially good sex, it becomes much more difficult to dismiss.

Some people then still try to guilt themselves into thinking that sex is just sex and that they're "dirty," "inappropriate," "oversexed," or whatever, for wanting to have good sex, and while they might make a good effort trying to suppress their sexual appetite, they can't just think it away.



There are plenty of factors that go into making a relationship work or not work. Sex is just one of them, but it is nevertheless an important part. It's about the emotional AND the physical connection, and just like you shouldn't say "The sex is great, so who cares if we're incompatible otherwise?" you shouldn't say "The emotional bond is great, so who cares if we're sexually incompatible?" The thing is, if not both of you, at least one of you WILL care.

You may be with someone who also thinks that sex is just sex, only to find out that once you've had sex for the first time, he likes it much better than you two thought he would and wants it all the time. Likewise, you may find out that your sexual appetite is much stronger than you thought it would be, while his isn't strong at all. Then there is a problem, because no matter how much you try to compromise or just think it shouldn't be like this, the incompatibility will remain an issue.

This isn't going to be the most romantic analogy, but think of it like this... You want to have a new car and you've found what you think is your dream car. All the reviews sound great. You don't even want to test drive it first, you're so sure that you'll love it, and whatever issues might arise, it's nothing that can get in the way of your love. Then you drive it off the lot and are... disappointed. You find out it's not comfortable enough, you don't like the handling, and so forth.

Now what? Are you going to go back to the dealer and say that you know you bought the car, but you want a different one anyway, because you can't stand this one? Are you going to try to talk yourself into liking it or simply force yourself to accept the fact that you don't like what you thought would be your dream car?

So wait for sex until you're ready, but be aware that if you wait all the way to your honeymoon, you might end up facing some compatibility issues that you won't both be able to ignore.

This is a really great post! Sums up my thoughts exactly and a great example too!

Sex isnt all that important to me in a relationship but it is very much so to my husband, its how he feels love, how he shows love. So if it didnt work between us I dont think our relationship would work as a whole.

Some people also just arent physically compatable and yes shoot me but I am going to mention size here, I am not keen on being played with either tongue or hands so its essential to me that my man have the right tool for the job. Having the wrong tool isnt something that can be worked at fixing, unless you really want to go deep into things like surgery.

[rcoreyus]

Sex is unique in relationships because (in almost all cases) people are only allowed to have sex with their spouses. That means that you and your spouse have sex the same number of times, and the same way. Imagine if food were treated like this, if you needed to eat exactly the same foods in the same amount as your spouse. If you like spicy Thai food and they don't - too bad. If you are very active and eat a lot - well either you are always hungry, or they have to eat until they feel ill and get fat. If they really like sushi, and you think its disgusting - then either you are depriving them of their favorite food, or you have to eat something you think is gross. Wouldn't it make sense to have dinner with your future life time partner a few times before getting married?

I wish morality were different - I think that if having sex outside of a relationship were considered OK, there would be a lot fewer unhappy couples out there.

[WildChild]

I wish morality were different -

So what is moral about being miserable, tied to someone incompatible for life?
"Morality" of this type is a human invention sometimes brutally enforced. I don't see anything "moral" about being unhappy, sexually frustrated, and lacking joy in your life.
But to each their own.

[collegegirl2010]

Sex is unique in relationships because (in almost all cases) people are only allowed to have sex with their spouses. That means that you and your spouse have sex the same number of times, and the same way. Imagine if food were treated like this, if you needed to eat exactly the same foods in the same amount as your spouse. If you like spicy Thai food and they don't - too bad. If you are very active and eat a lot - well either you are always hungry, or they have to eat until they feel ill and get fat. If they really like sushi, and you think its disgusting - then either you are depriving them of their favorite food, or you have to eat something you think is gross. Wouldn't it make sense to have dinner with your future life time partner a few times before getting married?

I wish morality were different - I think that if having sex outside of a relationship were considered OK, there would be a lot fewer unhappy couples out there.

Just from the way I see it, I'm not waiting til marriage because people say that's the way you should do it. I'm doing it because I want to. I'm not 100% sure I won't have sex before I'm married but I don't want to do it just see if we are compatible, I want to do it because I love him and he loves me.

[collegegirl2010]

You aren't weird. There are other people who think just as you do. That's perfectly fine; like I said, you should have sex when you really feel like it, and not based on what anyone else tells you. It's just that we're trying to point out some of the potential pitfalls of waiting until marriage to have sex.

I know you all are trying to help...Just wanted to let you guys know that the way I feel right now is that I'm not going to be ready until I'm marriage. Not to big on divorce but if I'm not happy sexually or any other way I'll get a divorce. I mean I know how to get out of bad situations, don't want to experience the same thing my parents are.

[kristalyn_04]

Just from the way I see it, I'm not waiting til marriage because people say that's the way you should do it. I'm doing it because I want to. I'm not 100% sure I won't have sex before I'm married but I don't want to do it just see if we are compatible, I want to do it because I love him and he loves me.

Why couldn't you do it for both reasons? Typically you fall in love before you get married anyway. And I think you'll find out, once you do have sex for the first time, that it is a very important part of a long-term relationship. If you find out you're not compatible, the relationship most likely won't last. Divorce is expensive, and can get ugly. Just saying.

[collegegirl2010]

This is a really great post! Sums up my thoughts exactly and a great example too!

Sex isnt all that important to me in a relationship but it is very much so to my husband, its how he feels love, how he shows love. So if it didnt work between us I dont think our relationship would work as a whole.

Some people also just arent physically compatable and yes shoot me but I am going to mention size here, I am not keen on being played with either tongue or hands so its essential to me that my man have the right tool for the job. Having the wrong tool isnt something that can be worked at fixing, unless you really want to go deep into things like surgery.

I understand what you all are saying but I feel like no one is getting my point. Not saying I'm completely sure I'll wait til marriage but right now thats how I feel. I feel that I won't be ready until I am married. And because its not that hard to please me, I know how to make the best of things because I realized somethings you want out of a relationship aren't meant to be. Not that it isn't realistic, just isn't meant to have. Ever heard the saying "You can't get everything you want." That's the way I look at it. Though there may be so many things each of us like, neither of us are going to get everything we want. I think that if he makes me happy overall(including sex, even if it isn't how I imagine it), then our marriage is going well. And I think it's impossible to find someone to find the EXACT same interest as you. May have some of the same interest but not everything. In my opinion, I think I can deal with my husband having the same interest as me as well as someone with different interest. I think if you go into a relationship not expecting too much, then you'd be better off. I have to be honest and say women are a lot more picky than men, which is why we are often let down. We expect too much, plain and simple. Yes my father is abuse and doesn't do all he should, but its not just him alone, its my mother too. A lot of times my mother expect too much out of him and us as her children. Because she expects so much, my father does nothing she wants. The less she gets on his back about things the more he does for us, but the more she gets on his back the less he does for us. Not saying I'm not too picky at times, but I'm practicing not to be so picky but still express what I like at the same time. You see what I mean?