[Nika Pai?]

I have read several threads about women having the same issues as me. But please hear me out.

First, I know and understand that porn & masturbation is common and normal specially for men. Thing is - there is a HUGE difference when a woman KNOWS his man is maturating sometimes, compared to SEEING (caught in the act) his man masturbating over porn and magazines.

Its so different when at the back of your mind you JUST know your man may be masturbating at time rather than catching him doing the deed when you are just in the same room as he is. It's inevitably offending for women, when they can easily ask us to make love with them rather than jacking off like sick dog in front of the computer. And this is what I do not get at all.

Our sex life isn't that active although I am always game when he wants to do it. One day, I caught my boyfriend doing this in front of the computer, pants down. I was half asleep when I heard the chair funny sounds so I opened my eyes and saw him watching porn. I asked him what he was doing, and he denied everything.

Now I feel that I am slowly drifting away from him. It has affected me so much that there are times, I cannot even look at him. Its like I am so hurt that he prefers to masturbate than make love with me. He prefers to do it by himself that improve our dying sex life and this has made me look at him differently.

What should I do?

[WildChild]

Please do a search. We have done this to death.
YES it is a problem.
Masterbating is perfectly healthy for women and men until and unless it affects the quality and quantity of sex and connection within the relationship.

You really only have a few options. You can talk to him about this calmly and rationally and try to get him to see what this is doing to your relationship. You need to make it clear that masterbation or porn persay is not the problem, it is his misuse of it and shutting you out emotionally and sexually. Or you can leave and find a man who actually wants to be in a relationship with a real woman. Alternatively you could wack him up side the head with a frying pan and ask him (and yourself) what kind of man perfers his hand to a willing woman who loves him.

I tried to deal with this for well over two years and finally had to say good bye. I wish him and Rosie well and hope they are happy together. Since then I've started seeing a man who actually wants to be with me a real live woman who loves sex. He doesn't have internet and turns down going to strip club with his buddy to have the real thing. Fancy that!? A man who actually likes real sex and who wants to do what ever he can for me to enjoy it. Who'da thought? They aren't mythological, they really exist! If you keep your eyes open, you just might find one...

[Guest]

I was going to "chime in" with my own comments, even had a quote of yours ready to copy then paste, then I realized, after reading WC's comments that it would be redundant.

As she so often does, she NAILED IT !!

From this man's perspective.

P.S. Notice....no mention of porn being "normal" only masturbation. Until such time as it interferes with your relationship.

I've never been a big masturbator and have little interest in porn myself.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If you can't fathom what you see in the back of your mind, everytime you look at him...

If he can't communicate,denies.

If he can't compromise and discuss.

Then there is no relationship, regardless of what the topic is.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

If you can't fathom what you see in the back of your mind, everytime you look at him...

If he can't communicate,denies.

If he can't compromise and discuss.

Then there is no relationship, regardless of what the topic is.

CW

Beautifully well put miss C-dub.

To the Op, this is less about porn and masturbation and more about the fact he isn't concerned with YOUR sexual needs, your desire to feel wanted, craved, special..... and satisfied. You want to have more intimacy with him, and he obviously has the drive for sexual release , he's just wasting his energy on himself rather than sharing it with you... which is an act of selfishness, and not one that is in anyway good for the relationship.

It would be different if you didn't want sex and he turned to self time, but when you are wanting him and he refuses to share himself with you... there is a problem with the intimacy and that is what you need to address with him. If you go after the porn and masturbation all he is going to think is you are just trying to control him etc... he wont see the wedge he is driving in your sexual relationship with him unless you point that out to him.

Also , you mention being sexually available to him... but do you also inniciate? Have you said... in actual words... to him.. that you want him? That you want him more often? Could it be that he thinks he's doing you a favor by not bothering you for sex? If so you need to communicate with him, and share what you want etc.

You deserve to be made love to the way that you want, and so does he... so make sure that you are willing to compromise the time of day you do it, the type of sex you have... if its always having to be romantic, shake it up and have hot dirty quickies on the living room floor etc... exchanging oral sex instead of intercourse sometimes... etc..

[mistyL]

I myself was having a similar problem...not so much the porn but we didn't have sex for about 3.5 months. I tried talking about it with him and it didn't work.

A couple of weeks ago i flat out plain and simple said "Can we please have sex tonight?" and it changed everything. He has since then started initiating sex, and it made our communication better. He told me that he thought i didn't enjoy having sex with him etc.

What i am trying to say is i totally agree with hopeless dork. Sometimes you just have to come right out and say it. I understand it can be really nerve wrecking to initiate things sometimes but atleast if you say Lets have sex tonight and he doesn't go for it, then you know that he does not deserve you and its time to move on.

[LilahX]

Totally agree that if there is no scope for intelligent, non-judgemental discussion there is no relationship.

Have you thought about asking to share his fascination with porn with you? You won't be able to do anything about changing his attraction to porn altho he may eventually grow out of it to a degree. Many guys find it hot if their partner enjoys porn. Don't see it as something he prefers over you, its perfectly normal to be aroused by things outside your own relationship - however its not good if this is something he wants to keep to himself or which takes over from sex with you.

It may be cliche and somethikng women don't want to hear but men do want a lot of sex and its not always compatible with their partner's desires. Count yourself lucky that he's taking care of his needs at home with a fantasy woman rather than seeking one out for real.

[WildChild]

Lilah I suggest you check out the site "your brain on porn". It is enlightening and is just one of a growing body of information on what this mental "drug" does to those who fall into addictive behavior with it. It isn't a matter of "sharing" it, in many cases it becomes a consuming compulsive behavior. I've dealt with it, tried the 'sharing', tried acting it out with him, tried talking and believe me there aren't many men who can match my sex drive. It is no comfort that he is at home if he isn't ever really 'with' you.

It is one thing to be just flat out opposed to porn in any way shape or form, it is quite another to deal with someone (usually male) who is consumed with it. They literally lose interest in touching or interacting with a real woman. When he is masturbating to porn daily, maybe several times a day and there is no sex or the only sex he ever wants is a bj or hj, there is a serious problem. On the rare occasions when they throw you a bone (pun intended) there will be probably no foreplay, no kissing, no intimacy with it, they won't look at their partner, they treat her like a woman on the screen, she is a masturbation tool. If you haven't experienced this it may be hard to understand. I think it is far more damaging than having a partner who is having an affair, at least then they are still connected to the world of real people.

[Caregirl]

You make it sound like masturbation is escapism from real life intimacy.

[WildChild]

You make it sound like masturbation is escapism from real life intimacy.

In many cases it is.