[Tod121]

"This is not touch here + kiss now = sex You have look at this as a long term project, you don't build the roof and then hoist it up one side at a time to build the walls. You have the foundation, that is your marriage and family but the intimate relationship needs constant maintenance. If you look at your relationship like a house, if it needs exterior painting you could just start slapping paint on the sides but if you want it last and really look good, you will examine it and scrape the areas that are peeling. You will use caulking to seal it where there are gaps, you may replace a few boards here and there, or have to rip out a whole section that didn't hold up and replace it. Then you will prime it and then after the primer is dry you will paint. If you cut corners or skip steps you may regret it later. Now sometimes you just have a disaster house and need to get out of it but often times it's just that people get into the habit of the quick fix and defer doing the full job then they need a good contractor (relationship counselor). Try to think of this as doing the job right? That takes some time."

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I just wanted to point out that I dont expect 1 touch + kiss = sex! BUT a possitive approach and a loving touch doesnt deserve to be snubbed

[WildChild]

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I just wanted to point out that I dont expect 1 touch + kiss = sex! BUT a possitive approach and a loving touch doesnt deserve to be snubbed

Your idea of positive may not be hers. If you are trying to correct a long standing or long developing problem, it many well take time. When you are dealing with your interaction with another person, all you can control is you. If they don't respond you have the options of trying to continue with what isn't working or doing something different. Doing what YOU would respond to does not mean they will respond in the same way. I've been pushing this little video a lot lately but sums it up so nicely. Do a search for Amanda Gore, Why Women Are Different From Men. After you get done laughing, give what she demonstrates some thought?

[oxy-moron]

. I say at the moment because my wife will lapse into a routine (every morning at least!) of shouting and loosing it with the kids and then with me. I often agree with what she is shouting at them about but cant stand her screaming at them at the top of her voice, she doesnt enjoy it, none of us do and we all end up getting out of the house as quickly as possible often with slammed doors, etc. I would say this is one of the key factures which causes great tension in the house. She will tell me to tell them off or hurry them up but I do, with out loosing it but this isnt enough for her, she seems to want me to shout and scream as well, which I will if really pushed but then I am on the war-path and in a ****ty mood when I get to work.

Our wives sound like they might be sisters- one of the reasons I started researching human bonding in the first place was her diminishing connection with the children.
She was spending more time yelling at them than anything else.
Perhaps the most visible change in things now is in the way she bonds with the children. Keep working on it.

[Tod121]

Your idea of positive may not be hers. If you are trying to correct a long standing or long developing problem, it many well take time. When you are dealing with your interaction with another person, all you can control is you. If they don't respond you have the options of trying to continue with what isn't working or doing something different. Doing what YOU would respond to does not mean they will respond in the same way. I've been pushing this little video a lot lately but sums it up so nicely. Do a search for Amanda Gore, Why Women Are Different From Men. After you get done laughing, give what she demonstrates some thought?

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Slightly off-track here. What I am getting at is that a passing, non-sexual touch such as a quick massage or hug that has been previously suggested by others here and has been welcomed by my wife at other times can also be physically shrugged off and frowned upon, which is disappointing when you detect someone you love is stressed out and you want them to feel wanted and loved. I guess it all comes back to reading the signs, backing off when need be and trying again later (it all takes time). Like I have said previously it does seem to be working anyway.

[Tod121]

HD, thank you for addressing the low self esteem side of things, makes perfect sense, just hope my lady will think along the same lines as you do. What about the times when a man compliments his wife and she rejects these compliments, would this then tie in with WC and Oxy's suggestions about buidling up these comments and non-sexual touches to build a stronger bond. I have been making a greater effort and focusing on her and not so much with doing things around the house to help her and I have felt we are much happier at the moment, more smiles and much closer in general (also, sex 3 times in 4 weeks! A big improvement and still very promising for the days to come ) I came home from a crappy day at work yesterday, she asked me how the day went, I started to find the words to moan but she hugged and kissed me, instantly lifting my mood and I said it didnt matter now, I was home and happy again and didnt feel the need to winge! So we are lifting each other and really clicking at the moment. I say at the moment because my wife will lapse into a routine (every morning at least!) of shouting and loosing it with the kids and then with me. I often agree with what she is shouting at them about but cant stand her screaming at them at the top of her voice, she doesnt enjoy it, none of us do and we all end up getting out of the house as quickly as possible often with slammed doors, etc. I would say this is one of the key factures which causes great tension in the house. She will tell me to tell them off or hurry them up but I do, with out loosing it but this isnt enough for her, she seems to want me to shout and scream as well, which I will if really pushed but then I am on the war-path and in a ****ty mood when I get to work.

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Just a naughty update, forget 3 times in 4 weeks, its now 3 times in 1 week and the weeks not over yet, what is she doing it me, LOL. Compared to say 6-8 weeks ago, she has gone from grumpy and unattentive to to a raging nypho. Surely this change is not just down to those little extra kisses in the morning? I have found out that she has ordered new lingerie and a naughty book too !! The shouting at the kids has dropped off a bit too, hasnt been as bad for the last few days!

[oxy-moron]

Just remember- you have to keep it up- don't stop doing your half of the human mating dance.

[WildChild]

Glad to hear you are seeing some changes!
Funny what feeling like you are loved and cared about can do for a woman or a man. Consistency, showing her that you care about HER and not just sex. Sex is certainly a good way to show love, when everything else is in line.
When Oxy first posted about oxytocin I admit I was a bit skeptical of some of what he said, but I did some research and realized that what he was talking about was essentially the same thing I have recommended many times. He and I are very much on the same page regarding the importance of non sexual touch. I'm not really on board with the Coolidge effect though. Humans have some significant differences from virtually all other mammals, aside from the Bonobo. That mainly being that we do not have to be in heat to want sex.

Oxy, I wish I could offer some ideas to help bump things up with your wife. Children are young for such a brief time and personally I think it is important to make that time one of exploration, learning, love and fun. I never had much materially but always found ways to make learning and growing fun for my kids and often that was just my own hyper enthusiasm. At 20 and 17, they have their moments but for the most part they are easy to get along with (aside from shoveling out their rooms) intelligent and pretty well adjusted. All I can say is BE there for your children, show them the joy in even simplest things, a magnifying glass and a flower can equal a total state of wonder and awe. Don't give up.

[oxy-moron]

WildChild- There was no shortage of loving attention from her to the children when they were young. It was when they were older that things got rough. What I have noticed is that If I give her lots of Oxytocin building touch it actually flows onto the children through her. Which makes me think I wasnt doing enough in the first place.
I dont think we are like Bonobos- they dont mate for life. We are like Cotton Top Tamarins. Like us they have more Oxytocin receptors in the brain.
Researchers have noted that in happy mated pairs the Male gives lots of touch and cuddle time and gets more sex in return.

[WildChild]

Researchers have noted that in happy mated pairs the Male gives lots of touch and cuddle time and gets more sex in return.

That works with me. LOL
Being touched and cuddled makes me happy and if I'm happy, I'm horny.

[Tod121]

Glad to hear you are seeing some changes!
Funny what feeling like you are loved and cared about can do for a woman or a man. Consistency, showing her that you care about HER and not just sex. Sex is certainly a good way to show love, when everything else is in line.
When Oxy first posted about oxytocin I admit I was a bit skeptical of some of what he said, but I did some research and realized that what he was talking about was essentially the same thing I have recommended many times. He and I are very much on the same page regarding the importance of non sexual touch. I'm not really on board with the Coolidge effect though. Humans have some significant differences from virtually all other mammals, aside from the Bonobo. That mainly being that we do not have to be in heat to want sex.

Oxy, I wish I could offer some ideas to help bump things up with your wife. Children are young for such a brief time and personally I think it is important to make that time one of exploration, learning, love and fun. I never had much materially but always found ways to make learning and growing fun for my kids and often that was just my own hyper enthusiasm. At 20 and 17, they have their moments but for the most part they are easy to get along with (aside from shoveling out their rooms) intelligent and pretty well adjusted. All I can say is BE there for your children, show them the joy in even simplest things, a magnifying glass and a flower can equal a total state of wonder and awe. Don't give up.

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Oh dear, I thought things wouldnt last like this for long, We had incredible sex, just like before we had kids, about 6 times in 1 week, that was pretty much 3 months worth of sex packed into a week, so all that being nice really paid off. The problem is that I was very happy and willing to cool things down a bit, so there was NO presure from either of us to stop, it happend naturally, I was getting exhausted and sore ;-) but a days gap is now turning into a week; BUT I dont feel I have let up on my attentiveness but instead of being greated at the door with big hugs and a sexy kiss, its now like I havent even walked through the door. I break the ice by saying hi and how was your day and to give her a kiss, she says fine and I get a very brief peck on the lips with no touching of the hands or embrace. All fair enough maybe but we have gone from a mental week long sex session to back to being cold and detached in a blink of an eye. I feel very disappointed we have dropped back to the routine of not saying much and no sensual intamacy.