[waya]

I'm not sure what assumption you're referring to. I am from the South where gender roles are still pretty well defined. So this is a mentality I've seen a lot of. Do you mean I think most masculine characteristics only exist because society puts them there? That's not what I think. Men have a very different way of thinking and acting than women and that's natural. I was trying to say that sometimes people don't want to allow men to be anything more than that. ie big macho men aren't supposed to have to deal with pesky emotions, those are for women lol

[Guest]

All good stuff girls and guys. GoodGuy has some interesting thoughts. A lot I, and a lot of men, could relate to. It's just so sad when only one partner wants sex when it's clear that the love between the two is strong. As usual, Wildchild and Hopeless Dork have good remarks as well. I think the lady should make up her mind whether she wants to try to have sex, or risk losing her man if she stubbornly refuses.

[mew86]

Its kind of funny how people fall in love and marry each other knowing one thing and thinking that magically it will change. If your husband was inexperienced or at least acted that way sexually he isn't going to change especially now after you are married and he is 100% comfortable with you. He has already gained weight and stopped shaving so obviously he isn't worried that you will leave him and probably trusts you to love him 100% no matter what. You need to make him understand that his lack of attention to you and your needs are jeopardizing your urge to be with him sexually. I wouldn't say it exactly like that because most men and myself to some point have egos when it comes to sexual performance.

This may happen a lot, but it's not how things worked out for me. My husband and I have been married for 2 years. Our sex life was amazing prior to marriage, but everything has changed. He has gained weight & let himself go, but this only happened recently. Our troubles in bed happened within a month or so before our wedding. I love him, and I want to fix this....but I don't even know where to start. I feel like I wouldn't be bothered by never having sex - I simply don't want to do it. I feel like something has to be broken with me. Why don't I want to have sex?! I love cuddling, but the moment it hints at turning sexual I FREAK out. Intimacy is important to a marriage...and I feel really bad because my SO feels rejected.

[wman]

This may happen a lot, but it's not how things worked out for me. My husband and I have been married for 2 years. Our sex life was amazing prior to marriage, but everything has changed. He has gained weight & let himself go, but this only happened recently. Our troubles in bed happened within a month or so before our wedding. I love him, and I want to fix this....but I don't even know where to start. I feel like I wouldn't be bothered by never having sex - I simply don't want to do it. I feel like something has to be broken with me. Why don't I want to have sex?! I love cuddling, but the moment it hints at turning sexual I FREAK out. Intimacy is important to a marriage...and I feel really bad because my SO feels rejected.

Hello, I have been following this thread for a while with interest as I have been in a simular position but from the other side...I'm a man. We've been married for nearly 2 years. My wife had become completely uninterested in sex and would only be intimate the absolute minimum amount that she could get away with. We had lots of serious arguments about it and it seemed that she just wasn't that bothered about fixing the very obvious lack of sex that we were having (1-2 times a month was about the norm, but often worse). I would try different things to get her in the mood but nothing worked in general, other than maybe a lucky day every now and again, and even then her heart wasn't really in it. I would try to talk to her about it, but that got us absolutely no where, just arguments.

Now things have completley changed, we're having sex more often, 2-3 times a week, somethimes more. She's happier now, and I certainly am. There's less arguments (about sex and everything else).

So how did I change her to be interested in me again and interested in sex again? From seeing me as somebody who she loved but perstered her for sex when she didn't want it (which was always), to somebody who she wanted to have sex with (she even initiates sometimes, she never used to!). How did I change her?

Here's the irony, I didn't change her....I changed myself; the way I behave towards her and this in turn has changed the way she behaves towards me.

Nothing huge, I'm not a completely different person, I just do some small things slightly differently, but this has had a massive effect on how she sees me. I see it everyday now in the way she is towards me. The amazing thing is, she doesn't even know how I'm acting differently towards her; but I'm sure that she realises that her labido is increasing as is her desire for me.

So how am I acting differently to how I used to?

I came across a book called "The Married Man's Sex Primer". It is easily the most important and influential thing I have ever read, and probably the most important book that my wife hasn't read! It's not a sex manual, it doesn't go on about sex positions or techniques or anything like that. It simply shows a husband how to act differenly to change his wife's sexual behavour towards himself. It is very powerful. Its been about four months now since I have started these changes and I'll never look back. My wife is like a different woman! (it may take longer than four months though, supposidly it can take up to two years, but the changes in our relationship have been far quicker.) Everyman should be given a copy when he gets married!

I suggest that you get him a copy (you can download it). Don't read it yourself, that would defeat the purpose, you may not like some of things it says (its a bit political incorrect and meant for mesn eyes). But tell him to read it all and see what he thinks. If he wants to change and puts into practice the things that it recomends I'm sure yourself and himself will be a lot happier, in the sack and out of it.

But here's the thing, he's going to have to want to change to be able to change the way you see him. If he doesn't want to, well I'm out of ideas. All I know is that this has worked for me, and therefore my wife, and I am VERY greatful I came across it.

It has some very concrete things that he can do and not do, which will help change the way you see him (sexually) for the better.

I'm no relationship expert, or woman expert. But I do know that this has worked for me, and god knows where we would have been a few years from now if I hadn't stumbled upon it. I don't know how your husband would feel about you giving him a book about relationships to read, but if you did decide to give it a try, you could maybe say a girl friends' husband recommend it, or something like that, I don't know. Give it a go, but remember, he's going to have to want to put in the effort to change for you, and for himself, it's down to him to get you feeling for him again, only he can do that.

I hope I haven't rambled there too much, good luck.

[Simplelibra]

Ohhhhhh what should I do?? I wish I could just leave him but I can't we got kids , home together. I hate his needy look and I'm fedup of dining sympathy sex. I have never been able to push myself to be attracted towards him... Hate everything ..so confuse this will push me to have an affair

[Obelisk]

I, being a man who regularly works out and keeps fit, find it ridiculous how most men think they can sit at home and develop a beer gut and stop grooming simply because they married their woman.

Women are not as visual as men, but that doesn't mean they aren't visual. I bet if most men worked hard to keep fit and good looking, their wives would be tripping over themselves to sleep with them. Do you ladies agree?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ohhhhhh what should I do?? I wish I could just leave him but I can't we got kids , home together. I hate his needy look and I'm fedup of dining sympathy sex. I have never been able to push myself to be attracted towards him... Hate everything ..so confuse this will push me to have an affair

Were you attracted to him before you got married, or had children together?

[jns]

Why did you marry him?

[Lady Syrinx]

I`ve always thought my husband was hyper-vigilant about satisfying me. After reading this thread I no longer think it`s hyper-vigilance, it`s just him trying to best lover he can be. These men seem to be selfish, at least in bed. It seems like they`re just in to getting what they need. Not asking "What can I do to make it good for her too?" And the women are just accepting it.

[PhrendlyPhil]

Men can be responsive but they need specifics. Start off by pleasing yourself while he watches (men love to watch). Give him a detailed narrative while you are doing it - what areas, what strokes, what pressure, what speed pleases you. Then, you watch him please himself. Give him verbal encouragement (men love this) and tell him that you love him. You need to be playful, act amused, take your time, and lower your expectations. I am married 25 years and my wife and I are still learning new ways to please each other. It's a life-long work.