[Schroeder]

My girlfriend has told me about times that she was really turned on by a situation that did not involve me. She said she had to leave because her sexual excitement was so strong.

All my life I believed that jealous guys were losers and abusers. Being a loving man who wants his woman to be satisfied, it would please me for her to have experiences that excite and thrill her, and if it's being with someone else, the idea of her getting off gets me off.

But to my surprise, when I told her this, rather than saying "wow I have the best boyfriend ever", she was actually upset, and could only conclude that I don't really love her.

I don't equate love with jealousy, and in fact I think this proves my love is unconditional. To me, requiring someone to be faithful is actually selfishness and shows the person cares more about themselves than the person they supposedly love.

Am I way off here?

[waya]

A lot of women's minds (including mine...possibly) would work this way. Look at it this way, in a lot of romance novels and movies and such the male protagonist is just a tad possessive, which is romantic. Contrast that with my ex who was never jealous because he 'knew he had me, so why worry.' That bit of possessiveness makes us feel valued. Also, many women cannot separate emotions from physical intimacy. Do you want her possibly allowing another man into her heart?

[Schroeder]

It's just hard for me to get. She considers herself a major feminist. And I bought into the the feminist mantra "you don't own me" back in my pre-teen days. So I have a hard time understanding why she wants to be owned.

This is actually really messing with my head. Because I am starting to resent that she just takes for granted that I would/should be faithful to her, rather than seeing it as a gift that I am giving her.

And another angle, since I started thinking of her being with other men, the thought is actually extremely erotic to me. But I am realizing that in order to be with her I basically have to bury the intensity of this thought.

I probably sound like a lunatic now. I am wondering if I should just be with a woman who sees things the same way as me.

[waya]

It has nothing to do with owning, I said 'value.' Two totally different things.

If you don't feel being faithful is something you 'should' do in a committed relationship then yes it might be best to move on. I don't see that being easily reconciled.

[Schroeder]

I just don't like it being taken for granted.
I think I need to think about this some more.

I'm starting to understand why some gentlemen prefer gentlemen.

Thank-you for your comments.

[Texinator]

Jealousy isn't a sign of love, it's a sign of insecurity. A jealous man doesn't necessarily love his woman, he's just afraid of losing out to another man.

[Schroeder]

Jealousy isn't a sign of love, it's a sign of insecurity. A jealous man doesn't necessarily love his woman, he's just afraid of losing out to another man.

Exactly.

So the problem is:
She has in me a boyfriend who is not jealous, and does not appreciate that.
I have a girlfriend who is jealous, and believes that is normal and proper. I view it as immature. (But she thinks that I am different from normal people).

[waya]

If you notice I wasn't using the word jealousy much. I was saying slightly possessive, different connotations.

And I'm not trying to say your feelings are wrong, Schroeder. Everyone has a right to their own feelings and beliefs. I was just trying to give perspective.

[Schroeder]

If you notice I wasn't using the word jealousy much. I was saying slightly possessive, different connotations.

Fair enough. Perhaps the connotations are too subtle for me. Is possessiveness not wrong, regardless of the degree? It's like putting your happiness in someone else's hands.

[waya]

To me jealousy is rooted in insecurity and lack of trust in your partner where possessiveness just comes from strong love and/or passion. Others may not see it that way.