[Chicgirl]

My husband and I have only been married for 2 years, we dated a year before we married and I've felt this way since before we were married. I suspected I felt this way a few months before we were to get married but I dismissed my thoughts since I figured they were pre-wedding jitters.

We're both young, I'm 27 and my husband is 31 and no children. I don't have intimacy problems and I've had all my hormones checked and I'm perfectly healthy, my husband and I just don't have sex very often but we do have frequent foreplay. He's a handsome guy, not drop dead sexy by any means, I guess I'm just not physically attracted to him like I am with other men.

This was not a problem when we first dated but it has turned into one now because I do talk with other men and feel 'held back' because I want to pursue but I would never cheat. My husband is a great man, he's intelligent, caring, has a great job and our communication is very open. I know he loves me very much, but I also can't understand why he isn't more persistent to have sex (you think he would after not doing it for several months), perhaps the foreplay keeps him at bay.

Him and I have discussed this problem before and I went to therapy for several months but here we are almost a year later and nothing has changed. I don't feel the need or the want to have sex with him. I believe the thing that hurts me the most is I wish I wanted to, I wish I could live my life not craving the passion I feel with some other men, because him and I are compatible in every way except for this.

I will eventually tell him these feelings but I'm scared I might be making the wrong decision, will I regret divorcing a man whose values are completely in line with mine because there is no passion??

[Guest]

Why did you marry him in the first place ?? You said you were not attracted to him before you married him so why go through with it ??

[jns]

You are not exactly clear about who is putting the brakes on having more sex. As I read it, you want him to aggressively pursue having intercourse, so you can shoot him down more because you "don't feel the need or the want to have sex with him." If you shot him down a lot in the past, sooner or later he will stop asking. The foreplay that is left is not a normal relationship, but it sounds like he has learned to live with it. The other guys are more exciting because they pursue you. What has the therapist been saying about situation?

[Guest]

Sex isn't enough to hold a marriage together, if she feels no attraction toward him before and after she married him, she's not likely to in the future...

[Hopeless Dork]

I don't understand what you mean by you are surprised he doesn't want more sex, yet say you do not want to have sex with him. Men may not be as intuitive as women at picking up signals (sorry guys, lol) but they are not clueless either.. he probably can sense you don't want sex with him -- which is why he's not pursuing.

I doubt your foreplay is 'keeping him at bay' unless by foreplay you mean altnernative sexual acts that lead to an orgasm (oral/manual/etc). Anything short of that would lead to just frustration probably.

I'm gussing as a healthy man his age he isn't just going months without ejaculating... either he's just decided to masturbate or worst case... found someone else that does find him attractive.

I believe there is a natural attraction/chemistry factor... but I also believe that our mind has a lot of power over what we allow or don't allow ourselves to want-- if you were attracted to him EVER, whatever you saw in him that drove you to be with him in the first place and say yes to his proposal -- is there.

If you never felt a thing, but just wanted the ring, the dress, the stability of his good job and similiar moral values -- then... yep, maybe you did sign on for a passionless relationship. But it doesn't have to be that way. You can condition yourself to be more sexually responsive to him, with him... etc.. if its truly what you want.

But if its half-hearted and what you really want is an excuse to leave.. you'll find it eventually. The blame doesn't lie alone with you, there is 2 people in this marriage-- if your unhappy and distant... it would not be stretching to guess he's probably unhappy as well.

[Chicgirl]

I need to be more clear, when we were first dating I did not have these feelings, feelings that I wasn't attracted to him. I did not start having these feelings until 3 months before our wedding. Shortly after the wedding is when I started seeing a therapist, I stopped going after several months because my husband and I would talk about our situation and I was able to explain to him that I needed him to show me that he wanted to have relations, I needed him to be more assertive and more passionate. My point is, I made an effort and a year later we haven't progressed in that area of our life.

I don't want our marriage to end, I really don't but I can't explain how I can feel so attracted to other men and not my own husband.

[Hopeless Dork]

Thank you for clarifying... it makes a lot more sense now. If he isn't very aggressive in pursuing you, it CAN take a toll... if he isn't make you feel desired, wanted... then some other man comes around and does -- it becomes a slippery slope. Assuming you have made it very clearly SPECIFICALLY what you need from him to feel that way... he should be trying to compromise and make you feel like you are what he wants.

I think a lot of men, to their peril in the relationship... just don't realize how important making the woman they love feel wanted really is. There were times early on in my relationship where my boyfriend wasn't complimenting me, wasn't inniciating sex... and it made me feel like I was not wanted... and while it hurt me, it also turned me a bit cold to him and I noticed that I'd pay more attention to advances and flirts that I'd usually ignore.. no, i'd never act on them, but they made more of an impact on me than they would have... as in, I thought about it.

Knowing I had what I wanted in the man I was/am with... I had a series of talks with him telling him exactly how I felt. How it hurt me that some stranger at the store could tell me how sexy I looked and my boyfriend didn't even seem to notice. He understood and started making the effort to SHOW me the ways he was feeling and stop just assuming I already know he thinks those things about me.

And because of that... no matter how cute a guy is that hits on me, I could care less... I feel wanted at home. I think that is something the 2 of you have to work on before it gets even more out of hand.

[evilgothicjenn]

Ouch. That sucks. I know what you mean though, men just find it easier to wack it to p0rn >_< they don't want to pursue, chase, or even make an effort when they've finally got you. So make it clear, yell it from a freaking rooftop, if things don't change we're done. I don't want this. I can do better. Sometimes all they need is the bait - to play cat and mouse - as really, stupid and childish as that seems. Once I made it clear to my fiance that I didn't NEED him, firmly stood up in independence, things took a drastic leap! He literally, chased me down the road, wanting to make things work. And if telling the truth and giving him a little push towards what you really need doesn't encourage change, maybe a divorce is really the answer?? Sounds terrible and sad coming from my fingers as I'm writing it but really, it may be best....

[jns]

I understand now. Somewhere after you became engaged, he started to pursue less, maybe because he felt it was already a done deal; or you started to believe he was pursuing less even though he did not change. In either case your reaction is somewhat problematic for long term marriage as strong pursuit for decades is not usual. That doesn't mean that the husband is not strongly protective, he can well be. But he will not see a need to pursue what he already has. Alternately, you can get jealousy instead of pursuit. It can be very ugly and also can be controlling at times and by some.

A more normal case is where the husband pursues at a lesser pace, but maybe with more impact. He buys things for special days and sometimes just cause it feels right. He takes on house ownership. He buys fewer gifts, but those he buys are worth a lot more. He comes home some night and you two go on an unplanned getaway. He plans for both of your futures. He does some things you want to do even though he wouldn't do them otherwise. Etc.

[Schroeder]

Women talk about the need to feel wanted. Men need to feel wanted.

Anyone can resent having the constant onus of initiating sex. If you reject your partner's advances, the ball is in your court.

Masturbation is better than having sex with someone who needs to be convinced.

Personally I like a woman who pounces and thrusts. If I always had to chase her, and was turned down, I would probably find something better to do with my time.