[need a female perspective]

Some weeks ago I met a girl, or rather she met me. We hit it off, on a few dates we connected on many levels. The level we did not connect is physicall. I could feel that she likes me, but that something was holding her back. As we differ 10 years (19 and 29) I put it down to her age (even when I was 19 I didn't date 19 year olds, so I have no idea).

After our third date I looked for amateur porn from her country of origin. This is something I have done more often with crushes, but I never expect to find the actual girl on the website.

I did find her on the website, and seeing the video gave me mixed feelings. It was a couples video, different scenes, the same guy. In the beginning she is slightly reluctant, in other scenes I saw her smiling in a way that I wish I could make her smile.

In the video it is obvious that she is aware of the camera, what I don't know is if she is aware that the video has been published on the internet. The way that I know her, I can't imagine she would want these images online.

I am not a dater, dating makes me really uncomfortable. As a result (if I am serious) I am extremely sincere in expressing my emotions. This can work in my advantage but it can also scare off potential partners.

My question:

When and how to tell her? Because it is obvious that I have to tell her.

A small part of me recognises that it would be easier for everyone not to say anything, and let the video dissappear into the vast availibility of online porn. But easier is not always best.

I am still interested in her romantically, and I feel that if I tell her now it would only scare her away, and probably cause her to retreat even more physically (not just from me).

On the other hand, the longer I wait to tell her, the more manipulative I will seem for sitting on this information. In my defence, I have not been able to watch porn since seeing the video.

By nature I ponder on problems far longer than necesary. If it is serious I can become really obsessive and drive myself crazy. And this gives me another concern, if I tell her too soon, am I telling her for selfish reasons (my own peace of mind) or am I telling her because I like her, and she deserves the truth.

[Maximus]

Tell her in the simplest way possible.
Since you ponder on problems, and here I might be projecting, you may have the tendency to find an elaborated way to say things without hurting.
Doing so will only distract you from the main message.

Communication.
Not just any communication, but one which is carried out of love and genuine care because you want to hear her perspective,
and how does she project herself in the future.
You may not be the last person to discover the video.

On your part, how does it make you feel ? do you judge ?
The key is to be caring, as opposed to accusing, or being defensive.
I can imagine that having been involved in a such video made it tough for her to find people she can trust, and who can see beyond the images, and the choices of the past...

Are you willing to be that man ?

[Hopeless Dork]

I am having definate issues with plausability here. Not calling you a troll... I just find the odds of searching online for porn where there are more websites, images, videos, clips, etc.. than there are stars in our universe and beyond -- that you would so happen to land on the girl your currently dating? And that you were just hoping to find images of girls that LOOK like her?

I could see it if you were dating some extremely famous porno actress and finding out about it, but an amateur clip? The odds are probably better to win the lotto and get hit by lightening on the same day. Unless she gave you some sort of, or someone else gave you some sort of nudge in the direction to look? Even slightly increasing those odds?

Anyways. I would be more weirded out by a guy attempting to find porn of chicks that look like me after meeting me than I would be him finding me... but him actually finding me would be even more creepy. I am thinking that yes, this may in fact scare her away. It could one, embarass her to the point she won't want to see you anymore -- especially if you're just dating and no feelings are yet invested by her. 2. It could come across like it wasn't an accident, like you must have hired some PI and investigated her life... because , again, the likelihood is so off the chain.

You say its obvious you must tell her? Why? If it didn't change how you feel about her.. think about what good can possibly come of mentioning it? You have an other option of just letting it go. Do you think she's going to be grateful to you for having told her about this video being on the net when there is NOTHING she will be able to do about it? If she's blissfully ignorant - why break her heart and make her feel hurt when she was doing fine. Then there is also the chance she good and well knows its out there, and will think you are going to judge her... either way I don't see anythign positive coming of you saying anything.

[need a female perspective]

Yes I am willing to be that man.

[need a female perspective]

I am not a troll, and I did not spend hours looking for her. I typed in amateur and country, and there were 10 videos. Which makes it more of an issue, if it would be burried under a mountain of new porn, no problem. Considering not much porn from that country is posted, she has to know.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

By nature I ponder on problems far longer than necesary. If it is serious I can become really obsessive and drive myself crazy. And this gives me another concern, if I tell her too soon, am I telling her for selfish reasons (my own peace of mind) or am I telling her because I like her, and she deserves the truth.

Personally? You say you are not a dater, but that is exactly what you are doing...You are not physical with this lady at this point and you are "seeing her" therefore dating her.... I find it horrifying that your compulsive obsessive disorder is that bad that each woman you date, from "small countries" you look up to see if they are porn Actresses...If you told me that you'd be dumped before you had a chance to get to know me more.

Why? Because you "assume" I am a porn actress, and if I was, then you are checking up on me, to establish things about me that are none of your concern, as I am only dating you and that is scary for one, secondly are you going to check everywhere I go if I went out with you? See the problem?

If she knows, it was her choice...If she doesn't know, someone else will one day tell her... A man whom she is dating telling her he did this? Will and should without a doubt make her wonder and more than likely run the other way.

If I was you? I'd go seek help for this dis-order....

We look at people in this world on the inside for who they are not what they do.

We go into a relationship with trust, not snoop before we've entered it, nor during it.

And, people can be who ever they want in life, it's their life....

CW

[need a female perspective]

It's not obsessive if its an important issue

Personally? You say you are not a dater, but that is exactly what you are doing...You are not physical with this lady at this point and you are "seeing her" therefore dating her.... I find it horrifying that your compulsive obsessive disorder is that bad that each woman you date, from "small countries" you look up to see if they are porn Actresses...If you told me that you'd be dumped before you had a chance to get to know me more.

The specification of smaller countries only came later, when I was put in the chair. Its a shame my motives are put under direct suspicion, but I am not surprised nor upset. It is to be expected given the nature of the internet. As per usual, the first reaction was the most sincere.

As for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, yes I do fit the profile. That does not mean that I am the profile. Too many things have happened in my life for me to believe in coincidences.

[need a female perspective]

Thank you.

Tell her in the simplest way possible.
Since you ponder on problems, and here I might be projecting, you may have the tendency to find an elaborated way to say things without hurting.
Doing so will only distract you from the main message.

Communication.
Not just any communication, but one which is carried out of love and genuine care because you want to hear her perspective,
and how does she project herself in the future.
You may not be the last person to discover the video.

On your part, how does it make you feel ? do you judge ?
The key is to be caring, as opposed to accusing, or being defensive.
I can imagine that having been involved in a such video made it tough for her to find people she can trust, and who can see beyond the images, and the choices of the past...

Are you willing to be that man ?

Yes I am willing to be that man. I am also willing to be the man who lost her for the sake of telling her the truth.

She deserves to know, and she deserves to know that the past does not have to get in the way of the future.

[ItsASecret]

What happens if you are wrong and that girl in the video is only someone that looks like her? Going to her and saying "Yeah I found your porn video online sorry" could actually get her furious because a girl may not want a guy to be looking at porn to see if someone looks like them engaging in acts that they may be repulsed by.

[need a female perspective]

You say its obvious you must tell her? Why? If it didn't change how you feel about her.. think about what good can possibly come of mentioning it? You have an other option of just letting it go. Do you think she's going to be grateful to you for having told her about this video being on the net when there is NOTHING she will be able to do about it? If she's blissfully ignorant - why break her heart and make her feel hurt when she was doing fine. Then there is also the chance she good and well knows its out there, and will think you are going to judge her... either way I don't see anythign positive coming of you saying anything.

Is there nothing she can do about it? Maybe the video can be removed. It's obvious her ex bf is not a nice person. But what if she doesn'know he's nasty enough to post the video. If I was in her position I would want a chance to remove it before it sticks.

Do you think it would be inappropriate to inform her anonymously?

And I am worried that if we become closer, the longer I have known, the longer I have lied to her. Not telling is not the same as not lying. I have always strugled with the timing of dificult conversations, so I tend to choose a.s.a.p. to avoid driving myself crazy. Perhaps this is a conversation where I don't get to choose the timing.