[chaya]

Before I learned, I stained the mattress in our bedroom. I get so wet it is like a flood when we finish. I keep towels in my nightstand and never start without having a couple of them handy. Even with precautions, accidents happen because sex is messy.

So we usually have sex in the guest bedroom. where the mattress is old and we have a waterproof mattress cover.

Now that his sister and mother have been visiting us frequently, my husband wants to get a new mattress for the guest room. Hubby wants to get a Tempur-pedic mattress because his mother has one at home for her back. We've gone shopping for mattresses, I tried laying on a Tempur-pedic and it seems very comfortable but I am wondering if it would be good for having sex. I've looked around the net and some like it and some don't. I can't decide what to do but will probably agree with what my husband wants, as usual.

[LanaBear]

I have a Tempur and LOVE it...

But... I do question, why would you spend the money on a Tempur (they are not cheap) for a mattress in the guest room? Would you be moving your mattress to the guest room and moving the Tempur into your room? Also, if you do, by the Tempur mattress protector, it is awesome, I have two of them and in fact, they will not honor your warranty if you do not have it protected. So, keep the Tempur in your room, keep it protected and have sex on it. Easy solution.

[chaya]

I have a Tempur and LOVE it...

But... I do question, why would you spend the money on a Tempur (they are not cheap) for a mattress in the guest room? Would you be moving your mattress to the guest room and moving the Tempur into your room? Also, if you do, by the Tempur mattress protector, it is awesome, I have two of them and in fact, they will not honor your warranty if you do not have it protected. So, keep the Tempur in your room, keep it protected and have sex on it. Easy solution.

Hubby wants to get the Tempur-pedic because his mother has one at home for her bad back. She visits us every few weeks and would be sleeping on it when she is here. The guest room is small with a double bed. Our room has a king size bed.

[LanaBear]

Well... Even so, I wouldn't be spending the money on a Tempur that I wasn't going to be sleeping on every night, that is going to go in a guest room. Just go find a firm mattress.

[Ashlee T.]

He's very much a nurturer isn't he? Wanting to take care of his mom and make sure she's comfortable when she visits. A very sweet gesture.

Compromise. Perhaps find a way to get what he wants (as long as it doesn't cause you all financial burden) and do what LB said and get a mattress protector for it.

[chaya]

I have been keeping our financial records, paying the bills and keeping to a budget. If he spends $2000 on a mattress for the guest room it will upset my budget and I don't think we can afford it. But if he wants to do it, it is not my place as his wife to stop him. I frequently am at conflict with what he wants/does and my duties as a good wife. He shows very little restraint in his spending, I was always very thrifty. It is hard for me to understand how he can be happy spending all he earns and then some. Even with my budgeting we have spent a large part of the savings I had before we were married. If my father wasn't still sending me a monthly allowance, we would be running in the hole every month. When I go to school, I take my lunch almost every day. He always eats out, spending $10 - $20 every day. I frequently go to school with less than $5 in my wallet, he feels undressed if he don't have $100 in his. When we go out to eat, I would be happy going to McDonald's or an inexpensive family restaurant. He always takes me to the most expensive places in town. That's why I have been trying to get him to eat at home most of the time. I offer to fix dinner for his friends so we won't be going out and spending a fortune.

I shouldn't be criticizing him like this but right now I just feel a need to vent.

[Texinator]

I shouldn't be criticizing him like this but right now I just feel a need to vent.

I think it's understandable. Unwise spending habits could cause some big problems for you family, and it's a good thing that you're trying to keep his spending in check.

[Ashlee T.]

You are only human...and so is your husband. It's normal to need to vent sometimes. And I understand that there are probably some cultural barriers here, where you were perhaps raised to feel that a woman is subserviant to a man and must not question his judgment. But let me remind you that times are not as they were when your parents or grandparents were youngins. I am not telling you to change your core beliefs, but I am saying that you are an equal in this marriage and you have a right to be concerned when decisions are made that affect the livelihood of that marriage.

Now is the perfect opportunity to change this. Use the mattress buying as a way to build your relationship and let your husband know that you DO care about your financial future together. There are LOTS of mattresses out there. There is no need to spend 2k you don't have on one. Talk to him about shopping around and agree on a budget. Find something wonderful to put in there that doesn't cost 2k.

I believe that you put the pressure to be submissive and quiet on yourself. But down the road, you will grow resentful of your husband for always getting his way even though you are equally to blame for not speaking up.

[WildChild]

There is a difference between being a "good" wife and being a good partner. In a partnership, you have a voice and use it to both your vantage. A marital partnership is not about you enabling him in overspending so that he will be "happy". Long term you will both be happier if you sit down together and work out a budget. There should be a clear understanding of where the money goes and savings for future needs or wants. Having goals such as the purchase of new furniture, a house, a vacation and such, help give you incentive to control spending.

He probably has a retirement plan and such through his work, as you get out of school and into the work world (or are at home) YOU need your own retirement plan, independent of his. Far more women than men end up living in poverty as they age because they don't think they need their own.

In a good budget, there should be money for all the household expenses; rent/mortgage, utilities, insurances, vehicle operation and maintenance, food, cleaning supplies, medical, all the bills, there should be a bit for fun and you should each have some spending money. Lunch out every day is usually more than the budget can bear, he needs to see what this really costs, in black and white.

[Guest]

I didn't even read all of your last post, but I must say....IMO, it is exactly your place to speak up if anything is going to throw your budget out of whack.

I have a tempur-pedic as well and love it. Best mattress I've ever slept on (for me).

Perhaps mother in law would be willing to contribute? Just a thought.