[TroubledMan]

I don't think anyone, male or female, should have to live in an unhappy marriage. I totally agree with you, TM, that you could die at 45 if you continue under these circumstances. Both women and men suffer from stress in a marriage. So I'm not going to make excuses for your wife just because I'm a woman.

I think if you really want to make your marriage work, and it would appear so if you went this far, you need to talk to your wife, try to get her to open up about her problems, get some counselling, maybe just someone she's comfortable enough with to talk. The only way you'll get anywhere is if she actually shows some willingness to address the issues affecting your marriage. If there is no willingness, then there is no hope.

If I thought I'd given it my best and she wasn't willing to meet me halfway, then I certainly would not be spending the rest of my days in a miserable marriage.

I went to a therapist last year and really got to the root of a lot of my own issues. I told my wife about each success and epiphany. She didn't seem very interested at the time. She can sense when I'm starting to drift away from her. Like today she sat closer to me and poked me with her feet while we watched a movie. Things will go like that for a few weeks until she knows my blood has cooled. That cycle has occurred 3-4 times in our relationship, and each time she pulls me back in at the last moment. What ****es me off is that I know this about her, and still I stay. I think about the investment I have in the relationship, the amazing pets we share, the friends, her family (which is an amazing gift to have around.) I never had much of a family growing up, and seeing all that unconditional love makes me want to stay. They treat me as one of their own and always have. I suppose my avatar holds true, I am still a troubled man.

[jns]

All the ladies advice above is good and useful, but, at the end of the day, if she doesn't allow you to have sex then she is not fulfilling her end of the relationship. By that I mean that when two people get together and "mate" for want of a word, then I think both parties have a responsibility to ensure that the other is regularly sexually satisfied. ( i don't think anyone will argue with that?) So if she is lazy about your needs, or for whatever reason is constantly uninterested, then you have to decide maybe to move on. But if you do then tell her that the reason you are moving is not because you don't love her, but that you simply cannot go the rest of your life without sex! Sorry, but sometimes you have to be blunt when all else has failed! Tell her you may as well be friends and you'll look for sexual satisfaction somewhere else.

I agree with TH. I also think she is controlling and keeps you in line for her needs. If she won't let you get the intimacy you desire, at least a little bit, from her or elsewhere, it is probably best to end it. Make a last effort to get her to change or at least start therapy.