[cathygirl]

I have been thinking about everyone's posts, and am reaching the (probably obvious) conclusion that all women are different

Yeah, we're all pretty much the same in that way

I think it's a little bit of a concern when your wife isn't even willing to try something that is important to you. See, I will cooperate with things my husband likes that - well, let's just say it wouldn't be my first choice. But because it excites him, I get excited too and then it's okay. When someone won't even try, but just shuts everything down with a resounding "no!", it sounds more like a relationship issue than a sexual issue. But we really don't know what it represents to her, and how she's viewing it. We can only hear your description, and I think there's something about it she's not sharing with you. I do agree with others that a third party might be helpful in at least gettnig the conversation about it between the two of you going in the right direction. Otherwise, it just simmers below the surface as a constant frustration and then comes out in other ways. Good luck.

[spsmith]

Cathygirl,

Thanks for your input.

My wife has never been very adventerous in the bedroom, and she openly admits that. As I have posted earlier, she is VERY reserved (in more ways than just sex). She has tried to teach herself that sex is not "dirty" and make an effort to be more open with sex. Several years ago, she agreed to experiment some with 69, but she just could not get past her perceived "grossness" and did not ever relax and let it happen.

I think there are a lot of issues involved here. She is worn out being a stay at home mom, and she feels like she has lost a little bit of her identity and is more of a kiddie servant than a real person. I help out as much as I can, and encourage her to do things that interest her. I firmly believe that her energy and sexuality will increase as the kids get older and we don't have toddlers anymore and she gets more of a chance to exercise and get involved with things that provide her with an identity beyond that of mom/wife.

My wife has steadily realized over the years where her upbringing and her own mom's hang-ups and attitudes have infected her personality and held her back from enjoying a lot of things, not just sex. She has identified her issues, and is making the effort. When she does relax, she has a much spicier appetite in the bedroom, and I think that side of her will come out more and more as the next couple of years pass. I vividly remember a date night where she attacked me in the car after dinner, we drove to a hotel since the sitter was at home with kids, and had one of the most passionate sexual encounters we've ever had. She did not have me go down on her, but she eagerly and voluntarily went down on me AFTER I had come inside her, which I never thought she would ever do considering I was covered in her and my own stuff. Long story short, I think she has it in her to be more wild, and that side of her will just take some coaxing.

I love yours and all the other ladies' input and information. It's very enlightening.

[jns]

She tells me that she thinks it is really gross for me to put my mouth there, and does not feel comfortable having me do that.

Is the perception of grossness for a guy giving a woman oral something the woman comes up with on her own or is it something taught by someone else? Further, if it is taught, is it taught by a woman relative, a male relative, a woman non-relative or a male non-relative? Personally I love giving oral to a woman, but if my mother had had any influence, I would think it was gross. I never got any instruction about sex from my father.

[ValMcK]

Oral

Wow! I swear as you were describing your wife you were also describing me. Although, I have give my husband the chance to go downtown....it just doesn't do anything for me. The whole fingering thing makes me uncomfortable like he's fishing for something. The only part that I think is gross is if he goes down and comes back up to kiss me. I have issues of performing oral on him. It grosses me out as well...the whole "leakage" and climaxing in my mouth just grosses me out. He jokes when I do perform oral, He will ask "wow is it my birthday today?" I do consider myself very conservative and only use the casual missionary position..very rarely do the doggy or cowgirl position. I think a lot has to do with I'm so tired and have no energy while he does at midnight once I have gone to work, school and gotten the kid to go to sleep. Sex was never a dirty thing to do, but it was also never discussed with me. I was also molested...so I feel that has a lot to do with it to add to my sexual personality. I feel that you are doing a great job in being supportive and doing your own research...kuddos to you. You definately will find that there are women with all different kinds of drives, preferences and conservatives.

[spsmith]

In my wife's case, I think it is a combo of nature and nurture. I think her feeling of grossness is based on her own idea, not outside training. She thinks it is gross that someone would have their mouth where she goes to the bathroom, and she does not want me to have to experience that. I have read other posts recently about women who squirm and get very uncomfortable about the thought of anal oral for the same reason...they think the idea of a tongue in their bottom is just too much to deal with. My wife feels the same way about regular oral.

Her reserved and conservative attitude when it comes to sexual matters, which was nurtured as she grew up, does not help things, and I think it limits her ability to just relax about the grossness and give in to the pleasure. I have tried to tell her that I don't think it's gross, and that I think she could really get some pleasure from it if she just let go, but so far those suggestions have not gotten her over the unease.

I honestly don't think this is a relationship issue; we have been married for a long time and this is how she has felt since the first time we slept together. I started this thread because I wanted to hear input from others regarding whether my wife's feelings about receiving oral are more common than I have led myself to believe, or if she is very rare in her view on this topic.

[spsmith]

Hi ValMcK!

Thanks so much for your post! I am glad that what I have posted has resonated with you. Since it sounds like you really understand where my wife is coming from, I would love to hear more from you about this to see what may work to make things more comfortable.

[ValMcK]

Likewise! There are times when I am mind, body and soul totally in tune with making love that all my uncomfortableness goes out the window. A lot of sexualness for females is mental...It could be feeling good, but the smallest thought of something totally not sexual will distract me...then my guard is right back up. My husband reverts to the conclusion that I'm not into him...which is totally not true. He believes that if he's getting sexual with me I should totally be into it. He knows now that I just don't work that way. There was one time that I actually came from my husband going down on me. Sex was kinda on my mind that day, and I let him know that. When I got home he had already taken care of dinner and the chores. Since I was already mentally there, and didn't have to worry about anything when I got home I was more relaxed and worry free. He got my daughter to sleep early that night and it was so much more meaningful to me. There were no distractions for me and I let my guard down. It was like everything was in tune! I guess communication of her willingness would help. I am conservative, but just like she attacked you that one date night...we have our moments I have found that flirting througout the day helps me because it mentally prepares me for whats gonna come when I see him. Remember to continue while she's busy with kids. I could be fighting with my daughter about her taking a bath and my husband will will wink and remind me what we're gonna do later so I can stay in that mind frame.

[spsmith]

Val,

Reading your posts is like reading a description of my wife and my relationship with her! I cannot post more right now because of other commitments, but I promise to later.

[MinnieGem]

I am not a fan of it either, i let my husband try it once and nope not my thing and he is the only one that has ever done that and I did not like it, i felt i dunno its hard to describe, but no im not a fan, i dont mind giving it but do not like receiving it

[FortunsFoole]

I think it's great that you are coming here for perspectives to help understand where your wife is coming from. It took me years(and is still a process I'm going through) to be getting out of the "sex is dirty" frame of mind. Anything that makes me even a little bit anxious can kill my mood in a second. I was doing my own research, looking for ways to help myself work out how to get over my anxieties when I actually stumbled onto these boards. The advanced search option has been more help to me than most of the articles and books I've read, combined. There are so many supportive and differing perspectives, it just really seemed to help me to accept myself. If she's interested, maybe these boards could be a useful tool for her to maybe get more comfortable with the idea. Not just as in oral, but I believe you expressed she really wants to be able to get away from the "dirty" mindset and be more open?

Something that did help to ease my worries about oral being dirty was to have it done in the shower. It was something that was eased into... the heat from the water and a nice back massage before... I was very relaxed.. and since everything there was as clean as it could be(and in my mind, water readily available for mouth rinsing reasons "just in case")... I felt more comfortable with "experimenting" and allowing oral to happen. I don't know if that's an option she might be willing to try sometime, if you haven't suggested it already.