[samanthax]

I caught my boyfriend of 1 1/2 year masturbating himself while watching on line porn.
I understand men watch porn. The other day I checked his on line History and I saw he logs into the website everyday. I asked him if he was an addict he swore he wasn't he logs in when he is bored. We spend a lot of time together, we do a lot of things together and we enjoy being close. Regarding sex our sex life is good, it could be better. Sometimes he says he's tired. I understand but i feel he is tired for me but not for watching girls on line.
I'm 30 y/o and he's 41 and I like him and I want to have sex with him everyday. But I can't stop feeling bad about this. I feel he doesn't like me enough. Like if I'm not good enough. He also looks at girls on the street I know guys do that but since I caught him masturbating I wonder if he is being turned on by those girls on the street. I feel this situation is affecting my selfesteem. I already talked to him, He says he's far away from being an addict and that I need to trust him. That we have a great relantionship and I'm just looking for drama.
Is he really an addict? How can I handdle this?

[arelav]

well he has defiantly hurt your feelings and made u question your appeal to him.. i know how u feel.. i caught my husband... it damaged my self esteem ... he said everything i wanted to hear and i feel for it... we have since divorced... he was selfish... i am tanted but u should just go with how u feel.. ur first response never fails... men dont get how it hurts to think u arent pretty enough to turn them on... beleive in u not him.. good luck

[secrets_safe]

i know its cliched, but every guy is gonna "window shop". it is not a reflection on you, its just the way they are. he looks at these pornographic images for what ever reason, i dont know, but i am sure when he says thats nothing to do with you that is probably true.

havent you een walking down the street and say an attractive man and thought, "i could have me some of that" (sorry, its the only term i could think of lol) but it doesnt mean you would ever act on it or that you find your man any less attractive.

but if its affecting you that much then you should express the way you feel. tell him you want him to stop looking at the porn if it bothers you that much, if he says he will, then trust him and dont check his history to see if he does. ignorence is sometimes bliss. if you didnt find the porn in the first place, you wouldnt feel like this. as im sure its quite innocent, in the sense that it has nothing to do with you, then i think not finding it would have been better than you now knowing.

in conclusion, talk to him, tell him how you feel.

[Guest]

wow. it's amazing how many people are being hurt by this stuff. i'm sorry you both have had to deal with it.

i think you shuld take it seriously - not hysterically, but seriously. most guys would never admit to being addicted to porn. it's excruciatingly humiliating. of those guys, many don't know they're addicted because they don't think of it as an addiction.

many aren't addicted - they're just having fun & being selfish.

personally, i think i was addicted. no cold sweats or detox - but it was consuming. my girlfriend drew a line in the sand with me - she didn't force me into anything. she just said, "look, i love you. i want to spend my life with you. but i know what i can take & what i can't. you owe it to me to tell me if this is something you're going to mess with for the rest of our lives together."

she didn't condemn me or judge me or rant & rave. but it did cause me to take a look inside.

and when i chose to leave it behind, i found out just how hard it was to let go. it just becomes a habit - you don't even know it.

so, anyway. she's now my wife & i love her more than anything. we have an incredible sex life & i can't tell you how thankful i am NOT to be into porn. i feel like she helped me climb out of a sewer.

OK - food for thought. may help, may not. for what it's worth, my advice is to take it seriously if you care about him.

[samanthax]

Thank you so much for your comments they really helped me. Thanks a lot!!

[SamIAm]

It may be a biological and evolutionary trait for men to "window shop" as said before. BUT this does not mean that they don't have a responsibility for their own behaviour. Why do you tolerate his actions at the sake of your own self-esteem? Is a man willing to search beyond you for his satisfaction really worthy of your time, effort and love? You have to find the answer for that yourself....

[Irelandlover]

I think whilhelm provides a really good response. It's clearly upsetting you and not fair, as for the term "addict"; it commonly known that any "addict" doesn't want to be called this, or finds it very hard to accept being called this or this term being used. If he is doing this rather than with you because he is tired then its not fair behavior and therefore not "normal". If he is thinking about it and it is occupying an amount of time, if he is doing this in secret and as regularly as you say then it is a problem and he needs to move away from it.

I don't think men realise how upsetting this is. I am very open with this sort of thing and have been happy to look at it with my husband however when I found out he had been looking at it alone and hadn't talked to me about it I felt like he had been disloyal, I felt it was dirty and wrong. I think its very hard to explain how hurtful it is,

HOWEVER him looking at other women or looking at this doesn't mean he doesn't think you are wonderful, beautiful and sexually attractive - difficult to get your head round I know but its true!

[samanthax]

Thank you all so much for your responses. This is an update. I talked to my boyfriend I explain to him how much it affected me. That I understand how men have this need to watch but at the same time he needed to think about the way it makes me feel. We talked about addiction. When I came home last night I saw he deleted a sexy pic of an actress that was on his desktop. He also said he didn't log into the website. I think he is making the effort. He keeps saying he's not an addict. He's been by himself for years so maybe he got used to it. So let's see how things go, I had a great relationship with him until this. I hope I get over it. For now I need to focus on rebuilding my selfesteem because i've been feeling like the most ugliest girl in the world, omg it's so stupid! I've never been insecure about myself. So i need to really get rid of this feeling. Any ideas?

Thanks a lot

[*~Kira~*]

First of all I knew exactly how you felt. When I first moved in with my boyfriend I found his stash and yea it bothered me. I felt so horrible and I felt as if I wasnt good enough. I have caught him three times pleasing himself. The first time it killed me I knew he did it but to actually see it it was devestating. I didnt say anything because I knew it would embarass ( spelling) him. The second time I walked in and I walked out and he came to me a few moments later and I was upset. He told me he was sorry and all this other stuff. Than when all was forgiven he finally told me bout a fantasy he had. He would be doing his business and than I would come in and join him. It got me thinking and I really wanted that chance. I finally got it and I did just as he descibed. It felt good because I fullfilled a fantasy he had. I am my boyfriends first and only and everything he has learned came from porn. I have been on this website for almost two months now and I have come to realize all men are going to watch porn the problem is how you react to it. You have no reason to have low esteem because of this if he didnt desire you he wouldnt be with you he would be with another woman. Use this as an advantage to you. If you feel comfortable watching one watch one that he has and maybe you can do a little reinactment like the way they act in the beginning before all the action starts. Turn this problem into a solution. This could spice up your sex life more than it already is. It shows him your comfortable with him, you will do anything to please him, and you have a nasty and sexy side to you.

[Guest]

alright - that's fine. to each his - her - own opinion.

just please realize that that there are many other ways to spice up your sex life without porn. and if statistics and history tell us anything, it is likely that his fascination with porn will escalate & fascination with you will de-escalate as a result.

go which ever route you choose - just don't be fooled into thinking the only way to make sex nasty & fun with him is to celebrate his porn habit.