[rosekitten]

I think i'll come clean and tell him im furious with him, but i'll not tell him why. I'll pretend i don't know. Because that can't be the only reason why...can it?

What do you think that will accomplish, exactly? You know, the reason there is so much communication divide between men and women is this idea right here "I'm mad but I want you to just know why." If you know why you're mad (and, you obviously do since you're pretending to not), then you need to tell him. Making him "guess" or making something up, will only divide you two further. Loving people don't treat those they love in such a horrible manner.

[Velto_Vixen]

I know i'm being childish, but telling him why will further create the problem.
If i tell him "I am mad because i feel hurt that you aren't sexually interested in me anymore." He will feel bad and then "fake" to be into me- which is worse. And further still, that will put MORE pressure on him to perform, so then he can't.
Therefor we will both get frustrated and upset.

So i mean, i moved in again and i've managed to not be so bitter towards him and instead i told him that we should stop because having sex has only caused us more problems. So he's ok with that. It removes the problem all together. I've hinted as to why and the man is good at picking up hints. When we do start being active again (probably a good long while, like maybe a year or 2) That we will have hopefully built up that desire again.

I dunno what else to do. I didn't tell him i'm mad because i'm not. I know this is normal in relationships to kind of get over the initial excitement. And well, i am still going to talk to him about it soon because now there will be no stress to perform since we aren't doing it anymore.

I feel better when i don't. Mentally. I was so convinced that i was going to wait till i'm at least engaged. Sex just ruins everything.

[stressed]

So you'll be in a sexless relationship because 'sex ruins everything'? Sex is a big part of being being in relationship, without it you might as well call him a roommate or a friend, especially at your age. When you spend nights wanting him and sex he probably spends time for himself weekly masturbating. If that's fine by you...

[Guest]

Velto_Vixen,

I dated a girl a couple years ago who told me that her ex-husband turned her down, and it crushed her. She said that she prepared for the evening, took a shower, shaved her armpits and legs, wore a new negligee she had bought for the occasion, and put her plan in operation. She was an extremely sexy woman who I preferred w/o a negligee because she looked so beautiful naked, so I can't imagine any man turning her down. She sat on his lap and began kissing him. He said he wasn't in the mood and pushed her away. She tried a few more times with the same result. She cried herself to sleep that night. She never tried it again with him. But she knew that she could easily seduce me, and I never once turned her down.

Here's what I learned for her telling me this story. Women are extremely sensitive and vulnerable when it comes to their sexuality. Men have to pay attention to women. If a woman expends the time and energy to prepare for a romantic evening, a man should always be receptive to her and feel fortunate for her thoughts and energy in preparing for the evening. A man should never, ever turn down a woman in such a scenario.

BTW, unless a man is jealous, he should listen to what a woman says about her sex life. She is subliminally providing him with valuable cues about what she does and doesn't like. Men should pay attention to how a woman says what she says. If she says it with a smile on her face, then you are on your way to making her a happy girl. If you allow jealously to arise about what she did before she met you, check you own inadequacies because you're denying her and you opportunities for a lot of fun. And it is always better to learn from the mistakes of others. If a woman tells a man what she doesn't like, don't do it. If she tells you what she does like, do it...a lot!

Velto_Vixen, it could be that your boyfriend is immature and sexually inexperienced. Maybe he does not know how to respond to a woman who is non-verbally expressing to him that she desires fulfillment. Or maybe he's selfish and doesn't care. Were I you, and I ain't, but if I were I'd sure as find out which one applies.



Good luck,

Taos

[Hopeless Dork]

While your partner may only have a sex drive for wanting sex 2x a week with you, theres this problem many men of late are having with seperating drive for sex from drive for masturbation/porn. I've seen so many women here with this issue and have even read MEN that say -- i don't know whats wrong with me... I only want to have sex with my gf once a week, i am able to masturbate fine 2 or 3 times a day but I can't seem to get an erection when I try to have sex with her -- is something medically wrong? bleahhh ... Its like ummm your drive for sex is so low because you are already satisfying your drive for sex through your excessive masturbation/porn habits.

I'm not saying that IS whats going on in your situation -- but its so dang common its sad. So its worth asking yourself if that may be the issue in your relationship. If so, talking to him about him saving up his sexual energy for you, allowing you to release his built up sexual tension -- could work to the benefit of your relationship.

But it would have to come from a place of -- i want more of you and not -- I don't want you to do this or that.

[Velto_Vixen]

stressed- I know sex is important but i feel that i'm not ready to, if i'm behaving in such a horrible way because i have low self esteem now, imagine later. i need to deal with my self esteem issues and then i could have sex again. Sex is scarey, if i fall pregnant that would be the end of my life. So there are multiple reasons why i don't want to have sex again right now. I really must address my issue with self esteem first, which is as long as a piece of string of time.

Dude, if we were sexless (which we are right now) i would be the one masturbating 12 times a day (not even exaggerating) and he would do it once a week. True story. I try not to fuel my fire unless i know i'll be badgering him for some action later on, so when i finally do touch myself...i go overboard.

I believe a large part of my drive is to fuel my self esteem. Truly. Not my desire, but to make me feel beautiful.

wildchild- I understand and i agree you are 100% correct. I know i have a lot to learn about life still, and i also know that i strive to better my relationship- i'm still learning, this is only my second long term relationship, and definitely my longest. I'm have my own issues and it definitely doesn't help the way i behave.

I ended up telling him last night and i feel so relieved, its a big weight off my shoulders and he behaved lovely. And the night ended up with a tantric (by accident!!! WOO HOO) hand job for him. I won't let him touch me though because i have less control than him. I think a period of abstinence for us while i sort out my things will be healthy (he also agrees and supports me, he waited to have me he can wait again).

I do realise mens interest drop off- what i can't do is not take it personally. I'm trying not to. He told me yesterday that i'm making his libido seem much lower than it actually is, and i'm like "well when your as high as me even mount everest can look like a little hill".

I do meet with my closest friends on occasion. I'm really busy juggling school adn work right now, so it's not like i have time on my hands to have sex anyway. My holidays were fun because i had time to create art which i love.

I think he appreciates it, it's just that he doesn't want it as badly as i.

I literally make him the dessert and frosting and chocolate sprinkles! I love baking! But, i don't get the metaphor there? Are you saying to give him a taste of me but still have my own time and my own self??

Taos- I agree. Men just say "oh im ready" women go through so much effort being "Feminine" and in the mood and getting all exciting, since arousal takes so much longer, and then to have a man turn her down really hurts her emotionally more than physically. Rather with a man it simply may hurt his ego, not his heart and soul.- It's tough.

He is sexually inexperienced as am I more so than he. He knows what i want, and he was tired and such. Good excuses. He cares. He really is a good guy i'm just WAY too sensitive. I mean obviously since talking it through with him i feel better about this situation, but still. I am still hurt, but i took the knife from him, so....easy.

Hopeless Dork- He watches about a one hundreth the amount of porn I do. And he often wont touch himself to save it for me if i'm gone a week and such. I think his main prformance issue was once being so tired and feeling unwell he couldn't perform, and seeing the hurt in my eyes, and not wanting to put me through that again has caused a paranoia which makes him less likly to perform when he isn't tired and feeling unwell.

I'm a really lucky lady, i just wish he had a higher drive so we could be even. I mean, if the situation were flipped i wouldn't want him to just knick off and leave me. I have a hand...i guess.

I am already seeing him getting that spark back when he wanted me but we were waiting. He said that he's sorry if he can't control himself...which means he must already be thinking about it...

Thanks guys.

[jns]

"Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone"

From Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell

I was thinking yesterday, why don't people just go through the motions because they love the other? A mother loves her child, but the child is not always nice. Does the mother stop feeding the child because the child is not being nice? Maybe for short times, but not for extended times because the child would not get the nutrition he or she needs. If she loves her SO, why would she not follow the same logic when it comes to sex?

In this case, the roles are reversed, but the lesson is still the same. Why does he not put in more effort? Why does he not go through the motions for love? What is there not to control? People go through the motions for a job all of the time and often times find something they like about it after a while. They do that for money. Why not for love if they truly love someone?

[Velto_Vixen]

jns- he can't really do that if he isn't...uh...."excited" in the pants. Anyway, we still havn't had sex and i want it to stay that way indefinitely (like waiting for marriage, except...i don't want to get married- and he knows this....so we're waiting till I have a house)
Sex caused us too many issues, and right now i do not want it, not even a little bit. I believe that i'm probably depressed now...and that could be why. I feel intense guilt anyway, and people should only have sex when they are ready to emotionally and physically and ready to live out the consequences. I am not. Therefor we are stopping. He misses it. I don't.
I'm sure he would go through the emotions so long as he had excitement in the pants.-but that's the issue itself. The lack of passion.

[colliflower]

Ok, I know it's a bit late to reply to this but I just came across this post again.

I just wanted to add in one last thought. I don't like the way he's making you feel as if your high level of sexuality is such a bad thing. To many guys it would be a blessing! I had an ex that made me feel so insecure about my sexuality (because my sex drive is also very high). He made me feel "abnormal" and weird but it turns out it was because of how insecure HE was and how threatened he was by it.

I later dated someone who cherished every aspect of my sexuality, edging me on to keep exploring my body, mind, and everything in between. It was amazing and has helped me enjoy my sex live a hundred times more than I ever had.

You probably won't agree with me as I see you want to cling on to this relationship regardless of what anyone else is saying. But cutting off sex this early on in the relationship isn't helping anyone. You're just suppressing the problem. When you go back to having sex, the same problems will arise. I assure you, he won't miraculously change his views on it.

Also you should be allowed to be yourself with a partner that cherishes every aspect of you. Not being able to talk about sex because he claims you think about it too much is not healthy! No matter how you look at it. When I commented before I thought maybe you were throwing yourself at him but as I keep reading I see that is not the case...

I wish you the best of luck but as I've been in a somewhat similar scenario I can promise you'll be able to find someone who helps you feel as loved as you deserve. Physically and mentally. Because unless you're able to cope with the lack of sexuality in your relationship, this guy just isn't making the cut.

[Texasred]

VV, there's something wrong with this boyfriend of yours, NOT with you! You need to pay real close attention to what others have posted here: you will NOT be happy with someone whose desire for sex is so much lower than yours!

You should find someone else: there are plenty of guys out there who would LOVE to find a woman who wants to make love frequently.