[desiree1974]

Sorry if this gets 2 long. For the past year or so my husband seems to be no longer interested in making love with me. Even as we are in foreplay, it does not stay hard. It only gets hard during oral now. I nhave caught him looking other women up and down and I am so scared he is thinking of cheating. I am at a time where I need it everyday basically. I know he is not cheating and he says he still loves me and finds me attractive, but he wants something different. His exact words I need to do something different, suprise me with something new. Well we have been together for almost 20 years so we have tried all different positions etc. What I am needing are some ideas that I can do to get and keep him interested in us and our sex life again, so he does not stray and is happy. I do not know what to do, it seems we have tried almost everthing but I know we havent and that is what I am needing. Ideas, Please

[Ashlee T.]

I'm sorry, but this post makes me very sad for you. Sex should be something fun and enjoyable between you and your partner. Not something you rack your brain in a desperate attempt to save him from being unfaithful. What I hear, is you screaming out "PLEASE HELP ME, IF I DON"T DO SOMETHING FAST I'M AFRAID HE'LL CHEAT!".

If he "needs something different", then he should also be giving some ideas and contributing to this instead of just sitting there waiting for you to do all the work. He needs to take part in keeping the spark, it is not just YOUR job. What does he do to spice things up for you in the bedroom?

[LanaBear]

I think there is some communication missing. Like BD said, if he is stating that he needs something different, well, WHAT? That's like guessing how many jellybeans are in the jar, heck, guessing jellybeans is probably easier than guessing what your husband wants. He completely needs to throw you a bone here.

Is he talking role play? Does he want you to take charge? Does he want to do it somewhere different and exciting? Does he want to bring in toys? Play around with some light bondage? ETC ETC ETC

[Ashlee T.]

Yeah, I mean he could be talking anything here. He may mean, just be more spontaenous. Like if you normally wait until a certain time at night to initiate, surprise him at a different time and place. He may mean wear something sexy. He may mean bondage, he may mean toys, he may mean a threesome, he may mean dirty talk. I mean........who knows? It just sounds like he's lying back waiting for you to please him and you're doing all the work then walking away feeling badly about yourself.

[stressed]

I agree with the girls. It's like he expects you to magically guess what he wants to do 'different' and meanwhile he's allowed to look at other women in front of you as if to hint "hey, your time's running out, if you won't guess soon I'll go that way".

You can never enjoy sex if you do it so he won't cheat, it'll make you anxious. He can tell you or show you what kind of 'different' he means. There are hundreds of answers to what 'different' can be and when somebody mentions this s/he tends to know what s/he wants to change. He knows what he wants but he doesn't tell you what it is.

[desiree1974]

Thanks for making me realize what I feel is not wrong. I just do not know how to make him want and need me, he still just says I really do not know what I want. So I can not read his mind, so who knows where to go from here.

[Ashlee T.]

he still just says I really do not know what I want.

He's just setting you up for failure. Because you might try 10 different things and him go "Ehh.....yeah that's really not it". His behavior and expectations are unfair. Has he considered the possibility of erectile dysfunction? OR have you considered that he may be taking care of himself often enough that he's just not in the mood for sex with you?

What is HE doing to nurture your relationship? What is HE doing to keep the spark in the bedroom?

[Guest]

It seems that may be you have given him too much already? - is it the case?

Anyhow, sex in a marriage is about discovering, friendship, laughter, about educating yourself and your spouse about how wonderful is investing in your intimacy, how wonderful is to be in the same page in your marriage where both want to experience each other bodies, is amazing......

Things that worked for us:
1. Magic Wand (she loves it and I do too)
2. I film our sex videos from time to time, watch them later and make me really horny.
3. she wears sexy clothing from time to time
4. she surprises me with trimming down there (is exiting)

the rest is pushed forward by your sex drive, if his is low, look into what he is eating and how active he is, the more the work outs the more the testosterone......sometimes drive me crazy when she tells me that my penis is beautiful....

Good luck!

[oxy-moron]

As males get older their testosterone to estogen ratio weekens. This can mean penis performance suffers. If he is carrying extra weight or exposed to too much dietary estrogen it can have an even earlier age impact.
It sounds to me like his testosterone could be at low levels- it is usually at its highest in the morning and lowers during the day.

Google - acetyl-l-carnitine benefits testosterone.
Trials by researchers in Italy have shown acetyl-l-carnitine( an amino acid used in life extension products) to be as effective as testosterone but without the side effects.
It seems to work within a week.
Get him to give it a try.( You can get it at health food shops)
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What was found in the trial.
Both testosterone and carnitine improved sexual performance, as shown by nocturnal penile tumescence measurements1 and the International Index of Erectile Function score; carnitine was found to be more effective than testosterone in this respect. Both treatments improved the blood flow through the arteries supplying the penis to an equal extent; these measurements had returned to baseline levels at 6 months after the end of treatment.
Testosterone has the reputation of increasing prostate size. This was confirmed here - the testosterone treatment group had increased prostatic volume at 3 and 6 months, which returned to normal after 6 months' off treatment. At the same time, LH (luteinizing hormone) levels were lowered. PSA levels were unchanged. Carnitine had no effect on prostate volume, LH, or PSA levels.

Both testosterone and carnitine significantly improved the symptoms of depression and fatigue, as measured by questionnaires. The side effects reported were negligible, and were the same in each treatment group.
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Good luck

[Guest]

Sounds like he just needs something different, but he doesn't know what. Lets face it, men tend to get bored more easily than women. Its like the old saying goes, "show me the sexiest woman on earth and her husband, and I will show you a guy that is bored to death with having sex with her." Now, there will be tons of people who think, "not my man," or "Im a guy and Im not bored with my wife," but the reality is that it is ridiculously common. There are four new threads a day on here about "I snooped and found messages to another woman/ex" on my husband's/boyfriend's phone/computer. That is guys getting bored, and guys who are slaves to their ego and need more validation or validation from a new source. If you go snooping, youre bound to find SOMETHING you can use to validate your violation of trust for snooping. But, I digress, the OP didnt do any snooping. Im just using that to discuss how common it is for guys to be bored.

As for spicing things up, there has been some great advice posted. For a guy who has been with the same woman for 20 years, he might need a change in the "routine." By that, I mean new locations and role playing. Role playing allows the ego to feel the boost of sex with someone "different" but the intimacy of it being your one and only. I dont just mean that you have to be the "babysitter" or the "schoolteacher" but allow him to be someone else, too. Try a little bit of everything and enjoy the learning until you find something that trips both of your triggers!