[Crystalblue]

musiclova
Junior Member

Join Date
Aug 2011
Posts
6

You have great EQ and IQ. Maybe you should write a book sharing your experiences.

It has always been said that emotional abuse leaves scars long after those of physical abuse. Perhaps you can be a light to others going through tough times themselves, and perhaps you can be a leader in advocating for change in laws. It takes someone caring enough to step forward and push for change. You have what it takes and then some.

How are you fairing? I mean, how are your days at this point? Are you feeling stronger and still enjoying the tranquility of peace in your home?

I couldn't agree with them more. You have a great way of writing and communicating your feelings. I think there's much that you could do for yourself and other women struggling.

[hurtwife]

Crystalblue,

I consider being compared to an Amazon warrior to be a compliment, not silly at all. Life is a compilation of moments. When I was in high school I volunteered in a nursing home. That experience taught me a great deal. The elderly residents who received visitors on a regular basis had one thing in common. They were all positive people. Several of those residents had never been married, had no family at all but they were loved by the people they knew throughout their lives. There were some who didn't receive visitors but they endeared themselves to the staff and other residents because you couldn't help but love them. Then there were the bitter old people. They were ungrateful to others, boastful of who they once were, envious of those who received visitors and angry. That experience gave me role models of the kind of person I would want to be when I got old. I didn't ever want to be the bitter old woman who never got that "deep connect" in life. But why would she when she basically embodied each of the seven deadly sins? While the women of substance were those who embraced the great virtues of life. These were the women who were respected by others. I learned then that respect is concept others hold of us, not something we can assume. It all comes down to making decisions about who we want to be and how we would want others to regard us.

I consider myself to be an amalgam of traits I have assumed for myself from the examples others have set before me. After my first child died I was consumed by sadness. I wasn't sure if I could ever find a way out of that black hole. I was a young woman on the path to becoming the old woman I never wanted to be. I was consumed by my personal pain and loss.

I am more of a gut instinct kind of person rather than a strategic, methodical minded person. You know those people who utilize a pros and cons list as a decision making tool. However at this stage of my life I did make a list. I wrote out every hellish moment I had experienced in my life. Not the moments of grief that followed my son's death or the time it took me to recover but the actual moments of real on earth. Guess what, it all added up to less than 24 hours. All of those moments of hellish experiences added up to less than one day of on earth was a drop in the bucket compared to all the other moments that had brought joy, laughter, love, happiness and so forth. I still have that list somewhere in a box around here. I haven't every pulled it out to look at it again, nor have I added anything to that list. I just know it is somewhere around here as a constant reminder of personal choice. My choice was to be thankful for every moment that wasn't horrific and recognize the best thing about the past is it's over.

As I stated before. I now have a sense of tranquility that never existed before. Life experiences, even the worst ones can break us or make us. Growing up in a dysfunctional and abusive environment taught me how to read people. You learn how to read body language, triggers and the importance of having good judgement and choices. Those skill sets didn't come from a book, they are instinctual. I have leveraged those skill sets in my career. I learned the importance of being a doer rather than a dreamer. Dreams are the catalyst of change action is. Conversely, because I never knew a sense of tranquility I wasn't aware it was lacking in my life. That is difficult to explain.

Throughout my marriage I was focused on saving my children. I worked every day to give my son another day of life and he said thank you by living it to it's fullest. I knew what it was like to parent an ill child. I didn't know what it was like to parent a healthy child. My priorities were in recreating normal in the wake of extraordinary circumstances. When my son died in 2009 that "new normal" I created had suddenly become no different than anyone else's normal. I think that was when my attention shifted from nurturing everyone else to nurture myself. Only then did I recognize the impact my husband's behavior had made in my life. I am not certain if I tolerated/ignored it or if he was just so secretive that I was unaware of it. Perhaps it was a combination of all three. It is unimportant as it relates to the relationship between my husband and myself but it is important to know what I can do differently in the future so it never happens again.

[hurtwife]

Elanor Jane,

I probably could have the marriage annulled but that isn't something I would want to do. I was married to him, I had his children and we shared a life together. Mind you, I don't excuse him for making the decisions he made. He made promises to me when we married and he didn't keep them. He didn't break those promises every moment of every day. What did exist every moment of every day were the secrets in his heart. He kept it secret because he knew the hurt it would cause me. He placed himself above others who loved him by making selfish decisions that broke the spirits of those he loved.

I am of the opinion that his lust as a man in his mid-fifties for teenage girls is fundamentally wrong, perverse if you will. Obviously, he is not the only person who pleasures himself by viewing such images and videos given how many pornographic sites exist featuring teenage girls. His concupiscent pursuits were intentional on his part. His deliberate secrecy to conceal his habit suggests he engaged in this behavior with full knowledge of how much it would hurt me. His reticence to seek counseling for himself is a symptom of his egomaniacal personality. His desire to seek marriage counseling is a manipulative ploy with total disallowance of recognizing the degrees to which he has wronged his family.

[hurtwife]

Crystalblue and Musiclova,

Writing a book requires someone to possess organized thinking processes, something I don't possess. I possess a plethora of random thoughts. The notion of putting those thoughts together in an organized format is overwhelming. Maybe after some time that may change who knows. I do appreciate your opinion of thinking my thoughts worthy of sharing with others.

[hurtwife]

Beautiful Disaster,

I am fairing better every day. It is unfathomable to think how much my life has changed in the past 30 days. On day one I come to my breaking point of intolerance. The next day I am enraged and overwhelmed by his betrayal. That evening I begin moving everything out of my home out of fear that he could return at any given moment. The next day he agrees to remain out of the house for 10 days. The next day I continue packing my belongings and moving them into storage. The following week I filed for a divorce. All the while he comes to my home at will and I learn I have no legal rights to keep him away. For 20 days the home I once considered to be my sanctuary was morphed into my prison as I lived in my bedroom with two lawn chairs with everything else gone. I placed his belongings in one storage facility and mine in another. On day 15 I wanted to do something positive and take advantage of having no furniture in the house by painting the ceilings and refurbishing the hardwood floors on my own.

On day 20 I move my belongings back in the home because he agreed to give me the home. That same day I end up in the local emergency department with a severe anxiety attack because he wants to be here when things are moved back in the home. Short of that one extreme situation each day brought a deeper sense of inner peace of tranquility. When he came over tensions would mount.

On day 25 he receives the divorce settlement and I begin to consider it may be possible to get through this as painlessly as possible. That evening his demeanor changes and civility goes out the window. The next day I make a post on this forum. Since then he has signed and returned the divorce settlement and seems to have come to terms with the fact that this marriage is over. And yes, the sense of tranquility and peace is still deepening with each passing day. I don't think I will feel at total peace until the final decree of divorce has happened. I still haven't had the heart to go back into my son's room to unpack his bass guitar, photograph albums, CDs, bulletin board and other belongings back in their rightful place. I am still working through that. I am not even sure that he would want that for me. My son wasn't one to live in the past. He never feared death, but he shouldn't be forgotten. Yet, he wouldn't approve of having his room kept as a shrine either. That hurdle can wait.

[Ashlee T.]

Yes, one hurdle at a time.

What would your son want? He would want truly, whatever made you happy. If that means having a room with some of his items still left in it, then so be it. If that means removing those items and storing them away, then so be it. But remember, putting away material things won't make him be forgotten. Nothing will.

I long for that day for you. The day when the divorce is final, when you can truly feel free from this man. But you are getting there. And you should so be proud of you. It's time to live for you friend. It is time to experience the freedom of peace and love and tranquility.

[RavDiva]

Hurtwife,

I'm also a hurt wife and reading your experience has really encouraged me to move on as difficult as it is. 20 years I gave this man and I can honestly say your writings expressed my hurts, feelings, and more. I would like to know where you're at in life right now?

[rhiannon34]

After that he began doing his own laundry which was the only positive result of that conversation.

I love this!! Lol!! You're soon to be ex husband is a self-serving, indulgent, grown adolescent, douche bag!!! I'm so sorry you ended up with this, and I am glad you are out of that situation. I really hope you end up getting your groove back at some point. After my horrible mentally abusive marriage I was a jaded man hating expletive word for a female dog. I did finally work my way out of it (mostly)