[kkells]

Hi guys. My boyfriend and I have recently moved in together. Sexually, it's been difficult. Either he will ejaculate in under a minute or won't ejaculate at all. It's primarily been me initiating anything sexual. Additionally, I looked in his computer history and noticed he's been looking at porn daily, even while I'm at home (and directly after having sex where he claims he can't cum). I can't help but feel hurt and unattractive. We are only in our mid-20s and although I do love him, I cannot live my sexual life this way. Any advice on what's happening here?

[jns]

He is less familiar with having sex with a real woman than with masturbating to porn. He has to retrain himself to enjoy the feel of having sex with a real woman. That means he should forgo any masturbation for several weeks until he can consistently orgasm while having sex with you. After that, you can work on getting him to last longer. He should not masturbate to porn if he cannot finish with you.

He may not be getting the same visual stimulation from having sex with you. Porn is many times focused on the interaction of the genitalia and not on facial expressions, kissing and sucking breasts while having intercourse. Nor is it on the man stimulating the clitoris while having sex. You will have to try different positions to find out which ones provide the proper physical stimulation as well as the proper visual stimulation. I prefer positions at 90 degrees to the girl for this but girl on top is also good. For contact I prefer spooning positions or the girl face down flat on the bed (the latter is also good for a tighter feel if the girls legs are fairly tight together). For looking at a woman's shape I prefer doggy style (I love the curves from hips to waist to shoulders). With standing styles, I usually get very weak in the legs as I approach orgasm as I try to maintain focus on standing and orgasming at the same time and usually have very strong orgasms.

Have you talked to him about the porn viewing and masturbation?

[caterpillar79]

You have a lot of work ahead of you, but first, remember that it is NOT you that is the problem as to why he is not ejaculating, (pre-maturely) ejaculating, viewing porn, etc. It has been his way of life before you, so you must understand it is going to be difficult to adjust. He needs to understand though how this is affecting both of you, hence the need to air out the laundry, so they say. However, this must be done in a way that does not feel like you are attacking or blaming. What are your boundaries regarding masturbation, porn, frequency of coitus - have you talked about it? How long have you been together? Your degree of comfort discussing these things with will be crucial, so tread carefully.

I am not so sure how long you've been together and to what degree of commitment you both are in, whether you are BOTH going for the long haul (I can't assume), unless you tell us if he proposed his commitment to you (for marriage or long term partnership). It could vary from being nervous and is trying very hard to please you, to feeling cornered and smothered by living together so soon and he is starting to feel overwhelmed so he can't perform and doesn't feel the urge to have sex with you. It is weird but I was told that when sex is not readily available to a man, it is all he thinks about, but when it is there within his grasp (i.e. because you are living together and that you're okay initiating), he loses interest or at least puts it off because he knows he can have it anytime he wants, etc...

This is not saying he is like that, but I am just taking those factors into consideration. Not much help, I know, so give us more info.

[kkells]

Thanks for your response, caterpillar79. I have no problems with porn nor masterbation. I think the real issue is when I can't get him off in bed so he turns to porn. He does tend to get defensive so I do need to tread lightly especially where I was on his computer looking through the history (bad of me). We've been together for almost 4 years on and off- a lot of that was long distance, and infidelity on both sides happened in the past. We have since moved on from that but now this is what I face. I know he has had many lovers in the past and I have to wonder if I'm the only one who has experienced this. We are in it for the long haul, but if our sexual relationship cannot progress I'm not so sure I could be happy long-term. Heck! We are 25 and 26! If the sex sucks now I'm certain marriage and children doesn't make it much better haha. As of right now things are tense as I am still trying to sort out how I'm going to approach this topic without being deemed a "nag", a "snoop", or something like that. I did ask a guy friend of mine and he said he thought it could be nervousness. I'm really not sure.

[kkells]

Actually, it is quite the opposite, jns. He has been with many attractive women before me. My guy friend suggested nervousness, with pre-mature ejaculation making him ashamed thus when trying to perform longer he actually loses the ability to orgasm. He said it may be mental and the porn comes in handy afterwards where he can feel more comfortable cumming on his own time. Thoughts?

[jns]

If he has been with many beautiful women, he should not be nervous. Maybe he had problems with them, too. Nervousness can cause premature ejaculation. The general exercise is for the guy to only have intercourse for a brief time, then pull out and calm down before continuing. Then he does the same thing again and again. Foreplay for the girl fills in the interludes. This retrains his body and mind to slow down. Losing the ability to orgasm sounds like a mental block is causing him to tighten up so he cannot go over the peak. For that he needs to learn to relax again and go with it as the climax approaches instead of tightening up. That can also be helped by pulling out when he goes soft and going back to foreplay, this time for both him and her. The foreplay for him may take some time, so do something that can be carried on without tiring too much. Porn and masturbation work because he can always pull up more extreme pictures that will peak his libido. Further, his grip is tailored to his sensitivity, so he will feel a lot of sensation. To do that requires not masturbating very much to increase sensitivity and to become more accustomed to the feeling in a woman.