[chaya]

I've been married for a year, up until a month ago I couldn't get enough sex. I was almost always the one to initiate sex and I always had orgasms. My husband was shy and I was the most active when we were intimate. He has started getting more aggressive about sex and has been a lot more active. I had hoped for this but now that it's happening I don't like it. He gets very active and it causes me a lot of pain when he goes in too deep. We've talked about this and he promises to be more careful but he frequently gets carried away.

Lately when he wants sex I dread doing it. I feel it's my duty to please him so I always do it but when I do I only hope it will get over with quickly. It's more than the pain issue, I just don't have any sex drive anymore and never get horny like before. I'm only 20 and I already feel like a frigid old lady. I'm sure there's nothing physically wrong with me, it's more a mental or hormone thing. I usually don't get wet like I did before and have to use a lube. I don't want him to know so I put it in in the bathroom before we start.

I've heard there might be pills to make me more responsive but on the internet most things like that seem to be a scam. Would going to a doctor or GYN be of any help? Could this just be a "phase" I'm going through and will get over it?

[DreamP346]

There is something called Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD). You may or may not have it. Has anything changed in your life? More stress, work/school change, moves, etc. Those can effect your sex drive, but you can work through those issues. If its only been a month, I wouldn't worry about it, but if it persists, go see a specialists. I see you are from CA. If you are near Stanford, there is a great doctor there that specializes in that disorder. Let me know if you want her name. There are other sexual health clinics in CA. Most primary care and GYN doctors will just dismiss your problem by either saying take a vacation or its in your head.

The other things is see a sex therapist. Visits the AASECT website to find one near you. They often are couples therapists as well and it sounds like you need to communicate better with you husband. You definitely don't want to hide things from him. That will make it worst. If he is ging too deep, change the position. I find rear entry he can't go as deep. Also you being on top will control the level on penetration. When it hurts, tell him right away. If you stop his pleasure, he will learn fast not to go too deep.

Don't buy anything from the internet unless your physician prescribed it. 99.99% of the time they don't work.

[chaya]

I could never let my husband know it I went to a sex therapist. If he found out he might think I didn't love him any more and wasn't turned on by him. Before i would get so hot at the thought of having sex we never did in any foreplay. By the time we got upstairs I was more than ready. Now I wish he would start some foreplay to "get me ready", if that is possible anymore. He is very clumsy when he puts his hands on my genitalia, so I don't think he will ever be good in that respect.

You asked about stress, yes I have been going through a very stressful time. His work has him stressed out and me too. I worry about him constantly when he is at work. I have been getting deeper in my religion and the conflicts between religion and my everyday life have been worrying me. I go to school, the studies are getting harder for me and require more study time than I can devote to them without loosing sleep. So yes, I have been under a lot of pressure. I've been under stress before and it didn't affect me sexually. I even tried watching porn on my computer to get aroused but all I got was disgusted.

[Hopeless Dork]

If your health is good, its probably more of a mental/emotional withdrawing from sex... and it happens for a variety of reasons. Loss of that fireworks initial infactuation stage (you can bring this back in many ways), being upset with your partner/feeling resentful towards them etc, other things on your mind/stress/concerns with other aspects of life, feeling unnattractive, feeling exhausted, boredom with the way the act is carried out, etc... it could be dozens of things that cause a person to lose interest in sex... and thing is (especially or mainly with women) is the less you have it, the less you want it. So backing off entirely is always a bad idea because it won't generally cause a renewed interest but instead the opposite effect.

Are you mentally excited, aroused during your sessions? Have you ever been? Sometimes our sexuality fluctuates. Sometimes physical sensations are all it takes, sometimes fantasies in the head, visual or mental stimulation of some sort are needed to kick the fires into gear. I go back and forth on that. Sometimes I don't need to think of anything to be excited, just the feel of his touches gets me there.

Other times I need to look at him, watch him, get into his reactions to me to get in the mood..

Other times I need to mentally get in the mood..usually thinking about another time he made me feel good, imagining that sensation, and then starting to crave feeling it again.

Sometimes I need to fantasize.. usually about a sex act we do that turns me on, I think of it while we're doing soemthing else haha weird I know but it works sometimes

[lizzardb63]

I feel that way too sometimes. Reasons for me are stressed, feeling unattractive, pms, crabby, mad at him, tired, emotional, or worried about stuff. Everyone gets into those moods sometimes where sex is the last thing they want, but it shouldn't be a long-term thing. The most important thing of it all...and honestly THE MOST IMPORTANT...is to communicate with your husband. Tell him how you're feeling, express to him what you want and what you don't want. He will feel much better about you talking to him about your concerns rather than hiding it and having sex "because you have to". I think that would hurt him even more. Sit and have a conversation with it to him. He will understand and he loves you. He'll do what he can do work through it with you.

[chaya]

I can only hope this condition is temporary. I actually could live with it but I'm sure my husband would eventually suffer. I can't bring myself to talk about this with my husband. We share almost everything with each other but he don't feel comfortable talking about sex and neither do I. With us it has always been a spontaneous thing that needed no communication.

In the past I had an orgasm every time we had sex, sometimes more than one, now I can't remember the last time I had an orgasm.

[lizzardb63]

I was always told, "If you can't talk about sex, you shouldn't be having sex"...but perhaps for some people, it really IS hard to talk about. I honestly think it would be helpful for you two to start talking about it. It will only make your relationship stronger and more fulfilling, I guess that is just my opinion. I don't know either of you personally, so that might not work for you, but I hope you can figure it out together