[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have been with my husband 11 years and I have always had a greater sex drive than him. But after having kids, its gotten worse. He is content with having sex in the usual way once a month. I would like it a couple times a week. In my 30s now, I am feeling more sexually open and want to explore more. He, on the other hand, doesn't like change. I've tried to suggest different things, I have sexy lingerie that he likes, but nothing. He is just content cuddling while I want sex - any type of sex.

Does he know you have resorted to porn? What is difficult is that you both before you married weren't compatible sexually, it's not after you had children, you state you have "always" had a higher sex drive.

I actually think there is no different in man or woman... They both have different drives, they both have different emotions, but knowing whom you are with and if there is compromise or not? Is highly important.

It sounds as if he doesn't compromise..

Can you talk to us about love? The love you feel you both have for each other, the outings, laughter, etc...

This is not as simple as you think it is not just about "sex drive" you seemed happy enough at one stage.

CW

.....

[sweetyoungthing]

I don't know if my husband has any medical issues. I am just speculating as he is 16 years older than me and there is a natural testosterone decline after age 40. I mean, is it normal to only desire sex once a month? Even when a woman is throwing herself at you, you are more interested in surfing the channels on TV! If your wife put on sexy lingerie, would you continue to sit in front of the TV until you fell asleep instead of coming to bed? I think I have a fairy decent body, althought having kids and breast feeding does some damage that is irreversible. I am not overweight. I work out. I know I can be naggy at times, but I'm really trying to work on it. But getting very little help from my partner in raising the kids can make any woman naggy. I am curious as to how often other married couples have sex.

I am in the same situation....BF is 55 and I am 47...We have sex (if I'm lucky..) about once a month if that...I try oral and i throw myself at him and nothing....always tired he says.

[DreamP346]

CW - we have a good marriage. We love each other, are good parents, financial planners and enjoy each other's company. Before the kids, my husband was content to have sex once a week. I would prefer a little more, and he never turned me away when I initiated. But now that difference is widened significantly where he never makes an actual effort and when I complain that he isn't interested in me sexually, he thinks I am making a big deal out of nothing. It also bothers me that when I complain of his lack of sexual attraction in me, he doesn't seem to make an effort to convince me otherwise.

I am not willing to sit back and just accept that there will be no sex in the relationship. When we have date night, I don't just want to go out and have a nice dinner, I want to be able to come home and make love. Actually, I don't even care if we don't go out to dinner. When the kids are away with family, I want to be able to take that time to just be physical with each other, not just focus on household chores.

I guess I am just really frustrated and don't know how to deal with this since its been going on for a few years now and I just can't take it any more.

[grrrr]

Rowing the same boat - not with porn, but lately cheating in dreams , which might be worse?

[LilahX]

I'm no psychologist, but do a lot of reading and listening - while we usually presume women are the ones who associate emotions with sex, don't put it past a guy to also be affected by how he feels to kill his sex drive. Apart from possibly appearing to nag him about sex, how do you communicate with him about other issues (like helping out with the kids as you mentioned)? It's so easy for us to just be accusatory and nag and complain rather than sit down and talk constructively about things and it's also easy for the recipient of the complaints to just feel worn down and uanppreciated.

Rather than talking to him about your sex life specifically, may be try having a quiet time to talk about your life together in general. If you can both just say how you feel calmsly and be responsive to each other you may aboth discover things that you dind't know where aggravating you both and hopefully you could start to try and find a way to make things better and all aspects of your r/ship might improve. Good luck.

[Tim]

If you think his age and/or ED is a factor, I like to use natural avenues whenever possible to help remedy these things. I'm in his roundabout age range, (a little younger) and maca powder is amazing for libido specifically (indirectly for ED). I use an organic raw powder, and look for low sugar content so I know I'm getting the basic whole food version of maca.

It tastes like "sweet dirt," as I'll say, at first......but I've come to really enjoy the taste a great deal. I put it in my whey smoothies, and it happens to mix with chocolate (I use a just a little bit of organic choc syrup) really well, the two flavors compliment each other awesomely.

I do up to two to three whole heaping tablespoons worth, which is a lot...BUT...the stuff just plain works at these volumes. So well at times, that I have to be careful about when I eat it.

[Guest]

Good advice LilahX. Well worth a try.

[Texasred]

Any updates, SP?
I still think you're describing what could be a medical condition - his apathetic behavior is a classic symptom of "Low-T". Unfortunately, the apathy makes one totally uninterested in seeking a solution to what doesn't appear a problem. A major shake-up may be required - such as suggesting a trial separation...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

CW - we have a good marriage. We love each other, are good parents, financial planners and enjoy each other's company. Before the kids, my husband was content to have sex once a week. I would prefer a little more, and he never turned me away when I initiated. But now that difference is widened significantly where he never makes an actual effort and when I complain that he isn't interested in me sexually, he thinks I am making a big deal out of nothing. It also bothers me that when I complain of his lack of sexual attraction in me, he doesn't seem to make an effort to convince me otherwise.

I am not willing to sit back and just accept that there will be no sex in the relationship. When we have date night, I don't just want to go out and have a nice dinner, I want to be able to come home and make love. Actually, I don't even care if we don't go out to dinner. When the kids are away with family, I want to be able to take that time to just be physical with each other, not just focus on household chores.

I guess I am just really frustrated and don't know how to deal with this since its been going on for a few years now and I just can't take it any more.

I

I think you have to put your foot down somewhat. Even if he had a low sex drive when you both married, and you maybe were'n't as compatible in totality as you thought, he has to compromise, see what marriage is all about and not lose you due to a little thing called "sex" because it's not sex, it's the bonding that you are also after which is marriage.

Maybe, as hard as this sounds, give him that altimatum...

I refused to live in a loveless marriage.. And, I have a fantastic partner now of 2 years..

CW

[DreamP346]

Things are a little better now. After all the talking (some accusatory and others more calm discussions) we are having sex more regularly. Nothing close to what I want, but not the once a month any more. Still mostly in the middle of the night. I also had to do a lot of self searching and ask myself what I would be willing to compromise on. So no wild crazy sex Also, when I initiate, its in the middle of the night since that is when he is more receptive. I am also trying to be more open to the concept of physical contact that does not necessarily lead to sex. Before, if I sat on his lap and started kissing him, I wanted things to progress. But now I satisfy myself with just having had those few moments of intimacy.

The other thing I've been doing is withholding things he likes and only doing them during sexual interactions. So he likes having his head scratched and I'll only do it after intercourse. I feel like I am treating him like a kid, but I feel it works.

I definitely don't feel as sexually frustated as I used to after only having sex once a month for the past few years. Marriage is a compromise. I wish my husband had more of a sexual appetite, but it is the way it is.

I am very familiar with low T because I work on this therapeutic area in my work. Besides the low desire, he doesn't have any of the other classic symptoms. He is also in good health. Its time he goes to his annual check-up and I'm going to ask him to get this T levels tested.