[jns]

Also, to JNS on #11 that says that because he doesn't get sex and have fun in the house, why should he take me out and us do fun things on the outside of the house. If you had read my previous posts you would see that I go to a lot of lengths to make sure he has fun inside the house. I wear what he picks out and asks me to and do everything he wants to try. How is that not letting him have fun? The argument is about quality of sex, just quantity I guess. Also, it's comments like that that start issues of the whole I am going to be mean to him because he is being mean to me. You are insinuating that I am witholding from him because we don't go out and do things together which is far from the truth. He gets far more sex than I get excitement.

What happens is that situations like that don't start out as a reaction from one to the other and then the favor is returned, but they can well end up with the people involved believing they are whether they are or not. You deserve to be taken out and pampered once in a while. It was what happened before and it should happen now even if money is tight, just not as often. At the same time, a wild weekend that seems natural would go far in healing any underlying hurt feelings on his part.

It took me quite some time to put my post together. I even took it over to a word processing program to see more of your first post and my post on the screen at the same time. As such, I didn't incorporate the new posts that occurred after I started on my post.

[dontwanto]

I know that the posts are quite lengthy and can be confusing. Please don't take it as I was jumping at you. I do realize that resentment can build out of all kinds of situations. And I do believe that I do resent the fact, like I said, that we have money to spend on that kind of stuff but not for doing something like going to a concert. I actually got a handgun for my birthday coming up because he loves guns and shooting and that stuff. Now, it interests me too, but not like it does him. I got it in hopes we could go to a shooting range or do something that is exciting that both of us enjoy together. We live in a state where you have to have a license to even go to a shooting range or transport that gun there. I told him I did research and that we would need to take a class and get the license, but he still didn't believe me. I did all of this because I love him and want us both to be happy and fullfill our needs in and out of the bedroom. Plus, I didn't get the gun to go shooting purely for him. I did it because I thought it was something we would both enjoy. I can probably tell you that the guns will sit locked up in a safe until we visit our family in another state to shoot them. It's like anything that has effort, it's too much for him to do. I know he loves me very much, but sometimes I feel he doesn't reciprocate when it comes to fullfilling my needs (not sexually).

[jns]

I can probably tell you that the guns will sit locked up in a safe until we visit our family in another state to shoot them.

I think that this sentence did not come out right.

I applaud you for trying to find something to do together away from things. I love shooting sports, but my wife does not. It almost sounds like you are being too practical, though. Maybe you two should have gone to one of those mud bath spas together. Would he have turned you down if it was for your birthday?

[dontwanto]

[QUOTE=jns;306188]I think that this sentence did not come out right.

LOL. That definitely came out wroge! I meant to shoot there. His parents have lots of acerage and place set up to target shoot. I guess I just want to find something we can do together for both of us to have fun and be excited about. We are best friends, and I want to do everything with him so I thought that might be a way to get out and have some fun, but something we both enjoy.

[Ashlee T.]

We often get so hung up on the "ravenous" (which many of us here know to be often untrue...) sex drive of the male, that we forget that women's sex drives can be different. Look at what is considered sexual peak for a man, versus sexual peak for a woman. We are definitely not on the same page sexually at almost any point in our lives. I, personally, don't consider having sex once a week as denying your husband sex. It also doesn't sound like this once per week sex is "pity sex" as the OP clearly does things to try to please her husband.

As a woman, it is a lot of pressure. As women, we want a man who loves us, cherishes us, treats us with respect, does his fair share. "Most" men aren't expected by their women to be perfectly groomed in a way they like, they aren't expected to "spice things up" by buying expensive uncomfortable lingerie and heels when she gets "bored". "Most" men I know don't have to sit back while their partner routinely gets off to other naked men, wondering why they aren't enough...feeling deceived and betrayed but feeling forced by society to accept it. What most women truly want is very basic and simple. Yes...I said simple. Because it is just that. But it DOES often seem with men, in long term relationships that there is a constant desire for "more". And even that more is not enough to stop them from sneaking to look at porn. In these cases, for the woman, it is the CONSTANT feeling of never being enough. And let me tell you gentlemen, it blows.

I do not believe that the things DontWantTo has laid out in her original posts, are things she feels to the core of her soul. I believe she is a victim of never feeling like she's enough...and therefore in her mind she has developed these reasons as to why she's resentful. She seems to be compromising to give him the things he wants.... but where is the compromise in return? He's basically telling her that if he's not getting sex when he wants it, he doesnt' think he should have to take her out. I find that incredibly sad. I find it incredibly sad that we live in a society in which it seems many men believe they are entitled to sex when and where they want it, that we are supposed to accomodate that because they are MEN and NEED it (all the while having our own needs ignored), that we are supposed to be their naughty sex vixens with ridiculous lingerie and uncomfortable heels but then be totally fine with them watching other women naked for their pleasure. THEN, after all that... these same men are the ones who get jealous if their women have vibrators. Oh the irony.

The OP felt a tremendous amount of pressure. That's why she's resentful. I wish that men such as her husband could realize that THEY make sex a chore...their expectations make sex a source of resentment and frustrations. Women are sexual creatures. We are not born frigid. We have desires and needs...but we often spend so much time feeling SO pressured about the needs of our partner we don't even have time to think about our own, much less have them met.

[maleview]

Thank you for your responses. I guess I did generalize men in most of my statements. I realize that there are women out there that act the same way. I apoligize if I offended anyone. You guys sound like my husband when he says that when I am doing that. And you are both right. I am old enough now to realize that he didn't create my previous bad relationships, and I really try not to put those issues on him. Those reasons I listed above are why I resent sex period. Not why I resent having sex with my husband. I only resent it when he gets mad when he feels he hasn't gotten his fair share.

On another note, I did have a talk with my husband tonight and actually he says he is fine and doesn't have an issue with the amount of sex we are having, and he feels okay about it now. Like I said, we have discussed it in the past and have tried to fullfill each other's wishes. He understands about my son and said he was making a joke about it from the first time. He said it was a bad joke on his choice and opoligized. Like I said, I don't withold from him to punish him at all. I think that I am very willing when I dress up for him, go lingerie shopping with him, wear heels for him, let him pretty much do what he wants in the bedroom. What bothers me is if I make an effort for him this much, it would bother me that he would get upset if he only got sex one that week. He said he has gotten past that and understands.

Also, to JNS on #11 that says that because he doesn't get sex and have fun in the house, why should he take me out and us do fun things on the outside of the house. If you had read my previous posts you would see that I go to a lot of lengths to make sure he has fun inside the house. I wear what he picks out and asks me to and do everything he wants to try. How is that not letting him have fun? The argument is about quality of sex, just quantity I guess. Also, it's comments like that that start issues of the whole I am going to be mean to him because he is being mean to me. You are insinuating that I am witholding from him because we don't go out and do things together which is far from the truth. He gets far more sex than I get excitement.

Also on #13, I am not trying to control his maturbation, but why is it okay for him to do it, but gets mad or jealous if I do? Also, I had never heard of those studies before, but I asked my husband if he had ever heard of this and he said no. So it seems he was masterbating because he likes it and not to save his health.

The reason #13 is an issue is you are using your vibrator and then denying him, he is masturbating after he has been rejected by you. Any spouse (male or female) has a right to be upset if their spouse is masturbating and then denying them sex when they are willing and able. A spouse that denies sex to their partner should not be upset when they seek release on their own. My wife has a vibrator that I have no problem with as long as it is not becoming a substitute for me when I am willing and able. We use it together or she uses it when I am out of town.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Thank you for your responses. I guess I did generalize men in most of my statements. I realize that there are women out there that act the same way. I apoligize if I offended anyone. You guys sound like my husband when he says that when I am doing that. And you are both right. I am old enough now to realize that he didn't create my previous bad relationships, and I really try not to put those issues on him. Those reasons I listed above are why I resent sex period. Not why I resent having sex with my husband. I only resent it when he gets mad when he feels he hasn't gotten his fair share.

It's possible that there are no boundries, or full understanding in your lives as a couple. You have tried yourself to do things that you don't necessarily agree with, but you compromise.. It seems that your husband gets excited over those compromises and consequently wants more, and more, that's normal but there has to be communication here, some boundries, respect and acknowledgement that there is horney but there is also "sensuality", "sexuality" - intimacy, making love because of the burning desire to bond and be close to that person... It's not all about showers and dress ups.

You remember your past but you also don't exactly remember what happened to you at 5 years of age, just an acknowledgement.. You are also taking what happened very much to heart and probably due to what happened when you were 5... You were violated, at such a young age, I am so sorry.. And, boys will be boys, when we are young we can be nieve, believe that a kiss means love, or that the word love is real, when often it's all a game to get sex from us It off course can make you "feel" used yet again and un-worthy when you see marriage and committment as being for ever, no need for any other woman, be it via a magazine, porn, cheating, or creating you to be another woman... In a way you are right but alot boils down to how you are treated and how that makes you feel...

I think men will always have some form of "looking" it's curiousity... And a woman's body is beautiful, let's be honest there. It may be a magazine, or a glance at a woman walking down the street. I think that is important is to acknowledge if it's factual, the love and honesty of that love that a man has for his woman, if you can see that, then he is not like all that you have encountered in your life, and you feel it finally what you have been looking for... Love... in its truest form.

I think that your husband, watching porn, as a consequence wanting you to dress up, purchasing those items instead of taking you out for dinner, when you have little money makes you feel un-loved... And, you see those clothes as dirty... I agree.. Not that they are dirty but, that why wouldn't you feel like that? He has said that the fun is at home, you want romance, he want's titilation... Where do you come into it? Tell him that.

You have compromised for him.. He needs to realise that marriage also involves alot of work, it involves romance, dinners, dates, laughter, fun outside of the bedroom. And, what gets me probably is that if he was to show you the love you crave? You would probably sleep with him 3 times a week as you feel that bond and that it's not just sex, it's bonding and being loved and loving...

On another note, I did have a talk with my husband tonight and actually he says he is fine and doesn't have an issue with the amount of sex we are having, and he feels okay about it now. Like I said, we have discussed it in the past and have tried to fullfill each other's wishes. He understands about my son and said he was making a joke about it from the first time. He said it was a bad joke on his choice and opoligized. Like I said, I don't withold from him to punish him at all.

I think he is a good man, in as much as he doesn't mean to hurt you... He just doesn't know how to obtain what he wants / feels nor how to give you what you want..

You need to sit down and talk about what constitutes a marriage, a relationship, bonding, that sensuality and sexuality are different from being horny, that dates are important, laughter, a stroke on your arm, a kiss on your neck without wanting anything, just because you are beautiful and his woman... And, how that makes a woman feel "if it's real"...

I think that I am very willing when I dress up for him, go lingerie shopping with him, wear heels for him, let him pretty much do what he wants in the bedroom. What bothers me is if I make an effort for him this much, it would bother me that he would get upset if he only got sex one that week. He said he has gotten past that and understands.

He hasn't gotten past that and understands... He feels bad that you have done that, he realises that part. He is not realising again, what constitutes a relationship. Seems as if, you give in, and you go out of your way to please him but the little things, such as a date, is out of the question why? It's part of romance.

This is in my opinion, the word that you are seeking.

Don't resent sex.. You can teach a person how to be with "you", what you deserve, what constitutes respect, a relationship, and still give, but receive as well.. In that bond, union that you see marriage as being, as it actually is..

We are not in the cavemen days.. Women are not toys, to be used purely for sex.. We should be sexual deviates At times, as well as sexy and giving, don't get me wrong but we need to feel that we are loved as well, respected and wanted "outside" of that..

Kind of like the lady outside the bedroom and being treated as such, and the tart in the bedroom as well as the woman , that mixture that makes us in-sinct with each other.

Also, to JNS on #11 that says that because he doesn't get sex and have fun in the house, why should he take me out and us do fun things on the outside of the house. If you had read my previous posts you would see that I go to a lot of lengths to make sure he has fun inside the house. I wear what he picks out and asks me to and do everything he wants to try. How is that not letting him have fun? The argument is about quality of sex, just quantity I guess. Also, it's comments like that that start issues of the whole I am going to be mean to him because he is being mean to me. You are insinuating that I am witholding from him because we don't go out and do things together which is far from the truth. He gets far more sex than I get excitement.

Also on #13, I am not trying to control his maturbation, but why is it okay for him to do it, but gets mad or jealous if I do? Also, I had never heard of those studies before, but I asked my husband if he had ever heard of this and he said no. So it seems he was masterbating because he likes it and not to save his health. [/QUOTE]

[QUOTE]

And for a while there, the once of week involved the whole dress up, heels, lingerie, the whole dirty sex thing. I think a lot of the resentment came in from him was when I had to get up at 4:30am to go to work, but he stayed up to 1:00 am and expected to come to bed and have sex. I always knew when he came to bed early that was why he was coming. I started to get upset because he would stay up playing video games until late, but he could find the time to come to be with me when he wanted it

I think the resentment there is that you feel used.. Knowing a person has to get up in just over 3hrs, is selfish on his behalf, to even consider waking you up for his own self gain... I would crack up myself as well, that's selfish... I do understand that when an urge comes, it comes but considering the other person at that point in time is more important, than the urge...

[Guest]

Sounds like you are reasonable. Men should understand that women may not want to be penetrated with full sex unless they are completely in the mood. Women also need to understand that we men may, and often do, require more frequent sex than them. This may mean that the woman(you) only wants sex once every two weeks for example. If that's the case, talk to your partner about this, but add that, if he needs release more frequently, you will happily relieve him by hand (or mouth) in between full sex sessions. In that way aren't you both then satisfied? Note- if you give him a hand job, don't do it while you are watching the TV. Do it properly with love and enjoyment. In this way your man should feel satisfied and loved.

[ItsASecret]

Men should understand that women may not want to be penetrated with full sex unless they are completely in the mood.

Note- if you give him a hand job, don't do it while you are watching the TV. Do it properly with love and enjoyment.

Kind of a contradictory statement here. If a woman is not in the mood it often means everything. Some may simply not want to have actual sex and are happy to give oral instead on occasion. But a lot of women when they say they are not in the mood it means nothing should be approached at all. In those "not in the mood, moods" we often do not want to think about sex, talk about sex, have it mentioned or alluded to, we are not about to put on a show, we are not in the mood to put on a smile and "do it anyway" it often means women do not want a darned thing lol. So if a woman is in that sort of mood the last thing a guy should do is say "yeah so I was thinking about sex and I need a release so be happy about it and do that for me". Men need to also respect when a woman says she is definitely not in the mood. Treating a girl like must do things at any hint or whim is not the way to go. If she is happy to give oral on most "not in the mood days" instead for example then okay perfect that is the response she has decided to do, but if she is told she needs to do it because he wants it then he should not be upset if there is not that same happy smile on her face after she made it clear she is not in the mood.

[Ashlee T.]

Kind of a contradictory statement here. If a woman is not in the mood it often means everything. Some may simply not want to have actual sex and are happy to give oral instead on occasion. But a lot of women when they say they are not in the mood it means nothing should be approached at all. In those "not in the mood, moods" we often do not want to think about sex, talk about sex, have it mentioned or alluded to, we are not about to put on a show, we are not in the mood to put on a smile and "do it anyway" it often means women do not want a darned thing lol. So if a woman is in that sort of mood the last thing a guy should do is say "yeah so I was thinking about sex and I need a release so be happy about it and do that for me". Men need to also respect when a woman says she is definitely not in the mood. Treating a girl like must do things at any hint or whim is not the way to go. If she is happy to give oral on most "not in the mood days" instead for example then okay perfect that is the response she has decided to do, but if she is told she needs to do it because he wants it then he should not be upset if there is not that same happy smile on her face after she made it clear she is not in the mood.

Totally agree. Anything otherwise turns sex (in any form) into a chore or a responsibility. Sex, as with most things should be able to be enjoyed in moderation. It should not be required a woman "get a man off" every time he gets the urge. And quite honestly, if more men would use more self control in that area instead of having the idea that the urge must mean release, sex with their partners would be improved. I know for me, I can tell when my partner has been taking care of himself alot. I enjoy sex much more when he hasn't, he's more excited, it's more intense and enjoyable.