[dontwanto]

I am having a hard time with my marriage right now. We have been married for 6 years now. I am 41 and my husband is 39. My husband is a wonderful man with great values and is very loving. The only problem we have is we don’t have sex as often as he wants it. This issue arises every 4 or 5 months and is the same issue as he isn’t getting sex as often as we did when we were dating. I wrote this list as sort of therapy to get my reasons out there. I just wanted to share it. It seems most of my reasons are physiological which I have shared all of this information at one time or another with him. You would think that I could just suck it up and be a dutiful wife and have sex whenever he wants it, which makes me more mad that I should have to compromise because men want sex so bad that they would be willing to throw away a marriage and good life all for a piece of tail. I sometimes also feel that when he tries to hug and kiss me he is just doing it to try to get sex because that always leads to him groping me. I just want to feel loved and appreciated for me and not feel threatened to loose my husband all over sex.

Reasons why I resent sex

1. At a young age, I was raised the sex was sacred and only occurred when marriage and you didn’t cheat. But then I found Playboys in my dad’s closet. I was mad at my father because it was like he was cheating on my mom looking at other naked women.

2. Men lie, cheat, and steal just to have sex.

3. Marriages and relationships are destroyed just because someone else wants sex so bad they are willing to cheat. It just reinforces that people and relations are important just the act of sex. People say they love their husbands or wives and then go cheat on them just because they are only getting sex 1 time a week or something like that.

4. Most of the men I have dated, including my first love in high school have cheated on me.

5. My second husband had an affair while I was working another job trying to keep our house out of foreclosure and leaving my son in daycare while he brought a girl to our house.

6. Men feel the need to look at other naked women besides their GF/wives, why? It makes us feel we aren’t good enough.

7. I was molested in some way when I was 4 or 5 years old by some boys in my neighborhood in the woods. My brother and another boy, ages 6 and 7 went to get my parents. My parents took me to the doctor and talked to the other parents, but nothing was ever discovered what happened. I don’t have memories of what exactly happened just of this occurring. The incident that I remember has been confirmed.

8. Men are willing to give up their families just to have sex with someone else.

9. Women use sex to steal your husband or BF just to do it.

10. My loving caring husband gets upset when he doesn’t get sex when he wants it from me.

11. We don’t have money to spend going out to do fun things and get some excitement in my life, but somehow we have the money to buy hooker heels and lingerie, etc. for him.

12. Try to please my husband by watching porn, dressing up for him, wearing dirty lingerie, but feel it’s still not enough for him.

13. Resent that he masturbates when he can’t get sex from me.

14. Resent sex because men covet it so much that they are willing to pay prostitutes, tip strippers, etc. just to see them naked.

[DreamP346]

dontwantto, there seems to be a lot of unresolved issues with your perceptions of sex that have nothing to do with your husband wanting more sex. I would highly recommend dealing with them before being angry at your spouse. See a therapist, talk to a close friend, something to deal with all those negative feelings. Its difficult to see past them and it appears as if it is impacting you current relationship.

Being a woman on the other side of the coin, I can tell you, there is also a lot of negative emotions when your partner that states they love you is not interested in sex as often as you would like. Everytime my husband rejects my advances, I feel horrible. Over the years, it has built a lot of negetive feelings towards him but also on myself. I always prided myself in being very sexually confidence and also in my appearance. Now, I feel really hesitant to make a move in fear of being rejected again and constantly doubt if I'm not doing something right - am I not taking care of my appearance, do I nag too much, am I getting old and he is loosing interest, etc. Its a horrible feeling. I have started to fantasize about other people because fantasizing about my husband hurts too much to know that he will not be interested. I would never cheat on him because I am committed to making this relationship work, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I have also had a previous relationship where I cheated on my boyfriend and it had nothing to do with sex. It was a result of my unhappiness with the relationship and an indirect way of trying to get out of it.

What I'm trying to say is sex is not all physician and there are a lot of emotional components to it for your partner as well. Men and women stray from monogomous relationships for many reasons, not just for sex. Also, sex impact a lot of aspects of the relationship besides just the physical.

[Aeryn Sun]

dontwantto, there seems to be a lot of unresolved issues with your perceptions of sex that have nothing to do with your husband wanting more sex. I would highly recommend dealing with them before being angry at your spouse. See a therapist, talk to a close friend, something to deal with all those negative feelings. Its difficult to see past them and it appears as if it is impacting you current relationship.

I agree with this! From your post it seems like you are holding yourself back from unresolved issues surrounding your dad, the childhood molestation, and your ex-husbands affair. Therapy can help with this, and may be exactly what is needed to help address these issues with your current husband.

In regards to #13, I don't understand how masturbation should play into this. Anyone who has known a baby boy, can see that they find their penis early on, and the fascination lasts a lifetime. Whether you engage in sex or not, I am guessing he masturbates. Whether you are a man or woman, you know your body and how to please it. I don't think there should be shame or limits set by another person to how and when you can please yourself.

[dontwanto]

I do realize that I have a lot of issues surrounding the negative impacts that have influenced my resentments. I do still want to have sex with my husband. It's just not as often as he would like. It's about once a week. And for a while there, the once of week involved the whole dress up, heels, lingerie, the whole dirty sex thing. I think a lot of the resentment came in from him was when I had to get up at 4:30am to go to work, but he stayed up to 1:00 am and expected to come to bed and have sex. I always knew when he came to bed early that was why he was coming. I started to get upset because he would stay up playing video games until late, but he could find the time to come to be with me when he wanted it. First it was just the x-box kinds of games. He would play them in our bedroom and I would watch tv in another room. Then I thought, "well, heck, I would get a game." I started playing online and got my husband to play the same game as I thought this activity would give us something to do in common. That's when he would play for hours upon hours. We have also discussed that my needs for more excitement or a need for us to do things outside of the home. His excuse was that we didn't have the money. That is where the resentment comes in that we find money for lingeries, dirty movies, sexy heels, etc. but not for us to go out and have a good time together. It seems to kind of stem off of theses things. Then the resentment reminds me of how he thinks his getting less sex is more important than me not getting my needs fullfilled. I told him that if I felt more connected to him through us doing activies or things together that I might feel more connected to him sexually. I really am attracted to him and I do try. I tried to do things during the day to get my interest in sex up. Also, I think he doesn't accept so of my rational reasons why we can't have sex when we come back from the gym. We live in small house, only two bedrooms. My son will be 15 in a few days. The shower is right next to his bedroom. We did do this once, but my son was right in the bedroom and I know he can hear everything. I explained that I didn't want to do that again and felt uncomfortable that my son was right there and was definitely old enough to figure out what was going on. Since then, my hubby has made comments several times about doing it in the shower when he is home and every time I have to explain to him why it makes me uncomfortable. We are in the military so we don't live near any family that he can visit for a night like he used to. He doesn't have any close friends he can spend the night with either, so that is out. I feel like he doesn't respect some of the reasons why it makes me uncomfortable about having sex when I know he is asleep and can hear us in the next room.

In regards to #13, I don't understand how masturbation should play into this. Anyone who has known a baby boy, can see that they find their penis early on, and the fascination lasts a lifetime. Whether you engage in sex or not, I am guessing he masturbates. Whether you are a man or woman, you know your body and how to please it. I don't think there should be shame or limits set by another person to how and when you can please yourself.

This is true, but he used to get mad if I used the vibrator that we bought together. He was jealous of it. He would get mad if he found out I would use it and not have sex with him. It's not like I completely stopped having sex with him. It's just not that it is as often as he wants it.

[Guest]

If you like, you could read my reply on "Wife's lake of intimacy" Please remember that, although you don't want sex, your partner needs/wants it. Also realise please that men need to release sperm at regular intervals to keep their prostates healthy. So, by denying him sex (maybe for what you see as good reasons) you are keeping him frustrated and unhealthy. If you had a man's body you would see this situation completley differently. You must both agree a regularity that suits you both as well.

[jns]

I am having a hard time with my marriage right now. We have been married for 6 years now. I am 41 and my husband is 39. My husband is a wonderful man with great values and is very loving. The only problem we have is we don’t have sex as often as he wants it. This issue arises every 4 or 5 months and is the same issue as he isn’t getting sex as often as we did when we were dating. I wrote this list as sort of therapy to get my reasons out there. I just wanted to share it. It seems most of my reasons are physiological which I have shared all of this information at one time or another with him. You would think that I could just suck it up and be a dutiful wife and have sex whenever he wants it, which makes me more mad that I should have to compromise because men want sex so bad that they would be willing to throw away a marriage and good life all for a piece of tail. I sometimes also feel that when he tries to hug and kiss me he is just doing it to try to get sex because that always leads to him groping me. I just want to feel loved and appreciated for me and not feel threatened to loose my husband all over sex.

Reasons why I resent sex

1. At a young age, I was raised the sex was sacred and only occurred when marriage and you didn’t cheat. But then I found Playboys in my dad’s closet. I was mad at my father because it was like he was cheating on my mom looking at other naked women.

2. Men lie, cheat, and steal just to have sex.

3. Marriages and relationships are destroyed just because someone else wants sex so bad they are willing to cheat. It just reinforces that people and relations are important just the act of sex. People say they love their husbands or wives and then go cheat on them just because they are only getting sex 1 time a week or something like that.

4. Most of the men I have dated, including my first love in high school have cheated on me.

5. My second husband had an affair while I was working another job trying to keep our house out of foreclosure and leaving my son in daycare while he brought a girl to our house.

6. Men feel the need to look at other naked women besides their GF/wives, why? It makes us feel we aren’t good enough.

7. I was molested in some way when I was 4 or 5 years old by some boys in my neighborhood in the woods. My brother and another boy, ages 6 and 7 went to get my parents. My parents took me to the doctor and talked to the other parents, but nothing was ever discovered what happened. I don’t have memories of what exactly happened just of this occurring. The incident that I remember has been confirmed.

8. Men are willing to give up their families just to have sex with someone else.

9. Women use sex to steal your husband or BF just to do it.

10. My loving caring husband gets upset when he doesn’t get sex when he wants it from me.

11. We don’t have money to spend going out to do fun things and get some excitement in my life, but somehow we have the money to buy hooker heels and lingerie, etc. for him.

12. Try to please my husband by watching porn, dressing up for him, wearing dirty lingerie, but feel it’s still not enough for him.

13. Resent that he masturbates when he can’t get sex from me.

14. Resent sex because men covet it so much that they are willing to pay prostitutes, tip strippers, etc. just to see them naked.

dontwantto, you have created a self fulfilling fantasy. If you had brought all of these points to bear before your marriages, you would never been married, so in a way you have been deceitful. Mostly they are psychological and while directed at your husband, are originating from other sources.

1. Being resentful of your father. Why should your husband have to pay for this? Get help in coming to terms with it but don't damage your spouse because of it.

2. A gross generalization that denigrates all men. Yes, some men, maybe a lot of men do those things, but not all. I suppose if a women was evil enough she could get almost any guy to finally do one of them or the other no matter how saintly he was in the beginning. A mindset like that is just waiting for the slightest crack to appear in the person you supposedly love and then pouncing. With a mindset like that you should never marry.

3. Some people will cheat no matter how often the sex. Others won't cheat no matter how seldom the sex, even if it never happens. Relationships are about many things and often sex is an important part of that relationship. The problem is when there is a difference of opinion and one side or both sides will not compromise in between their positions. It is the loss of the ability to meaningfully compromise rather than sex itself that is the reason for strife in the relationship.

4. Bringing all of your previous relationships into the current one is going to make the current one complicated. Why should your husband have to deal with this? Again, get help in coming to terms with it but don't damage your spouse because of it.

5. Bringing your second husband into your current relationship is going to make the current one complicated. Why should your husband have to deal with this? Again, get help in coming to terms with it but don't damage your spouse because of it.

6. Another generalization about all men. It is not true about all men. Among those who do like to see such pictures, they get to see the variation. And they get to see the handiwork of highly paid surgeons and photo refinishers. Usually guys are oblivious to the fact that their women dislike the comparisons. Some will quit looking when that is pointed out. Does this apply to your husband? if not, why should he have to deal with it?

7. Again your husband can be supportive about this situation, but he did not cause it. Did you bring this up before you got married so your husband knew this of your background? Why blame this on your spouse, even to a small degree?

8. Another generalization that denigrates all men, even the large number for which this is not true. Why use this bad generalization to bolster negative feelings against your husband. Is he the cause of other people's actions?

9. A bad generalization against women. A few women may engage in such behavior but the vast majority do not. How is this your husband's fault?

10. How often does your husband get sex and how often does he want it? How often do you want sex and how often do you give it? Have you both sat down and discussed these things? Do either of you lead the other on and then cancel plans at the last moment? Have you two tried to compromise?

11. You want him to provide you with excitement and fun outside of the home. He is missing excitement and fun in the home. So you want him to provide for you while you withhold the same from him? Again the word compromise. I don't see it happening and I see the actions of both parties not being for the spouse.

12. Finally something he should appreciate since it is for him as long as your attitude is also good. On this, if he is not appreciative, he needs to be. Bring it up when you are discussing compromises.

13. So you want to control sex and his masturbation. Are you providing enough release for him so his chance of prostate cancer doesn't go up? If not, you are not looking after his well being. Read up about masturbation and prostate cancer in older men.

14. Again back to generalization that aren't true about all men to tear into your spouse. If he is not doing it, why blame him?

[dontwanto]

If you like, you could read my reply on "Wife's lake of intimacy" Please remember that, although you don't want sex, your partner needs/wants it. Also realise please that men need to release sperm at regular intervals to keep their prostates healthy. So, by denying him sex (maybe for what you see as good reasons) you are keeping him frustrated and unhealthy. If you had a man's body you would see this situation completley differently. You must both agree a regularity that suits you both as well.

Actually, I don't feel that I deny him sex. I just don't have sex with him as often as he wants. I don't want him to feel like he is being rejected all the time, and I don't. I just feel that he puts so much pressure on it sometimes. Like the instance when he wants to have sex in the shower, when I have explained why it makes me feel uncomfortable with my son right next door. That is why I do resent it, because I feel like he isn't respecting my feelings or doesn't respect me or have enough respect to understand why I don't want my son hearing us. I will definitely read your post. I do appreciate the comments and help. I just don't want this to come across as that I don't want to have sex with him at all, ever. I do. I just don't want to as often as he does and feel resentment towards it because of the pressure I feel and then you can just feel this tenseness in the air because he couldn't get any.

[DreamP346]

What you present here is very different than what you first posted above. Your first post is something that definitely is something that you need to resolve. In regards to what you post here about your husband, it sounds like you are being very reasonable. It maybe time to sit down and negotiate with him. Depending on your communication styles, maybe even put it in writing. Your goals will be to be more receptive to his sexual advances and his goal would be to romance you more and be more sensitive to your son's presence. Be very specific with what you want him to do. Don't just say "I need you to be more sensitive" but should be more specifics like, no sex in the shower when my son is home, or if you are interested, come to bed on time and romance me, etc. Sometimes putting it in writing helps people see better.

Also, next time he talks about sex in the shower, instead of just saying no, mention your son, then offer an alternative like, "how about we go to bed early and spend some time making out." Give him the opportunity to romance you a bit.

I do realize that I have a lot of issues surrounding the negative impacts that have influenced my resentments. I do still want to have sex with my husband. It's just not as often as he would like. It's about once a week. And for a while there, the once of week involved the whole dress up, heels, lingerie, the whole dirty sex thing. I think a lot of the resentment came in from him was when I had to get up at 4:30am to go to work, but he stayed up to 1:00 am and expected to come to bed and have sex. I always knew when he came to bed early that was why he was coming. I started to get upset because he would stay up playing video games until late, but he could find the time to come to be with me when he wanted it. First it was just the x-box kinds of games. He would play them in our bedroom and I would watch tv in another room. Then I thought, "well, heck, I would get a game." I started playing online and got my husband to play the same game as I thought this activity would give us something to do in common. That's when he would play for hours upon hours. We have also discussed that my needs for more excitement or a need for us to do things outside of the home. His excuse was that we didn't have the money. That is where the resentment comes in that we find money for lingeries, dirty movies, sexy heels, etc. but not for us to go out and have a good time together. It seems to kind of stem off of theses things. Then the resentment reminds me of how he thinks his getting less sex is more important than me not getting my needs fullfilled. I told him that if I felt more connected to him through us doing activies or things together that I might feel more connected to him sexually. I really am attracted to him and I do try. I tried to do things during the day to get my interest in sex up. Also, I think he doesn't accept so of my rational reasons why we can't have sex when we come back from the gym. We live in small house, only two bedrooms. My son will be 15 in a few days. The shower is right next to his bedroom. We did do this once, but my son was right in the bedroom and I know he can hear everything. I explained that I didn't want to do that again and felt uncomfortable that my son was right there and was definitely old enough to figure out what was going on. Since then, my hubby has made comments several times about doing it in the shower when he is home and every time I have to explain to him why it makes me uncomfortable. We are in the military so we don't live near any family that he can visit for a night like he used to. He doesn't have any close friends he can spend the night with either, so that is out. I feel like he doesn't respect some of the reasons why it makes me uncomfortable about having sex when I know he is asleep and can hear us in the next room.



This is true, but he used to get mad if I used the vibrator that we bought together. He was jealous of it. He would get mad if he found out I would use it and not have sex with him. It's not like I completely stopped having sex with him. It's just not that it is as often as he wants it.

[dontwanto]

Thank you for your responses. I guess I did generalize men in most of my statements. I realize that there are women out there that act the same way. I apoligize if I offended anyone. You guys sound like my husband when he says that when I am doing that. And you are both right. I am old enough now to realize that he didn't create my previous bad relationships, and I really try not to put those issues on him. Those reasons I listed above are why I resent sex period. Not why I resent having sex with my husband. I only resent it when he gets mad when he feels he hasn't gotten his fair share.

On another note, I did have a talk with my husband tonight and actually he says he is fine and doesn't have an issue with the amount of sex we are having, and he feels okay about it now. Like I said, we have discussed it in the past and have tried to fullfill each other's wishes. He understands about my son and said he was making a joke about it from the first time. He said it was a bad joke on his choice and opoligized. Like I said, I don't withold from him to punish him at all. I think that I am very willing when I dress up for him, go lingerie shopping with him, wear heels for him, let him pretty much do what he wants in the bedroom. What bothers me is if I make an effort for him this much, it would bother me that he would get upset if he only got sex one that week. He said he has gotten past that and understands.

Also, to JNS on #11 that says that because he doesn't get sex and have fun in the house, why should he take me out and us do fun things on the outside of the house. If you had read my previous posts you would see that I go to a lot of lengths to make sure he has fun inside the house. I wear what he picks out and asks me to and do everything he wants to try. How is that not letting him have fun? The argument is about quality of sex, just quantity I guess. Also, it's comments like that that start issues of the whole I am going to be mean to him because he is being mean to me. You are insinuating that I am witholding from him because we don't go out and do things together which is far from the truth. He gets far more sex than I get excitement.

Also on #13, I am not trying to control his maturbation, but why is it okay for him to do it, but gets mad or jealous if I do? Also, I had never heard of those studies before, but I asked my husband if he had ever heard of this and he said no. So it seems he was masterbating because he likes it and not to save his health.

[dontwanto]

[QUOTE=sp346;306171 Be very specific with what you want him to do. Don't just say "I need you to be more sensitive" but should be more specifics like, no sex in the shower when my son is home, or if you are interested, come to bed on time and romance me, etc. Sometimes putting it in writing helps people see better.

Also, next time he talks about sex in the shower, instead of just saying no, mention your son, then offer an alternative like, "how about we go to bed early and spend some time making out." Give him the opportunity to romance you a bit.[/QUOTE]

Thank you, sp346. That response was thoughtful and insightful. I actually did mention to him the second time he made the comment, and reminded him why I said no because of my son. We actually have good communication with each other and really try to discuss our needs. That is why I get resentful when I do the things he asks of me like the dress up, but it seems that he still hasn't done too much to fullfill my needs outside of the house. But I want to make it very clear, I have never witheld sex from him in order to punish him. I love him very much and would never do anything to deliberatly hurt him. And yes, I know, some of you will say not having sex with him when ever he wants is hurting him.