[Ashlee T.]

Got to take issue with what BD says, "if men could use more self control" - Have you tried having male genitals between your legs?

Meh...I suppose this is one of those questions you already know the answer to, as it's extreme to the point of almost ridiculousness, though asked in a yes or no form to "prove a point". It proves nothing. Of course I have never had male genitalia. *rolling eyes* It does NOT, however, change the fact that every human being on this planet needs to be taught, from birth, self control. This does not mean deprive yourself of sexual satisfaction. It DOES mean that you should not find yourself believing it is your womans duty to "relieve" you upon every sexual whim. We are not robots.

but eventually he will get fed up and look elsewhere if he believes she doesn't care about his sexual needs.

This is a totally different situation from what the OP posted about. This is a woman who clearly does not dismiss her husbands sexual needs. She just doesn't want it as often as he does. Sex has become the focus, everything is about sex. She is compromising, she is doing things she doesn't even want to do to try to please him. And it's not enough. That is not a woman who dismisses her husbands sexual needs.

It is consistently implied that men, by nature, have this ravenous drive for sex that we women just can't understand. That, as many women here can vouch for, is total hogwash. One thing we DO identify with is the power of hormones because ours are going bonkers on a pretty continual basis. Take a look around at how many women are not being sexually pleased by their partners. Or how many women are dealing with partners that don't want sex with them at all. They are EVERYWHERE.

I am also not sure why a man doing "chores" or "helping" out with his own children even plays in to this conversation. If a man is doing his fair share around the house and assisting as any partner should in the care of his own children, I don't see that as him doing anyone a favor. I see it as him pulling his weight, him being a responsible adult. This has ZERO to do with sex.

Teenie - while I agree with you on some of your points,

If he didn't love you, he wouldn't be chasing you for sex, it's really a sign of love, not a man being a pig

I just can't go for this one. We've all dated men that chased us (and only us at the time) for sex when they clearly didn't love us. Many of us have been with a man who put his own sexual desire over our physical well being or comfort (I was in a serious relationship with a man who constantly pursued me for sex when he KNEW I was experiencing a ruptured ovarian cyst and that sex resulted in severe cramping. He wasn't a jerk of a guy. But he should had his priorities mixed up.) OP's husband has clearly prioritized sex over most everything else in their relationship, and THIS is a major problem. From experience, a man simply wanting sex from me does NOT make me feel loved and sexy. Him respecting me, treating me special, being romantic and loving, dependable, honest, trustworthy, passionate towards me and sex being icing on that awesome cake, DOES make me feel loved and sexy. OP is missing out on MOST of those things I listed if not all. Yet she loves him enough to try more, do more things, try hard to please him only to be told it's not enough.

[dlanier248]

Just to add, so that people understand what I'm saying. I'm referring to a situation where the man is denied sex for weeks/months on end. The woman has a bad time at work, is tired, is going through hormonal changes etc etc. I'm saying that for whatever reason it is that she cannot/will not have sex (over these weeks/months) she should still be making sure that her man is having a loving release. This I believe is not too much to ask. But I bet you the majority of women who go off sex for these long periods just do nothing about giving even a hand job to their men, unless they are asked. This to me is unreasonable and this is what I mean about a person (man or woman) not caring about the other's sexual needs when they don't want sex themselves. I have found that a lot of women are very complacent about this. Then they wonder why their man goes off and has sex with a woman that does want sex with them. A good man will stick with his partner for quite a while, but eventually he will get fed up and look elsewhere if he believes she doesn't care about his sexual needs.

Amen... I went 5 1/2 months last year without because my wife had a hundred reasons why she could not take 5-10mins to "help" me. But she wants me to take care of all her NON-sexual needs. Car, house, phone, concerts..etc.. and Yes I do house work.. every day!!! I love my wife, but the MALE ANIMAL in me really needs to let loose. She has not concept of this at all.

[Ashlee T.]

I went 5 1/2 months last year without because my wife had a hundred reasons why she could not take 5-10mins to "help" me

Again....having to go without is tough and stinks for anyone, whether male or female. HOWEVER, let's keep to the point here which is that the OP is not withholding sex from her partner.

With that said, "non sexual" needs for most women do not include things like: car, phone, house. They do, however, include romance, love, honesty, loyalty, respect, dependability. Housework and bill paying has ZERO to do with this. Now....if your wife does not work and you are totally financially supporting her, your willingness to do so DOES fit into the whole "love, respect, dependability" category. But if it's just "I help her with bills, I help around the house, I help take care of the kids" then those are not things that should result in an expectation of reward whether sex or otherwise. Those are just responsibilities, whether man or woman.

[dlanier248]

I read this thread for several reasons, to see opinions of the problem listed. It sounds to me like she is going out of her way to give to her husband and they have sat down and worked out a compromise that hope will work for them. I am happy for them both. 1st, she has a job, but it is self-employed type that can not hardly pay for her gas, drinks and cigarettes for a week. We have no children at home. Romantic dinners are a no go on her end because "it leads to sex". example, last night. wife "I sure could use a rub down, including my feet". "No problem, where you want to get and what do you want me to use"? I meant what kind of oil or lotion. Her response was "get your mind out the gutter." she has bought rubbing oil just for back rubs, but yet I was the dirty mind because I asked what she wanted me to use. =-) I love my wife, please don't get me wrong. But a Man needs sex, even just once a month... lol

[Guest]

dlanier248 - You speak for a lot of men. I'm glad you support what I said. (yes, this poster does want sex, but there is a lot of resentment to the man for wanting sex more often than she is comfortable with) Maybe you should open up a thread of your own on this topic of no sex so that both men and women can all have their say? Your thread could be "how long should a man go without sex with/from his partner before he looks elsewhere" maybe??

[Ashlee T.]

If a partner decides to "look elsewhere" that should follow filing for divorce. Otherwise, there is no excuse for looking elsewhere. IMO.

[ItsASecret]

Your thread could be "how long should a man go without sex with/from his partner before he looks elsewhere" maybe??

If a partner decides to "look elsewhere" that should follow filing for divorce. Otherwise, there is no excuse for looking elsewhere. IMO.

Completely agree. If my future husband started to get upset that sex was not happening enough, we talked it through and made compromises with true effort, and still he was upset that sex was not happening the way he wanted it to and said "well hun I went out to the bar and had sex with another girl one night sorry" I would file for divorce I would make it would not be a quiet one. I am a woman of zero sympathy when it comes to cheating, I would never in a million years forgive cheating, I will work toward compromises but any cheating is a complete lack of respect in my eyes. If the marriage does not work for other reasons and it leads to divorce then so be it, no need to make it a nightmare, but if cheating comes into play I would cause real problems for him because of my thoughts on the cowardly act. If a man truly is not happy then he should leave well before he considers cheating.

[Guest]

What if you talked it through and you were absolutely not going to budge. You wanted almost no sex at all (e.g) and he was frustrated. Would you suggest he went elsewhere? How long do you think is reasonable for one partner to deny sex to the other and still keep a full relationship ? One month, six months, six years? If your husband was still upset how would you deal with it?

[ItsASecret]

What if you talked it through and you were absolutely not going to budge.

If talking still did not work then I would consider divorce, and he should as well. There is no excuse for cheating, I believe it is wrong through and through and if someone cannot see it the relationship working then divorce should be followed through before cheating.

[dlanier248]

If talking still did not work then I would consider divorce, and he should as well. There is no excuse for cheating, I believe it is wrong through and through and if someone cannot see it the relationship working then divorce should be followed through before cheating.

I believe cheating is wrong too and I know it would put and end to my marriage. But I have needs, she needs to compromise when we start talking MONTHS without, even then it is a quickie. I think my wife resents sex because it is expected now. We have come really close to divorcing, but we have both put effert into it. Me mroe than her in my eyes.