[Stillness]

So you think preference in the bedroom translates into disposition outside of it? A person can't be a "lady on the street and a freak between the sheets"? And isn't it the bosses that like to be dominated.

[rcoreyus]

I don't think there is any correlation in and out of the bedroom (though I'm happy to hear other opinions). I've even heard that people who have a lot of responsibilities in their lives enjoy having someone else take responsibility for what happens in bed - to the extent that there is this concept of high powered executives hiring dominatrixes.

There may be correlation between wanting to take charge in the bedroom, and wanting to take charge for other types of entertainment. Some people who are passive may do so with the (often incorrect based on this pool) idea that they are doing what their partner's want.

[Stillness]

Well, I think this is a great question. I don't think I ever really thought about who's "in charge" in the bedroom. It's a good thing to think about, because if you're bossy your partner could be missing out on self-expression, but if you're passsive it could make them feel like you're not into it or just doing it to please them.

I'm definitely in charge in our relationship, but I'm very easy-going and not a bossy or demanding person in any aspect of my life. My wife and I were friends and study partners for years before we dated. I find that she has always deferred to me since our romantic relationship started, which has taken some getting used to and can still end up in, "What do you wanna do?" "I don't know, what do you wanna do?" with any decision. Most of the time, I don't really consider my role as the one in charge as it all feels pretty "organic." I think of us more as friends and partners. As my partner, I just want her to get what she wants out of the deal - in the bedroom and out. And I want to know she's getting it.

I wonder how she would answer this question...My guess is that she'd say, "I don't know, who do you want to be in charge?" and then ask me when I'm going to paint the kitchen.

[SaharaJim]

I wonder how she would answer this question...My guess is that she'd say, "I don't know, who do you want to be in charge?" and then ask me when I'm going to paint the kitchen.

Not to start a "ruckus"; but are you sure you are really in "charge" here? "Who do you want to be in charge"...pat pat on your head "Off course you are dear...you are so big strong and masculine"" Now I want the Kitchen painted ASAP!"

[DreamP346]

What we do in the bedroom is influenced a lot by our perceptions of sexuality and gender. The Victorian mentality that women do not want sex is still very prevelant today and women grow up learning not to be sexually aggressive. Many women are still very passive in the bedroom. At the same time, most men I have been with love the take charge woman because it is rare to encounter them.

What we do in the bedroom can often be very different from the personality we display in public, because sex can be a role play game. People are acting out fantasies and unlikely situations. People who practice BDSM don't want to be captured by a pervert and tortured in their dungeons. But they enjoy pain and submission with a partner in a controlled environment. Maybe that is why high powered executives visit dominatrix.

There is also the element of giving your partner pleasure. When the dominant partner takes control and uses the other partners body for their pleasure, it is a source of pleasure for the submissive partner. This has nothing to do with whether you are a leader or follower in public.

[DreamP346]

Interesting that no one likes to be the one who always "takes charge", but some like their partners to do so.

Taking charge is actually hard. In the BDSM community, finding a good dom is harder than finding a good sub. Its easier to let things happen to your than actively trying to do things to others.

[Stillness]

"Off course you are dear...you are so big strong and masculine"" Now I want the Kitchen painted ASAP!"

Funny. I asked her one time after she asked me to haul something in the house if she thinks I'm her mule and she looked at me like, "Do you think you're not?" It's like in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when the mother says, "Yes your father is the head, but I'm the neck and the neck turns the head where it needs to go." I know I'm in charge because she told me I cold be.

[chaya]

I like to "take charge" because when I'm on top I can avoid most of the pain caused by deep penetration.

[Stillness]

Chaya's comment raises the question of what "take charge" means in my mind, rcoreyus.

Is the person on top necessarily in charge? Does "in charge" mean you choose the position/nature of the sex? Does not being in charge mean you passively lay there or only do what you're told? Because, even if someone says, "Let's do it like this," I don't think it means the other person doesn't improvise and match and switch rythyms or maybe even say later, "Ok, now let's try something else." Is the person who says, "Let's do it like this" even in charge? If no one's in charge, does that mean lovemaking is more natural and the two flow as one without completely conscious decisions being made? I'm almost thinking I want to change my answer to "no one's in charge" if that's what it means. I like to do whatever we feel like doing.

[rcoreyus]

As with a lot of my questions, I'm not sure its well defined - really just trying to start a discussion. My feeling is that in some cases one person has control over the action. This can include deciding what to do next. If the person on top is also deciding how fast and for how long - I'd call that taking charge as well. Really though I don't think its about actions so much as attitude.