[El Carne!]

Hi everyone

I'm a dude...sorry...I was looking at a few forums and this one seemed the coolest. Me and my girlfriend are in our late 20's.

This issue I'm having has evolved beyond the point where I'm comfortable bringing it up with my buddies (am a male here), and I don't have any lady friends with whom I'm comfortable enough with...no way in heck I'm bringing this to mom. So I figured maybe somebody would point me in the right direction here.

Me and my girl have been together for like 5 years...sex life has gone on a downward spiral in terms of frequency (we've had issues--I'll spare you, it's not the issue), so now when we do it, it's because she's feeling it, or I did a good job building it up because I needed it (keep in mind sometimes months pass between here). Things have gone relatively successfully in terms of us both being satisfied--except the last time, when neither of us were successful in that. Lately, she's been extremely to the point, wanting to get straight to intercourse. It's like she sees an invisible timer in her head and she's trying to beat the clock. She's not interested in foreplay at all, even though I've proven to her that it can lead to crazy awesome things. This has been consistent for a couple years now, probably. So we go full blast or whatever (feel so ridiculous LMAO), and her getting off basically is way less consistent than I know it would be if she'd be down for some foreplay.

When I try to talk to her about it, she ignores me, or changes the subject. I know her well enough to know that unfortunately, prying further at that point will only get her upset or angry. So my questions:
1. Why do you think she went from loving foreplay to insisting on skipping it? Even when she's really in the mood, she insists on skipping it.
2. What can I say/do to make her calm down and just stop and smell the roses, for her own sake? My knee-jerk reaction was feeling like "lord she is not into me", but unless I'm way, way off with my understanding of her (I'm confident here lol), that's not the case. That puts me at a loss as to what to say or do to start moving this back towards where we were through the first 1/2 of our relationship.

Hopefully not too many edits to come...*sigh*
edit: four asterisk auto-censor on a three letter word lol

Thanks for your time!!!

[jns]

I would say that she is not that into sex with you. She may be into you for other reasons. Sex is now a chore that is to be done with as soon as possible. Probably those issues that you didn't talk about have something to do with it. She does not want to experience pleasure from sex.

You need to have a deep conversation about what is up. If the issues aren't brought up and dealt with, it will only get worse.

[Hopeless Dork]

Has anything changed with her self-esteem lately? Has she put on weight, or been feeling insecure in anyway? Some women are uncomfortable with foreplay (even where great pleasure is being offered) because they are feeling like they do not want to be the focus of the attention.

For me, about half the time I want foreplay and build up, I want to be the center of attention and I want to enjoy the entire experience. Usually thats on nights I am feeling particularly sexy, etc.

Some nights, I am not feeling too good about myself and just want to skip all that, other times i'm feeling fine about myself and still want to skip all that and get to the dinner

If the foreplay is routine, like a series of steps that happen. Perhaps switch it up and do some mental foreplay and teasing, via sexy messages or calls during the day. Flirting. Telling her how sexy she is to you. Some men have no idea what the benefit is to them to make the woman in their life feel desired, but I'll tell you... when I feel hot to my man, it serves him greatly

[BabyGirl]

I don't know what your other parts of the relationship is. Like Kids, Marriages, past Marriages ?
She may just want a Commitment and a Child with you.

Have you talked about a Future together ?

In her mind, it may be deeply integrated. Sex is Kid, Kid is Commitment, Sex without the Goal of Kid, is Just sex.. Get it over with .

Some people can excite their Married or Committed sexual relationship by Planning for a Future offspring., Ingratiating practices for it , ( even 5 years ahead ) Like lets play.. Sometimes You just may have to get " Control " and Play and Tease with her.

This can be done by several things, Chick Flicks, putting your arm over her while on the Couch. Catching a " feel ' or even kissing her when the Dude in the Movie does . A little Play and Catch, as I call it.

Watch her face during the movie, watch her breathing and movements. if she snuggles during violent scenes. Comfort her, if she draws away, Recognize why and when she is in the Mood for the " Big Salami ".

Being a woman, I watch some " Chick Flicks" and read some of the Novels. I end up crying, trying to help others, Wanting something so tender again. Complaining on " how I could have Learned SOONER ..
And then ..Yes .. even * 50 plus , I get horny and attracted to guys that ask.., but I still stop on Dating and Sex. Due to I want to be a Mate, not a Drop & Stop.

But if I wanted a guy.. Even at my age, I'd make sure. that even Cuddling would be a reason to have him Happy

[DSemcho]

It's possible she never liked foreplay to begin with and just did it to make you happy. My husband is not into foreplay at all, but as a woman I sometimes need it to get the "juices flowing" - pun intended. And sometimes he does do some foreplay for my sake. But sometimes I'm just so horny on my own that I cannot wait for him to do foreplay and just want to get right to the act. So there are three possibilities, A- Sex isn't that interesting to her and she's just doing it to keep the relationship going, B- You suck at foreplay and she never wanted to tell you that before because she didn't want to hurt your feelings or C- She's so turned on by you that she doesn't even need foreplay to get going.

[El Carne!]

DOH!!!! I spent all this time typing a huge response, and it got whiped out somehow. Arg.

Thanks everyone for your responses and help.

I have to shorten this up...don't have the energy for the whole story all over again. Basically our romantic relationship is in shambles and we're not really dating, just friends with benefits--BUT we've been hat way for 2 years now (started dating in 2005), and we are still exclusive to eachother sexually despite being broken up that long. I know it's unhealthy, but I love her and can't help myself from staying and trying to regain what we had, no matter how futile it might be in reality.

Intimacy levels I don't think are an issue because we've done some naughty things sexually--foreplay would be way lower on the list of "things you wouldn't do with someone you don't love/trust". I could be wrong, of course--that would be the answer...my gut tells me it's not, though.

She knows for a fact that foreplay is an awesome way for her to get off--I'm no expert but I've been very successful with her. Sex will last for an hour or two with us sometimes, and that's simply because it takes her way longer to get off without the foreplay--she just doesn't seem to get it through her head? Whenever I get her turned on she insists that we skip straight to the main deal, and she gets frustrated if I try to go on with anything other than intercourse, but it seems to me that she needs to be turned on even more, and for a longer period of time before intercourse. I have issues with causing discomfort with her if I go too deep (not bragging, I'm an average joe)...it seems to be pure impatience.

So individually (thank you again everyone)

Dsencho: It's not 'A' since the relationship is already "done" and I wait for her to come to me for sex 90% of the time. It could be B, but I've been "hit or miss" at the very very least. And when it's a hit, it's incredible. I think it might be C, except that she's not so turned on by me necessarily, just turned on in general.

Babygirl - When our romantic relationship was strong, we didn't talk about it, but she hates my family to death. HATES them. They're not necessarily bad people, but she's very judgemental--I forgive her for it, after all my family is a lil nuts, but nothing terrible--that would be a huge obstacle for marriage and maybe it did contribute to her losing some love for me. Neither of us want kids yet--I sense we both feel that might change if we got back together and I were to like...double my income? LOL...workin on it.

Hopeless Dork - you hit it on the head...self esteem issues are rampant due to some stupid weight gain. I am still into her, she knows this is true because she knows if I'm lying (which sucks for me, but I can prove that I'm genuine to her too). I try flirting and stuff but I feel this self-esteem issue prevents her from running with it. We are both trying to help her--and myself while I'm at it (physical condition. I'm just a little scrawny). BUT the foreplay thing became routinely snuffed out a while after the weight issue appeared.

jns - You're probably right about her not being into sex with me. But she's completely comfortable with me, she knows I'm comfortable with her body, and she's willing to go through a lot of effort to get off, so you'd think she'd be ok with me going down on her a little bit so she can get off quicker.

I have a hunch that her personality type being really driven and to the point, her getting easily distracted, and her not feeling sexy about her own body are the culprits here. I don't feel like it's a "lacking of intimate feelings" deal. That's my gut, and my knowledge of her talking. She's not like other girls I've known, but then again every guys says that...which is why I'm here! Thanks again for your time...any other ideas? LOL. Oh yeah, we buy toys and stuff, but she only wants to use them during intercourse itself. She doesn't want me messing around with them unless it's during actual intercourse. So frustrating.

[El Carne!]

I should add this too...sorry I couldn't edit my post

I guess it's gonna seem blatantly obvious to a lot of people that the intimacy disaster that is this relationship, combined with self-esteem is causing this issue (I have a hunch it's not but it doesn't even make sense to me)...I'm working on those things, but we're gonna wind up having sex before any of that is resolved. So what should I try with that in mind? That's kinda why I made a post for this and didn't just read up on previous ones that are very similar--I feel like there's a unique element here.

[Peacheskreme]

hmm. Leave her little notes under her pillow about things you like about her. Leave them places she will look. Maybe when you leave you can write something sexy about her with a dry erase marker on a mirror. Maybe both in ways that won't make her think you are full of ****, but reinforce the things you do like about her or things she does that you appreciate. Maybe your favorite part of her body or just her mind. Just encourage her and make her smile more. The more laughs, the more fun time.

[shoshannah]

It's hard to tell what is going on in her head since we don't know her, and we can only see her through your eyes. If she won't talk to you about it, it's also hard for you to figure it out. The solution is to get her to talk to you about it somehow.

Also, exactly what is it you want? Is it to get the sexual part of the relationship back to where it was, or does it have more to do with the entire relationship? Either way, if one of you is dissatisfied with how things are going, then either one of you has to adjust, or both of you have to work together to fix the problem, or the dissatisfied one has to accept things the way they are.

So start by assuming that she isn't going to change and will not agree to discuss the problem. Would you continue to stay with her? If not, I think you need to let her know that. That will at least let her know that this is a serious problem for you. If she doesn't want you to leave, then that will force her to face the problem and work with you to solve it.

If you are willing to stay with her even if she doesn't change, it might be good to tell her this too, or it might not. On the one hand, if she understands that this is a big deal to you but you're willing to put up with it for the sake of staying with her, it might move her to put some skin in the game as well and work to fix the problem. On the other hand, it may make her take you for granted, knowing that she can have things the way she wants without losing you.

[El Carne!]

hmm. Leave her little notes under her pillow about things you like about her. Leave them places she will look. Maybe when you leave you can write something sexy about her with a dry erase marker on a mirror. Maybe both in ways that won't make her think you are full of ****, but reinforce the things you do like about her or things she does that you appreciate. Maybe your favorite part of her body or just her mind. Just encourage her and make her smile more. The more laughs, the more fun time.

Awesome! Thank you for that. I couldn't get my thick head past flowers.

*Shoshannah: As for what I want, in a totally ideal situation, our feelings of affection towards one another would return to what they were for the first half of our relationship. However this is not realistic, because she idealized me quite a bit. Once she knew me well enough to see that I didn't fit her idealizations, things changed for her. I didn't necessarily idealize her much, but I was way less specific in my wants/needs. I don't like her being judgemental of my family, but I will somehow forgive her and work it out--I hope she views my shortcomings in the same way. I'm striving to become the things she's looking for --vague though her descriptions are to me-- because they are things that I will benefit from in general, as well. But even if I reach all my goals, I somehow don't think things go back to puppy love.

Realistically (long term), I'd be happy with us getting back together and just having equal feelings of love for one-another. Right now it's disproportionate, what with me chasing after her and her standing by, continuously kind of borrowing me time to sweep her off her feet somehow. I'd better do it before someone else does.

Right now though, all I want is to give her a more fulfilling experience in bed. That's all I'm looking to get insight on here. The other things come attached with it, I suppose. I feel like my situation is very fragile...she's told me that I have no current competition, preemptively guessing that I was feeling nervous/jealous recently, so that was reassuring. But you don't switch relationship status for no reason, ya know? I don't want to make a ton of noise unless I know exactly what I'm doing and why. I'm hoping I can fix this temporary foreplay issue without doing that, and get back to slowly (hopefully not so slowly) repairing this relationship's other aspects.

Thanks for the input!