[stevesheels]

I am a 40 year-old married man who has been married for 12 years - together for 16. When I first met my wife, she had a voracious appetite for sex and since my drive was also strong we had an amazing sex life right from the beginning of our relationship. Over the course of our marriage, I've seen her interest in sex decline gradually to the point where she doesn't even have an interest anymore. I treat her very well, provide most of the financial responsibility of our household, and make sure that I continue to take her out on dates, buy small gifts for her, bring her flowers, etc. I also make sure that I share equally with the household chores and cleaning and I've even started doing more thinking that she might feel more inclined to "reward" me for doing a bigger than usual share. I compliment her on her beauty quite often as well because even though she has gained some weight since we got married, I still think she's sexy and I tell her so frequently. But in spite of all these efforts, when I try to initiate sex, my wife participates through the foreplay and then tells me that she just doesn't feel like having sex or is too tired. She still enjoys kissing and receiving massages from me and offers to give me oral sex - which I accept - but that's as far as she goes. My wife still tells me she finds me physically attractive and I exercise regularly to keep fit and stay attractive to her.

We have had many discussions about this subject and my wife knows how frustrated I have become but she just no longer has the interest in sex that she once had. She has talked to her doctor about this problem and has tried many different anti-depressant medicines but none of them have helped and several of them have even made the problem worse.

If we had other problems in our marriage, I wouldn't hesitate to leave the marriage because we have no kids together but except for the sexual incompatibility our marriage is good. We have quite a few things in common, are the best of friends, and simply enjoy spending time together.

After quite a bit of thought I have decided to stay in the marriage because I still love my wife and believe that marriage is a life-long commitment. But at the same time, I know that if I don't have sex I will be missing out on a very important part of my life. So the only solution I have been able to come up with is trying to find a married woman who is in the same situation that I am in and have an affair with. I know this is wrong and most of the women on here will disagree with this decision and think that I'm a bad man to even think of doing this but the truth is that I feel that I'm forced to find someone if I'm interested in saving my marriage because I know that I cannot live without sex any longer. I asked my wife for an "open" marriage and she said no. So as much as I don't want to cheat, I know that I have no choice if I want to stay married.

Now that I know that I want to find a married woman who is also stuck in a sexless marriage, the hard part is that I don't know how to find such a woman locally. The only married women I know are also friends of my wife. Any suggestions?

[Element]

After a discussion with my boyfriend, my reply is going to be blunt and short. Have you tried asking your wife to grunt and bear it once a week? Does she have a hormone imbalance that is killing her sex drive? Is it at all possible that she is stepping out on the marriage for her 'needs' and that is why she doesn't sleep with you anymore?

From the sounds of your post, this isn't a new problem. You have gone through the steps, she's seen a doctor, you treat her right, you sound like you've bore it for as long as you can. Sex is no small thing, especially in a marriage. While I have no idea where you can find another woman to sleep with, if the problem is honestly this severe, then tell her how important it is to you and to your marriage and tell her to go out of her way to satisfy your needs once a week or once every couple of weeks, or you'll have to look for release else where.

Ultimately, lying, deceiving, sneaking around and having a guilt ridden heart is nothing to have in a marriage.

[Stillness]

So the only solution I have been able to come up with is trying to find a married woman who is in the same situation that I am in and have an affair with...I feel that I'm forced to find someone if I'm interested in saving my marriage because I know that I cannot live without sex any longer...So as much as I don't want to cheat, I know that I have no choice if I want to stay married.

Welcome. Does your wife know how desperate a situation you two are in? A lot of people seem to be clueless on this issue. It's not enough to just say you're not satisfied, you have to let her know how frustrated you are. Don't be threatening, but let her know what you just told us. She deserves to know. Cheating won't save your marriage. It will destroy it or make it a sham.

A lot of us (men and women) deal with mates with a lower sex drive. There are a lot of posts and threads on this site discussing it. Look around. Maybe you'll find something that will help you out. Sometimes just reading about other people's situations can give you strength.

[jns]

If we had other problems in our marriage, I wouldn't hesitate to leave the marriage because we have no kids together but except for the sexual incompatibility our marriage is good.
...
After quite a bit of thought I have decided to stay in the marriage because I still love my wife and believe that marriage is a life-long commitment.

steve, these two sentences are one of the inconsistencies in your writing. Another is about her weight: "I compliment her on her beauty quite often as well because even though she has gained some weight since we got married, I still think she's sexy and I tell her so frequently." She can pick up on your wavering allegiance and that may have something to do with your situation. I have also noted in other threads that taking over some of the other's portion of the household chores rarely ever is rewarded by a better sex life.

Like Stillness said, have a heart to heart talk with her so she knows what you are thinking. Find out if she is OK with her lack of desire causing you to not have even a minimal sex life (with intercourse) which is what you desire at a minimum. Also, be thankful that she still gives you oral sex.

[acerousme]

wow! amazing answers everyone!!!

I agree with everyone above...talk to her about it. Cheating would rip her heart out, and since you still love her, I don't think you want to do that.


Or...go relax in front of the computer...and by relax I mean..."relax"

[stevesheels]

Thank you all for the answers you gave and I want to respond to what each of you have written. Element, your suggestion of asking my wife to sleep with me at least once a week is a good one but it's something I've already done to no avail. And my wife already knows that I've had as much as I can take and I've told her many times that if things don't change soon, I'll need to find someone else. You would think that this would be enough motivation for my wife, but it isn't. As far as the possibility that my wife is having her "needs" met elsewhere, that is definitely possible but I think unlikely because I haven't gotten any signs whatsoever that she is seeing someone.

And Stillness, I've already communicated with my wife AD NAUSEAM about this issue and she knows how frustrated I am with the situation. I'm not the typical husband who "holds things in" and doesn't communicate my needs with my wife. I'm just the opposite. I'm very honest and open with my communication with her and I've told her many, many times. But as much as it has hurt me that the situation has not improved, I still love my wife and that is why I have continued to stay in the marriage. I know cheating won't save my marriage but it may save my sanity and I don't think living with the guilt will be any worse than living this frustrated.

And JNS, you can't blame me for my wife's lost of interest. I show my wife through my words AND actions everyday how much I am attracted to her physically and how much I desire her. I never bring up the fact that she has gained some weight because it hasn't affected my interest to her or my attraction to her. I only mentioned that my wife's weight gain as an example of how consistent my attraction to my wife has been and how consistently strong my sex drive has been over the course of our marriage. I feel betrayed by my wife because she married me with a very strong drive and it's gradually disappeared to nothing.

[Hugo-B]

Anyone (with a functioning sex drive) will eventually cheat if you ask them to stay in a sexless relationship long enough.

It sounds like you've already psychologically made your mind up to cheat, your question was more 'HOW' do I cheat, not 'should' do I cheat. If you have truly explored and exhausted all options you have 3 choices, neither appealing if you truly love your wife still, 1) make the most of the blow-jobs and stay in a sexless marriage, or 2) leave her ad find someone else, 3) stay and get sex elsewhere.

When did the sex stop? Does your wife work? Has her behavior changed, or did it start to change? Did she ever start suddenly making more effort with her appearance? Did she ever start dropping a particular name into conversation? These COULD POSSIBLY be signs of her cheating; women are MUCH better liars than men. From what you say there is no suspicion, so she may well not be cheating.

How long has it been since you last slept together?

[Hugo-B]

I wasn't going to say this, but I've decided to add this bit in now in the hope that the advice is of some assistance to you.

Firstly, if you have made you mind up to cheat (which I think you have) then by going ahead you're already well into damage control. I'll answer your question, which was a disguised 'how do I cheat?'. You asked how to find a married woman for sex, my advice is - don't bother, that's (potentially) two marriages ruined - yours sounds like it's on the rocks, don't jeopardize someone else's too for the sake of your own needs. Risking on is more than enough.

The odds of finding 'NSA' sex with a married women are slim to none, complications will soon arise; sex with a single women will cause you even more trouble (she'll expect you to leave your wife if it becomes regular, no self respecting women will allow herself to be your 'bit on the side').

The simplest way for you to go and enjoy some purely physical sex, void of the emotional element of cheating would be to go and pay for it. Be sure to make sure it's safe of course (use condoms), you'll get your rocks off with the MINIMUM of hassle and complication.

There will be no emotional element to it, which may well be important to you, especially if you love your wife still. This will buy you some time to keep working on the problem without going mad and having to please yourself everyday like a 14 year old boy.

Let me be clear, I'm not advising you do this. I'm saying IF YOU choose to cheat - and go ahead and act upon it - then you're already well into damage control, and this is how I personally would deal with it, not by sleeping with another man's wife.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

They are all fantastic reponses to you.

Buddaboy hit the nail on the head.

I just read the heading .. "How can I find a woman who is also stuck in a sexless marriage and lives in my area? "

I agree with Buddaboy you have made your mind up and I feel sad about that and the responses you have recieved that are very good.

I would like you to re-read and re-consider.

A marriage in not non-retrievable unless you make it non-retrievable do you want to never see her ever again?

Imagine this.

You go off do your thing.

She, after all the pain, hurt find someone who makes her feel that she is beautiful and so she moves on and bang. Never in your live can you ever have this woman again, ever.

For sex. Is it worth it? Or do you want to work this out and start listening to our members.

[DreamP346]

Like Buddhaboy said, your marriage is on the rocks, don't ruin somebody else's. My advise, tell your wife what you are going to do. Not a threat, but a fact. She is not willing to compromise on sex, then she doesn't get a say in going for the open relationship. If she leaves, then its better for you so you can move forward with your life.

Then you can look into swingers clubs in your area. There are also dating websites. Swingers doesn't necessarily mean you have to exchange partners, but it is all concensual - not cheaters. I would advise you stay away from craigslist.