[LittlePip]

I was in a similar position as your wife actually, I hope sharing my reasons might help you. Aside from the problems in my (ex) relationship (which obviously would not apply in your position) making me feel less than erotic I also felt constantly under pressure to have sex. What I really wanted was early on in an evening, when I still had the energy, just a little something to get me in the mood, watching a steamy film or even a sexy chat, no pressure. Then it would have been nice to have been kept on with a passion. What I had was every night, after collapsing into bed, I'd get a rub on the back and maybe a spoon, then when I didn't respond by throwing my legs open he just huffed and puffed, rolled over and started complaining that we never have sex. I'm sure your situation does not play out exactly like this, but my point is perhaps you're stuck in a rut/pattern of behaviour. If she's so used to rejecting you it may be hard for her to say yes? It was for me even if I was own the mood. And when we did have sex I felt under pressure to get it right and under a great deal of pressure to orgasm - or else, huff, puff! As it turned out we just couldn't rebuild the relationship, we ended it and I am CERTAINLY not "frigid" now (as he used to say)!..

I am very interested in what your wife's problem is, if drugs haven't worke it could be psychological. As awful as it sounds have you tried couples therapy, she may feel more able to open up in what thy call a "safe" environment (where she can say anything without judgement). Or even therapy just for her to begin with. It's all worth a try if you are both still in love.

In my personal opinion I'd rather be told I was single than be told my husband was cheating, that would be the worst thing for me, I'd want to be released from the relationship too, and before I was hurt by this deception. Think what it could do to her trust if he ever found out. If you can't resolve it you ought to let her go. I hope this works out for you one way or another an that you'll both be happy.

[Stillness]

I feel betrayed by my wife because she married me with a very strong drive and it's gradually disappeared to nothing.

She's tried to get help, take medication, and even tries to satisfy you with intimacy to the extent she can? There are a lot of folks that deal with spouses that don't even try. When their sex drive goes any concern about their partner goes with it. You are betrayed, my friend. But, not by your wife. Her body has betrayed you both. She's faithful. The question is will you be.

Everybody goes through periods when they're not connecting. I've been with my wife as long as you and have suffered with similar issues. Our sex life has never really been like what I had hoped. Like your wife, mine tries. I'm not going anywhere, because I made a commitment. Right now we're going through a period where we're connecting like never before thanks to a lot of patience and communication. Things may turn around for you, they may not. But based on what you posted (and I'm sorry if this seems harsh) if you sleep with someone else you will not be happy with the results and you don't deserve her in my opinion. She may even stay with you because she understands the situation, but you will get the respect a weak-willed, cheater gets. Are you the kind of man that bails when it gets tough or will you man-up and keep your vows? Don't say you can't keep them, becasue you can. You're not going to go insane. Be stronger. It sounds like she's the kind of woman that will respect you for it.

[dlanier248]

Same situation but my wife will NOT take her meds and will not give oral...

I totally understand you position. Best of luck.

[rcoreyus]

I was in a similar situation for many years (though like dlanier248, no oral either), so I think I understand - though of course everyone who read these posts will map them onto their own lives. It turns out that I didn't cheat, but I would not fault anyone who did. I do not think anyone should be forced to live a sexless life. Your options:

1. Leave. This is the cleanest, and you have the right to - but it will of course upset her terrible. You will probably find someone else and be happy

2. Continue to live like a monk. You will be miserable. Your wife will pick up on this and be miserable. No one wins

3. Cheat - you will be happy for a while, and your wife won't know. Likely though, you will develop a relationship with person you are cheating with - very few people can have sex without developing an emotional attachment. Probably turns into #1 after a while - though when your wife finds out you are cheating she will also be devastated. Might give you a few more years together, but the lying will make it not worth as much.

4. Ultimatum - I think you have a right to tell her that you don't want to live like this. Offer to go to therapy. If it fails, leave.

About a year ago I started #4 with my wife. I didn't phrase it as an "ultimatum" but that I wanted us to go to therapy. To my utter amazement, rather than therapy, she started sleeping with me - and enjoying it - really enjoying it. We've had an excellent sex life since then. It was not what I was expecting, and I honestly don't know why it worked, and don't know if it would work for anyone else.

[brightceci]

I am one of those woman who are involved in a relationship like that and this is due to high sex drive and my husband not. Discrete is what you are looking for, right? Man and woman are somehow constructed differently when it comes to sex and emotions. But let me tell you, I am trying to get out of this discrete relationship of mine... sex was great but women and men brain just wired differently. While I think man can separate sex and relationship (emotion), not so much for woman, or at least from what I have learned and my own experiences. Sex was great only for a little while, but we need more than that. We need the whole emotional attraction not only the physical. Although we both know what we are after, but at the end I still feel that I am being used and not as fulfilled because there's missing the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing, the affection is not there, the respect is not there, the truly-care-about-us feeling is not there, slowly it hurts my self-esteem as a woman. The guy is a good man, he is considerate and sex was great, but the feelings and the excitement just slowly wear off and the if I don't feel good about it, it is a turn-off and it started to upset me emotionally, so I have to look somewhere else or find a way to resolve my issues. So at the end, both will get hurt, maybe not as emotionally painful, but still it is not a happy situation.

Sigh... I know it is an evil thing to do but I think I also know exactly where you are coming from You can probably find someone on AshleyMadison. Just like any dating sites, the chances of men vs women finding someone is like 1000 to 1, but the purpose of the site is for just that. Good luck.

[rcoreyus]

brightceci - I think you will find that men form emotional attachments about as often as women do. One woman I know who got involved in a relationship of this type (NOT with me!), ran into real problems with her partner getting too serious.

[Jeremy Parker]

Hello - I think rcoreyus sums up your options brilliantly - and to my mind #4 absolutely sounds like the right thing that you should do. An ultimatum is to my mind the way to go - but it will either make or break things, so you should be prepared for that. You have to let her know in no uncertain terms how you are feeling and what the consequences are if nothing changes with your sex life. This is pretty much last resort stuff though, and it’s a pretty serious thing to do. So doubtless it'll be right up there on the list of 'most difficult conversations ever', and, obviously, you need to think carefully about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it before you try and tackle such a conversation. So if you are going to give it a go then here are some good rules to follow…
-Firstly - don’t suddenly decide to have the conversation in the heat of an argument, though it doesn't sound like you argue anyway. Just pick a time when you are both quiet, calm and relaxed instead.
-Secondly - you need to tell your wife that you are not threatening to leave, but instead - that you are so desperate, that you don't know what else to do.
-Third - do watch what you are saying, how you are saying it and the look on your face when you are saying it - because you don’t want to come across in a horrible or threatening way.
-Fourth - don't, under any circumstances; say nasty stuff, don’t blame and definitely don’t criticize.
-Fifth - if leaving her is something that you really, truly are still thinking of doing, then tell her, calmly that “because of the differences in your sexual appetites, you are so unhappy that you are considering doing something you really don't want to do.” Just tell her what you've been thinking about. Now obviously this won't be easy thing to say or indeed to hear.
-Six - having said this stuff you've then just got to wait and see what happens.
-Seven - don’t forget that if you can’t face the thought of a conversation directly face to face with your wife then you can also do this by letter or indeed by phone as well.

And finally - good luck.

Jeremy Parker


*Outbound link removed*

[brunettebabe]

I know exactly how you feel. My husband is the same way. I am in the same situation. I don't understand why its so hard for him to give me sex because all I want is more sex. Its not asking for much at all. Sex is a good thing and it feels good and if he wants a baby then he is going to have give it to me.

[mbradar2]

I just want to say that everybody else's answers were so great -- very non-judgmental and full of support on how to save your marriage without cheating, which is exactly the kind of response I would want if I was in your shoes. Since the answers were so great there really isn't much more I can add but I just want to emphasize what great, unbiased advice-givers there are here!

[JonDoe]

I was in a similar situation for many years (though like dlanier248, no oral either), so I think I understand - though of course everyone who read these posts will map them onto their own lives. It turns out that I didn't cheat, but I would not fault anyone who did. I do not think anyone should be forced to live a sexless life. Your options:

...

About a year ago I started #4 with my wife. I didn't phrase it as an "ultimatum" but that I wanted us to go to therapy. To my utter amazement, rather than therapy, she started sleeping with me - and enjoying it - really enjoying it. We've had an excellent sex life since then. It was not what I was expecting, and I honestly don't know why it worked, and don't know if it would work for anyone else.

My story is very similar, except my utter amazement came within the past two weeks. I have been trying unsuccessfully for years, but sharing my story on this forum has been very helpful personally on several levels. It took a lot of patience and careful phrasing of my feelings, desires and needs, and perhaps a healthy dose of luck and timing too, but the tides are changing and the future looks bright and full of wonderful possibilities.

You are in good company on this forum with real people sharing real stories and great advice. Time is on your side, so please use it wisely and take time to reflect on how you would like your life together to play out, there is hope. If you focus only on what you are missing, it is too easy to make a decision you will regret for a long time.

I cannot exactly say one thing worked for me. Sharing my story helped me to express my side of the story, the impact it has had on me, and to better understand that others are experiencing similar issues. It is very easy for any of us to feel so very alone when going through this.

Try writing a letter to your spouse that starts off with several things you are grateful for in your life together. Tell her how much you miss the tender moments together. Then explain your feelings of rejection without placing blame on your spouse. Indicate that you are not interested in rehashing the past, but looking forward to a long happy future together. Then provide a summary of what a positive future holds for both of you with tenderness and intimacy that you both deserve to share together. Avoid making ultimatums, which generally back people into a corner and make rash decisions. Your goal is to paint a picture of the future that hopefully includes her in your life.

Give her some time to read and reflect on the letter. Be patient, it may take several days depending on how she feels about your marriage. Then when you do talk together try to reassure her that you want to nothing more then to be happy together forever, but that you can't continue living in a sexless marriage. Tell her you want to move forward together.

I told my wife "After a lot of deep, personal reflection, I am finally taking control of my life, and I will not allow myself to continue to suffer in silence. Thus we have two options: we can move forward together as a happy, intimate couple, or we can move forward apart, but I will not accept going backwards. I want nothing more than to move forward together, and I hope you do too!"

Anyway, I hope this helps you to find a path forward together as well. Good luck!