[OdetteK]

Hi! I had allmost the same story with my husband! And yes, moms sometimes looses the appetite of sex! When they checked my hormones they were low ( age thing) and now with my pellets I'm doing much better and having more attraction for sex! I think she better have a talk with her Ginecologist first!. Good luck with your wife.;-)

[dreamer95]

I may be way off the mark here but it sounds like couples counselling is the last thing you need to consider. If your wife hates her body that much she will have a tough time valuing herself, especially as a sexual/sensual being. She needs to work on her own confidence in her own time and you alone cannot do that for her as much as you give and reassure her it needs to come from within. Has she always had body worries or is that post-children? Have you always had sex with covers, layers, lights off? Sometimes when you say no so often it's hard to say yes. Is there one thing she particularly likes sexually that you could persuade her to receive regularly (or give if that's what she prefers). I say this because I remember a period of time with my ex when I never said yes (unless desperate) because I found it difficult to cum with him, I felt under too much pressure to cum, and if I just wanted to give him a BJ and be masturbated he'd always want more and I didn't feel comfortable with that.

Little Pip, thank you for your thoughts. I do believe this is a confidence & self esteem issue rather than a libido issue. She had these issues before before children. She also worked very hard on her body post-children, and I think she is sexier than ever right now. I don't like to judge, but since I am going down this road & focusing on low self esteem, I see similarities in her sister & mom. Something related to upbringing & parents? The lights-off covers-up stuff has been the norm for most of out time together. She's had brief phases where she gets more comfortable, but they don't seem to last for long.

Thanks again, I'd do anything I could to help her, but as you say this needs to come from within.

Not sure if I can help, but wish I could?

[dreamer95]

Since she is orgasmic, and able to experience that pleasure... this doesn't seem as much to me like a libido issue. The lights off, blankets up, lots of clothes to muddle through, the recoiling from your touch... it all sounds a whole lot more like severe body image, self esteem issues that are holding her back from truly enjoying sex with with you, and allowing you to enjoy sex as well.

You say you tell her she is beautiful, and that you complement her all the time.. a woman with severe body image issues/ self esteem problems doesn't believe what you say anyway. But please, don't stop saying it.. even if it falls on what appear to be deaf ears -- she's hearing it.

Is there anything you can think of that you do that provokes any insecurites in her? Porn? Complimenting other women? Roving-eye syndrome? Making any sort of comments that may make her feel less than? Body image issues/ esteem issues can occur with even the most beautiful of women. And I'm not saying you are guilty of any of the above, just saying to please consider any of your actions that may be reinforcing her issues negatively.. and working to modify your behaviors if any of the above exsist to see if it in any way helps.

I use to be overweight, and lost it. But all of my insecurities still exsist. In my own head and the way I feel about me.. I'm my harshest critic. When my boyfriend makes me feel sexy and i let my guard down I am fully capable of being a total vixen with the lights on. When I'm in a good place I feel good being naked and letting him touch any part of my body his hands desire to. But when I am feeling down on myself, I am lights off, blankets up.. let me only take off enough to let him get it in.. and the sex is very likely pretty mediocre for him on those days.

Even worse than that... on times when i see he's looked at porn, or times i notice him noticing some other woman... all my worries and self doubt intensify and I dont feel like having sex at all... even if my body is 'wanting' i just get into my own head of I'm obviously not what he wants so I am not going to even try.. and then I get distant sexually... and I doubt he even realizes the effect something so small could have on me, but it does.

Its a cycle we go through from time to time, but we are mostly on the good to awesome range, and I know it has so much to do with how sexy he makes me feel. Even on those days I am feeling distant, when he calls me hot or beautiful, it doesn't do the trick when I am feeling slighted from some of the above I mentioned. So... while it may be irrelevent to your situation, thought I'd give something to consider.

Hopeless Dork, thank you for your very thoughtful response. As I reflect over the years I've known my wife, I'm beginning to see likely sources of these issues. Her "best friend" who she knew for several yrs before meeting me comes to mind. I thought she treated my wife like garbage. This "friend" was not nearly as attractive as my wife, was extremely arrogant, and from a loaded ($) family. This "friend" belittled my wife routinely to keep her in her place, etc. This "friend" barraged her with thoughts of I'm prettier than you, I'm smarter than you, I have more $ than you, and I'm more desirable to guys than you. I never liked this person from day 1, and have no idea why my wife valued her as a friend. Several years of this nonsense did major damage, no doubt.

If I had to describe myself, I do set my standards and expectations high at times. I do not give out compliments unless they are deserved. My wife knows this, and knows when I compliment her, it is genuine & from the heart. The activities (mine) you mention that could provoke insecurity, I'd say are minimal to non-existent. I am far from perfect, don't get me wrong, but I typically think before I speak/act. Her relationship & sexual experience prior to dating me was very limited. She used to even say she was "bad" at sex. I have no clue why, I never ever said or insinuated that. I don't know much about her past in this area, she does not like discussing it. Please refer to my OP for more in this area, and the recent surprise I got.

The cycles you described are familiar, I do see some similarities. Also, when things really flare up, she has told me that she's not what I want/need. That she can't meet my standards & I want someone else. In these situations I reassure her & tell her she is what I want/need, and that is why I asked her to marry me, etc.

I am desperate to make some progress in the self esteem & control areas, as it is tearing our marriage apart.

She can be very set in her ways, I don't know how to break this cycle of negative thoughts & self-image?

[dreamer95]

Still looking for suggestions...

Thanks to all who have responded, this a great forum with lots of thoughtful followers. I am still looking for some help, as this has taken a turn towards more of a self esteem & confidence issue. In any case, this is quite complicated, and as others have mentioned, I'm thinking going back to our therapist (together) is probably not a good idea.I've added a lot of details in this area on follow-up posts, but haven't heard much? Maybe I should start a new thread under relationships?