[DreamP346]

Being rejected sexually is not pleasant. It creates resentment and frustration. But recently I have been asking if I'm not being direct about what I want since I usually don't actually say the words "lets have sex." So here are some examples. Tell me if I was clear with my intentions.

We were both sitting in bed reading. I was reading the book Joy of Sex. Every few minutes I would lean over and tell him something from the book. After a while, I put the book down and started caressing his leg and cuddle up to him. Still no response. So I lie down next to him and play with my breasts. He asks me why I am fondling my boobs. I tell him because nobody else will. After a while, I get frustrated, roll over and go to sleep.

During the day I mention how he hasn't taken care of my needs. He tells me he going to and even mentions certain things he will do. All evening we tease each other about what we are going to do later. Once the kids are asleep, I tell him I am going upstairs to get ready and if he will be joining me. He says he will shortly. Half an hour later I have taken a shower and gotten myself ready. Still no husband. So I walk over to the balcony overlooking the family room he is sitting in, completely naked, and ask him if he is going to come upstairs (I don't usually walk around naked). An hour later he is passed out on the couch in front of the TV and I feel like an idiot sitting in the bedroom wearing some sleezy outfit.

I wake up and start touching my husband. He is still half asleep. I then take his hand and put it on my breast. He starts fondling me and I moan to show I like what he is doing. I offer to give him oral but he says he needs to pee and goes to the bathroom. He is in there 25 minutes. He went in there with the iPad to read. I know nature calls, but I feel like he did that specifically to avoid me.

[Hugo-B]

Wait until he goes into the shower/bath.

Put on your sexiest outfit/underwear/his favorites.

When he walks out rip his towel off, get onto your knees and, well, you know what to do.

If this doesn't work then you two need a serious chat.

[DreamP346]

I've gotten in the shower and tried giving him a BJ. He's not big on receiving oral. After we come out of the shower, he goes about getting ready like usual. He doesn't show any interest in doing anything else.

I am very uncomfortable doing the sexy outfit thing because of fear of rejection. A while back, we went out for a date. As soon as we got home, I rushed upstairs to take a super quick shower. Ofcourse, he took his time coming upstairs 20 minutes later because he was going through the mail. I was sitting on the bed wearing something he really likes. He looks at me and say "ooohh" but then he goes into the kids room to check on them (not a usual routine), goes to the bathroom and then starts to inspect some mail. I was expecting him to jump me, not continue with whatever else he thought he needed to do that very minute.

[JonDoe]

Tell me if I was clear with my intentions.

CRYSTAL clear!!! Just reading the book in my presence would be enough for me.

You know my story from reading and commenting on my posts, thus not too sure my advice would work in your situation because it surely isn't working in mine. Anyway, here are a number of questions to consider. No need to answer them all here.

Could your husband feel self-conscience about his appearance? How is his general mood outside of the bedroom? Is he stressing over work, finances, a busy schedule, a sick or aging parent? You didn't mention kids in this thread - could he be worried about getting you pregnant in the midst of economic uncertainty? If you already have kids, could he be worried they will hear or even just know what you are doing? Could he be watching too much porn?

Think back to the last few times you had sex together. Who took the lead? Was he truly satisfied? Has premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction been an issue?

Have you tried reaching over and fondling him instead of having him fondle you first? If so, what was his reaction? Does he usually make the first move or do you? Perhaps trying giving him a BJ before he leaves for work or when he walks in the door. Next time go downstairs naked, and with saying a word, take his iPad away and climb on top of him. But before trying any of these sit him down outside the bedroom and ask him how he feels and what's on his mind. Share your feelings about being turned-on and being rejected, talking in terms of how you feel, less about what he is not doing.

[Stillness]

Your intentions are clear. Were you intimate eventually? That would at least tell you that you got through, even if he was slow about it. It almost sounds like some sort of mental block. Like he really loves you and wants to satisfy, but something is stopping him. If you ever figure it out, please let me know what it is, because after 12 years of marriage I haven't. I can't tell you how many times I've been waiting in bed wondering what she's doing. Using the bathroom, getting clothes ready, playing on the computer, etc. at 1:00am when I need her. Then I'm sleep and it's time to wake up. Once in a while she'll wake me up before work apologetically to be intimate. Then I'm thinking she does get it. What about all the other times? I guess she just didn't care.

I think your experience lines up with mine more than anybody else's on these boards. Like your husband, my wife seems to try. She never really rejects me. As long as I clearly initiate I will have sex eventually. You could climb on top of him naked and say, "I want you inside me now," to force the issue, but I'm guessing you're like me. I probably get it 10% of the times I want it, because I like it when my wife is willing and things come together more naturally. It's nothing wrong with being extremely blunt when you know you're connecting. But when the relationship is strained and you're in an almost constant state of rejection, it's hard to come right out and say what you want.

If you don't get any advice on this thread that helps you, at least know that your misery is shared. I always feel like my marriage is on the verge of a breakthrough. We are communicating better. If things do improve substantially and I can figure out what did it, I'll be sure to let you know.

[Hugo-B]

It sounds like he may actually be proactively avoiding sex. Men will do this if they have some sort of problem. Has he had any 'problems' or anything lately? Was everything 'working' the last time you had sex? Does he ever wake up with an erection?

How old is he? When was the last time you had sex?

It may be worth exploring the alternative route, that he may have a physical problem making him avoid sex - which is perfectly plausible - as opposed to you two just needing to spice things up a little.

Lets try and rule out a few things:

Stress from his new job, you said he's working? wasn't he out of work? re adjusting could affect his libido.

Anything else which could be pre occupying him? Financial worries?

If he has started gaining fat, especially around the chest, waist and face; has suffered a lull in libido, including problems getting or maintaining an erection; has lost muscle, or has assumed a less 'manly shape' i.e., rounder shoulders etc; is behaving abnormally, perhaps depressed, less manly/feisty (for want of a better expression) he may well be suffering from hormonal issues. Especially if he is over 40.

Remember women peak sexually at around 30, a mans testosterone starts dropping when he's 30. If he wasn't ever a highly sexed guy by 40 he may well have a pretty low libido. My friend is 42 and his GF told me he's never initiated sex once during their relationship and he's got the lowest sex drive she's ever known on a man. And he's a healthy 'normal' guy.

[jns]

Once in a while she'll wake me up before work apologetically to be intimate.

...

I probably get it 10% of the times I want it, because I like it when my wife is willing and things come together more naturally.

In a way, Stillness, you don't see how precious your wife is. Sex is not a priority to her at this time, yet she realizes that she should let you have some of the sexual intimacy that you need and even is the initiator at times. I'll bet you go to work with a big grin those days. I think most guys who get cut off entirely or get intimacy a few times a year would almost kill to get back to that type of relationship. And you have the hope that her libido will return to full strength.

sp346, your husband is just not getting it. He is being selfish.

[Stillness]

I get it, jns. She's a good person and a good wife. As I wrote I considered that a lot of men (and women) would smack me for complaining about a relationship in which it appears I can have sex whenever I want. The problem is that I never have - not even close. I know some folks don't care how they get it, but I do. While she's never directly rejecting me, it's clear that she's unwilling most times. It's a passive resistance consisting of delays, unreciprocated affection, and complaints about what I'm doing or not doing when I mention it. It's not sexy. It is the biggest source of frustration in my life.

When we do get together it's great most of the times. And I do have hope, like you said. One of my fears is that the frustration, resentment, and repression I deal with will hurt us and flip the situation on its head if she ever does come around or maybe even if she doesn't. I've been having some worrying feelings over the past couple of months that I'm trying to keep in check.

[danny112]

Totally clear. He has something going on that he isn't addressing.

Has he gained weight, having trouble at work, etc?
It sounds like he is unable to focus on anything outside his own little world.

I understand and have been in your position. There is nothing more crushing than your spouse not being interested when you are making every effort to be intimate.

[Hugo-B]

I get it, jns. She's a good person and a good wife. As I wrote I considered that a lot of men (and women) would smack me for complaining about a relationship in which it appears I can have sex whenever I want. The problem is that I never have - not even close. I know some folks don't care how they get it, but I do. While she's never directly rejecting me, it's clear that she's unwilling most times. It's a passive resistance consisting of delays, unreciprocated affection, and complaints about what I'm doing or not doing when I mention it. It's not sexy. It is the biggest source of frustration in my life.

When we do get together it's great most of the times. And I do have hope, like you said. One of my fears is that the frustration, resentment, and repression I deal with will hurt us and flip the situation on its head if she ever does come around or maybe even if she doesn't. I've been having some worrying feelings over the past couple of months that I'm trying to keep in check.

I'd rather be in a great relationship and just be trying to work on something like this, than be in a relationship with an abundance of sex but where there were problems of equal magnitude elsewhere.

I think this will be one of those 'love will see us through situations', I don't blame you for feeling concerned, your wife accepting 10% of sexual advances equates to quite a serious disparity in libidos, though I take it this wasn't always the case?

Hormone based birth control can have a negative affect on a woman's libido, as can other hormonal issues relating to childbirth, which I do not fully understand. If your wife is happy to discuss these issues, if you think they are relevant to her, perhaps she could take a trip to the doctors and have a full panel of female hormones taken.