[jns]

I wasn't allowed keep any of my stuff in the main room [we have an open plan kitchen/living diner]. I'm talking about leaving a nice book on the coffee table, leaving a notebook beside the computer, leaving the dvd case of the dvd we were watching on the table, stuff like that. We each have a chest of drawers on our respective sides of the bed and he'd go in to mine and tidy it and throw out stuff. Same with my shelf in the bathroom, he'd constantly be tidying it and throwing bottles out even though there was still product in them. I'd cleared out my parent's attic and brought a load of old photos and sketchbooks from college and had them in a box in the spare room. There was loads of old stuff of mine in the box and to be honest I was waiting till i was ready within myself to go through it and clear it all out but I opened it one day and... he'd already cleared it out and I found a load of papers from it in the bin. That particular invasion of privacy was the worst. Uggggh. I was using the spare room as a craft/art room but he would keep going in there cleaning up things i was working on and packing stuff away when i was in the middle of projects and basically wiping evidence of me out of the house. So now I don't go in there any more.... I tried to bring it up when we went to marriage councelling but... the therapist said that ''marriage is all about compromise'' and that ''maybe i should be less uptight about material possessions''. She had a point... but only up to a point. I'd never dream of rifling through anyone else's things – even a partner. And I'd never be so arrogant to think i knew better than them as to what was precious and important to them and throw stuff away. All i was asking for was that same respect in return. Was i wrong in that or should i bring it up? It still pains me to think that you look around the house and nothing of mine is visible but i try and repress it, lol.

The only way to keep your things from being cleaned up is to have a separate area like renting a storage area that he does not have a key or the combination to. Otherwise your past and even much of the present will be erased. My wife has thrown away thousand of dollars of music show posters from 30 years ago and other things to feed her need for her order. She doesn't remember where she puts anything. It drives me the other direction since I am uncomfortable in a hotel like atmosphere and don't sleep well. Not being able to find things sends me into a panic. I feel for you.

Psychologically, he is lessening his negative response to the rooms by stamping his ideals of order on it. That is why he does not recognize the boundaries of what is your, what is his and what is both of yours. He is doing no real compromising. He does not really understand what his actions are doing to you since he does not get the same reaction.

[JonDoe]

Take it from someone that is still trying after 20 years of marriage. Deal with the issue head on. Do not push the issue aside or repress the feelings; otherwise, you may seriously regret it many years in the future. Seek counseling from a sex therapist that also specializes in marriage counseling and relationships. Go by yourself if he refuses to go. Seeking professional counseling is not a sign of failure, it is a sign of success because you have passed the first major milestone of moving forward whether that is together with your husband or on a new journey of your own.

[roslyn85]

I see quite a few similarities in our stories. I really hope counselling works out for you. I am trying to work up the courage to suggest it to my husband. Good luck.

[spiderman]

How ya goin? Im interested in your problem, and thought you could do with a males point of view perhaps. First of all i think its great that you want so badly to save your marriage. It shows that you really do love and care about him. i think your man has self esteem problems. How a man is percieved by other people can be VERY important to him, especially those closest to him. Sometimes when a man feels inadequate or feels less of a man, he will retreat into a world that will come across selfish or withdrawn. This is a type of damage control. He will fall into a comfortable routine in order to buy time. In his head he has things he wants to change or fix and so believes he will do, sometime in the near future. He will want to fix these things on his own or in his own time, however the rate that he gets things done can be quite slow in reality, only adding to his depressed state. This can be quite a problem, as men like to feel in control and some problems cant be controlled that easily. This can lead to the man turning his frustrations on those he loves the most. He might call you names or say not nice comments in order to feel he still controls things or to bring you down to his level. I think your husband hates his body and the fact that he has a small penis. I think he knows you are not physically attracted to him, (trust me, men know these things they just dont say anything). What woman is attracted to man boobs and a small penis? Hes not dumb. He may even feel embarressed about having sex with you the way you want it, because he feels like you would rather be doing this with a strapping, sexy dream guy. I am with a woman who once cheated on me. We have been together for 10 years and even though i am incredibly strong minded and confident in myself, that tore me apart inside. My self esteem plummeted and i was deeply depressed for 12 months. It took me a long time to build up my self esteem again and get back to having sex with her. Now i practically rape her when we have sex, and after forgiving her we have moved on and have never been so in love with each other. We went to marriage councelling and even recently had a baby. We have fallen in love all over again. Im not saying this will be the outcome for you, but sometimes you need to let the **** hit the fan. Things are not right in the relationship so maybe stop tip toeing

[spiderman]

arond things and hit them head on. You should write down all the things that are bothering you in the relationship and let him know. He has a right to know how you feel and vice versa. No point guessing it only eats up time. If he wont go to councelling then tell him you will go away for a week or two while he thinks it over. Trust me, hes not going anywhere, if you do go he will be there when you get back. He needs to get off his *** and start to fix his problems. There are answers out there, surgerys, gyms, healthy food etc. If he makes the effort i guarentee he will be a changed man. All things said, he sounds like a good bloke, well worth fighting for, and hes very lucky to have a woman who loves him so much. I wish you both the best, however if things do not work out between the two of you, you should at the very least have peace of mind that you tried your hardest. Good luck. I am not a professional, this is just my opinion.