[Inoh]

Okay, I have quite a lot to get through, so here we go.

I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year, we are both 19, and we are both each other's first serious relationship, and we were both virgins before we got together.

The relationship went quite slowly at first, we were good friends for about 5 weeks before officially deciding to be in a romantic relationship.

It took quite a while before we started doing things sexually, it probably took a good 4-5 months before anything sexual started. My girlfriend is not insecure about her body per se, she likes to keep dim lights on when we have sex and she doesn't seem to worry about me seeing her naked or anything like that. She has apparently been told in the past by a gynaecologist that she has quite a tight vagina, and I think this has worried her (and I think is also the reason it took so long to do anything sexual). She has never used tampons or anything, and she says it feels very uncomfortable to try to put anything in there. Because of this, we have not yet had proper intercourse. I have managed to get my penis in there before, but it always makes her feel very uncomfortable and it hasn't ever gotten further than just putting it in and then taking it out and that's the end of it. After some research, I am thinking that maybe her vagina is just a little tight, and maybe she just needs to be more aroused and more relaxed than she has been in the past before it will become more comfortable.

So, our sexual contact has been stimulating each other with our hands (only the clitoris, only very rarely will she ask me to put a finger in, and even that has to be done very slowly and carefully), with the occasional attempt to have actual intercourse (she always initiates this, maybe because she's feeling particularly aroused, but I think when she actually is faced with the prospect it makes her nervous again). I never put any pressure on her or make her feel bad for it, but nonetheless she feels bad anyway, and I feel bad for her because I feel like she may be missing out on something very pleasurable! It is only very recently that I have discovered that the problem may be down to her not being aroused and relaxed enough, and we won't have any opportunity to have sex in the next 2-3 weeks because she is abroad at the moment.

Up until recently, we were always having sex at my place, and she would usually orgasm just from clitoris stimulation at least twice (once it was about 6 times!) and things were going quite well. However, I recently went to stay with her at her house for a while, and in 3 weeks worth of sex she only came a handful of times. She seems to think that it could have just been that she was nervous about doing it in her own house, with all her folks about. (I have chosen to believe this, although naturally my man insecurities just tell me I'm a terrible lover, or that she isn't as attracted to me any more and stuff )

Anyway, after this bout of really lacklustre sex for her, I definitely noticed that something was off (naturally!). I clocked it straight away, quite some time before she told me properly. The thing was, she would mention ideas of how to improve our relationship and things, where basically the running theme was that the relationship is not exciting enough for her. These things, I took to heart a bit, and found a bit upsetting, but that is really down to my own insecurity. Some things she said were along the lines of: We should role play and pretend we have never met before; You (me) should manhandle me more in the bedroom (I am usually very gentle). Things like this. Anyway, a little while after saying these things (we still haven't had sex since she first said these things, so I haven't had a chance to give them a go yet), she finally said it out and out that she was disappointed with the sex we're having. (Like I said, I'm pretty sure it was going quite well before, and I haven't changed much since then!)

The thing is, she also has a bit of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and for those that don't know, this basically means that sometimes she'll have some thought, and it will worry her very much about what it means and why she's having it. To give an example, she will often get very worried that if she isn't feeling extremely affectionate towards me, that it means that she does not love me any more. Even if she feels affectionate, and is still attracted to me and knows that she still loves me, her mind will try to convince her that she doesn't, and it's very uncomfortable for both of us. (She is getting therapy for all this in about a months time, but this is not what I am worried about anyway, I'm just giving some background info).

So anyway, this time around, she has started to feel like she doesn't love me, and this time her brain has come up with "what if you are missing out on having random sexual encounters with people while you are still young?" This one hurt me a lot, because to me sex is very very personal and I would never want to have a random sexual encounter with someone, and I know that she doesn't either, as we've had conversations about this many times and she has always said she finds it degrading and silly, and feels the need to trust the person a lot. However, now she is worried that she does actually want it (again, even though she knows she doesn't really). To me, this seems like it's probably just a sign of being unsatisfied sexually, and we've discussed this and think it is the case, but, again, she is never sure of these things and it really makes her uncomfortable.

So, this brings me onto my last point. Basically, I feel like the remedy for most of this problem regarding the relationship is to give her better sex! It certainly seems to do a lot for some people and relationships in general, it seems that if both people get good sex and generally enjoy each others' company it's like relationship glue, but if they get bad sex the relationship can go on a downer pretty quick. So, I asked her if she could devote some time to masturbating and really take note of what feels good and so on so that she can help me out if I get stuck ever again. The problem is, she really is grossed out by her vagina. She hates masturbating and says that she only does it every few months if that, and sometimes she will start to masturbate and lose interest very quickly and not want to again for months. She generally seems to be very uncomfortable with her own vagina, and besides not wanting to masturbate herself, she is always very very anxious that I was my hands before touching her or anything else after I've been down there. For the same reason, she hates the idea of oral, and is just generally very afraid of exploring that area (although, she seems to be okay with me touching her down there, as long as I wash my hands afterwards).

So how do I give her better sex? Specifically, how can I help her to be really relaxed and comfortable and aroused, and help her to stop being so afraid of her own vagina? What really bothers me here is that we have been apart for a couple of weeks now, and we still have a couple to go, and every day that I don't get to basically give it another shot makes me worry that her thoughts about it are just festering.

I should mention, it's easy to read these kinds of posts and start pointing fingers at whose fault it is or whatever, I'm not really interested in that. Anyone who's made it this far through my wall of text should know that my girlfriend really is a lovely person, and I know it bugs her so much when she has these feelings and is not sure where they come from or if they are genuine. She says she loves me, and that I'm the perfect man for her, just that she's not that attracted to me these last couple of weeks and it's bugging her a lot. I'm pretty confident it's the bad run of sex that started it all (maybe I'm wrong? Feel free to correct me) and I'm just very anxious to keep my girlfriend and keep her happy.

Please help! I don't know if it's normal in relationships for this kind of thing to sometimes happen, and neither does she! We are both inexperienced, and we really need some advice, either for me, or advice that I can pass on to her. And if anybody can tell me if they think it's the sex that's the problem, and what I can do to make it a better experience for her, that would be really helpful! I'd really love to give her the best sex that she can get, so that she never has to wonder about "maybe it'd be better with other people" or whatever. That's partly out of my own desire to keep her with me but also because I really want her to be happy and satisfied.

Any help or advice would be very, very much appreciated. And thank you, if you took the time to read through all this.

[jns]

Does she like kissing and hugging? Maybe kissing and hugging will be distracting enough to get her mind off of everything being icky or bad and let you explore some more. Possibly after she becomes more comfortable with her body, she will be willing to do a lot more things.

[Inoh]

Does she like kissing and hugging? Maybe kissing and hugging will be distracting enough to get her mind off of everything being icky or bad and let you explore some more. Possibly after she becomes more comfortable with her body, she will be willing to do a lot more things.

Actually, not so much. I don't think she doesn't enjoy it, but I don't think she enjoys it enough for it to relax her that much. From what I've read and heard, a lot of foreplay is a good place to start, and I try to make it last as long as possible, but she has said before that she doesn't want loads of foreplay because she's worried that by the time we move on she will have lost her horniness so to speak. (I guess if that is the case, the foreplay is probably all wrong, kind of the opposite of what it's supposed to do). I get just a general feeling that she doesn't know what she wants or what arouses her, and who can blame her, it's early days and neither of us have had sex before after all! Just really want some suggestions and some reassurance that it's not just going to go downhill from here

[Inoh]

There is more to it than just sex - she is definitely also concerned that the relationship is getting boring even after this short time. The thing is, last year was a tough year for her for numerous reasons, and she suffered from some depression (again, seeing a therapist about all this), and on top of all of this, we were neighbours! So it was far more easy to just pop over and spend the night in instead of going on a date or something romantic. Anyway, like I said in my original post, she suggested that we go on dates and pretend we had never met before to try to spice things up a bit. I am more than willing to try this, and I feel kind of bad for this but - it kind of hurts me a little. I know that this part is entirely my problem, and the reason it hurts me is just silly and insecure - I feel bad that she wants it to have happened a different way. This is selfish, I know. I am pretty emotional, I am pretty easily contented just with her company, and I have probably a normal sex drive for a male my age, but I also find sex to be very personal and special and I would never dream of wanting it from anybody else. On the other hand, she is not so easily contented, her sex drive is low compared to mine (not really really low, just lower than mine) and even though she said she agreed when I told her how I feel about sex being really personal (in response to her comment about missing out on random sexual encounters), she is not currently feeling this way. She says she has an "idealised version" of it in her head that she knows isn't real but it doesn't stop her wanting it. I think we are just both very confused about what is and isn't wrong here. I thought it was a simple case of do some more fun things together like dates and give her some better sex, and then maybe she wouldn't be so concerned that she was missing out on things that she assures me she doesn't really want anyway. But maybe it isn't just down to that. I guess we have really just moved at different paces through this relationship - for the first 6 or 7 months she seemed way more in love with me than I was with her, and since then it seems to have switched around. I'm just hoping we'll find some balance some time soon.

[jns]

One thing about being young is that many times young people feel that they have to be doing this or doing that to have fun. Just being together is not enough. Since they have not had enough experiences to have a proper perspective, they feel they always have to be doing something new. This is why I didn't see a lot of long term stability amongst my friends marriages when they got married early on. What happened is that they and their spouses drifted in opposite directions until the relationships became vulnerable to outside influences.

You and your gf are experiencing something like that in that she needs more excitement at this time and she feels you are not doing enough to make your relationship together exciting. Can you make things more exciting? Maybe travel to see various tourist attractions. Not necessarily the big ones, but smaller ones. Just do things together. Be a bit unpredictable where you take her.

[JonDoe]

... she has said before that she doesn't want loads of foreplay because she's worried that by the time we move on she will have lost her horniness so to speak.

I'm slightly confused. She doesn't want "loads of foreplay", and you are not having intercourse, so what are you moving on to? It seems to me that what is generally labeled foreplay is the whole act for both of you at the moment. This is understandable given the background info you shared, but what is it that she wants to move on to?

Are you not having intercourse because you are afraid of hurting her or is she asking you to stop intercourse because it is painful? I get a sense from reading your post that she may want to have intercourse. Does she experience pain when you insert a finger or two? She may simply not want to have to ask you to insert a finger or to have intercourse, she may be looking for you to take the lead.

I get just a general feeling that she doesn't know what she wants or what arouses her, and who can blame her, it's early days and neither of us have had sex before after all! Just really want some suggestions and some reassurance that it's not just going to go downhill from here

Communication is key. She can't expect you to read her mind nor can you expect that from her. Talk to her about it in a loving and reassuring manner. There are plenty of websites and books that offer very helpful information for beginners. Research, explore and enjoy!

[Inoh]

I'm slightly confused. She doesn't want "loads of foreplay", and you are not having intercourse, so what are you moving on to? It seems to me that what is generally labeled foreplay is the whole act for both of you at the moment. This is understandable given the background info you shared, but what is it that she wants to move on to?

Yeah. What I was meaning by foreplay probably isn't how the word is generally used. I suppose what I've come to understand is that you go in stages - start with lots of kissing and stuff before moving on to the sensitive areas and then moving into more heavy stuff. What I meant by not wanting loads of foreplay was the stage before moving on to the sensitive areas I suppose. I realised before, but I suppose it's only really just hit me how clueless I am when it comes to this.

We are not having intercourse for both of those reasons that you said, but I think you are quite possibly very right in what you have said. She does want intercourse, definitely, and she is always the one who initiates it if we want to try, and that is because so far I haven't wanted to try to initiate myself in case it puts a lot of pressure on her. I now definitely think I was wrong about this, and from some of the other things she has said I do think she wants me to take a bit more of a forceful role during sex. Up until now I've been trying to be very gentle and slow, to make sure she is comfortable. However, I think you are probably right, I think she is ready now and wants me to go ahead with the next steps, and she has hinted at it (I can understand her not wanting to spell it out for me).

I have managed to get a finger in before, again she usually asks me to, and again I think I will probably take a proactive role from now on. She says it feels nice at first but after a while it becomes uncomfortable, and I have never been able to get 2 fingers in. I have tried to put in a second finger before but it makes her look very uncomfortable and it then just puts her off of the first one. This is part of what the problem is here - we are not sure if her vagina is particularly tight and she needs to do something about it, or whether it is just a case of her not being warmed up enough so to speak.

Lastly, I think, at least on my part, our communication is reasonably good. I think the main problem is not that we have any trouble with actually communicating with each other, to me it seems that she just does not really know what she wants and enjoys yet and it's subtracting from the experience for her. Like I have said, she has barely any inclination to masturbate or explore her own body, but when we're together she can get quite active. That makes it really tough for me, because neither of us know what she wants exactly but I am the one who has to try to make her feel good. I guess we just have to keep trying new things and just make sure she lets me know if something is good or bad? It would really help if some people could tell me the kinds of things I should be trying though, as I've said it's all touchy ground with her. I've been thinking of maybe next time trying to gently ease her into oral just to see if she enjoys it, but whenever we talk about it she does say she finds the thought really gross (she doesn't like the idea of giving me oral either, but she says she would if I really wanted it. So far I don't know what I'm missing so I haven't asked for it, but I've been thinking of maybe buying some flavoured condoms and seeing how that goes. I just want to try anything to get her more comfortable with sex and just enjoying these things!)

so I guess I'll just try to be more proactive in the bedroom, and just take a leading role and see how she responds to things. We have already spoken about this and she thinks that would be much better. But still, I would feel much better if I had some tips or if people can give some ideas of things to try to ease her into it. I mean, she doesn't want loads of kissing, touching on it's own was a bit lacklustre for her the last few weeks, but she doesn't want any oral and it's going to take us some more time to work up to proper sex, how can I get the ball rolling?

P.S. In future I will try to do shorter posts, this is getting a bit out of hand here. Sorry for anyone who feels compelled to read them and help me out :S

[DreamP346]

First: Communication. Reading your posts, its clear that the communication isn't all there. Don't worry, every couple deals with this. You can be married for 20 years and still working on your communication. Talk about sex and what you want BEFORE you start getting sexaul. Ask her what she wants, tell her what you want and what you want to do to her so nothing comes as a surprise. Many women like having their partners a little aggressive in the bedroom, but that needs to be discussed before hand. If you have been a follower all this time when it comes to sexual matters, suddenly becoming aggressive can scare her.

Foreplay: you needs lots of it before you even get to sex. Maybe your kissing skills aren't that great. You are very young and being a good kisser is not something that comes automatically. Try reading some books on technique. Don't just stick your tongue in her mouth. Such on the lips, tease her tongue and teeth with your tongue, etc. Kiss more than just her lips like her ear lobs and neck. Each woman is different so she will have her owe sensitive spots. Ask her to do stuff for you too. Half of the pleasure of sex is pleasuring your partner. If you are the one doing everything then it is not a joint activity.

Take turns being gentle and aggressive. You will have to judge this, but it sounds like your partner may not be very communicative/talkalive during sex. That is why talking before it better. During sex, just go with it and do whatever feels good and you have already agreed to before hand. It was be a turn off if every 5 seconds you keep asking "can I do XYZ?"

Add variety. There is a lot more to sex then kissing and intercourse. Do oral on each other. Explore. Enjoy. A woman is more relaxed right after an orgasm. That will be the best time to finger her and see if you can get 2-3 fingers in. I would suggest giving her oral and inserting a finger while you are pleasuring her. Do one finger and then slowly, very slowly add another finger. A little discomfort is fine as long as she doesn't tell you to stop. That can be expected. If she is not in out right pain, you should be OK. Once again, talk to her about this before hand so you both know how far you are pushing things.

Romance: most women like to be romanced, especially at your age. Just hanging out at home is what is making her think about the wild and crazy things she could be doing outside. Go on dates, at least everyweek if not more. Go to parties with friends. Go to the movies and make out in the back seats. What are other people your age doing? Go get coffee at the local cafe. Do those things. What are your interests? Do those things. When I was 19, if all my guy wanted to do was hang out at home, I would have left him at home and been out partying and looking for somebody else.

good luck.

[notlikethenormal]

I think you have the right idea in taking the lead. Personally, I was very inexperienced when it came to intercourse when I first got together with my BF. I had done other things but never that and I was very scared. So him taking the lead and kind of showing me how things go was very comforting for me.

I would suggest talking to her about this out of the bedroom, asking her if she trusts you and trusts that whatever you do is to bring her pleasure and there is nothing gross about it because you enjoy it.

Try to start in positions where she can control how much and how fast you enter her, girl on top would be the most common I think. Talk to her and reassure her that what she is doing feels good for you and you want her to feel good too.

For the first few times you actually have intercourse I would think she would want the touching, kissing, and carressing... then you can move into whatever you both like.

[shoshannah]

A few thoughts occur to me.

Sex can be strange at first. it's something you have never experienced before, and so other than expecting it to feel good, you don't really have any way to judge how it is supposed to feel or what you should be doing to your partner. This is especially the case if neither of you is experienced. I doubt that anybody's first few times (or several times) are the best). i agree, that really open communication is important.

As for penetration itself: First, Having something in your vagina the first few times can be uncomfortable, and definitely strange, just because it's a new and different sensation that takes some getting used to. It took me several weeks before I actually felt pleasure when my boyfriend first entered me, but now I find it extremely pleasurable. But only when I am excited enough, which I'll mention in a minute. Your girlfriend could practice inserting her own finger, on her own schedule. She won't be able to go as far in as you can, but it doesn't sound like depth is a big issue right now.

Second, make sure she is excited enough before you try to penetrate her either with your penis or your finger. When I am really excited I get very wet (most of the month, anyway) and my vulva/vagina get all puffy and pouty. You will learn to recognize this pretty quickly--if you are giving her orgasms than you probably already can tell the difference. If she isn't wet enough, use lube (This is VERY important!). Try putting your finger just barely inside her and then leaving it there without moving until she is comfortable, then go a little deeper and pause again, etc. Once you have one finger all the way in and she is comfortable with that, try two fingers, then three. The main thing is to take your time and let her control the timing. (Also, please make sure your nails are trimmed and smooth.)

Keep in mind that the vagina is supposed to be rather tight, which is how it is able to stimulate the penis. The question s whether she feels actual pain? Some discomfort is probably par for the course--the problem is if the discomfort either doesn't go away or turns actually painful.

What are you doing for birth control? obviously she is having orgasms with you, so getting excited isn't a problem for her, but maybe the though of having you inside her makes her worry unconsciously about getting pregnant?