[JonDoe]

So my wife and I have been having sex twice a week for the past several weeks, which is a huge improvement over the past few years. YEAH!! However, I am still doing all the work in the bedroom, and I'm the only one that initiates any form of intimacy too. Her participation is being present, being wet, and giving a few tugs on my penis in a (lame) attempt to make it hard.

I tried to set the mood the other morning so she might think about sex during the day. I reminded her that the boys would be at practice and work that evening and it would just be the two of us for several hours, and said I am looking forward to having her all to myself. I put a lot of thought into the other things I said too, but the details aren't important to share. Anyway, she said "I'll think about it." Wow, really? That is your response? Not "OOOH, I'll be thinking about you all day!" The tone was more like "I'll think about it [and get back to you with my answer because I know if I say no right now, we'll have to talk about it.]"

Despite talking about it several times recently and her admitting she is a selfish lover, she hasn't showed any signs of changing. She thanked me for being an unselfish lover, but she still lays there with her eyes closed and focuses on her pleasure, while I do all of the work. She has incredible, full-body orgasms with me. I'd like her to be as enthusiastic to please me as I am to please her.

It is not as if she doesn't know what I'd like her to do because I have shared that with her. I have even tried helping her to learn what I like and how I like it. It just seems like she doesn't care because she doesn't get any enjoyment from pleasing me. She has said before that giving me a BJ or hand job does nothing for her. The few times she has tried at my request, it was such a lame attempt and let down to me that I eventually stopped asking for many years. She literally doesn't touch me during sex except to give a few tugs on the penis if I'm not fully erect before penetration. It is to the point that I'm having to work at maintaining an erection.

If she has to get up and sing before a crowd, she will practice, practice, practice. Why is that so important to her, but my pleasure is not?

She never makes eye contact in the bedroom. She never asks what I would like or if it feels good to me.

How do I help her to become an unselfish lover? Is there any hope that she can become a vixen in the bedroom?

[Hugo-B]

TBH, I think yes, she can, but she has to WANT to change.

From what you've shared JD, it sounds like your wife is only having sex because you've persuaded her to, and she'd quite happily go without if you didn't. This rules out the possibility of you 'going on strike' until she changes her attitude. She sounds reluctant (at best) about having sex, she should be willing to give pleasure as well as receive it, her attitude does not sound at all healthy to me.

She wasn't always like this, was she? I'm sure you said the two of you used to enjoy a very fulfilling sex life.

I don't like to be the one to raise thorny questions, though I think these possibilities should be explored so they can be ruled out:

1) Has she taken ay medication, the pill or anything which could have affected her hormonally, thus lowering her sex drive? This could possibly explain her why her attitude towards sex is quite negative - if she's feels no inclination to have sex she will have very little motivation etc.

2) Could she be having an affair? Sorry, but her getting it elsewhere could explain why she doesn't want it with you, I sincerely hope this is not the case, however I do think it should be ruled out since it could explain the situation.

3) You mentioned she was promiscuous before she met you, do you know if she was ever subjected to any unpleasant sexual experiences when she was younger? Being 'vacant' during sex can be indicative of this. My ex had had a lot of problems when she was younger and I read a couple of books about sexual abuse and counseling victims, and one of the 'signs' for partners was an attitude similar to this, or an attitude towards sex which can switch, suddenly from one extreme to another.

I'm sorry to throw these out there, hopefully they can be ruled out quickly.

Good luck.

BB

[DreamP346]

jondoe, how is the rest of your relationship with your wife. Is this strictly an issue in the bedroom, or does this selfishness extend to daily life? If it is the latter, then that is what you need to be working towards. When you have a better relationship in general, the sex will follow.

If this is only in the bedroom, then obviously talk to her about it. Maybe even demonstrate, ie have one session where you just focus on your own pleasure, don't get her off, maybe make a critical comment during sex, etc. I know this sounds harsh, but if she doesn't listen to reason, I feel its time to take more aggressive steps. You didn't get the current results in your sex life until you really put your foot down. Maybe its time to do the same again. Of course, always talk about how all that makes you feel afterwards. You want her to see how it makes you feel.

[JonDoe]

TBH, I think yes, she can, but she has to WANT to change.

I sure hope so too. At least we are having sex more often and sleeping in the same bed, which I am thankful for, but it is still a bit of a struggle for me since I am responsible for pleasing both of us.

1) Has she taken any medication.

She is not on any medication of any kind. She has even been off birth control for 12 years after I had a vasectomy.

2) Could she be having an affair?

Anything is possible, but I really don't think so. If she is, then is super ****hy and only make calls from her phone at work. I've looked online at the calls and texts made on our wireless bill, and there is nothing out of the ordinary. She doesn't travel for work either. She could be sneaking off during lunch with a male colleague without me knowing, but I don't think this is the case.

3) You mentioned she was promiscuous before she met you, do you know if she was ever subjected to any unpleasant sexual experiences when she was younger?

I've asked from the standpoint of a caring husband that wants to understand and help her increase her desire, and she says that she doesn't have any unpleasant sexual experiences. She said an ex-came over wanting sex and tried to force himself on her, but she kneed him in the balls and that was that, and it was long before we were dating.

She enjoys sex and has wonderful orgasms, both from clitoral stimulation and penetration. If I ask her to wear something sexy, she will most of the time. She just doesn't initiate any form of intimacy. For the past month or so, I would initiate sex a couple times a weeks, also keeping it intimate in between with backrubs while she was sitting at the kitchen counter or on the computer, giving her a longer hug and kissing her neck and ear lobs, whispering in her ear how beautiful she is, giving her a passionate kiss before work or when she came home, sending her a flirtatious text, etc. And she seems to genuinely enjoy all of this. She just doesn't initiate.

However, this week I slowed down to see if she would initiate, and as a result we haven't had sex, hugged, kissed or even so much as held hands in over a week. She hasn't even said "Hey, get over here and kiss me you big lug!"

She reads every night before we go to sleep. Generally she reads romance novels, but recently she has been reading more erotic books. She can read a steaming scene, turn out the lights and go to sleep. I've picked up the book in the morning and read the last few pages where she stopped reading the night before, and thought "Wow, how could you not roll over and climb on top of me after reading that?"

[Hugo-B]

I'm particularly glad the last two can be ruled out.

So, just to clarify, so far we know she,

1) masturbates and purports not to fantasize about anything when she does;

2) will have sex, and climax, but ONLY when you initiate, and is ONLY prepared to receive pleasure and not give it;

3) it's highly unlikely she's having an affair, so isn't getting sex elsewhere;

4) as far as we know her attitude has not been negatively impacted by any kind of unpleasant sexual experience/s;

5) if you don't initiate sex, she's quite happy to go without it;

6) she's always been a selfish lover.

Is she only selfish in the bedroom?

[Hugo-B]

Is your wife quite a sensible person, worries quite a lot and cares what other people think?

Do you ever beg when you want sex, or does she seem to enjoy making you go without?

[JonDoe]

jondoe, how is the rest of your relationship with your wife. Is this strictly an issue in the bedroom, or does this selfishness extend to daily life? If it is the latter, then that is what you need to be working towards. When you have a better relationship in general, the sex will follow.

If this is only in the bedroom, then obviously talk to her about it. Maybe even demonstrate, ie have one session where you just focus on your own pleasure, don't get her off, maybe make a critical comment during sex, etc. I know this sounds harsh, but if she doesn't listen to reason, I feel its time to take more aggressive steps. You didn't get the current results in your sex life until you really put your foot down. Maybe its time to do the same again. Of course, always talk about how all that makes you feel afterwards. You want her to see how it makes you feel.

She has been selfish outside the bedroom in other ways too. She will talk about her day, but not bother to ask about mine, she is only interested in watching shows that she likes, which I will occasionally watch with her so we are at least together connecting for a few minutes during the evening or on weekends. She has no interest in shows that I like, and will leave the room if I am watching TV. The other day she agreed to watch football with me, and claims to all her friends and on her Facebook page that she is a fan of our local football team. However, after 30 minutes she said she as tired and going to bed. When I went to bed 2 hours later she was still reading her erotic book. She said I was opexaggerating and she had only been upstairs reading for 30 minutes and watched the game for 90 minutes. Except I took a screenshot on my iPhone when she went upstairs because I knew she would read for 1-2 hours, and say otherwise.

For years, our relationship has been one of roommates, with occasional benefits. This was a mostly the result of her turning me down for sex and most forms of intimacy. When we would talk about it, she would get upset and cry or get mad so we generally never made progress, things continued to get to the point of us only having sex a few times a year. Certainly, knowing she doesn't initiate, I should have kept pursuing her, but the rejection was tough for me to deal with. Honestly, I should have sought sex therapy and counseling a very, very long time ago. Instead, I buried myself in work and other things that kept my mind busy and my body tired.

I've talked about it with her several times, and it wasn't an easy conversation to have because she becomes defensive very quickly even thouh I started off with several things that I am thankful for in our relationship, and then move to one thing that would make me even happier. Eventually, she admitted that she sees my point of view, that she realizes now that she is a selfish lover, and to give her time to change -- "Rome wasn't built in a day".

That was nearly a month ago. Since then, one night she said "Tonight is all about you." She undressed me, I layed down on the bed, then she stroked my penis a few times until I was hard, then climbed on top me and waited for me to do the rest. I went limp thinking "How is this all about me. Forgoing me giving you oral first makes it all about me?"

Perhaps I am expecting too much. Or perhaps she just has issues. I really don't know.

[DreamP346]

I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe next time she says "tonight is all about you," tell her exactly what to do. She sounds like she has a selfish personality. So being giving probably doesn't come naturally. She might be trying, but just doesn't know how. Remember, she had spent years just thinking about her own needs only. Maybe you need to give her specific directions. Not just say you would like oral during sex, but when you guys are getting it on, gently push her down there and ask her. Maybe while you are going down on her, twist around for a 69

[JonDoe]

Is your wife quite a sensible person, worries quite a lot and cares what other people think?

Do you ever beg when you want sex, or does she seem to enjoy making you go without?

She genuinely cares for her friends and will go out of her way for them. In fact, she has admitted several times that she gives more of herself to them then she does to me, and each time said she needs to work on that. She is sensible, but not always logical. However, she generally doesn't worry much. She really doesn't care what other people think. She is care free and fun loving, especially with friends. I never met her mother because she died when my wife was a teenager, but I sense from talking with her father when he was alive that she was a handful too.

Do I ever beg for sex? Not in a pitiful way no. I will try to persuade her, and let her know how much I want to make love to her, but I don't beg out of desperation or throw a tantrum if that is what you mean.

I have never sensed her getting enjoyment from withholding or controlling me with sex. I honestly think that she keeps herself busy checking things off her todo list, and sex just isn't on the list. I've tried to be funny and add it to her list a few times over the years, and she just scratches it out, and makes no comment. I walk the dogs during the week. She walks the dogs twice a day on the weekend, and as much as an hour each time, and then tells me she is too tired or doesnt have the energy for sex. If that isn't the excuse, then it is too early or too late in the day.

I've offered numerous times to take anything off her list, but she says "you are busy too." In fact, I recently told her I was going to take everything off her list for one month so she could relax and have the energy for us to be together as a couple, but she didn't like that idea. Thought it was foolish. She knows me well enough that I would kept my word even if it meant I was grocery shopping at 2am. I can function when I'm exhausted whereas she cannot.

I work 50 or more hours per week; she works part-time outside the house. We have had two ladies clean our house for at least the last 12 years. I generally taxi the kids to/from practice and work, attend parent orientations at school, take the kids to the doctor, dentist and orthodontist. I send her to the spa so she can relax and unwind. She gets her nails and hair done routinely.

One problem as I see it that I fall much lower on her list below religion, kids, dogs, friends, work, volunteering, watching TV and reading. I'm not asking her to put me before God or even the kids at the moment, but I have told her that in a few years the kids will start a life of there own, and if we don't have a strong relationship, we may not be together much longer after that commitment has been filled. She agrees and makes promises to work on us and to change, but even though I try to hold her accountable, she doesn't make good on those promises.

[JonDoe]

Maybe you need to give her specific directions.

LOL. She admittedly doesn't take directions well. I've tried a few times putting my hands around hers and stroking my penis as we lay in bed together after I pleasured her. She is still trying to control the tempo, which kinda makes me laugh when I think about it because she always tried to lead when we would slow dance too. I wonder is this is because she needs to be in control or is it simply that she doesn't slow down and think while she is doing it? However, if it was simply a need to be in control, why wouldn't she take control in the bedroom?

I'm sure it seems that I am being very negative and saying she isn't good at anything, but that is definitely not the case. She is a fabulous cook, a good mother, and a warm and caring friend to a number of special female friends in her life.