[Hugo-B]

Good for you Jon, TBH, I've never been in your situation - what we really need here is someone who has who managed to turn it around - but we haven't got that so we'll all have to do what we do best here which is pull together and collaborate.

You could try a few things here which could help you establish a 'flavor' of what she might like.

My money is on HER getting off on dominating you, of could I could be wrong - and often am - but it will certainly be fun finding out, and once you have you should be better equipped to know what will get your wife going.

This is what I would try;

1) you know what she likes, i.e., having her neck and ears kissed, this gets most girls 'going', so perhaps try little 'testers', when she's preparing food just experiment with her by walking up and standing behind her, putting your arms around her waist and kissing her. Then slide your hands down her arms to her wrists and pin her hands onto the table. If she doesn't complain slide your foot in-between her legs and kick them apart. Gauge her response and even if she does respond favorably just leave her hanging, especially if the kids are out

2) If she only likes receiving you can learn to 'dance in the rain' and try and make the most of it (for now). Would she let you restrain her? This can be simple and mild like just using a silk scarf to tie her hands to the bed. I would 'tease' her into agreeing. Don't ask her to do more than receive, but get her started and tell her you'd like it if you could tie her hands back (or whatever). Get her started off, pull out and tease her (whatever/however you two do it) then pause and say, 'if you want me to carry on I'm going to need to stick something in your mouth first... NB: I'm not saying tie her up and abuse her! The point of this is to see if she'll respond favorably to being restrained and teased into doing at least a minimum amount of work. You get the idea... If she complains or wont then you can just finish her off or untie her, no bad...

3) As I said, my money is on her being the closet 'dom' here. Unleashing this and gauging her response may be more difficult but well worth the effort in the end. Plus, since you're about to give her the 'ultimatum' it's worth exhausting all possibilities before you do. The way I've broached this subject with girls is to just mention casually but seriously that I've bought something we could try together. The key is to maintain confidence at all times so neither of you feel stupid.

I'm not sure exactly what you like or if you had anything in mind, but I'm guessing simply unleashing the tigress in her would be a good start, so we'll not aim for anything specific. Next time you have an argument, for example the one you had after you tried the spanking idea, you could have asked her to spank you, slap you in the face, or spit in your mouth (surprisingly nice IMO) see how she reacts, if she's reticent then simply say 'try it, I WANT you to', and kneel down in front of her. There's tons of stuff like this you could do, basically try implementing a system where she gets to administer erotic punishment upon you when you are 'bad'. Combine this with the teasing (initiating sex then starting her up and then stopping without go right through with it) and they'll hopefully be 100 shades of JD!

TBH if none of this works I don't think I can offer any more advice, I've never been in a relationship like this so am already unable to speak from an empirical perspective.

Good luck

[DreamP346]

Power play is something that has to be negotiated before hand so you both are on the same page and there is no misinterpretation. Although from what you have told us, I don't know what page your wife is on. BTW tears are a way many women use to control/win an argument. Did you notice when she didn't have a good argument she started crying. I really thing you guys need counselling. Your wife needs somebody else to show her her errors because she obviously isn't listening to you.

Sorry our other advice didn't work out for you. I do think your wife would still like some power play especially if she likes the 50 Shades book. She just may not be willing to own up to it. Discuss before hand what you guys are going to play at. Set a safety word. This why you can still press forward if she says no but not the safety word. Tell her you are going to make her 50 Shades fantasy come true but she can't do what she did last time by giving you mixed signals. Talk it through before hand and don't assume. That's where you get into trouble.

I still think you guys needs to see a marriage therapist as well

Good luck

[Hugo-B]

Power play is something that has to be negotiated before hand so you both are on the same page and there is no misinterpretation. Although from what you have told us, I don't know what page your wife is on. BTW tears are a way many women use to control/win an argument. Did you notice when she didn't have a good argument she started crying. I really thing you guys need counselling. Your wife needs somebody else to show her her errors because she obviously isn't listening to you.

Sorry our other advice didn't work out for you. I do think your wife would still like some power play especially if she likes the 50 Shades book. She just may not be willing to own up to it. Discuss before hand what you guys are going to play at. Set a safety word. This why you can still press forward if she says no but not the safety word. Tell her you are going to make her 50 Shades fantasy come true but she can't do what she did last time by giving you mixed signals. Talk it through before hand and don't assume. That's where you get into trouble.

I still think you guys needs to see a marriage therapist as well

Good luck

Good to hear a woman admit the tears to support power-play technique!!! x

[JonDoe]

Power play is something that has to be negotiated before hand so you both are on the same page and there is no misinterpretation. Although from what you have told us, I don't know what page your wife is on. BTW tears are a way many women use to control/win an argument. Did you notice when she didn't have a good argument she started crying. I really thing you guys need counselling. Your wife needs somebody else to show her her errors because she obviously isn't listening to you.

Sorry our other advice didn't work out for you. I do think your wife would still like some power play especially if she likes the 50 Shades book. She just may not be willing to own up to it. Discuss before hand what you guys are going to play at. Set a safety word. This why you can still press forward if she says no but not the safety word. Tell her you are going to make her 50 Shades fantasy come true but she can't do what she did last time by giving you mixed signals. Talk it through before hand and don't assume. That's where you get into trouble.

I still think you guys needs to see a marriage therapist as well

Good luck

That is what I don't understand about her. She is really into these books. About a third of the way in the first book, she gave a little background on the characters and said "You should read it too." She reads every day and twice a day on weekends. She read last night after fighting with me before going to bed. I've suggested things like her reading and texting me after a good part when she is horny and I would come to bed and ravage her, she agreed that would be hot, but two books later and she still hasn't followed through. I suggested she mark the page of a good part, and then read it to me, figuring she may have an easier time reading the words from the book than expressing what she would like in her own words. Again, she agreed, but no follow through. After we started sleeping together, I even suggested she read a good part of the book while I'm laying in bed reading on my iPad, and then I would make love to her afterwards, still waiting on that one too.

Discussing anything about sex is a huge struggle with her, which is why I have been hinting around playfully with texts and whispering in her ear, and she seemed receptive "I could enjoy a few good whacks on the ***!" I have spanked her a few times recently in the kitchen when she walked by fully clothed and in the bedroom fully naked, and she made sounds of enjoying it. Now, this wasn't hard enough to actually hurt, but it was enough force to get ones attention as a way of easing into it without making her uncomfortable talking about it. Whereas many years ago, I spanked her *** a few times while doing her from behind and she grabbed my hand and said don't ever do that again.

Sometimes I think she does use crying to win an argument. I've know that for years.

We agreed to let it rest today, she is still very upset. But when we do talk again, I will definitely try to get her to open up, if possible. She has refused counseling the last few times I broached the subject.

[Hugo-B]

Jon, just to confirm SP346's advice I was chatting to a therapist I see out occasionally, I mentioned this thread to her and explained the situation briefly and she said your wife needs therapy, sorry.

[JonDoe]

Jon, just to confirm SP346's advice I was chatting to a therapist I see out occasionally, I mentioned this thread to her and explained the situation briefly and she said your wife needs therapy, sorry.

No way she would agree up front to seeing a sex therapist. She has refused to seek marriage counseling several times recently, but I will schedule an appointment and go a few times alone and then tell her I am in counseling and it would really benefit me and us if she joined me for a few sessions.

[Hugo-B]

That's all you can do mate, good luck.

[Wise]

We are married to the same women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND LET ME ASSURE YOU THE ANSWER IN NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

If your even have the slighest bit of expectation that it will get better you are DELUSIONAL.

AND WITH AGE IT GETS WORSE.

I have been married 23 years, and have two children with my wife who are all but grown. In many respects my wife is a lovely person. Well educated, smart, from a good family that I like, a successful career, good in public, attractive, etc. Income/ asset wise we are in the top 5% and money has never been a problem with us. We go to lots of parties and family events, school events, neighborhood events, etc., and everyone thinks we are a great couple.

What the problem -- same as with your wife -- you and I are about 25th on our wive's priorority list. I call me wife at work to tell her about something of interest in my career or about something personal and she either tells me she is too busy to talk, or I can tell she is pre-occupied with her computer. I come home and want to tell her about me day and she could care less. On weekends I want to do things together that enhance companship, freindship, and romance and she looks up from her book with this look like -- this novel is very important - why don't you leave me alone. We go out for a romantice dinner and she spends the entire evening talking about her work or returning emails with her Blackberry.

And of course sex is the worst. While my wife generally has great orgasims she is not willing to put any effort into sex; her objective is to have me stick it in her, cum as fast as I can and then for her to go back to her book. I almost have to force her to have any foreplay -- and that is never mutual. It is me playing or eatingh her until she has an orgasim and then sticking it in her with her hoping I can come quickly.

I should point out that many women would consider me a great husband. I am educated, successful, have a great career, a lot of respectin the community, and polished. I do about 90% of the household work, the shopping, when the children were I little took care of them about 70% of the time, buy my wife a present at least once an month, etc.

My advice to you is if you are young get rid of this selfish lady right away. The longer you are married the harder it is -- it gets complicated with things like children, houses, investments, retirements, etc.

As for me I made the decision fairly early on to stick it out. Why? I am older than she is and have raised a child before by myself. We got married and had children right away. I have a great relationship with my children and an really close to them. In 4 years the youngest will be out of college. Since I am younger than my wife, we have talked about me retiring or cutting way back when our youngest finishes college. We have also talked about downsizing our house when our youngest is about half way through college, buying a much smaller house in the city and buying a small house in the courntry -- this is really more my wife's idea than mine. What my wife does not realize is while I put up today with her as soon as my son is in the last year of college I am going to retire and simply stay at the country house all the time. In other words she is no longer important to me, I am tired of being lonely, my children are doing well, and I am about ready to create a new life for myself with minimun involvement from her.

Like I said -- IT GETS WORSE WITH AGE. GET RID OF HER NOW.

[JonDoe]

I have been married 23 years, and have two children with my wife who are all but grown. In many respects my wife is a lovely person. Well educated, smart, from a good family that I like, a successful career, good in public, attractive, etc. Income/ asset wise we are in the top 5% and money has never been a problem with us. We go to lots of parties and family events, school events, neighborhood events, etc., and everyone thinks we are a great couple.

Yes, this is quite similar. Thankfully, we never fight about money.

I do about 90% of the household work, the shopping, when the children were little I took care of them about 70% of the time, buy my wife a present at least once an month, etc.

In this regard, our circumstances are quite a bit different. In fact, nearly exact opposites. When our first child was born, my wife put her career on hold until the youngest finished grade school. Even after going back to work a few years ago, my wife does 90% of the work running the household, except the major cleaning, lawn care and landscaping, which we pay for services, and I do most of the taxi service for the kids, but she does some too. I work 50-60 hours a week, and for most of our marriage I had a 2-3 hour daily commute as well, and now my wife works 30 hours outside the house. Time wise it is a balance that seems fair to both of us; however, she does complain about being so busy, and from time to time she says she would like me to help more around the house. However, I make 3/4 of our income, so cutting back on work to help more around the house isn't the best option. When we sit down to talk about it and I offer to do more, she realizes how busy I am too, and that it wouldn't be fair for me to take a significant portion of the household duties. I'd gladly take on more if it helped our marriage, and I do offer, but she is the one that says it wouldn't be fair to me.

As far as sex is concerned, she doesn't want me to rush, she just leaves it all to me, except the decision on whether we have sex or not, in which case she has the final say. For far too long, she would usually say no, and not just "Not tonight honey", but in a negative tone, which felt more like rejection each time. Sex seems like another chore for her, even though she gets the most physical pleasure from it. Everyone deals with rejection in life, but long term rejection from your spouse is a very tough pill to swallow, and a form of torture. The more you go without, the more you think about and want it, which can be quite consuming.

We are definitely working on it, and "Wise" I hope you and your wife can work on it too.

[Ahryin]

I was popping back to see how things were going and the more information you give the more I believe your wife uses crying and sex as a control method. This does not mean she is not a good person, just that she knows you well and knows exactly how to get what she wants or doesn't want from you. She doesn't want to go to therapy because she will have to face this and many other things. The thing with this is she has no real reason to change, you are going to stay regardless none of this is a deal breaker for you so she is very comfortable in this knowledge.

Question:

If she doesn't have an issue giving BJ's etc then why does she have an issue giving them to you? My questions would be geered directly towards me and not so general

Also all that sympathy thing would be thrown out the window...my response would be "What are the tears for (insert wife's name) I haven't hit you, cussed at you, i'm not hurting you and i'm not even raising my voice...you want to speak to me like a grown up then speak but cry on your own time.

Like I said before I'm not a very nice person at times and have a low tollerance for bull...to me it's just her way of being selfish and getting away with it...aka by making you feel like it's your fault vs. dealing with her own personal demons

Good Luck with this one, I will tell you that until you put your foot down and actually demand she seek therapy no change will occur. Honestly therapy might not even work unless she wants it to