[margie123]

My husband likes to watch movie from cable X rated. I really don't understand it. We will be watching regular TV, I will start off with feeling him & working into a BJ. The he's hard & ready to go, then he'll say lets get a movie, I'm like what for? He says for training films. Well I have just come to say ok, otherwise it's like he's then just wanting to get it over with. So if we get the movie he is more involved & to a certain level I am to. But what ticks me off is when we are having sex or I'm giving him a BJ, instead of looking at me or what I'm doing he's watching who's on the screen & changing chanels, It's a instant turn off, & I want to just go to bed at that point. It's come to the point I just want to get it over with & close my eyes. Then last night, he helps me get off ( which I have always had a problem with that) then he starts watching news I fall asleep. About 1 hour later I turn to adjust my pillow, he hops on top & inserts, 20 seconds he's done, I look at the screen & there is the dirty movie on again. Please tell me if I'm overthinking this, I could just explode. To me I feel like I'm just no doing it for him, though we don't always watch movies. Also he gets BJ's all the time, quickies ect....but for him to go down on me, I beg, I ask but he always says it smells, I could just come out of the shower & that's his excuse, but I think that is always his excuse, he always says were watching training films buy I think he 's had enough training. Believe me if I would refuse to give hime a BJ untill I get head, that would be WW3.Sorry so it's alot to take in, but I feel sick to my stomach

[jns]

A guy who wants to give a woman oral will hardly be dissuaded by a woman's natural scent where as one who doesn't will come up with any excuse. I'm sure you have a delightful scent.

Others may disagree with me, but generally I feel that porn has no place in the bedroom and no need. Yes, you may be able to get more excited seeing the body of someone else, but doing that will hurt your partner. That is being selfish or deliberately hurtful.

Has your husband always been this way? If not, when did he change?

[margie123]

Ready to blow

A guy who wants to give a woman oral will hardly be dissuaded by a woman's natural scent where as one who doesn't will come up with any excuse. I'm sure you have a delightful scent.

Others may disagree with me, but generally I feel that porn has no place in the bedroom and no need. Yes, you may be able to get more excited seeing the body of someone else, but doing that will hurt your partner. That is being selfish or deliberately hurtful.

Has your husband always been this way? If not, when did he change?

I think it all happened about 4 years, when an old boyfriend called, I did not talk to him I told him he had the wrong #. My husband was in the room, I told him who it was, I had nothing to hide. It blew up into a large daily/nightly fight until I did finally admit I had slept with him once, & broke up. But since then he has alway thought I still have ties with him and you have a wrong # was code for call me back. I had not talked to him for 10 years before that. I will also say this same person had broke us up 27 years ago, so he knows him & hates him. So he also has this to throw in my face if I don't want to watch movies. I do feel when we watch these movies he's looking at other girls & touching me, it has really been making me sick, but if I say no I would rather not watch, he will either ask again & againuntil I give in. If we don't watch he does not get into it, is that on purpose, not sure. He always come back with I have only made love to you, so what I'm watching on the screen has no meaning. I have tried shutting off the TV when we are getting more into it, but he turnes it right back on. I wish more people would of responded, he thinks I'm crazy for feeling this way. I know some will say if this bothers you you don't have alot of self esteem, which I don't. I'm overwieght, I hear that all the time. The list goes..

[Stillness]

I know some will say if this bothers you you don't have alot of self esteem

Self-esteem issues or not, I think it's fair to not want a third party involved in your intimate activity. I agree with jns that it's unnecessary and harmful. I actually used to do it when I was dating, but not since I've been married. I'm all for a variety in sexual expression and satisfaction, but the bond between husband and wife is still sacred.

When you say you slept with your boyfriend, you mean since you've been married or before? You say he broke you up, but during your marriage?

[margie123]

Blow up

Self-esteem issues or not, I think it's fair to not want a third party involved in your intimate activity. I agree with jns that it's unnecessary and harmful. I actually used to do it when I was dating, but not since I've been married. I'm all for a variety in sexual expression and satisfaction, but the bond between husband and wife is still sacred.

When you say you slept with your boyfriend, you mean since you've been married or before? You say he broke you up, but during your marriage?

We were in High School togther & after school dated for 2 months then I went into the Army, we wrote and were still dating. 1 year later he joined the Army to be with me. Yes I cheated during that time with 1 person (kissing & more but NO sex) with a fellow airman before he came to be with me. I had every intention to be with him again. But when he came to the base I relize I had deep feelings for the fellow airman, & my husband now seemed different, feelings were not the same. So I broke up with my now husband. 6- months later I broke up with the airman & went back with my now husband. I never asked him what he did with anyone & vis versa. We got married & got out of the military. The x boyfriend did call a few times we talk, just info to see how each was doing, & my husband was there each time. We moved & he called the new home twice & at that point my husband said never to speak to him again. I remember being upset at the time because he talks to a girlfriend & has even gone to parties & a Wedding I know she will be at & told be he did not want me to go. (I do anderstand he did not cheet with her on me) The break-up happened 27 years ago. But when this guy called 4- years ago it brought back all the bad memories, & husband thought something was going on. After a very bad verbal lashing, day & night of being called every name in the book, I confessed(it was like police interagation), told him I did have sex with him but while we were broke up. I was wrong in every way, I was young, & now think I was very stupid. I still cry daily as to what I put him thru, But I would never in a million years do anything like that again. What was your question? Now last night I brought up I did not like him watching the movies while I was sleeping, then expecting sex because he's ready to go after watching other people having sex, he laughed, said there no harm because he has never had sex with anyone else. I have no come back, because I did. But it's like this will never be behind us, because every argument we get in pertaining to other girls, relationship ect.... I don't have a leg to stand on. I am coming to my wits end, I think I am asking my family Dr for medication, I know I have had a anxiety attack(I called the hospital, thought I was having a heart attack) We have already talked divorce many times but seems to get better. I did find out he had gotten oral sex when were were broke up, but because I cheated on him I can't bring that up, I caused him to go elsewhere when I broke up with him & also like Pres Clinton says that's not sex. He has in our relationship blamed me for my infertile issues on my having intercorse with the other person, or our sons not his, this guys last I know lives across the country. Long & short it makes me sick that while he's touching me he's looking at other girls & changing channels to see what better girls are doing. This helps me to let this out. Thanks

[Stillness]

So, basically, he's making you pay for something you did as a young woman before you were even married? You do have a leg to stand on. You're his wife and he should respect you. You haven't violated your marriage vows. When you marry someone it's sort of like a pardon on all the pre-marriage stupidity and you're starting on a new path together, unless you withheld some unfaithfulness, which you had not. You told him about making out with the other dude and he married you anyway, right? The sex was not cheating.

Probably in his mind someone else has been between your legs, so he doesn't want full intimacy. That's why he's looking at other people instead of focusing on you. Maybe to punish you. Maybe to protect his own emotions from being hurt by betrayal again. Maybe both. The problem is that he's denying both of you the fulfillment that comes from dignified intimacy.

When you're not being intimate and when things are cooled down, ask him if it's possible for you to earn his respect and trust. If so, ask him how. Stress to him that as his wife you have been completely faithful for 27 years and that you never will break those vows. Ask him if he thinks that you two could ever get to the point where you both meet all of the other person's needs without involving anybody or anything else. When my wife commands the most attention with me when the problem is me is when she's cool and logical, not emotional. You may have to project an air of self-respect too, even if you don't feel it. You have to get him to start respecting you and that may start with respecting yourself. 27 years is a long time to be with one person faithfully. That says a lot about your character. The other guy knows how valuable you are which is why he's still sniffing around decades latter. I don't know if it's just friendly or what, but something about you draws people. Your husband knows too. That's why he wants to keep you away from the other guy. That's a proper feeling. Now he just needs to express it properly. The question is, do you know how valuable you are?

[DreamP346]

This is beyond a sexual issue. Your husband is using porn to punish you for past relationships. Goodness, it was a lifetime ago. My advice is to go to marriage therapy. Your husband needs to let go of the past and start respecting you. You need to stand up for yourself a d have more self esteem.

Porn and any other sexual stuff (acts, toys, additional partners) should be something that both partners enjoy. If one partner is manipulating the other into doing something, that is selfish and harmful to the relationship. He says no harm done because he is not sleeping with somebody else. What about the pain and distress it causes you? Does that not count as harm?

You guys need to have a heart to heart talk. No yelling. He needs to be able to express his hurt feelings about the past and you need to tell him how watching porn is hurting you. If he doesn't care about your feelings, then that is another matter.

[margie123]

Thank you

This is beyond a sexual issue. Your husband is using porn to punish you for past relationships. Goodness, it was a lifetime ago. My advice is to go to marriage therapy. Your husband needs to let go of the past and start respecting you. You need to stand up for yourself a d have more self esteem.

Porn and any other sexual stuff (acts, toys, additional partners) should be something that both partners enjoy. If one partner is manipulating the other into doing something, that is selfish and harmful to the relationship. He says no harm done because he is not sleeping with somebody else. What about the pain and distress it causes you? Does that not count as harm?

You guys need to have a heart to heart talk. No yelling. He needs to be able to express his hurt feelings about the past and you need to tell him how watching porn is hurting you. If he doesn't care about your feelings, then that is another matter.

Thank you all who replied. I do think I'm someone special. I know people like me & I'm easy to get along with. But I also say what kind of person was I to hurt him so. At times I feel like saying done, lets split, I'm so worn out. I do have to pick the exact right moment. When we get into this & it goes south & he shuts me out for days. And I always end up saying I'm sorry 1st. The one thing also we always get into, is that I told him I slept with another person before we married, during a break up. He always said If you love you you never would have told me. I had no choice he drug it out of me after days & nights of battles. So he always says I would never tell you if I had sex with someone else. So it's like he saying he did but would never tell me. I'll respond again when he brings up the movie thing. I will let him know how this hurts me. Thanks for all the great advise everyone

[margie123]

follow-up on about to blow

Thank you all who replied. I do think I'm someone special. I know people like me & I'm easy to get along with. But I also say what kind of person was I to hurt him so. At times I feel like saying done, lets split, I'm so worn out. I do have to pick the exact right moment. When we get into this & it goes south & he shuts me out for days. And I always end up saying I'm sorry 1st. The one thing also we always get into, is that I told him I slept with another person before we married, during a break up. He always said If you love you you never would have told me. I had no choice he drug it out of me after days & nights of battles. So he always says I would never tell you if I had sex with someone else. So it's like he saying he did but would never tell me. I'll respond again when he brings up the movie thing. I will let him know how this hurts me. Thanks for all the great advise everyone

Well since the movie's we watched, we have done nothing. I think he know's he's hurt me, but when it comes up he will act like he did not think he's done anything wrong. Two of the past night he did not shower so I took that hint, the other night we did work hard during the day so fell asleep, last night I hugged him & said in the mood, he said he had a back-ache. I did try, but I don't think I can watch these movies again knowing he getting very arroused by other women. Since then he has not said he loves me, that's another thing he knows bothers me, I can say love you good-night, or lave you have a great day, he will agree but not say love you back. I can also count on my one hand how many time he has said I look good when we go out or anytime, this is another thing he know bothers me. If I say how do I look he says fine, I married you didn't I, or I built you this house, whats that say?

[DreamP346]

If I say how do I look he says fine, I married you didn't I, or I built you this house, whats that say?

Next time he says something like that, remind him Prince Charles married Diana. He gave her an entire kingdom. But he never loved her.

But seriously, you guys really do need to talk. Put your foot down and tell him he can't watch any movies until you guys talk it through because its hurting your marriage.