[Godiva1]

I've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years, we are both 24 and we get on amazingly even though we're so different. We were friends for three years before we became a couple which I think has played a part in how we are together now. During the time we've been together we have had several break ups over stupid things however, we are now closer than ever and are very happy except for our sex life.

From the beginning we never really had a lot of sex but now it has got to the stage were it is only once every two months and then it is normally only when we have been drinking.

After we had been together for three months I spoke to my boyfriend about the fact I wasn't orgasming during sex, but made sure I told him no one before him had mae me orgasm during sex either and I told him that I wanted him to pay more attention to me during foreplay as it seemed to just be about what he wanted then straight to sex. He said he was glad I spoke to him and that he would put in more effort. He did in the beginning however it only lasted a few weeks before we were back to where we started. I mentioned the same things again about 6 months later only this time he didn't put more effort in we just gradually had sex less and less. Over the last two years from when I first spoke to him I have probably brought the issue up around 10 times in total.

Things have just got worse and worse to the point he can barely maintain an erection when we are together anymore. H e tells me he isn't in the mood for sex but i'll see he's been watching porn. I've tried waiting for it to pass, talking to him, trying new things but nothing seems to get him interested.

He has said when he has spoke about it that he worries things will go wrong so he would just rather not have sex so he doesn't have to worry about it and that i will just have to wait until he feels differently but so far it has been two years and nothing's changed. Even at the beginning when we did have sex I was always the one to initiate it and when we do have sex it feels more like a one night stand rather than the initimacy you would expect from nearly a three year relationship.

If it is true he worries whether I enjoy it I can't understand why he would not just try and put more effort in rather than stop althogether and on the rare occasion we do sleep together it is all about what he wants he never touches me for more than 30 seconds before jumping to the sex and in the time we have been together he has never once done anything just for me to enjoy myself. He says he knows it selfish but doesn't change it.

He says it's not nice for him to hear I haven't enjoyed it before so he doesn't want to talk about it and I should except that. During an argument over it he has said that he doesn't caere whether I enjoy it or that he isn't attracted to me only for him to quickly apologise and say he can't take the pressure of it. He has also said that before me he never had this problem before but it's different as it's the first time he's had sex in a relationship.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I love him and I know 100% that he hasn't cheated so it can't be down to guilt but he just keeps telling me he doesn't know what the problem is. I've tried reassuring him that I love sleeping with him but after over two years of having sex one every two months I don't know what else I can do or how much longer I can wait hoping that it will just pass.

I would be really grateful for any advice or idea as to whats going on! x

[DreamP346]

I'm sorry to raise this question, but could he be gay?

[Godiva1]

Someone suggested this to me before. Without sounding naive I am certain that he isn't. He has never shown any interest in the same sex in the time I've known him and isn't the type to not acknowledge it if he is. Do you have any other reason why you think he could have these problems?

[Stillness]

he just keeps telling me he doesn't know what the problem is...Things have just got worse and worse to the point he can barely maintain an erection when we are together anymore. H e tells me he isn't in the mood for sex but i'll see he's been watching porn...During an argument over it he has said that he doesn't caere whether I enjoy it or that he isn't attracted to me only for him to quickly apologise and say he can't take the pressure of it.

I doubt he's gay. He's gotten used to pornography where the sex is all about him and what he wants and is ready to go at the click of a finger. He doesn't need to focus on anyone's enjoyment but his own. He's relating to you like he would the pornography, except that doesn't work with a real person. He's struggling because his sexuality has probably developed around the porn.

If you're both happy and get along well he's probably attracted to you. It's not you. He's searching for a reason why he's malfunctioning and not satisfying you and is ignorant or in denial that it's something he enjoys doing, because that would mean that to have a normal healthy relationship he'd have to give it up. That is being projected onto you. He may also just have less of a libido.

[Godiva1]

This does make sense as before we were together he only had sex when it was a one night stand. He says he has slept with 7 people, although I don't know who they could be and aside from me has only ever slept with one person more than once and then it was only about 4 times. Maybe his idea of sex has developed through porn and he doesn't know the difference between what he watches and the reality of it?

[Stillness]

It's possible he just doesn't know how to relate to you, but that's easy to teach. The real problem is probably that his mind and maybe his body (your vagina can't grip like his hand) are conditioned to pornography and masturbation. It's like being raised on salty, sweet, greasy fast food. Your body starts to crave it and healthy food doesn't taste as good. It doesn't matter how much you know intellectually that it's bad, it's hooked into you physically and mentally. It has to be cut out.

[JonDoe]

He says it's not nice for him to hear I haven't enjoyed it before so he doesn't want to talk about it and I should except that. During an argument over it he has said that he doesn't care whether I enjoy it or that he isn't attracted to me only for him to quickly apologize and say he can't take the pressure of it.

I can't believe others jump to the conclusion after one post that the boyfriend is either gay or has an issue with porn.

It sounds to me that he is "hearing" that you don't enjoy penis-in-vagina sex with him, which to him is the main act. Would he drag you to a concert if you only liked the opening act and didn't like the main act? This is most likely the root of the problem. I'm guessing he is feeling insecure. You need to help him understand that you love him and his penis, and that you enjoy intercourse as well. Let him know that intercourse is even more pleasurable and intense after receiving oral and having an orgasm. This way he knows he is building up to something instead of thinking that you are just lying there for his enjoyment, which would make plenty of guys go limp.

Perhaps there is something missing for him as well and he is not comfortable talking about it. Have you asked him what he wants, likes or dislikes?

... in the time we have been together he has never once done anything just for me to enjoy myself.

Have you done anything just for him to enjoy himself? Perhaps a BJ or handjob with no strings attached? I'm not suggesting you haven't, just trying to help see both sides of the coin.

[Hugo-B]

One other thing worth ruling out which could explain a low sex drive and difficulty maintaining an erection, could he have hormonal problems?

If he has gained fat and lost muscle, or has very low muscle mass and is a bit chubby, especially around the face, chest and waist then he could have hormonal problems. It's a long shot but worth eliminating.

The erection problems will explain him rushing through sex, he does it so he can complete the act before losing his erection.

[jns]

It sounds to me, with him not being the one to initiate, that he doesn't have a lot of confidence in himself. Then you demanded more; you demanded he look after your needs, also. This ended up being emasculating for him, leading to the rest of the symptoms and problems. The lack of confidence could be from an organic problem as bb said.

One thing about looking after your needs, especially manually or orally, is that he doesn't need an erection or to ejaculate to do that. All he has to do is get his head around that idea. If you are requiring him to bring you to orgasm during intercourse; it requires two to make that happen with you mentally getting excited being maybe the greatest part of it. His part being to produce the right motion, with the right hardness, for the right amount of time.

[DreamP346]

Godiva1, there is so much going on in your relationship that I think you guys needs to see a therapist. It difficult to pin point what the issues are based on the feedback you have provided. Just to give you some examples:

I ask the gay question because it seems he is not attracted to you and only can have sex when intoxicated or under the thrill of being with somebody new.

The confident may be an issue if he has lost his erection during sex and also has heard you are not sexually satisfied.

His refusing to discuss the matter says something about the communication in your relationship. Maybe what is needed is better communication.

His way of dealing with the situation by just not having sex says something about him. Are there other things in his past making him totally avoid the subject?

Any of these could be the issue or non of them. Unless your boyfriend is willing to talk with you openly and discuss the issue, you will not figure it out. That is why I suggest getting outside help to delve more into the relationship. if he does not open up, you will never figure out what is going on in his head and will always be assuming what to do next.