[JonDoe]

Dont give up! They say that all the time to people on diets or trying to quit smoking. Dont let a few slips make u throw in the towel. I think its a great idea. Its common knowledge that u must do something 28 days in a row to make it a habit and also the more sex u have the more u want, as it stimulates the brain that way. U are not being unreasonable to request 30 days of full commitment fr her in order to help ur relationship. 30 days in the long run in nothing. Have her do her own research if she doesnt believe u or post her own questions on here. Also if ahe doesnt buy that, there are other programs, i read book that assigned homework assignments to improve intimacy. U did it every day but it wasnt all sex, some was talking about feelings or just looking into eachothers eyes etc. I dont remember the name of it but go check some out at barnes n noble.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I wish someone could explain it to my wife because she simply doesn't get it coming from me and she refuses to go to a sex therapist with me. For example, she thinks a hand job is not something married couples do. When I mentioned to her that it can be fun once in a while or can be a substitute when she has her period, isn't in the mood for intercourse, or just to fill in given the difference in our libidos, she acted like I was absolutely crazy. Hell, I must be crazy for putting up with this for so long.

Then there are comments she made, that I acted on and then she thought I was crazy for that too. Recently she said it might be fun to go to an adult toy store together and pick out a toy. Instead of waiting, I bought a very nice Lelo vibrator and surprised her one night. A few nights later she said she had only suggested it because she thought it was something I might enjoy using on her, as if it was for my pleasure not hers. Now she tells me that she was just joking and never intended to go to the adult toy store or introduce toys into the bedroom and still has no interest. The other night she was talking about wanting a TV in our bedroom, which I have made clear many times is something I do not want. She smiled and winked at me and said "If we get a TV in the bedroom then we can watch adult videos!" However, now she said that was a joke too, and that pornography is definitely off limits. I already had a few female friendly porn videos picked out, but was waiting until we had the house to ourselves. Similarly, when she was reading the 50 Shades trilogy, I asked her if she would like to be spanked and her reponse was "I could enjoy a few good whacks on the ******!", but when I tried to spank her a few minutes later when we went upstairs to have sex, she asked me what the hell I was thought I was doing, where the hell I got the idea that she would like being spanked, and said I was never to spank her, ever. Again,when I reminded her of our conversation, she tried to tell me that she was kidding. WTF?

We have argued every night for the past four nights. Correction, she is the only one arguing. Despite that she is still sort of trying, albeit less than half-heartedly. Last night she tried to make peace with me because I told her I am done. She started giving me a blow job, then switched to a hand job. It wasn't working for me because of her attitude the past few nights, and her lack of enthusiasm to please me, and frankly she gives lousy head, and the hand job was awful as well. Then she told me to finish myself, which certainly isn't the first time.

Tonight, she tells me again that 30 days of sex is a foolish idea and putting too much expectation on her. Then a few minutes later she tells me our friend who also read the 50 Shades triogly started wanting sex with her husband very night, but complained that he only lasted 5 minutes each time, which was frustrating for our friend. So our friend is having sex every night, but I'm crazy for wanting the same for a brief period to put us first for a change and rekindle the passion in our relationship. I'm not sure where my wife was going with that conversation. Ironically, my wife also talked about this same friend going to an adult toy store to spice up sex with her husband, when she recommended that we get some toys too.

Like I said, I am done with this relationship. I told her a few nights ago that I am done and that I should never have put up with lack of intimacy in our relationship for such a long time. Going from not having sex and not talking about it, to having sex and arguing about it, actually seems worse. The problem now is I need to find a good way to move on. Moving out and living on my own and dating again isn't going to be easy. We having been together as a couple for nearly 25 years including time we dated before getting married. At my age the only truly eligible women will also be divorcees with children. I guess I can hope finding an attractive women that left her husband because of lack of sex, but that seems like a very narrow selection.

[Hugo-B]

Jon, it sounds like your wife is playing a bit of a cruel and sadistic 'power play' on you, I think she knows she can use sex as a tool to pull your strings. These pathetic games she's been playing - pulling your strings by offering sex to get her ow way are unacceptable, it is unkind and manipulative. You're a man with a man's needs. There is nothing wrong with that and you should never feel like you have top apologize for it, especially not to your own wife.

I honestly think man's biggest weakness is his insatiable desire for sex, some women will accept it and get on with things, some will abhor it and therefore resist it, whilst others will exploit it mercilessly and use it to their advantage. The latter group receive the majority of their income from alimony cheques :-)

I don;t want to sound like a tool but I think this has been a long time coming. You can hold your head high since you've done everything (and more than most men would have done) to try and rescue this marriage.

On a positive note there a TONS of single horny divorcees, just have a quick look on plenty of fish. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

[Hugo-B]

One last thing, since I'm not all about throwing 20 something years of marriage away...

Jon, have you tried taking charge of your wife, I mean, really taking charge with her? (Before we go further I'll add a disclaimer that obviously 'no' means 'no', and 'stop' means 'stop', but this is your wife of over two decades so I think we have some scope with which to experiment here). Are you sure your wife isn't expecting you to stand up to her with regard to all of this? I had similar problems with my ex (not sex related but 'power-play problems) and I can remember when I started standing up to her (and not just pretending to, or acting like I was, I mean I sincerely got fed up with her and really put my foot down) and I could literally see from the expression on her face that it turned her on.

Have you tried telling her you what you want to do to her - not asking, telling - then dragging her into the bedroom, slapping her backside and then throwing her onto the bed and having your way with her? Obviously if at any time she says, 'no', or 'stop' then do so, but a 'what are you doing?' isn't a stop, that's just a bit of , 'don't think I'm a ****' type resistance. I would give this a try, no offense but I think she's lost respect for you after you've let her walk all over you for so many years. Please don't think I'm being a tool by saying that, I've been there too.

[Claret]

I just need to ask though, is your entire relationship and marriage defined by the sex you have or don't have? If all other aspects of your marriage are good, and you communicate on a daily basis, have common goals and aspirations, retirement plans, money, like the same activities etc, then why would you be willing to toss all of that just for the sake of sex on a daily basis? I can think of relationships I've had wherein the sex was great, but I certainly would not have been able to have any type of meaningful conversation with the guy or form a relationship of common ground that would be sustainable for more than a couple of weeks at a time. If all of that is missing then I'd say yes, perhaps you need to find someone that is more compatible in all the areas. If your marriage ticks off 9 of 10 boxes, then I'd say it might be worth saving, you may just need to negotiate additional terms.

[Hugo-B]

^^^Good point there, I'd say nine out of ten boxes isn't bad :-)

[JonDoe]

I just need to ask though, is your entire relationship and marriage defined by the sex you have or don't have? If all other aspects of your marriage are good, and you communicate on a daily basis, have common goals and aspirations, retirement plans, money, like the same activities etc, then why would you be willing to toss all of that just for the sake of sex on a daily basis? I can think of relationships I've had wherein the sex was great, but I certainly would not have been able to have any type of meaningful conversation with the guy or form a relationship of common ground that would be sustainable for more than a couple of weeks at a time. If all of that is missing then I'd say yes, perhaps you need to find someone that is more compatible in all the areas. If your marriage ticks off 9 of 10 boxes, then I'd say it might be worth saving, you may just need to negotiate additional terms.

It is not just that we aren't having sex on a daily basis, we have only had sex 1 or 2 times a month for most of our marriage and only 3 or 4 times a year for the past 5 years until I made an ultimatum a few months ago.

1. Sex - NO, including non-sexual intimacy
2. Communication - No
3. Family - 2 teenage boys, very stressful most days. Youngest is self-centered like his Mother, perhaps even more so.
4. Money - We generally don't have concerns about money. I make most of it, she spends most of it.
5. Retirement Plans - Have not discussed beyond saying she wants a house on the beach (see #2)
6. Shared Interests - When we have free time, she will either read, watch TV or nap, while I either read on the iPad, watch TV in another room, or work. Very rarely, as in a few times a year, we go out for drinks, appetizers and/or dinner alone as a couple. We rarely get together with friends any more, again a few times a year.
7.
8.
9.
10.

As you can see, I drew a blank after #6. I'd really like to see a full list to make sure I am not making a huge mistake. Please feel free to add a few more categories for me to consider before making an appointment with a divorce lawyer.

[Hugo-B]

No.4 is likely to stay that way if you file for divorce, all I know is that you need top notch legal advice before going down that road or she really will screw you in a way you'll never forget, and not in the sense you've been complaining about.

[Claret]

There is one other aspect to this and I may say "why change the devil you know, for the devil you don't know". The things that won't change with divorce and may actually get worse are:
1. Sex - NO, including non-sexual intimacy You may end up having sex but no intimacy - or eventually a new partner may also put the brakes on sex and you're in the same place.
2. Communication - No You can initiate communication now or . . . see exactly how much your wife will say when she gets to a lawyer. They are very good a drawing out each and every bad thing that they can and it will be communicated loud and clear.
3. Family - 2 teenage boys, very stressful most days. Youngest is self-centered like his Mother, perhaps even more so. This will not change until they grow up and become self sufficient. Most children are self-centered and most children will take advantage of any acrimony in a marriage. They may not be aware they are doing it however, I can almost guarantee that at some point you will be the bad guy.
4. Money - We generally don't have concerns about money. I make most of it, she spends most of it. If you think about it will this get any better? Alimony, child support, legal fees, depending where you live increased schooling costs, medical etc.
5. Retirement Plans - Have not discussed beyond saying she wants a house on the beach (see #2) Can you not initiate these types of conversations. I'd think they are pretty neutral and might incite a bit of excitement when talking about it. Find out if you even have common goals regarding this. If you can afford to do the things you want now, you probably won't be able to afford it after you split assets.
6. Shared Interests - When we have free time, she will either read, watch TV or nap, while I either read on the iPad, watch TV in another room, or work. Very rarely, as in a few times a year, we go out for drinks, appetizers and/or dinner alone as a couple. We rarely get together with friends any more, again a few times a year. What did you like doing together when you were dating? Has she ever expressed an interest (even in passing) that you could go and do together. You may not like it, but at least it would be a starting point.
7. Get her involved in the finances, have her look at or make a budget so that you can have a common financial goal.
8. You get more involved in the kids activities, take part in their day, ride their butts if you have to, but don't remove yourself just because they have bad attitudes or different values. Try to be accepting of what they are doing or want to accomplish.
9. Take care of yourself. Don't say anything, dress better, style your hair, grow a bear (or if you have one cut it off). Make positive changes for yourself. Let her wonder why you are doing this. (This may be more effective than you would at first think).
10. Don't threaten to leave if she doesn't (fill in the blanks), but if you do decide to leave then make sure you have all your ducks lined up and try to make it an easy transition for everyone.

[Claret]

That should have read "grow a beard".

[DreamP346]

30 Days of Sex !!!

Instead of jumping to the divorce track, maybe separation for a while. Gives both of you the chance to see what it will be like before making it final. Doesn't meant you shouldn't see the divorce lawyer at the same time. Keep the conversation window open but keep moving forward with your life.